I'm all at sea. Now I need you more than ever.

Today was one of those days where I did a great job of being upbeat and happy at school. I comparmentalized, I'm pretty talented at that. It doesn't help my acting, but it gets me through the day just great. The smile slipped just a smidge at improv. And now I'm home alone in my room, and there's no one to keep myself together for. I'm
depressed
tired
stressed
hurt

"Everybody knows, it hurts to grow up. And everybody does."

"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future-- to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities. God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Thank you Emily for this inspiration I needed today.

"Do something every day that scares you."

Wise words, Baz.

Lately I've done a pretty good job following that advice. Namely, I've started working on a film, and I've been part of a unique Improvisational Theatre troupe called The Thrillionaires. But you're an acting major, Laura, shouldn't this all come naturally to you? Au contraire, my friend. For the past month and a half or so, I've been attending a weekly improv workshop. The first two weeks I had to literally stop thinking and just direct my feet towards the door because when it came time to leave, I was scared and didn't feel like putting myself through that. I am so glad I went. When I was there, I was always really glad and had a lot of fun. I've learned a lot, gained a little bit of confidence, and improved friendships.

Well, tonight The Thrillionaires had their first show. Last week I was invited to perform, and to become a part of the advanced group. I was really happy about that. And it felt good that pros, who'd been doing improv for years, had enough confidence in me to want to perform with me. As tonight approached, I kept expecting to get nervous, and even claimed that I was. But I don't think that I really was, which is unusual and surprising. Even tonight, I figured that any minute that familiar sensation in the stomach would begin. And it never did. I sometimes felt pretty awkward, but not my traditional nervousness. I was comfortable out there on the stage. Granted, I was onstage for maybe 5 minutes out of a 1 1/2 hour show, but still. It felt really good to be there. And so now I really regret not jumping in more. It was my first time working with all of these very experienced people altogether, and so I felt that I needed permission to jump up and join, to cast myself in a substantial part, instead of just backup (though backup is needed sometimes and I feel fine about providing it.) The scariest thing about improv for me is the jumping up and casting myself part. And so I resolve, tomorrow when we practice, and next week, I will not stifle the many impulses I had tonight. Following my impulses will be what allows my fellow improv artists to trust me. Despite my strange comfort on the stage, improv is still scary. And I don't think it will ever stop being scary, I just am gaining the experience to be able to deal with that scariness, I can let it exist and still continue with the scene. It doesn't conquer me like it has in the past.

The film I started this weekend terrified me. I was so stressed. I'd never done film work before, except for my Acting for Film class, and I felt really out of my element. But it was pretty fun. I think I really enjoyed it. I think if I had allowed myself to invest just a smidgeon more, it would have been really fun. And I think that will come with time. I just have to get used to the camera again.

My roommate, Beth, who saw the show tonight, shared some wise thoughts with me. There's a lot in me, a lot of talent, a lot of commitment, a lot of great stuff. But I find excuses to not allow all of that to come out. My biggest excuse and affliction is lack of confidence. So, I think I just need to throw myself out there. My risks will be bigger, my work will be better. I will make myself a Woman of Opportunity. That's scary.