Here's to the night we felt alive...

I cannot tell you how nice it feels to be returning home, as of old, at 2 in the morning from a social gathering. A sliver of normalcy has returned for the night.

It's also great that seeing high school friends, after not seeing them for 2 or 3 or 4 years is so easy for my group. We pick up right where we left off, except now we're all cooler.

Also. Just the wee-est bit depressing when everyone has real lives but you.

BUT the positive far outweighed the negative here. I have grown used to the penniless actor/living with parents/applying for grad schools schpeal.

Love it.

Again, courtesy of my friend Jenna's blog. Just wanted to share.

Brilliant Sorceress

This is what I look like every Saturday morning. I wake up at 6 so I can do my makeup all fancy before opening at Sephora, then I usually have an hour break to eat something, take off all this makeup, and put on some more conservative makeup for Williams-Sonoma. Today I finally got a chance to come home so I could take a picture.

I should be wearing more full-coverage foundation, because Brilliant Sorceresses don't usually have freckles, but the eyeshadows and eyeliners and eyelashes cost enough. And instead of cutting my bangs all funky, I settled for putting glitter in my hair. Yes, it may look better if I actually did my hair, but hell no at 6 in the morning. So, I think it turned out pretty well, considering. And excuse my messy room in the background.

And rest assured I do indeed get some weird looks walking around the mall.

________...

Sometimes I greet at Sephora, and I stand at the entrance and say hello and goodbye to people and stare at the people passing in the hallway and remember when I had that kind of free time that I could go shopping. My free time is spent recovering. This is not working for me. I cannot do this for more than a few months. This is not a balance of life and work. I am not productive at all when I am home. I have a few hours which I spend making/eating dinner, going to the gym when I can, catching up on email and tv shows and then I sleep and then I work.

sigh

I need need need the money.

SO. Option one: work less. Not going to happen.

Option two: figure out a way to DO more with my spare time so that I feel more accomplished and more like I have a life instead of a life of work.

I am grumpy.

I love this:

The following is from my friend Jenna's blog. I was just going to put the Malraux one, because it's my favorite, but why not share them all?

Per usual, ol’ Neil Gaiman puts it best:

“Of course, fairy tales are transmissible. You can catch them, or be infected by them. They are the currency that we share with those who walked the world before ever we were here. (Telling stories to my children that I was, in turn, told by my parents and grandparents makes me feel part of something special and odd, part of the continuous stream of life itself.) My daughter Maddy, who was two when I wrote this for her, is eleven, and we still share stories, but they are now on television or films. We read the same books and talk about the, but I no longer read them to her, and even that was a poor replacement for telling her stories out of my head. I believe we owe it to each other to tell stories. It’s as close to a credo as I have or will, I suspect, ever get.”

Or, this from André Malraux:

“The great mystery is not that we should have been thrown down here at random between the profusion of matter and that of the stars; it is that from our very prison we should draw, from our own selves, images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.”

Or Tim O’Brien:

“Yet even if it did happen–and maybe it did, anything’s possible–even then you know it can’t be true, because a true war story does not depend upon that kind of truth. Absolute occurence is irrelevant. A thing may happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the truth. For example: Four guys go down a trail. A grenade sails out. One guy jumps on it and takes the blast, but it’s a killer grenade and everybody dies anyway. Before they die, though one of the dead guys says, “The fuck you do that for?” and the jumper says, “Story of my life, man,” and the other guy starts to smile but he’s dead.
That’s a true story that never happened.”

Aw hell, even some J.K. Rowling:

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”
Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry’s ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

Or how about Italo Calvino:

“If I were only a hand, a severed hand that grasps a pen and writes . . . Who would move this hand? The anonymous throng? The spirit of the times? The collective unconscious? I do not know. It is not in order to be the spokesman for something definable that I would like to erase myself. Only to transmit the writable that waits to be written, the tellable that nobody tells.”

And finally, from Philip Pullman (I’ve been rereading The Subtle Knife recently):

“Stories are the most important thing in the world. Without stories, we wouldn’t be human beings at all.”

Inclement Weather

I love it. I LOVE IT!

Of course, I do NOT love when people get into accidents because of it.

Yesterday I worked from 10-11. I had one hour break. Yes indeed, I know how to work it. A little after I got to Sephora I started hearing things about how awful the weather was and my heart just Thrilled. Especially after I heard that it was supposed to continue into the night and get worse! And we'd get 6-12 inches of snow!!! Many people were not at all pleased by this because they had to drive places and I understand that. But I knew that the next day I didn't have to do anything, so I could stay curled in a ball drinking cocoa and gazing at the swirling storm outside. We also had practically no clients in the store all night long, which made work easier.

