You are feeling very sleepy...

Lately I have been having a really difficult time going to bed. I never want to go to bed. No matter how exhausted I am, I put off going to bed until I cannot STAND being up any longer. Even now, I was ready to fall asleep an hour ago, but I keep putting it off later and later. Part of this is surely just to do with habit. But part of this is something strange which I haven't encountered before. I think it's my bed. I kind of hate my bed. My bed should be a place of refuge. Something that I want to plunge into. Spend hours of time in. Because that's what we do. We spend hours and hours just in our beds. It doesn't matter that most of the time we're unconscious. We should delight in our beds. My bed should be inviting and comforting; something I love to give in to.

My bedding was bought the summer before my freshman year. I am embarrassed to describe how I ended up with the bedset I have. At that point in my life, I didn't know myself super well. I didn't know all of my preferences, what I liked, what my style was. And I was incredibly afraid of being labeled Uncool at college because I had unusual/uncool bedding. Of course, I had no idea what 'cool' bedding was. Now, I couldn't care less what other people think of my bedding. I know what I like and I am confident and unashamed of my style. But back then I was very concerned with what others thought of me. So I picked something very safe. Periwinkle and green plaid.

Now, this bedding certainly isn't ugly, and it has been fine for me. It just matters that it's there, not that it's the perfect bedding for me. Until now. Now I hate my bed. I don't know if it's the design that I hate or just the fact that it is the consequence of how little I knew myself 5 years ago. It is the embodiment of my concern for other people's opinions of me. It isn't an expression of me. And a self-conscious, safe, lack of confidence is not what I want to wrap around myself at night for 8 hours at a time. I would rather sleep on the couch.