Feist - 1 2 3 4

and then sometimes I hate my life.

wee triumphs

At this point, I've got to celebrate anything I get: for Julius Caesar at the Castle I got called back for Cassius, Portia, and Calpurnia. And for Little Women at BYU I got called back for Jo and Marmee. Too bad it's 11:00 and I have a rehearsal at 9 tomorrow morning, then callbacks back to back from 11 to 5 tomorrow. Yikes. Do I study the material, or get good sleep?

Just listen to the song, don't watch-- the video is distracting

Listening to this song has made me realize that I'm doing pretty awesome for myself. I remember when I could barely imagine that I'd be on acting track, much less pursuing acting as a career. I was so afraid, so unconfident. I was crippled by my self-doubt, and by the perceived doubt of others. And although my confidence isn't where it should be, it's so much better than it was. I am doing what I dreamed. And that rocks. And I'm kind of doing better than if I found "a way back to then" because I didn't often dance in the backyard. More often I danced locked in my room where no one could see. It's been hard to get to where I am, but I'm here because of my own dreams and hard work. And I think that's something to be proud of.

And there you are,
Right in the middle of what you love
With the craziest of company
You're having a kickass time
And being who you wanted to be in this world.
You're that little girl with her wings unfurled
Flying again.
Back in the backyard, dancing.
I found a way back to then.

Slings and arrows

Is it wrong to still have a hard time hearing people talk about Hamlet? Seriously, every night my two roommates come home from the show and talk about it and talk about it and I cannot stay in the same room for longer than five or ten minutes into the conversation because it is too painful. I cannot express how much I wanted to be in this show. I don't think you can imagine how many different factors combined to create this incredibly intense yearning to be a part of this particular production of Hamlet, a show which I love so much on its own. It is Hard to not be in it. So hard. And I worked so hard to get in it. And I hear so much about it, so much about the entire process. Almost the entire cast is made up of my friends and when you're in a show, that takes up so much of your life, of course you talk about it all the time. I also T.A. for the director, I hear other theater people discussing the show, I hear them running the awesome music every day while I do my homework in the Pardoe lobby... I am constantly surrounded by reminders. It's just hard. And I feel like I can't express how painful it is for me to people because it makes them feel bad or awkward or annoyed and I certainly don't want to put everyone else out because I have emotional problems. Yes, I think people could be more considerate. But no, I don't think people generally feel as keenly as I do about it so they don't get it. It is raw. I am dreading seeing the show. And I mean dreading. I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure it is going to be damn hard to watch it. I wanted to get it over with next week but I can't because they're not having a show on Saturday due to general conference and I have Proof rehearsal every other night. Honestly, I needed to call upon my emotional support system, that is how much I can't do this by myself. And I have to wait til closing night. And I cannot tell you how relieved I will be when it is over.

I also wish I'd never told someone I liked them. I was so afraid I was going to regret that.

And, if you're accustomed to living expecting people to not love you, how do you change that?

Weekend woes

I feel that weekends are generally very important. During the week I am going going nonstop and weekends provide much needed relief; an opportunity to wind down. Lately they've been much more relaxing as I haven't even had rehearsals on Saturdays. And I think that some good recreation time is extremely important to the productivity in a week. But I also have a problem with weekends-- all of my 'projects' that I'm working on, life goals we could say, grind to a halt on the weekends. I'm not good at doing homework on weekends, there's just something about all that time that makes me want to put off doing homework forever; my eating plan goes haywire, I eat horribly when I don't have the structure school gives me; I have yet to make it to the gym on a Saturday. Instead of being productive when I have the most opportunity to do so, I laze the day away. Sometimes this is nice, and sometimes-- like this weekend-- it just makes me feel like crap. I woke up this morning, and instead of feeling rested and rejuvenated, optimistic about life and ready to tackle my goals, I felt like a lump. A lump that wanted to stay in bed.

And for the first time, I kind of wished school was over. What?! It's true. I just thought, how much simpler life will be when, instead of juggling classes, a job, and a production, I will just be juggling a job and a production. Well, I don't expect that feeling to last long. And indeed, I don't really like that feeling. But perhaps at least I won't just feel like crying when I graduate.