I love snow. I love it so much I can't say it enough.

I pretty much love any kind of inclement weather, but snow is the Best.

But I was very concerned when I drove home at 11 in the freezing cold blasting wind in whiteout conditions and saw a car on its side in a ditch with its headlights still on. I really wanted to stop and make sure no one was still in the car, but 1) I am a lone girl and 2) I didn't want anyone to run into my car at the side of the road or slide into the ditch myself. So I called my dad to call the police. But I was still worried. I hope they were ok.

I think if I had any farther to drive than the mall to Bushnell's Basin I would have been freaked out. But I am a good snow driver.

So today is the first day I have had off since Thanksgiving and here are my plans:

Sleep in. Check.

Clean room and do laundry.

Go get gingerbread house materials and at least begin that project.

Bake something delicious for my Secret Santa.

Catch up on email.

Go to the movies! (but this can't happen now because the movie I most want to see is at The Little, and I don't really want to drive to Rochester in these conditions.)

Be cozy. Check.

Perks of the Job

In addition to my discount and the learning, one of my favorite things about working at Sephora is that I am encouraged to wear Crazy makeup. I haven't gone that crazy yet, but tonight I wore some beautiful green eye shadow that's a bit more dramatic than I usually tend and I must say I think it came out rather well. I never would have tried this look on my own, but now I have it in my back pocket if I ever want a good night look. We are also encouraged to wear fake lashes. I bought some lash segments tonight and I am pretty excited.

Also, on Saturday we are required to wear one of these looks:

(Which one would you choose? I am leaning toward Brilliant Sorceress and Snow Sprite. Plum Line is too normal. The difficult thing is that I have to go from Sephora, to Williams Sonoma, back to Sephora. I do not think W.S. would appreciate this.)

Katie (****) Renville

She hated telling people what her middle name was. (It was Rose.)

Two years later, it's still surprising when I think about it. Which is frequent. I miss you.

Quick rundown.

This is what I look like right now. I think I look more haggard in person. Imagine that my communication is in grunts and I shuffle around the house in my slippers. I can barely keep my eyes open even for America's Next Top Model.

This is what led to tonight:

Tuesday PM: Straight from work I drive to Manhattan. I arrive at 11:30ish.

Wednesday AM: Arise early next morning to get me a ticket to 'Mauritius' by Theresa Rebeck. Walk walk walk around NYC, mostly to Rockefeller Center (GIGANTIC Christmas tree, smelling glorious, with ice skaters swirling around and twinkly lights.) I LOVE BEING IN NEW YORK CITY. Visit to Anthropologie= I want to decorate my entire imaginary house from this store. Visit to fancy fancy Sephora on 5th, but customer service not as good as mine. Subway to Alice's Tea Cup to buy two Deelicious scones.

Wednesday PM: Run back up to 152nd to meet Mom, handoff keys, all the way back to Times Square to see Mauritius. So good. I immediately KNOW that my grad school monologue MUST come from this play. (It also includes the worst executed stage combat I have ever witnessed in a professional play.) Immediately after play is over I rush to find a bookstore which sells script. CANNOT because it is not in print!!! WHAT WILL I DO?! Meet the fam, off to dinner, see Cymbeline at Lincoln Center, do not like. Back to 152nd. Sleep kind of late, wake up too early.

Thursday AM: Macy's parade.

Thursday PM: Meet Slate and off to Manhattan's largest cemetery, just around the corner-- so so so pretty, old, and a little creepy. WISH I had brought camera. Step on dead squirrel. Maybe the most disgusting thing that has ever happened to me. Eat delicious food. Go see Dan in Real Life. Walk walk walk Slate to Grand Central Station far away which is Beautiful. First time there. Conversation. Home, and back in the car to drive to Pittsford at 11ish.

Friday AM: VERY bad drive home through snow storms. Am EXhausted. Remember when I promised myself when Katie died that I would NEVER drive at night in winter, especially when tired? Realize I am doing just that. Am scared. Make it home by 4 and fall into bed as soon as possible. Wake up at 9:30 to go to work work work.

Friday PM: Return home. Watch one show online and get into bed.

Saturday AM: Wake up way too early to go to work opening shift.

Saturday PM: Return home, nap for 2 hours, return to work for closing shift. Return home, watch one half-hour show online, get into bed.

