I'm off on a rocket ship prepared for something new

I'm off on a rocket ship ecstatic with the view
I am scared of the things that are coming
And I want for the things I don't have
Cannot stand to be one of many
I'm not what they are
Guster's "Rocket Ship"

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I am sitting in my aunt's hammock outside of her house typing because I don't know what the hell to do with my life.

I also hear a steady meowing coming from the inside of the house and I am sure it's got to be disturbing somebody.

I love hammocks. They are good for the body, soul, and mind.

So I thought I had a plan. And I thought the plan was good. I felt good about it, it seemed to make sense with my life goals. I prayed about it a lot, felt good about it in that way. And now, for a good few days now, I am thrown into conflicted turmoil. Seriously. I thought before, "well I prayed about it and felt like this is what I'm supposed to do so as long as I do everything I can, something will work out." It's not. The thought of moving to Seattle is Terrifying. I will have no friends and be completely alone. Can we say depressing? Yes, I love the city, but it's not like I'll be living downtown when I move there. If only. Still, it's the best choice for moving my career/life along.

I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack any time now.

I've been scouring Craigslist every day looking for something which may work since the LDS route did not come to my aid. I found this place which I think may be all female. It's in West Seattle, so it's a little bit off the beaten track, but it's a month-to-month lease, meaning I could look for something better while I'm there. Sounds pretty good. So why haven't I called? I don't know. What's wrong with me? Am I just scared of leaving? I don't think so. I think if I could find a good LDS place I'd be sold on it instantly. And I know I can't stay, I wouldn't want to stay, it wouldn't be the same and I don't like half the people in Utah. So what's stopping me? I know God's not going to find me a place to live without my making an effort, so this is me making an effort and I'm stopping myself. Some may think I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like there's a reason I'm not calling this place. I just don't know what it signifies.

I think life would be so much better if I was doing this WITH someone.

Some options:
1) I go home. This is a good idea because I have no money. I could save up so that I could be truly independent. This is by far the easiest choice (though how lame is it to do something just because it's the easiest?). Some may say the most responsible. I don't want to do this because I think I'd be depressed. I wouldn't have any friends there so I'd be constantly doing things by myself, I would also not be pursuing my career which would make me feel stagnant. People will look at my resume and be like, Why haven't you been doing anything for the last year? That's a problem (really, people look at things like that, they want to see steady work). I wouldn't have any acting opportunities, that's a big con to this plan. I also feel that going home would be detrimental to my relationship with my parents, as sad as that may be. Please, if either of you are reading this, don't be offended. I can't live with most of the people I love the most. Also, it would be detrimental to my church relationship because I feel like my mom would have the hawks eye on me, be checking up on me all the time, etc. I know, many of you may be rolling your eyes at this but I have a stupid, adolescent streak of "if you tell me I have to do this I will not/won't want to do it." Stupid but true. Right now, church just needs to be my thing and no one else's. So the acting, parents, church things are really big, important cons. But going home would still be the easiest. The luxury of not paying for my food or board sounds like a dream. Until I think about the cons.

2) I go to Seattle. I might be miserable living wherever I am, but I could eventually move. I will be miserable because I will only have one friend up there. I will eventually find new friends, but for the first while life will really suck. It will be really hard for me. But I will be striking out on a path which I think will be helping my career along, as slowly as it may be. I don't have a job there, but I could find one. This option takes a LOT of effort on my part, but I think that in a year from now it will be rewarding. I will be able to have a lot of audition opportunities. While I'm waiting to go to grad school I will be living someplace Gorgeous. I love Seattle, but I feel a lot of anxiety about going there. A LOT. Perhaps that's just because of the living situation, which I've felt here in Provo, and I know that that wasn't a sign I shouldn't be here, I just don't like when I don't know where I'm going to live.

3) I go home and apply for jobs in NYC, at which time I will move to NYC. This idea is a little farfetched, but this may be the best time to take advantage of any advantage I'd have being Catherine's sister. A direct reference from an employee is always a good thing. I think I would enjoy working at the library a lot and I think I'd be good at it. BUT I think if I moved to NYC at this point, I would not be an actor. As I've already decided, I should have an equity card before I make the move to NYC. I do love NY, but it just might not be my time yet. This would be a good In the Meantime plan before I go to grad school, except that I would not be beefing up my audition skills which is what I need to do.

A possibility: I go home, save up for a year, and then go to Europe. Kind of irresponsible, but it's something I could do now when I have no connections tying me down. I love Europe and want to go back so badly.

I am terribly conflicted and am therefore kind of pissy. If God would just tell me what to do, I'd do it. I've already made this decision a couple of times in favor of Seattle, but I cannot deny the anxiety I feel about it. But I don't think I feel GOOD about anything right now, so everything's just a tangled mess of emotion and stress.

And I don't like living in someone else's house. Especially when relations come over and you know you're being slightly rude by staying in your room/out on the hammock but you just don't want to deal with anyone you don't know right now. Polite conversation is amongst my least favorite things in the world.

Sidenote: while I'm backstage during Julius Caesar, I keep imagining different scenarios in which I encounter a rattlesnake. If you heard a rattle, right by you, would you immediately run away, or would you freeze perfectly still? How long would you stay still? Would I be able to pinch the snake's head to get it's teeth out of me if it bit me? I would most likely scream despite the play.

Also, why am I tired ALL THE TIME? I have gotten enough sleep since Wednesday, and I don't DO that much until the show. I should have plenty of energy. I kind of disgust myself.