"At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can."

~Frida (A great film, I can't wait to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Tate this spring.)

I've been bouncing back and forth between optimism and depression lately. Which is something, since a month ago I was mostly unhappy. Last week I finally got a blessing about this mottled semester of personal suffering, and it really helped. I wish I could keep that feeling locked up inside, but it keeps escaping. I did get a reason, though for this experience, and just that knowledge of purpose helps immensely. It doesn't quite make me happy with it, but at least I don't feel like my life is hurtling out of control.

Until, that is, Severin jokingly responded that my hometeacher only blessed me with certain things because that's what he personally knows about me. That undermines my testimony of that blessing quite a bit. Not having the priesthood, I don't know what it's like to give someone a blessing. Do they really just use personal knowledge?

It's opening week for Handing Down the Names, and I couldn't be more relieved that I only have three more weeks of this seemingly endless torture. I will be so happy when this experience is far behind. I have grown closer to a couple of my castmates, which has been really nice, but otherwise this experience has not been uplifting. Maybe by this time next year I'll be able to come up with a better list of benifits. My blessing told me it was to stretch me for some experience in the future. Whatever that experience is, I hope it's not this over again but worse.

Something sad I've learned from this semester is that, despite my idealistic opinions of last semester, honesty cannot be the best policy. Starting last semester, I wanted to be more honest with everyone and everything; I wanted to stop hiding behind a false identity and playing games with people. Wouldn't everything be better if I was honest with all my dealings with mankind and myself? But from many people's reactions to my honesty, I have learned that society is not ready for that. With only a few people can I be truly honest about how I'm feeling, or what my opinions are. Earlier this semester I was honest, and when people asked me how I was doing, I said that I wasn't doing well. That scared people away, leaving me even worse off, because in addition to my disappointments, I had to deal with loneliness. Even people who I had thought could be counted among my best friends could not, or would not, bear the burden and blessing of honesty. Lately, even if I'm not great, I smile and say that I'm fine. Everyone is far more comfortable with that reply, and will stay and chat. There still are those few, valuable people who are not scared away, and I thank my Heavenly Father for them. But they are fewer than I would like.

I fill my time with books, music, films, and planning for Europe. I can't allow more than 10 minutes of abandon, or loneliness will creep in. I'm doing fine, because I know that all things come to pass. And I've really had more happy days in the past week and a half than in the weeks of the semester preceding them. This is a record which more often than not absorbs the venom of the soul so that I may live free of it.

So don't worry. I'm fine.