Sunday AM: Get up way too early to work opening shift. Assisted in technique class and feel like am on a cooking show. I even made the maple syrup whipped cream, half the waffles, and prepared whipped egg whites all by self. Feel trusted and rose to unexpected occasion. No longer menial robot, contributed.

Sunday PM: Return home, nap for 15 minutes, return to work for closing shift. Return home, watch some tv, blog, and BED.

I am wiped OUT. But I actually am quite enjoying my jobs though my feet are killing me. And I have no life besides working and sleeping and occasional tv.

My new job:

I will hopefully also get offers from the stores I mentioned below, so please give me your thoughts. *insert "A Penny for your Thoughts" from Waiting for Guffman*

But I am definitely going to be a beauty maven in this French store. The first time I went into a Sephora was when I was in Paris in high school. At this point in my life, I didn't really wear makeup, ever, and so this store seemed REALLY fancy and grownup and scary. The second time was in Las Vegas, where it still seemed a little too fancy for me. But I am intimidated no more. The one at Eastview isn't really as nice as the ones I've been in in big cities.

Why I will like this job: Free makeup. Discounted makeup. Lots o' hours. Pretty good wage for retail. Don't have to buy a lot of clothes to wear there, just black pants. Fun staff though all girls. Can transfer to any other store (though I already checked and there are no Sephoras in London!) But most of all, the cosmetic education I will receive! They have classes on all sorts of aspects of makeup application. I hope that one day I will have the skills to look at someone and know what colors will compliment their skin tone and be able to make them up so they look their best.

I do think it's a little odd that I have developed this affinity for makeup. There is a side of me which is pretty au natural, like the vegan side. But I just cannot deny it, I do fulfill the girly stereotypes of liking makeup and spending a long time in the bathroom before I'm ready. At least I don't take a ton of luggage with me on trips-- I am a very light packer.

Why I may not like this job: We'll have to see how things go, but maybe I'll be dealing with a lot of cheerleader-esque girls. Those oh-so-popular snobby Pittsford girls who always look perfect. We'll see. But the pros definitely outweigh the cons.

There's a whole lot of merchandise to familiarise myself with.

Poll: Please Respond

Now I really don't want to jinx myself, but let's say you were in a situation where you had to choose between two jobs.

VS.

Which would you choose? Assuming they pay the same and you'd get the same hours.

Williams-Sonoma: I love the atmosphere, but I don't personally know a ton about their merchandise, so perhaps it would be difficult for me to sell it? I mean, they have a lot of gourmet food in there which I can't/won't eat, so it would be hard to recommend it to anyone else. And though I have an odd LOVE for kitchen things, I don't know a ton about them. Then again, the manager told me I wouldn't be on the sales floor anyway for the Christmas season, so I wouldn't be the go-to girl for cooking advice. I really love to look through the Williams-Sonoma catalogue and wander through their store even though I don't have the money/reason to buy anything in there. And, this job would be a great opportunity to learn more, and as I said, I love the atmosphere of the store which I think will be very important in my happiness there.

Pottery Barn: I don't have an educated background in interior design, but I would LOVE to learn more. The idea of getting to design some rich woman's mantel is really kind of enticing to me (something the manager said I would certainly be asked to do there). It would be great to exercise my artistic side at a job. I also don't know that much about the merchandise in this store. I just know that I really like to thoroughly look through their catalogues. The atmosphere isn't as great here, but it's much less crowded which is nice. And I always have an opinion to give when other people are trying to decide between this set of dishes or that. And I think I have good taste.

Will it irritate me to constantly be helping rich people buy merchandise I will not be able to afford perhaps ever? It's possible. But then again, with a discount maybe I could get those oh-so-colorful mixing bowls. I do think the discount would be more useful/tempting at Williams-Sonoma.

Well friends, it took me long enough, but I'm finally seriously unpacking. I've been basically living out of my suitcase/boxes since I've gotten here. Except for my movies, tv, and dvd player. Naturally, those were the first things I unpacked. Now of course when I say seriously unpacking, I would say that at least half of my belongings are remaining in boxes in the basement during my stay. But I have my scarves on the wall, my pictures on the wall, picture frames out and displaying, some books on top of the dresser, and I bought a big basket hamper so I have some place to put clothes. Previously, the floor was the only place for them, clean and dirty alike. The room is still predominently a boy room, but girlish things are strategically tucked here and there. And I've got to say it is a relief. I can't wait until I have new bedding-- the hunter green comforter I sleep under screams Eric to me. I am hanging and draping my things everywhere I can. As I believe I've made clear, having MY space is VERY IMPORTANT. It is essential to my happiness. I fondly dream of those days when I actually had my own apartment.

