Since graduation I've been expecting realization to finally hit me. It's kind of starting to. Tonight we had a little going away party for Slate and as we were leaving, I was totally nonplussed. I remember at the end of my last summer in Pittsford how we all knew that we were going to go off and change and things wouldn't be the same, going to college was this momentous thing and there were plenty of tears; but I think that right now I kind of am thinking they're going to be the same. I can't believe they won't be, so I'm fine. I think I'm going to see Slate next week, as usual. Probably because I'm still here in Provo. Things are starting to hit me, but I'm expecting a real crash when I get to Seattle and realize that my support system of friends is now dispersed across the country. As soon as Slate was gone I remembered that I wouldn't be seeing him again. Possibly for years. And it seems so weird, he's always been here. I mean, he hasn't, that's a silly thing to say, he got to BYU a couple of years after I did. I don't know. I guess he's been very much a part of my life the past year so that's why it's really weird. Even though we've been good friends for a relatively short period of time, he's gotten deeper than a lot of people. Which maybe wasn't always a good thing. But he's one of those friends I depend on. I really can't imagine my life without a certain number of people in it. Physically. Seeing them and interacting with them-- however small that interaction may be-- every few days or so.

I have these little flashes of realization, and then I submerge back into normal happy life. Kind of a fake fantasy. Though it's not like I should mope around, changes happen.

It's getting to be back to school time again and I'm getting a little depressed-- a little jealous of the students I see around me buying school supplies and back-to-school clothes. I'm jealous that they still have college time and that I don't get any more.

I don't like change. I think I'm going to fall apart a little when I get to Seattle. I really don't like change. This is part of the reason why a husband would be such a nice thing to have! He would always be with me.

I don't like not having my friends about me. And I don't want to make new friends. I'm happy with the ones I have and I don't want to make any more. Not to mention that it took me a few years at BYU to get really firm friends, friends who have gotten past the skin.

I don't like this. And I don't like what it forebodes. I think there are going to be some hard times. I've made it this far so well, but the time is coming. I think this summer has been a really nice respite.

How do we so calmly and casually say goodbye to someone we may not see for years? Possibly for the rest our lives? But what else can you do? A hug, a couple of words, that is all that signifies the end. No climax, no mounting music, no meaningful speeches. It happens so fast. I'm left thinking there must be more. But all there is is Goodbye. Good luck. I love you.