I left BYU and found my testimony.

Have you ever seen those t-shirts? I think it's true.

And just so you know, I don't just enjoy taking pictures of myself. In fact I have to be very sneaky about it since I'm always using my computer in public places. But Elizabeth had a fun idea that I always post a picture of myself. I should start being more creative with it though. Here's me in my tie outfit. Catherine was quite surprised when she heard I wore a tie when I was in NYC. It's actually Christopher's tie, maybe I accidentally stole it.

Tonys: Boring. I liked Spring Awakening, and I'm sure The Coast of Utopia is a work of genius, but did they really have to win everything? No. Did they deserve to win everything? No. I feel like the voters were just giving themselves a nice pat on the back for celebrating such a 'subversive' and edgy work and a 9-hour long play which they probably only understood half of. Don't get me wrong, I love Tom Stoppard, and there were certainly many incredible actors involved. But do you ever feel that people just celebrate things that are too intelligent to understand just because they can't understand them? I pretty much think anything Coram Boy was nominated for it should have won (especially Best Director), but it won nothing. The 'previews' for numbers later on, made in character, were awkward. What was that Ugly Betty boy doing there? He confused me. I didn't know who he was and had to text Catherine to clear it up. Curtains looked awful. I really like David Hyde Pierce but I hated that number they did. I still wish I could have seen some of Legally Blonde, I was disappointed they didn't have a number. Someone told me they would. I can't believe Curtains was nominated over that, it seems like such a money-maker. No, that shouldn't reflect in Tony nominations, but it does.

Talking with Susannah yesterday was great. She is so sweet and so friendly. I was kind of amazed when I followed her around church and observed first-hand how friendly she is to Everyone. And it was very encouraging to talk with her about the program. I find myself getting tired, and talking about the program and her hard times with it, then the great things about it really gave me a second (third? fourth?) wind.

And Barta called to check up on me, which was way nice.

So today started with a first showing of our second Chekhov scene. Last night I kind of just felt like, what the hell, whatever I do will be wrong so I'll just have fun with this. Then this morning I was like "what was I thinking?! I should have read the play again and run the scene ten more times!" Well, it turned out alright. There's plenty of work to be done with it, but we just got the scene on Friday so I really don't feel bad about it. We were memorized which is more than everyone can say. And surprisingly enough, our instructor had some positive things to say about it. It was definitely still harsh, but those couple of comments made me feel good.

In Extended Character we were to have our first performances of our monologues. I don't remember if I mentioned, but I decided to do Padraic from "The Lieutenant of Inishmore" by Martin McDonaugh. The cutting off the nipple speech. I was totally memorized and I absolutely should have gone in class today, but I didn't! I'm a little ashamed. I just wanted to work on it a little more before I got up there, but I really should have just gone. Lots of times the more spontaneous you are the better you are. Oh well, I'll go first on Wednesday. And I want to find a razor to play with. I need to get rid of this habit of hanging back til near the end.

We had movement again today, which was great. But sometimes I get really distracted when I should just be focusing on my breathing or something, looking at everyone and thinking how ridiculously odd this would look to my mom if she walked in the door. I mean, at times when everyone is basically writhing on the floor, or we're dancing around the room silently letting our arms be as tense-free as possible. But I love it, and it's good stuff, you know? It would just seem so crazy to some random person who stumbled into the room accidentally.

During Movement, Daniel arrived (dum dum DUUUUUUM!). He was at a workshop last week, so today is the first time we've seen him. He's the head, and the one who auditions. As soon as he entered the room I knew who he was. Every atom in my being knew who he was. And suddenly things turned competitive. Ug, don't you hate that? But it was just instinct, it kicked in so hard. Well, I suppose I shouldn't care if it gives me an extra edge of focus.