If my life were a TV show, it would be The Office.

Not that I at all work in an office, but the general mundaness of life with subtle meaningful nuances, mixed with a few quirky people seems to describe my life much better than any other show out there.

Maybe I'm in love with Jim. You don't want to know how many times I have watched the end of the Casino Night episode. I feel ya, Jim. I love The Office. What I do not love is how many reruns there have been lately instead of new episodes. And how frustrating the Jim/Pam situation is.

Take a look at the shenanigans of the Thrillionaires Improvised Theatre Company

In Elizabeth's words, "welcome to Hell, party of two."

I think my sense of well-being is amazing. I don't understand how for two days you can feel freaking miserable, and then you wake up on the third day and you're back to feeling ok about life. I guess it's a good thing, but perhaps if I understood I could kick it into gear a little sooner. Yesterday I tried so hard to think of something that would make me feel better, distract me, get me out of myself, something, anything. Nothing helped and I was miserable. And today I feel like I will be ok. Yes, this semester really sucks for me. A lot. But my life isn't hopeless. Yesterday I really felt like it was. Today I will finally clean my room. Maybe actually decorate it a little. For my whole college existence the decorating of my room has been very important. I didn't feel settled or like my space was my own until it was decorated, covered over with pictures of things that I loved. This year, I never did it. My walls have remained more or less bare. And now it's more than halfway through winter semester and I feel like I should and actually will get around to it.

Sometimes I miss Europe the most because of the parks they have. Why doesn't Provo have a good park? I would go ramble today. Maybe I should just take off to Europe for a year.

I don't want to graduate and leave. But maybe it is exactly what I need. Provo is where I want to be because it's familiar and not intimidating. But maybe I would be happier somewhere else. Maybe it is time to go. Six months from now...

Breathe. Bend. Be.

On Wednesday I went to a Yoga class at a studio in the Riverwoods and now my sleeping problem is mended. Mostly-- I do keep having dreams about grad school auditions and ACTF... But the yoga class was so lovely, I think I'll start going every week. It was nice to be doing an extracurricular activity that wasn't acting-related. And ever since, I've been able to fall asleep much better. It was kind of alarming to realize how difficult it was to just relax and stop thinking about things. In fact, I didn't quite succeed, and I know I used to be able to do that just fine. Well, now that I'm aware that that's a problem of mine I can focus on fixing it. That was probably a big contributor to my sleep problems. The studio was really nice, and I really liked the instructor. I felt trendy, but in a wholesome way. I also really liked the clothing boutique you walk through to get to the studio, too bad all the clothes were super pricey. It was so nice to just do yoga for an hour and a half. I would never give myself that much time to do it at home.

In other news, I'm trying to just live one day at a time, giving. And it's nice.

Stop hurting and start sleeping.

I have been using sleeping aids almost every night since Chicago at which time I was sick and used nighttime cold medication. And then there was ACTF where I started taking Advil PM (probably for half the week, not every night,) because I needed to sleep but was stressed and the beds were uncomfortable. And now this week I have not been able to go to sleep, even though I haven't had a full night of rest any night. I've eventually given in and taken Advil PM again every night. What is going on? Today I was so tired all day and now that it's time to go to bed I am wide awake. I have no problems taking naps, I have come home from the gym and zonked out for a couple of hours three times this week. I need some sleepy dust. The sleep gods frown upon me. I wish I had a sleep button.

Our doubts are traitors.

It's snowing outside and I think I'm one of the only people in Provo to be happy about it. And I am. Today it's a quiet, content happiness, not the giddy flurried happiness. It's so peaceful and it makes everything different, new, beautiful, solitary, and silent. I love how quiet it is.

After the bitter attacking freeze of Chicago, Provo has seemed very inviting. Comforting.

