I want to get in a helicoptor, and just keep going up forever...

I have refrained from posting for a while, because if I had it would have been emotional regurgitation and very self-indulgent. I didn't want to go there with this. I've tried to distance myself a little from my emotions. I tried to really experience them for a while, just to have that experience to draw from as an actor. But heaven knows that everyone who's acquainted with me is sick to death of my turmoil and depression. For a while there, it was a little scary. I almost felt clinically depressed; I just wasn't myself. But I'm getting back to normality, and getting some perspective. It's been hard, but hopefully in the future I can look back and realize what I learned from this experience and why that was important. I think that I can honestly say this is my worst semester so far. It just kept getting worse and worse. I'm still not completely happy with my situation, but I can get through it. Hopefully, I'm just paying my dues.

This semester, I have a lot of extra time on my hands, which is odd. It's not as enjoyable as I would have thought. I mostly feel like I'm wasting my time. I need to take up jogging or something, instead of watching shows on tv which are really not stimulating in any way. I feel the need to invest my whole self in some artistic thing-- but there's nothing immediately available. I feel oddly disconnected and undriven in school. I'm not really passionate about any of my classes.

I'm grateful for 'Cymbeline'. It gives me a means of escape. It's just fun. I spend five to six hours every Tuesday with some really interesting people, and hopefully opening up some children's eyes to theatre. This is hard to believe, since I- who loves theatre so much- was never much inspired by any of the groups who came to my school. The first time I remember having a really passionate response to theatre, thinking that this is something I would love to do with my life, was during a touring company production of Les Miserables. It may actually have been seeing The Secret Garden at the Kennedy Center, but I barely remember anything about that experience.

I desparately want this semester to be over, so I can fly away to England. It's going to be a little hard to not wander away on my own I think. I generally like to be around other people, but I feel this intimacy with London, and England in general, which I could totally experience with Sylvia and Logan. But at this moment in time, I don't know other people who will have that same intimacy, and I think I'll want to tryst with England on my own once in a while. On the other hand, I'm really excited about the people I will meet and grow closer to because of this experience, and I'm sure I'll be hanging out with people who love England as much as I do.

Sylvia's leaving on Tuesday morning. It's going to be sad to not have her here. I'm excited for her to move on with her life, and to take the world on. But I loved having her here, someone that I could be totally honest with, and who was one of the most supportive people I've ever known. At least we have Verizon, so we can talk for free whenever we want.

It's my birthday soon. When New Year's, my birthday, or the beginning of another school year roll around, I always wonder what's going to happen in the next year, reflecting on my past year. A lot has happened. I'm a little scared about what else will happen. And I wish there was a "next year in the life of Laura" preview that I could watch.

Another day, I'm still not dead.

We were cast in "Handing Down the Names", and I got a crappy part. I cannot put into words how sad/disappointed/frustrated I am. Suffice it to say that Friday night was my worst in a long time. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. This semester now looks pretty sucky since I have to put so much time into this production which I love so desparately, but which I can't actually contribute to that much. I am so sad.

Moving on, I'm also taking four classes and am in the travelling Young Company production of "Cymbeline". Not much to talk about there, except that Musical Scene Study really scares me.

I'm still in numb-- trying not to feel how hurt I am-- mode. This is a big reason why it's hard for me to get emotional onstage: in my real life, rather than feeling the hurt, I detach. It's the only way I know how to deal with it.

Resolutions:
Be tidier around the house
Don't spend money on food besides my groceries
Be super frugal
Be more active

I'm doing pretty well with the money side of things, except for the sushi dinner I allowed myself yesterday since the weekend had been so sucky. Sundance was also pretty much sold out when we went to get tickets yesterday. I hung out at Trevor's house on Saturday night though, and we listened to the Flaming Lips' four cds (Zaireeka) simultaneously, which was awesome.

At this moment, I feel like my life kind of sucks. I know that there are many parts of it which are incredible, which I don't fully appreciate. But there are also several areas which suck. But I keep on living, and I will just try to deal.

"Harold and Maude" was my therapy of choice last night. That movie is amazing.