Unpacking like this feels like yet another resignation to staying here. Like I have to firmly say to myself, YET again, that yes I am indeed staying at home for something like 8 months, with a grudgingly conceding sigh. Life is a little surreal. Time is kind of flying by. And I still look around as I'm fixing breakfast and can't believe that I'm here. It feels like this time that I'm spending here isn't actually happening, like when I leave I will go back to being 23, having just graduated college. Unfortunately my house is not an alternate universe.

I've been having trouble sleeping. Even on days when I give myself a really good workout at the gym. If this continues a few more days I will have to search out a yoga class. I should really learn a routine which I can do on my own.

Work should finally start next week if all goes according to plan.

After reading Sara's great comment, I realized that the text I added to my youtube video below does not communicate my support for this strike. OF COURSE I SUPPORT IT! More power to them. I think that what they're doing is impressive. Just so you know. I am also really concerned for those people who are getting laid off.

ALSO, notice all of the cast members who are also writers? What a collaborative show! I wish so badly with my whole heart I could be a part of it. Especially after reading Jenna Fischer's blog last night. She plays Pam, and through her posts and pictures it is evident that The Office cast and crew are so supportive of each other and love working together so much. Especially the cast hangs out all the time outside of filming! I want that! I love this show, and-- not in an arrogant sort of way-- I think I would be really good on it. It's subtle, real, character-driven, improv-ed. I want to be on The Office so bad.

The Office is Closed

Two more episodes, and then we're facing repeats. Or whatever else NBC can come up with.Guuuuuuuh.

Where you lead, I will follow.

I have watched all the Gilmore Girls in my house now-- seasons 1, 2, and 4. I'm very sad to be missing 3 because I love Jess and that's his season. Here are some thoughts:

I love this show, at least the first four seasons. I'm really sad it went downhill. By the end, I kind of hated Rory.

I'm also sad that Luke lost his healthy/environmentally zealous ways that he had during the first half of season 1.

Chris was So much better at the beginning! By the end the actor got lazy. As several others did.

So many of those day players are really bad actors. They can't find anyone better in all of L.A.? Ridiculous. I should have been on that show.

I wish Lorelai had married Max. Sorry Luke, you're fine, but I really loved Max.


I really REALLY wish Rory had ended up with Jess. He is by FAR better than any of her other boys. I love him.


I need to have the first four seasons of Gilmore Girls in my permanent collection, (I've been watching my sister's). It is my number one comfort show.

I am going to Yale tomorrow (where Rory fictitiously went), and on the way I will be passing through Hartford! Where the grandparents live, where Chilton is. I am going to the land of the Gilmore Girls, and I am, silly though it is, pretty excited. I hope it's sunny.

Loving the Fall.

Excited for:

Christian Bale, I love you.

You were lost and gone forever, oh my darling Clementine

Canadian Border Patrol: Where are you going?
Me: Niagara-on-the-Lake.
CBP: What are you doing there?
Me: Seeing a play at the Shaw Festival.
CBP: Are you importing anything?
Me: Nope.
CBP: Who are you meeting there?
Me: No one...
CBP...
Me: I'm just... going by myself...

Awkward.













That exchange at the border pretty much sums up my experience at the Shaw Festival. But I love the Shaw Festival. Just not so much when I have no one to share it with. Niagara-on-the-Lake is this uber-charming little town in Cananda with three theaters along its main street. Fountains of flowers, beautiful parks surrounding it, British candy, and black squirrels. Charming shops. Working as an actor there is one of my dream jobs, I just looooove this place.

The drive there is pretty, especially once you're in Canada. Once you've gotten off the highway it's a dream. The first day I was seeing a matinee production of " A Month in the Country" by Turgenev, translated/adapted by Brian Friel. Very Chekhovian. I really liked the play, and it was a good production. There were a couple of people I didn't like but the cast was mostly solid. I really enjoyed the play, except that about 4/5ths of the way through I just could not stand the protagonist anymore. Not the actress, the character. I was so done with her and her selfish, manipulative ways. So, once you're totally sick of the protagonist you kind of just wish the play would end. But all in all, a very satisfactory experience.

