"I hear in my mind all this music, and it breaks my heart"

Infidelity by Regina Spektor

On Thursday I had to do a favor for my sister which required me to drive all the way to Heber. I was happy to, I love driving through the canyon! I had this big project due on Thursday and it was kind of a reward after staying up late working on that to drive in glorious mountains and air and trees. It was so beautiful it broke my heart. I know that sometimes I may complain a lot about Utah, but I seriously appreciate having been able to experience the beauty of these mountains. And the sunsets. And the spiral jetty. I just wish I could have explored more in my time here. I know there are countless beauties which I have no idea are out there. That makes me sad. I wish I had a personal guide to Utah's beauties, someone who knew what I would like, someone who would make me put down the book or homework or movie and get out there.

When I was little I would wish that my eyeballs could have tiny cameras inside I could control with my mind so that I could take pictures of everything I saw as I saw it, without the use of my hands, without anyone knowing, without taking the trouble of pulling out a camera and turning it on, etc. It would be so much more efficient than a normal camera. I certainly wished the same thing as I was driving.

Money makes the world go around the world go around the world go around...

Thank you Alan Cumming and the Kit Kat Girls.

This past week I have thought a lot about money. A couple of weeks ago it became clear to me that I would need to find another job this summer. My plan had been to work at the bookstore all summer. The manager had given me the idea that there would be some shifts opening up for the summer, and meanwhile I could get 10-15 hours a week working on-call. Au contraire. I'm really lucky if I get 10 hours a week now, and there are no shifts for me in the summer. Meanwhile I'm planning a much needed roadtrip into the setting sun towards ocean, redwoods, and art. Which will cost money. I'm also trying to get a credit card, but due to no credit history everyone feels they can swindle me into outrageous APR percentages. I hate money. I hate that I need it. I hate that I want it. I hate that everyone is obsessed with it. (I know, what a gross generalization.)

I put off looking for a job. I've been busy-- Costume Design has put off all of these huge projects until the end of the semester. I didn't really have time to start a new job until the semester/road trip were over. I frankly dreaded the job search. But I knew where I could turn if I had to: my good old friend Severin. He's the manager of Ben and Jerry's, and has told me and my siblings several times to come by if we needed a job. I was afraid, I didn't want to take advantage of our friendship in any way. But, impulsively, I called him on Monday and he pretty much immediately gave me a job. Not only that but he was absolutely willing to work around my numerous conflicts this summer. Never has such a flexible job been offered to me. The unfortunate part is that there weren't many hours available and it would only be for $6.50 an hour. Well, I was desperate, and that could get me through the summer. I tried to radiate my gratitude.

A couple of days later a friend gave me an application to where he worked: APX Alarms. Data entry. Um, hippie Ben and Jerry's vs. Data Entry for an impersonal corporation? No contest, right? Except that APX pays $10 an hour, 25-30 hours a week. If Oren had given me the application before I called Severin, there would be no question, I would have applied. And even so, Severin would understand that I got a much better offer, right? Well, I didn't know what to do, Sev had done such a favor for me and I didn't want to be ungrateful. I wished that someone could just say "Laura, do this" and I'd do it. But no one could. I talked to several people about it. Spencer told me I should choose the more tragic option because it would better fit my persona. Most others said "apply and see what happens...?"

Ben and Jerrys: Not a very good wage, but I would be participating in a company which I personally could support. Ice cream: good. Hippie founders: good. Easy-going atmosphere: good. Free ice cream for me: good.

APX Alarms: Lots of hours, lots of money. But I felt like I would be selling my soul. I would be working purely for the gain of money. money money money. Cold hard cash. That felt so... capitalistic. It felt so... not me. It's not like I like the company at all. They're not little, they're a huge coporation spanning the United States, Puerto Rico, and Canada. Um, I guess alarm systems are good...

So, do what I feel morally better about and be poor, or swallow my liberal views and build up my bank account? I applied for APX and the interview was more like them recruiting me. They hired me. And I sold out and went for the money. I called Severin and he was totally fine with it, he told me I could have a job with him whenever I needed it. I hope I don't regret this. Beth tried to comfort me by saying that Ben and Jerry's is just as capitalistic as APX since they charge so much for their ice cream. And that there was nothing wrong with earning money. And the very luxury of choosing between jobs like this and having the option of choosing something I might morally support or enjoy doing is a result of my being born into a middle-class family which profited from our capitalistic society. By working for APX I will have a slight taste of being the common working man.

Well when I walked into APX all of the employees seemed to be products of Abercrombie and Fitch, flip-flopped and tanned, earning an easy $10 by sitting on their bums in an air-conditioned room, chatting.

"The world is a book..."

"...and those who do not travel read only one page." ~St. Augustine

I just want to say that I wrote a great post. And then the internet ate it.