"This is wanting something, this is praying for it, this is holding breath, and keeping fingers crossed."

Dear blog, I think I've been avoiding you. We've certainly had a different relationship since my family started reading. I just wrote an email that included some things that would once have belonged here, but I think that in writing, they would be taken the wrong way.

Life has been a little unusual lately, and I think that to a certain degree I've been evading dealing with some things. To rationalize, I call this living with them. And maybe living with them is truly what I'm doing, and it's not a bad thing to do. But I have been, in general, a little unhappy lately, and I don't know why. I don't mean to paint the picture that I'm moping around, because there certainly is much happiness as well. I just don't feel like my usual happy self, and I figure that there are reasons for that. I just can't analyze them, because I can't distinguish what this mess is on the cluttered floor of my thoughts where you can't move or you'll step on something.

Maybe it's because a close friend died. After all, I've never dealt with something like that before, and who gets it right on their first try? I'm guessing, and that's all. It's been difficult. There are regrets. There's wishing, there's praying, there's avoidance, there's self-doubt. If I'm pretty sure that she's forgiven me, and I've forgiven her for varoius things, why am I still plagued by them? There's thinking you've put something away, where it goes, only to find yourself stumbling over it in the dark on your way to bed. Maybe this is all because I think too much and have a subconscious desire to make my life more dramatic than it actually is. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. And not in the friendly way. Maybe it's because I've been patient and worked hard but have yet to land that role and be given that opportunity to challenge myself no matter how hard I've fought for it. Maybe it's because I haven't worked as hard at certain things lately as I should have.

School ended and I came home-- for the first time in a year. As usual, it was anti-climactic. You'd think I'd learn that it's always a bigger deal to me than anyone else. It's been nice to just be completely comfortable with people who've known me my whole life-- even if I don't think they really know me anymore. They certainly know a lot more about the face value of my past than anyone else. And they definitely see a different side of me than a lot of other people. It's nice to be here, I missed this place and I missed my family. And I missed the East. Even the air is different.



"To me it's like the most familiar tableau I know:
So much wanting something,
So much reaching for it,
So much wishing just to have one moment back.
So much being patient,
So much blind acceptance,
I know, no I don't know."

~The Light in the Piazza