I've been happy the last couple of days, and it has been so nice. It's been a relief. I feel like I've been a restless malcontent for months and that creature has finally settled down-- perhaps only for a nap. But I feel like this is my equilibrium, this is where I naturally want to be. I have felt pressed down for a while, floundering, struggling to pull myself back up but the struggle only gave my malcontent a better hold. I'm afraid this peace will leave any moment, but for the time being I'm enjoying it.

Chicago and ACTF were really rough. I felt despair. It was awful. I honestly don't remember feeling that bad for a long time. I avoid thinking about it because I'm afraid that feeling is going to slink back. ACTF just sucked because I truly just had rotten luck and it caused this flashback of how I'd felt the week before. But now those two weeks are past, and I can just think about now. Here are some valuable lessons I learned: confidence is key. Really, I feel like confidence and consistency are essential. That's why Slate does so well because he's confident in his talent, work, and preparation. He's so good and he knows that. Furthermore, he's consistent. He doesn't let nerves get to him so his talent has the opportunity to do what it can. It's not debilitated by anything.

So how do I get that? I tend to think that the only way to gain confidence is through being cast in stuff and seeing yourself successful in a play. But that's exterior confidence, and what I need is interior, intrinsic confidence. Confidence that I have not because of anything other people see in me or do for me, but because it's just a part of me. I have no idea how to get that. But that's my goal for the next year. Also to audition for tons of things because I realized that I don't actually have a lot of audition experience. I mean, there just aren't that many opportunities in Provo to audition, and in order to get consistency, to be able to audition over and over again without letting nerves affect me, I need practice.

I'm really sad I won't be going to grad school this year. It's what I want to do now, more than anything. Right now, I know that that's the next step for me. So I asked Barta what, in total frankness and honesty, I needed to do to get into a graduate program next year. I mean, I want to go to auditions a year from now and I want people to want me. I want them to take notice. The first thing she said was to be more proactive-- write to schools and let them know that I'm going to be there and that I want them to watch for me. She also mentioned that I could work on vulnerability, but she had seen my monologues and she said that my Amelia one was good for that, so that's not so much the problem. The main thing? How I look. My weight is apparently all that is holding me back. In a way that is very comforting, because it's not like I'm not talented. And it seems like losing weight is something that is possible. Then again, haven't I been trying to do just that for ten years? I've suffered a lot of mean-spirited teasing because of it and I've hated myself for it and that hasn't made too much of a difference. Nevertheless, I have to do it now. Big Goal for Next Year: look damn good. I have a year. When I move away in September I can audition like mad, and hopefully some confidence will come into play in the next year. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm feeling like I can do this. I'll be ready by next year. And it's a good thing I went and tried this year because that was an essential step in these realizations. It won't be new next time, I'll know what I'm doing.

I've got to say though, I've been going to the gym since October and here's something I've learned: I am not good at pushing myself. There's some work that needs to be done.

I am a tragic hero

Suffice it to say, I'm not expecting any offers. Slate seems to have everyone fighting over him. NYU wanted to see a third piece: my song! Was I expecting to have to sing? Definitely not. Boo.

Conclusion: It was a really rough few days. I didn't do quite as well as I wanted to, but I didn't totally choke either, though the week did include a breakdown. But I think I learned a lot, and I'll be damn well prepared for next year.

Boo. My endeavors of the last few months don't seem to go too well.

Look what the wind blew in

Well here I am, after months of anxiety, actually here in the Windy City. And I feel alright.

Yes, I'm a little terrified about tomorrow when all of my auditions start, but I'm telling myself I'm confident, talented, and totally prepared. And I kind of believe it.

Our hotel is great. It's on the same block as the hotel for URTAs, opened on Friday (so we're the first ones to stay in our room), has free cocoa whenever our hearts desire it, continental hot breakfast, very pleasant interior, and everyone's super friendly because they just opened! Such a great choice. And we're staying in room 1707, which I love because my lucky number is 7. We're also just a block away from such lovely stores as Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.

We flew in with no problems, took a cab to the hotel, and then headed out to find some food. We went to the oldest Italian restaurant in Chicago and it was yummy. We then went in search of the hotels that our auditions are at. They're all in the same place, the Hyatt Regency (except for URTAs) which is a 15-20 minute walk away. Um, it's freezing here. Like I walked outside and started laughing because I could not believe how cold it was. Strike you to the bones cold. Really, unbelievable. School is cancelled because it's so cold. Eventually you grow numb to it and then you're ok, but that first ten minutes is painful. And wherever you're headed, you arrive really rosy-faced. But our walk around the theatre district was nice other than that. Chicago (at least this area) is pretty, some great architecture, and clean! With lots of cafes. And people have been really friendly. We walked into a cafe and the owner actually greeted us with an enthusiastic "Look what the wind blew in!" I was charmed.

And now we're watching The Secret Garden on HBO, which is comforting to me.

Ah tomorrow.

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt."
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare

Maybe I love the girl who crawled into my bed this morning as I was sleeping, kissed my shoulder, put her arms around me and murmered "Don't be sad." We lay there. "How did you know?"

This blog may seem melancholy lately, but I promise I'm not always like this. You may have the impression that I mope around school all day, but that's not true. I just feel that I have to put on a good face for the world, so this is someplace where I don't. And I'm not always having to put a good face on, it is just there sometimes. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's not very convincing because as much as I want to appear fine I also want people to know I'm hurting or troubled. I don't know how I appear. I don't know how successful I am in seeming fine when I'm not or if people think I'm not fine when I am. But I do know that I love those people who can tell when I'm not fine and do something about it.

Things got better after that depressing post. Not immediately. I thought I would wake up and feel normal, but I didn't. I didn't feel normal until Slate suggested we run through our ACTF scenes. And that did it. His willingness, his suggestion of it. I feel like I've dragged him into this thing which he does not want to do, and it makes me feel bad. I want him to want to do it.

And this week was a stressful one, but I have accomplished some important things: my neutral mask thing went well; Slate and I practiced then previewed our scenes and my monologue and I don't have to change them, they're roughly blocked, and we have set up times to work with Stephanie and Barta again; I know which monologues I'm doing for grad school auditions, so I can set up times next week to work on them with professors; my song for showcase was transposed and I sang for my class- the first time is always the hardest; I'm doing Summer and Smoke for showcase; all of my auditions for grad school are scheduled; I helped a friend in time of need. For this week I memorized and performed 3 different scenes and 3 different monologues-- that's a lot for a four-day week.

Perhaps the one good thing about not being in a show is that I feel like I have Saturdays back. When you're doing a show and you have a rehearsal Saturday morning it almost seems like another school day. But here I am, at 2 in the afternoon, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, writing a blog. I may not have any time during the week for anything but school, but the weekends actually provide some relief now.

Yes, I feel left out. I feel like all I do anymore is monologues, very solitary, and all I want to do is be in a play. When I say goodbye to my friends as they head to rehearsal and I head home I feel a little sad every time. But that's life.

There better be something damn good coming along. In the meantime at least I have some damn good friends.

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt.

-- Shakespeare, Measure for Measure, Act. 1, Sc. 4

No way to handle things

I am troubled. It's keeping me up and keeping me unhappy. Perhaps I've just let myself get behind already and so I'm stressed, but I actually think I'm kind of juggling a lot of contributors at the moment:

Graduate school auditions approaching way too quickly. I don't know which pieces I'm doing yet.

ACTF approaching way too quickly. I just figured out which scenes, but I'm not super excited about them. Hopefully I will be after we start working them, which should be any day if I would just memorize them.

I'm taking a lot of performance-based credits this semester and I need to find a lot of material, which just isn't happening. Why don't I know more plays?

I need a song transposed and no one can do it. Including myself. Yet I'm supposed to perform it on Thursday?

My roommate and I are having troubles but apparently I'm supposed to let her approach me though she hasn't for the past six days. I can't handle people not liking me, and I can't handle people that I care about not caring enough to talk about things. How is she supposed to know what's going on inside my head? She doesn't know me that well.

I'm not in a show. You say 'get over it' and trust me I'm trying.

