Stop hurting and start sleeping.

I have been using sleeping aids almost every night since Chicago at which time I was sick and used nighttime cold medication. And then there was ACTF where I started taking Advil PM (probably for half the week, not every night,) because I needed to sleep but was stressed and the beds were uncomfortable. And now this week I have not been able to go to sleep, even though I haven't had a full night of rest any night. I've eventually given in and taken Advil PM again every night. What is going on? Today I was so tired all day and now that it's time to go to bed I am wide awake. I have no problems taking naps, I have come home from the gym and zonked out for a couple of hours three times this week. I need some sleepy dust. The sleep gods frown upon me. I wish I had a sleep button.

Our doubts are traitors.

It's snowing outside and I think I'm one of the only people in Provo to be happy about it. And I am. Today it's a quiet, content happiness, not the giddy flurried happiness. It's so peaceful and it makes everything different, new, beautiful, solitary, and silent. I love how quiet it is.

After the bitter attacking freeze of Chicago, Provo has seemed very inviting. Comforting.

I've been happy the last couple of days, and it has been so nice. It's been a relief. I feel like I've been a restless malcontent for months and that creature has finally settled down-- perhaps only for a nap. But I feel like this is my equilibrium, this is where I naturally want to be. I have felt pressed down for a while, floundering, struggling to pull myself back up but the struggle only gave my malcontent a better hold. I'm afraid this peace will leave any moment, but for the time being I'm enjoying it.

Chicago and ACTF were really rough. I felt despair. It was awful. I honestly don't remember feeling that bad for a long time. I avoid thinking about it because I'm afraid that feeling is going to slink back. ACTF just sucked because I truly just had rotten luck and it caused this flashback of how I'd felt the week before. But now those two weeks are past, and I can just think about now. Here are some valuable lessons I learned: confidence is key. Really, I feel like confidence and consistency are essential. That's why Slate does so well because he's confident in his talent, work, and preparation. He's so good and he knows that. Furthermore, he's consistent. He doesn't let nerves get to him so his talent has the opportunity to do what it can. It's not debilitated by anything.

So how do I get that? I tend to think that the only way to gain confidence is through being cast in stuff and seeing yourself successful in a play. But that's exterior confidence, and what I need is interior, intrinsic confidence. Confidence that I have not because of anything other people see in me or do for me, but because it's just a part of me. I have no idea how to get that. But that's my goal for the next year. Also to audition for tons of things because I realized that I don't actually have a lot of audition experience. I mean, there just aren't that many opportunities in Provo to audition, and in order to get consistency, to be able to audition over and over again without letting nerves affect me, I need practice.

I'm really sad I won't be going to grad school this year. It's what I want to do now, more than anything. Right now, I know that that's the next step for me. So I asked Barta what, in total frankness and honesty, I needed to do to get into a graduate program next year. I mean, I want to go to auditions a year from now and I want people to want me. I want them to take notice. The first thing she said was to be more proactive-- write to schools and let them know that I'm going to be there and that I want them to watch for me. She also mentioned that I could work on vulnerability, but she had seen my monologues and she said that my Amelia one was good for that, so that's not so much the problem. The main thing? How I look. My weight is apparently all that is holding me back. In a way that is very comforting, because it's not like I'm not talented. And it seems like losing weight is something that is possible. Then again, haven't I been trying to do just that for ten years? I've suffered a lot of mean-spirited teasing because of it and I've hated myself for it and that hasn't made too much of a difference. Nevertheless, I have to do it now. Big Goal for Next Year: look damn good. I have a year. When I move away in September I can audition like mad, and hopefully some confidence will come into play in the next year. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm feeling like I can do this. I'll be ready by next year. And it's a good thing I went and tried this year because that was an essential step in these realizations. It won't be new next time, I'll know what I'm doing.

I've got to say though, I've been going to the gym since October and here's something I've learned: I am not good at pushing myself. There's some work that needs to be done.

I am a tragic hero

Suffice it to say, I'm not expecting any offers. Slate seems to have everyone fighting over him. NYU wanted to see a third piece: my song! Was I expecting to have to sing? Definitely not. Boo.

Conclusion: It was a really rough few days. I didn't do quite as well as I wanted to, but I didn't totally choke either, though the week did include a breakdown. But I think I learned a lot, and I'll be damn well prepared for next year.

Boo. My endeavors of the last few months don't seem to go too well.

Look what the wind blew in

Well here I am, after months of anxiety, actually here in the Windy City. And I feel alright.

Yes, I'm a little terrified about tomorrow when all of my auditions start, but I'm telling myself I'm confident, talented, and totally prepared. And I kind of believe it.

Our hotel is great. It's on the same block as the hotel for URTAs, opened on Friday (so we're the first ones to stay in our room), has free cocoa whenever our hearts desire it, continental hot breakfast, very pleasant interior, and everyone's super friendly because they just opened! Such a great choice. And we're staying in room 1707, which I love because my lucky number is 7. We're also just a block away from such lovely stores as Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.

We flew in with no problems, took a cab to the hotel, and then headed out to find some food. We went to the oldest Italian restaurant in Chicago and it was yummy. We then went in search of the hotels that our auditions are at. They're all in the same place, the Hyatt Regency (except for URTAs) which is a 15-20 minute walk away. Um, it's freezing here. Like I walked outside and started laughing because I could not believe how cold it was. Strike you to the bones cold. Really, unbelievable. School is cancelled because it's so cold. Eventually you grow numb to it and then you're ok, but that first ten minutes is painful. And wherever you're headed, you arrive really rosy-faced. But our walk around the theatre district was nice other than that. Chicago (at least this area) is pretty, some great architecture, and clean! With lots of cafes. And people have been really friendly. We walked into a cafe and the owner actually greeted us with an enthusiastic "Look what the wind blew in!" I was charmed.

And now we're watching The Secret Garden on HBO, which is comforting to me.

Ah tomorrow.

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt."
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare