Wednesday Post

After BYU, It's weird not only being somewhere where I'm the only mormon, but performing for and with people that I don't know, and not being known by others. Not having a place. At BYU, at least for this past year, I felt like I had a place. I had a reputation-- I'm not sure what it was, but people had an idea of me. It's also weird to me that everyone else doesn't know about my many insecurities. Because I feel like with my last few major acting classes at BYU everyone was so very well aware of most of them. But here, for all everyone else knows I could think I was great. It's empowering in a way. I can have that reputation here, that I'm confident. Except of course, I'm not, and that will eventually come out. Well, I am, but it's still on weak legs. It's a weird thing, something I don't like, but of course the optimist in me also says that it's a great opportunity.

Today was hard. Hip-hop first thing in the morning. It exhausted an already exhausted me. And I had my first preview for Chekhov today, and let's just say that I'm a perfectionist for one thing. I'm never satisfied with my work. But I expected something more. And I fear that all this work in the past year on being vulnerable has messed me up a little. That's always my first direction now. I was playing Elena, in a scene where she should be on about equal status with Astrov, and there was no question in the audience that my status was way below his. That wouldn't have happened a couple of years ago, I would have chosen the strong choice. Even in the past year I've been constantly told that I continue to make anger choices first, and I didn't with this scene. But people can still be strong without being angry and I don't know but I just feel messed up. Out of balance. Like I can't trust my instincts? Which is a wretched way to feel for an actor. You're not supposed to feel that way. I also may just be intellectualizing everything too much, which wouldn't be surprising.

But we did have a pretty amazing Extended Character class on body forms today. There are six basic body forms which are hardly seen out in the world as pure or extreme. Usually people are constantly switching from one to another, mixing up different aspects of different ones. It will certainly make me look at people differently. I loved it.