My valiant efforts to make a difference at the gym are showing me nothing. I'm on a stupid diet which makes me depressed about myself and cranky about the cardboard food I eat. I don't get enough sleep since I get up at 5:30 to go to the ineffective gym, which makes me even more cranky. I just feel like quitting.

I'm trying, but I'm not exactly getting over him.

I feel alone. Which is stupid but it's how I feel.

I freak out a little every day about graduating.

So I imagine the advice you would give to me is to stop wasting time on a blog and get my butt into gear. I have plenty of work to be doing. And also to stop dwelling. And maybe also to have a little faith. I'm trying. I really am. I'm scared about so many things and trying so hard not to be. And things build up and I try to take it one step at a time but there are just so many things to pay attention to. And I'm unaccountably emotional. And I'm kind of depressed. And I don't know what to do about that.

Maybe, despite my homework, I should just go to bed.

This is stupid, please don't comment, I just had to write that all out. I'll wake up tomorrow and get back to work.

Ring out the old, Ring in the New

Oh blog, it's been a while. Here are some of the highlights of my year:

Favorite Film: The Fountain

Runners-up: Children of Men, Little Children, The Departed, Stephanie Daley, Blood Diamond, Casino Royale
(some which have potential for above but which I haven't seen yet: Pan's Labyrinth, Babel, Half Nelson

Guilty Pleasure: X-Men 3

Worst: The Grudge 2, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Lady in the Water

Favorite TV Shows: Six Feet Under on DVD, The Office (both British and American)

Runner-up: Grey's Anatomy

Guilty Pleasure: Joan of Arcadia on DVD

Best Theatrical Events: The Little Foxes, The Light in the Piazza

Runners-up: Bedroom Farce, Twelfth Night, Seascape, Angels Unaware

Favorite Book: The History of Love by Nicole Krauss


And let’s not forget some lovely experiences. Jobs: Working at the BYU Bookstore and learning to hate it. Working at Apx Alarm Systems doing data entry—I earned a lot of money and it was mighty boring. But I did answer some calls using dialects, and at least I didn’t hate it like I hated the bookstore. I hope I never have to buy anything from the bookstore again, I don’t want to give them my business. And it was fun to see how much we could get away with at APX. Oh summer jobs. T.A.ing is the best job I’ve ever had. My 4 classes this year have been great learning experiences.

Worst roommate ever: Evanesce. Yikes. She broke some windows after I left. It’s true.

I’ve only been three places outside of Utah this year: Malad, Idaho, New York, and California. I wouldn’t mind living in Northern California one bit, no siree. Getting to know my aunt and uncle in San Francisco better was so nice. New York City kind of gives me anxiety, but only because I fear moving there and failing miserably.

Sundance Film Festival: the best way to do this experience is having an In and going the last day to see all the award winners when everybody has left. Except then there are no celebrities or camaraderie, which is half the fun.

Theatrical fun of the year: Little Foxes was the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve done. I was so frustrated, but loved that show so much. I think it’s going to be a long time before I’m part of something I love so much again. The people involved mean so much to me, friendships grew, I grew. Personally and as an actor. More family saw it than any other show I’ve done. It provided the most meaningful mother-daughter moment of my life. I was so invested, it’s hard to let go of that group of people. We’ve shared so much with each other.

Twelfth Night was barrels of fun, I love that group so much. Goodbye to Young Company. I spent three years with it and it’s helped me through some hard times. I think Greatest Hits was the show that was the most fun to do, but van times with Chris was the best part of Young Company. Though nothing beats the emotional support Christy has given me this semester. Heads in the hula-hoop game, craziness and bum-grabbing backstage, hugs and backrubs, never-ending sold out Nelke performances, the first year on the season (leading to ACTF), van games (the crying game and the eye opening game), Chris trying to make me laugh during the Ophelia crazy scene onstage, singing in the van, being a tragic hero.