At this point, I was STARVING. But didn't want to buy anything, so I decided to go for a walk in the park and eat my Clementine tangerine. Here's what happened:

Alone in Canada from Lola on Vimeo.

The second time I went up was for an evening production of "Summer and Smoke" by Tennessee Williams. I LOVE this play, it is Beautiful. It was quite a bit colder than the previous trip, but it put a nice October sharpness in the air, and if you imagine the most delicious Autumn smell, that's what it smelled like. It was a beautiful day in an overcast way. I got up there at about 6, just the time when everyone retreats into restaurants, tucking themselves into corners with friends and food. Several of the shops were closed, so I window shopped. The windows of the shops and restaurants glowed with warm light, and I looked in at all the happy people, feeling more alone and cold than ever with my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I love Summer and Smoke, but I did not love this production of it. The actress who played Alma was loud and said everything super fast. It was... an interesting choice, but I don't think the right one. I kind of felt like the doctor was phoning it in a little, and I was also troubled by his choices at the end-- he was pretty much making out with his fiance right in front of Alma! I was not ok with that. I really don't think he would do that, because he did care for her and that is just cruel. And I hated a few of the secondary character actors. But it was nice to see the play on its feet instead of on the page so that's something.

I love the Shaw Festival, but don't go there by yourself.

mind boggled

Please go to this website and then comment on this post and tell me if you saw the dancer moving counter-clockwise or clockwise. I have been staring at it for a long time and I cannot for the life of me get her to go the other way from the way I see her.

One of my favorite songs from Across the Universe

This is when Max gets drafted.

Breakable

by Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.



Two reasons for putting this up:
1) This clip kind of suits me tonight. I'm a little bit miserable.
2) I've been enjoying this album very much. In general, it's a happy CD.

p-Shaw

I am so excited. I love the Shaw Festival. I love Niagara-on-the-Lake and it's supposed to be a beautiful weekend. I am going by myself, which is sad, but I am just so excited to be there! Tomorrow I am seeing "A Month in the Country", an adaptation of Turgenev by Brian Friel. Chekhov era, looks Great. And next week I am seeing "Summer and Smoke" by Tennessee Williams, my favorite Tennessee play! I am so excited! I haven't been to the Shaw Festival for years and the fall foliage is going to be gorgeous and I love the little shops. I would also really like to see Saint Joan and Tristan, a new musical. But I'm not rich.

The only unhappy news: I missed the auditions for next year. Damn. I'm really quite unhappy about that. The cutoff for registration was August 23rd, and that was before I knew I was moving back to NY, so I can't beat myself up about it too much.

I really can't wait.

In other news: just one letter of recommendation to go before I can apply for substituting. This last one is a little slippery, but hopefully I can get it soon. This whole process has me worried about my grad school recommendations, I think it must be so much easier to get these things when I'm in Provo with the professors reminding them with my face every day.

to fill the gaping void left by Gilmore Girls

I caught this show tonight after the gym and was DEElighted. I had been indisposed to watch it merely because I've seen commercials for it before every movie I've seen in Provo for the last few months and the commercial didn't make it look that great. And I was sick of seeing the commercial over and over. But watch the first episode online somewhere friends because I knew it would be added to my weekly lineup five minutes after it started. I would be sad if you just caught it next week and didn't get to see how it all started. The writing is great, the people are great, the idea is new and innovative. I don't believe I've really ever seen that main guy before but he's doing very well indeed.

And do you recognize this girl? I do.

From one of my favorite BBC miniseries! I love her and always have though I've only seen her in Our Mutual Friend and A Midsummer Night's Dream. She is just great and I couldn't be more delighted that she is gracing America's network television.


Other notes on TV: When I finally got to watch Greys Anatomy on Friday I realized how much I'd missed it. Private Practice is underwhelming. I hope the magic doesn't leave The Office now that Pam and Jim are hooked up, but they couldn't have drawn it out longer so what are you gonna do? I laughed out loud several times during the premiere so that's a good sign. Man I love that show.

every day is a moving day

Well, I still haven't moved in. I'm essentially living out of my suitcases and boxes. Because I'm still kind of wishing that I'm just home for a break rather than LIVING here. I had a lot of drive to move in and make the best of things when I got here, but there weren't any boxes to pack up boy things in. So today is the day, I am breaking out some boxes and filling them up with my brothers' plethora of stuff. This room is such a boys room. I can't really change that very much since the furniture is all very masculine, but I think changing the comforter will help.

I need a job so badly.

In other news, I love October.

some things I'm looking forward to: