Forget your troubles c'mon get happy, You better chase all your cares away...

Today was a good day. It's been a while. So although I know that recounting one's day in a blog is about the lamest thing you can do, I'm doing it.

It started out with an interview for a job which I didn't think went so well. I skulked back to my car pleading with the heavens for this job. I am just so desperate! At home, I settled myself down for the familiar wait for the call which would never come. I was just drifting off to a nap when my phone rang-- with a 422 number! I GOT A JOB!!! I'll be working at the candy counter in the BYU bookshop. I'll be a true candyman, so I can sing the Willy Wonka song. I took the job immediately, but there's a hitch in what I wish could be celebratory, wild abandonment. They offered me a different shift than what I applied for. I'll be working from 10:45 to 2:30 Monday through Friday, which conflicts with Young Company. I'm not really sure what I should do, but at the moment I'm waiting for my training meeting on Friday to see if anyone could cover my shifts or something. I'm hoping hoping hoping. I do NOT want to quit Young Company. I think it would kill a small part of my soul if I had to give up theatre for cold hard money. And I would be appalled and ashamed by my behavior; dropping a show after being committed for months is unacceptable. But I need this job. I'll just have to make it work out.

I spent the day reading, (Atonement by Ian McEwan), and then started the movie which came in the mail today from Netflix: Little Voice. I was really liking it, but tore myself away to go to my first Hamlet rehearsal. It's such fun, I love being in this group. I moved on to my Macbeth rehearsal which was supposed to consist of our first full runthrough. But, due to missing cast members, we worked on some witch scenes and then moved on to animal imagery! I loooove this technique of exploring character.Perhaps because one of my favorite games as a kid was to just pretend I was an animal. As soon as I decided on my animal (a wolf who had been shunned by her pack), I immediately saw changes. It was exhilerating, and I can't wait to get back to rehearsing. I love this feeling. I love acting.

And then back to the movie. I loved it! Jane Horrocks is my hero. And her name was Laura! I wish I had a Judy Garland film in reach to watch immediately. I love when you watch a movie you know nothing about, and you unexpectedly Love it. It's such a delight.

I also love when you're really hungry and food, even if it's as simple as bread, tastes so much better than it usually does.

I love unexpected connections in life. It makes me feel like my life truly is cohesive and means something.

I love being part of a group of people who are behaving like animals on the grass as a bridal party passes, staring.

I love how incredibly wonderful going to bed feels after a filled and exhausting day.

I love watermelon.

I love DVDs. I love their incredible quality of picture and sound. I try to avoid videos at all costs.

I love that I can trust that everything will work out. If I didn't have this comfort to fall back on, I would worry way too much. There's someone looking out for me.

"Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road."

"If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me?"

~Out of Africa

One of my favorite things about Howl's Moving Castle is that Howl's present to Sophie is a field full of flowers, a breathtaking view, a place she can go whenever she needs to. And my favorite thing about Out of Africa is the present Denys gives to Karen-- the plane ride over breathtaking sights, a view of the world as God sees it, an experience she will never forget. Let me meet a man who will give me such presents.

she always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day...

~Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

I think I've been avoiding blogging so as to avoid a negative ramble which doesn't help anyone. But maybe it will help to write some of it out.

I have been spending the days in a ceaseless cycle of 'what do I want to do with myself now?'. The answer is usually an indifferent sigh as I reach for a book or peruse the many films in my apartment. I've discovered that you can relish reading for pleasure much more when your liesure time is a little less abundant. Not that I'm not grateful for the free time I have. I really hope that when I one day have a job or when I return to school I can look back on this time without the negative feelings which constantly lurk beneath my complacent surface.

I would feel fine, even if I am embracing the lazy side of life a little too much, if I didn't feel like I was disappointing my mom. But she's just been so generous, so supportive, and so faithful in my ability to find a job that, after a month of being home, I find it ridiculous that I am still failing in the main thing I am trying to do here in Provo. In fact, I have quite often felt like I was disappointing someone for the past few months. Mainly, Susan Howe-- my teacher in London--, and maybe various directors, in addition to my mom. This doesn't seem normal. I think something isn't going quite right in my life right now, though I'm not sure what it is or how to fix it.

Whenever Beth walks through the door, exhausted from her busy and meaningful life of work and rehearsal, I pounce on her, demanding to know what happened during her day, keeping her talking as long as possible. Is this to avoid smothering in my own thoughts, which I experience 80% of my waking hours? Or to live vicariously through her fulfilling life which incorporates the perfect balance of duty and recreation? If I happen to get my sister Lindsay, (or anyone for that matter,) on the phone, I keep her talking as long as possible too, though this is a little more difficult--when talking with Lindsay, I am usually the one spurring conversation or loquaciously going on and on about minor things which I can tell she's only half listening to.

But I've done it again. This has indeed turned negative and if you are reading this you are either pitying me or are disgusted by me.

To turn to more cheerful thoughts, I went to B&N last night, my favorite store in the world, to get the new Harry Potter. I kind of made Beth go with me, thinking that if I showed up at 12:30 a lot of the crowd would have scurried off by then to devour the new chapters immediately. But there was still plenty of people, and I could sense Beth's regret as we pulled into our parking spot. I, on the other hand, couldn't have been happier. If I could have gotten someone to go with me, I would have gone to the party which had been going on until the clock struck twelve. I loved being surrounded by all of the Harry Potter enthusiasm. Many were dressed up, and I loved the frenzied atmosphere, so many people just waiting and itching for this book, another opportunity to delve into the world of witches and wizards. A world where, although we all know more dear friends are going to suffer and die before the end of this series, everything will turn out alright. One of the strongest attractions to this world, for me, is their powerful ability to use the magical powers within them for good and bad; to heal and create, as well as to fight the forces which are threatening their happiness. It's something tangible, they can whip out their wands and cast a spell. Bad things are going on, and Harry actually has the power and opportunity to fight against it, using not only his magical powers, but one of his greatest weapons: love. I love returning to this world each and every time. I don't think I can describe the comforting feeling that I always get as I imagine Harry and his friends returning to Hogwarts, but I love it, and I yearn to be going with them to Hogwarts. It's pretty amazing that Rowling could inspire this longing for a fictional school in me, but it's strong. Although the students are constantly complaining about their homework, I know that I would find it so fascinating! I million times better than the general education I have endured. True, imagining taking Charms or Transfiguration gives me the same thrill that I get when I think about taking many theatre classes, so I guess I'm lucky. But if such a place as Hogwarts truly existed. I do believe that I may choose it over acting (how shocking-- the acting gods are going to curse me now.) History of Magic is so much better than American History! Harry and company don't have to take anything which compares to math and chemistry (the chemistry classes I experienced were nothing near Potions, if that that's what you're thinking). True, nobody seems to talk much about film, theatre, or literature int he Harry Potter world, and I would miss that. But, if I could live in any book world, it would be the Harry Potter world-- as long as I could be a witch.

If I could live in any TV world, it would be the Gilmore Girl world-- as long as I could practice their witty repartee and endless culturally referential knowledge. As long as I could, like them, be human and make mistakes but end up not only happy but beloved by an entire town of quirky people. What would I give to live in Stars Hollow (I could even take a bus to NYC whenever I desired) and participate in their varied and entertaining festivals. Neither of the Gilmore Girls go long without a boyfriend, and their relationship with each other is to be envied. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mom and wouldn't really exchange her, but how great would it be to have a stylish, smart mom and best girlfriend wrapped up in one beautiful package? Not to mention the filthy rich grandparents who fawn over their only grandchild and provide her with a great job or travel opportunities whenever needed.

But alas, I don't live in a fictional world. I just hope that one day kind of soon, I will have a week where things truly do seem to be going right. When, as I smile and tell everyone how great I am, I actually mean every bit of it. I mean it now, but that's because I'm comparing myself to the large amount of people in the world who are living in much more difficult conditions than my blessed self. I would like to mean it when I am comparing myself to the average American college girl. But then again, as I place those sentences together referring to so many people who are not nearly as fortunate as the average American college girl, I've got to admit that I am pretty damn lucky. And I'm grateful for it.