Much Ado—I was sad to not be in Angels Unaware, but I made some great friends because of Much Ado whom I would never have met otherwise. And I love that I was in a show at PTC before it hit its troubles. Dancing during intermission in the green room, totally losing it onstage and trying to hold in laughter while I should have been singing, film talk during pre-show, improv games, uncomfortable words, uncomfortable men, the pasty white club.

Playing with the Thrillionaires has been great fun. I really love being a part of that group. It’s funny to think how much anxiety it used to give me and how relaxed about it I am now. Huzzah for long-form improv. Thank you Jake and Maclain.

Biggest Disappointments/Trials of the Year: Hamlet has been the hardest, Little Foxes not going to ACTF, boys, Angels Unaware, no Castle show for me, no Europe

Goals for 2007:

Get into a graduate program I love
Go to the gym at least 4 times a week
Read my scriptures every day
Don't fall apart after I graduate
Road trip to Seattle/San Francisco?
Date
Take a photography class
Improve my wardrobe so I enjoy wearing my clothes
Make friends wherever I end up by next December
Get a great summer job (Heritage?)
Keep in touch with my incredible Provo friends
Develop some quality self-confidence

This coming year kind of frightens me. I have absolutely no idea where I will be by the end of this year. 7 is my lucky number so hopefully this will be my year... I do feel like I have revolutionized myself a wee bit this past year. I look kind of different, I have been workng on a gradual makeover for myself just so that I am more confident in my physical appearance at least. I have started going to the gym regularly (thanks to Slate). I have started to read my scriptures daily (I confess, this is the first time in my life I've done such a thing, so I'm pretty proud of myself). I have been shockingly honest with somene in a very vulnerable way. I have become Much more daring acting-wise as well, several people told me how impressed they were with this seemingly different Laura after my auditions final. I've put a lot of work into acting this year and I think that it shows. Auditions has made me a different actor. This year has also given me some Incredible friends. Seriously, I don't know what I would have done this year without Slate, Michelle, Christy, Jenny, Jennie, and Lauren. Some of the most supportive people I know. I owe a lot to them. And I have loved living so close to the Thomasons so that I could spend more time with all of them.

It's been a very challenging year, but one that I needed in order to face this next one I am sure. This coming year holds a lot of change in it, a lot of uncertainty. I'm scared, I don't know how I'll react, how I'll cope, how things will turn out. But there's nothing else to do but plunge forward, so plunge forward I will.

Here's to 2006, and to the future.

And my life is revolving around... Theatre

Well my resolution to improve my blogging frequency has failed miserably. Before the semester started I thought I would have more time than usual this semester-- I'm taking a smaller number of classes than usual. But as it turns out, surprise surprise, I'm really busy. So I apologize to any of you who are really interested in my life. Catherine emailed me and asked me what was going on with me, which I so appreciate. Thank you for being interested.

So here's my semester: I'm in two plays, taking two 'traditional' classes, and T.A.ing two classes. The plays give me class credit, so I have a normal amount of credits. I'm out of the house from 9 AM to 11 PM every day except for Thursday, and that usually only gives me two free hours between classes, which is often when I work with students. For the last two weeks I didn't even have that because Twelfth Night was running in the Nelke so I had to use those two hours to grab a bite to eat and get ready for the show. This is why nobody except people I talk to here in Provo know what is going on in my life.

This semester is kicking my butt. In a good way, but it's still happening. I'm taking this class, 'Auditions'. It's the most challenging acting class I've ever taken. I wasn't expecting what it is. I'm learning a ton and this class is so good for me, but I just wonder why some of this stuff isn't used in earlier classes, spread out a little bit, so perhaps we wouldn't feel so overloaded? This class is two hours, three times a week. There are eight students. We work on six monologues and two songs. And very new and different ideas are being introduced for us to use in these pieces. Now they're not completely new to everyone, people who have worked with Laurie, the professor, before have worked with these ideas already a bit. But I've worked mostly with Barta, never Laurie. Laurie is SO DIFFERENT. Let me tell you, these classes usually drain me for the entire day. They're kind of intense. Especially when you're working on a dramatic piece. It's like I've been stripped of everything I thought I knew about myself and my acting abilities and have been given different legs to walk with which I don't entirely know how to use. It's great.

