"When you try your best but you don't succeed...

When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above and down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And i…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And i…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

~Coldplay's Fix You. Listen to it, just the words don't do it justice.

How I wish there was someone who could be saying these lyrics to me. But right now, I'm pretty much on my own to fix myself, and that's not easy. I'm trying so hard and things are not working out the way I had expected and hoped. I have some great friends who are so willing to listen and can sympathize, but I can't really see that there's a helping hand reaching down to aid me in my scramble out of this pit. My time in Europe inspired me, but it also wiped me out financially. At this point I can't really build my dreams when I have nothing to buy the materials with.

When I was in London, I wished that there was such a thing as a Desire-o-Meter. Using this device, the box offices to theatres would determine who got into shows, and Bob would determine who got the best seats in our group. I wish now that companies could hire employees based on a reading from the Desire-o-Meter. I would be such a benifit to Heritage. Barnes and Noble would find a knowledgeable and passionate employee in hiring me. Books, music, and movies are some of my greatest interests and I really love to suggest good books, movies, and artists to others. I love to discover an author whose work I truly enjoy but had hitherto known nothing about, and then spread the newfound love to others. All of this love and energy is wasted, bouncing around my apartment, finding no outlet. I fear that I will end up working at a place I have no interest in. I fear that I will end up working nowhere at all.

Living without funds, my abundant free time isn't very enjoyable. I can't see any new films (though I have quite a list I would like to Netflix), I can't improve my cooking skills as planned, I can't enjoy my usual place of refuge, B&N, since all of the things I want to buy are so out of reach yet are taunting me an arm's length away, I can't go out to eat with friends, I can't have friends over to my place to eat, etc. What can I do? Go to the library. And trust me, I'm doing plenty of that. It's a solitary and uneventful existence. I can't wait for rehearsals to start. I am almost wishing I could not be in a play, because then I'd be surrounded by the comforts of home in the rich green treeful hills of New York.

My last disgruntled rant of the day is about the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Since I was feeling so down about the world, and specifically about my job and money situation, I wanted to talk to my mom. That basic instinct to run to mom with trouble drove me to the phone where I discovered that Pageant season had started. From now until a few days after the event ends, there will be next to no access to my mom. This has always been the problem between Pageant and myself. It tears my family apart. Those on the outside cannot reach those on the inside, and I often feel that since I'm not doing Pageant, I can't possibly be doing anything as important as the almighty Pageant. Being part of a large family I'm used to not having tons of attention from my parents. But when I really need her, she's always there and can find some small amount of time to devote to me. Except when Pageant is brewing, and then there's not even that. It takes up every particle of her time and energy. I guess you could say I'm a little possessive of her. It's true. I want that fifteen minutes she would otherwise be able to find for me, and when Pageant usurps my right as a daughter, I resent it a lot.

Fix You was my theme song during my last two weeks in London, and I derived great comfort from it. But it's a little depressing now that I realize that there isn't really anyone there offering to fix me. Chris Martin didn't write this song for me, and there isn't anyone stepping into his shoes.