Camera today was a good class. It was confusing. It was changing. I still can't believe how flustered a camera makes me. It's so silly. I thought I would be perfectly fine, but as soon as I got up there my giggling started: the sign that I'm self-conscious. What made it slightly worse is that I'd asked this guy to be my partner, and I picked the most attractive guy because my monologue is about how I'm incredibly attracted to him even though I'm saying no, I will not go out with him. On the first day of the program I pretty quickly identified the guy who was most attractive to me (which isn't necessarily the most attractive guy to everyone...) which was just a bad idea. Why did I do that? I should have focused on work. Anyway, the exercise started out where you just sit up there, the class gives you a topic to discuss, and you just talk with the scene partner. What was my topic? Boys. What makes me flustered and self-conscious? Boys. I never talk to boys about boys. That's girl talk. What were they thinking? I was so flustered, it's so silly. He asked me what my type was and I didn't know. Then they asked what I looked for in a husband. What?! What kind of question is that? I don't know, I've barely dated. And sitting across the table from me is an attractive boy. Eventually the question turned to college. Oh boy, whenever college comes up, Mormons come up. Now everyone knows I'm mormon. Again, not a bad thing, just not a label that i want placed upon me. I don't want assumptions made. I want people to know me for me, not for just being a mormon, though of course that is part of me. All of this was just so vulnerable. I was talking about very personal, vulnerable things in front of everyone. Usually I discuss such things on a one-on-one basis, if I feel comfortable enough. But here I am, spilling my guts to a bunch of people I don't really know. One of them being very attractive. It was just crazy vulnerable.

And doing my monologue was hard, and usually that one (the Greys Anatomy one) is really easy for me. Man, camera is crazy. It's so different. I need practice so badly and there is no opportunity. We only have two more classes, not nearly enough time. Hillary is SUCH a great teacher. I loved what she was doing with everyone. Not just film technique, but monologue work. She knows her stuff and she knows how to nail you. And she's so positive. Everyone did the best work I've seen them do yet.

Now I need to watch that tape and I am dreading it. And I'm a little embarrassed about the boy situation. Hillary said it was very brave of me to ask him to be my partner, what does that mean?

You know what's unnerving? You're not supposed to take your eyes off your scene partner when you're doing a close-up, and so he or she, if they're a good scene partner, won't take their eyes off of you. It's awful. I didn't realize how MUCH I hide from people. It was so uncomfortable to have him just staring at me. And I desperately did not want to keep my eyes locked on him more than one second at a time. But I was not supposed to look away, ever. It was a revelation of how much I hide. From everyone. All the time.

You know what else is unnerving? How I don't think I will ever have a boyfriend I really like because I will always be so freaked out that I will run away and unless the boy really fights to get me to stop freaking out nothing will ever happen. I have already witnessed how I run away from boys who flirt with me. I literally ran away. Not to mention me flirting with anyone. There is plenty of opportunity, and I have definitely noticed a difference between boys here vs. boys in Utah. Boys in Utah hardly ever flirt with me, but here, there's a lot more checking out going on. I usually don't really believe that it's happening, but it is. And I could flirt, but I usually just keep my eyes down, turn inward, and go about my own personal business. What is going to happen to me? I have really messed myself up here. Or perhaps I can just blame it on all the boys I've liked who have not liked me back. Because really, isn't that why I'm so freaked out? Because I ventured with those other guys and got shut down? I just need a guy to go out on a limb for me, and then maybe I'll learn how to interact normally.

For Rockstar I've decided to be a Spice Girl. Me and some girls in my group are going to perform 'Wannabe'. I'm Scary Spice. I would kind of prefer to be an artist I really like (as much as I enjoy that song during workouts), but I did want to do a song that rocked. Most of the artists on my iPod are a little mellower.

I don't like how affected I am by whomever I'm performing with. It always happens during callbacks, I second guess myself or am just influenced by other people performing. I've not performed to the best of my ability here, and it's because lots of people here are not the caliber that BYU people are. That sounds awfully rude, and it certainly has so much to do with the training they've had and our short preparation time. But it's true. And I know that if some certain BYU people were here, I'd be stepping it up a notch. I need to.

I don't really have time to explain the title, but I have definitely found that it is so much better being a mormon here than in Provo. The past year has been interesting, and I'm glad I've done what I've done. In a way, I would not have been prepared to be here where I am the only mormon, frequently explaining mormons or defending mormons, if I hadn't gone through the process I have in the last six months. I went to church yesterday for the first time since Christmas. I'm glad. And I'm glad I stayed away when I did. It's so much better to be going because I want to rather than going because I knew I was supposed to or felt guilty about it. There are certainly plenty of things which I still don't enjoy or agree with, but I'm become better at forgiving people for faults rather than seeing those faults as part of the gospel. And I feel so much better about taking the time and effort to choose being mormon rather than just being mormon because that's how I was raised.