Not only do I work with Laurie during Auditions, but she's also directing my senior project, Little Foxes. This is the hardest character I have ever had to play. I have been so frustrated. In the words of Barta: "every choice Laura would make will be wrong for Birdie." This character is so foreign to me. I have felt like I couldn't do anything right. I have felt emotionally stripped. In the last few days I have felt like I've been making some little steps toward the right place, but I'm not even halfway there and we have tech in a week and a half. I am kind of freaking out. Laurie gives me some bizarre directions, which I've struggled with. But I totally trust her, she's just completely different than anyone else I've worked with before. For example: "In this scene I'd like you to pretend you're conducting an orchestra." or "Pretend you're in a big field of huge dandelions." or "Play this scene like you're two years old." Honestly, I feel bad for her because I have been resisting like crazy, I just don't even know what to do with myself. And I know pulling things out of people is tiring, and Laurie has been giving so much for me. I have so much farther to go, I hope I can get there.

Everyone else in the cast is so great. Honestly, I am so honored to be in the same project with these people. I try to do homework when I'm not onstage but it is so fascinating just to watch these people. And some of them have so much passion for this piece, it's inspiring. I think I'm resisting being totally drawn into it because it's painful. I mean, I am playing an abused wife, so it's understandable that it would be painful, but I'm kind of surprised that I have resisted throwing myself into it. I feel like usually I'm pretty gung ho about theatre. I don't think I have really realized that's what I've been doing, like I just expected the performance to come without really sacrificing for it. I know I've been a little drained, what with Auditions and Twelfth Night, but I really hope to submerge myself now. I have to, these days are just going by so quickly. I'm scared I'm not going to get there before tech. I'm really scared about that.

No project has given me as much anxiety as Little Foxes has. I guess that's why it's my senior project. I'm being stretched SO much. To the point of tears, on several occasions.

Twelfth Night's run in the Nelke is done. I am so glad. I loved performing for adults, who got all the jokes in the dialogue and responded to them, (not that I don't love to perform for the children), but it was exhausting to go straight from classes to that to Little Foxes rehearsal. Our run for Twelfth Night was over two weeks, and all of our performances sold out so quickly! None of us expected this. They added a third show to our last saturday and added a week run in December. Wow, huzzah for Young Company. And I love my cast. I really love them. Young Company has given me so much in the past two years, I am so happy to be a part of it. It is so great to be able to just get away from everything every Tuesday, spend time with awesome people, and introduce kids to Shakespeare. I love it.

And T.A.ing is great. A challenge, but so rewarding. The professor for both classes (Intermediate Acting and Acting for Classics) is Stephanie (Foster) Breinholt (since Barta is out for the semester), and it's been great to see how she works. I've never been in a class taught by her, and I'm learning a lot. It's nice to be on the sameish side of the table as her, being the T.A. I also get to do scenes in Acting for Classics since there's an odd number, so I get to be coached by her too.

I'm also continuing with Thrillionaires Improvised Theatre Troupe. I play pretty much every Monday with them, and we have practices on Tuesday during my one and only break of the day. I also am taking voice lessons on Mondays, so time is pretty crunched. I'm taking with Korianne who was in Nunsense with Catherine and who I love. She's helping me a lot. I just wish I had more time to practice.

So my life this semester pretty much revolves around theatre, there's really nothing much else to talk about, but I could go on forever about any of my classes so I'll stop now.

I have a lot that I intend to say...

But for now, I'll just say that the first week of school was IMMENSELY stressful. But things have cooled off for now, and I'm enjoying low-key days before T.A.ing really sets in. Though I'm learning how to listen Laurie-style and it's really hard for me.

I thought you may enjoy some pictures of Twelfth Night. These are all of the production shots that were taken, so many of them are very similar. And my dress still needed some final adjustments at the time, so it doesn't look the greatest. Alright, disclaiming aside, here they are:

http://photo.byu.edu/markImages/2006/0608-84%20TMA%20Twelfth%20Night%20pr/index.html