No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.

Virginia Woolf, reiterated by the amazing Julie Glover. I feel priveleged to know this girl. She moved me to tears today, with one simple, but never just simple, paragraph:

"So, write yourself something, in songs, in poems, in rants or dance, with brushes, equations, paints or blushes, black and white or color splashed, just give yourself something that isn't so sad, that isn't so ill-willed, just for a single moment, just try to be happy with your own skin, with your own thoughts, with your own experiences, just to see how it feels."

Julie is one of the most intriguing, complex, amazing people I know. I hope I don't lose touch with her. That entry meant a lot, the last part especially connected, though I don't know if it was more for her close friends at school.

Our highschool clan has grown apart. I knew it would happen. But it's sad just the same. Simultaneously, it's the way things are. At least we still hang out when we're home, it's not like we won't speak to each other. And I still care about them deeply. It's harder to say what they feel about me since we hardly ever talk-- but I am just as much at fault in that area as anyone else. I just remember at the end of senior year when we loved each other so much and I dreaded with my whole being the day when we wouldn't be as tight as that. But it's here, and I'm still living. And hopefully when I'm home in a few weeks, I'll remember this and take as much time as possible with them. Because they're amazing people.

It's a Badly Drawn Boy day.

The last few weeks of school are always rough-- but why do they always feel like they're the roughest they've ever been? At least I'll be prepared this semester with my proficiencies monologues. I'll be desparately glad to fly away home again. I feel like I haven't been there for ages. Though it will be so weird to not see Sylvia or Logan for two weeks.

Severin's coming home on Thursday, which is incredible. These past two years have flown by, but I feel ages older. I'm not just a different shade, but almost a different color. Almost. I feel... relieved that Severin will be back. It'll be interesting to see how our friendship will be different, and to see how much is still the same.

It's also a cocoa day.

Peace and Love.

The photograph of Maude which inspired "Somewhere in Time". 

It's in my genes.

I got an email tonight, forwarded from my uncle, Nicholai Sorensen. It's freaking amazing:

"I've been looking for material on Maude Adams lately, the cousin of great-grandmother Beulah Adams [that would be two greats for me]. There's surprisingly little in print, given that a hundred years ago she was perhaps the most popular actress in the US, and that the play "Peter Pan" was written with her in mind. Anyhow, one can find interesting things on the web. For example, apparently Alphonse Mucha did an oil of her as Joan of Arc, to be used as a theatrical poster. The original oil's in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I'd never seen it before, and was fascinated. Apparently Maude (who never married and has a kind of lesbian following, although there's nothing to indicate any leanings in that direction for her) was the original inspiration behind the turn-of-the-century actress character played by Jane Seymour in the 1980 movie "Somewhere in Time." Richard Matheson, who wrote the novel the movie was based on, saw a photograph of her in Virginia City (one of the frontier towns where her stage career started) and had an intense reaction to it. So Maude never had children, and her cousin Beulah wasn't nearly as attractive, unfortunately for us. One of the reasons the memory of her has largely disappeared was that, unlike her rival Ethel Barrymore, she did not move into movies, although I'd hope that somewhere there's some footage of her performing. I note that she did have a penchant for cross-dressing roles (starting this business of females playing Peter Pan, and she played males in a number of other productions). Maybe that's what attracts lesbians. I find her quite interesting, too."

Katie's convinced we were absolutely meant to be friends since Peter Pan is her favorite children's story. I am just thrilled to know this bit of family history. I'm totally naming my daughter Maude. And I'm doing some research.

I should stop wasting your time.

Today was an odd mixture of excitement and disappointment. At the moment, curled up in my bed with the second Romeo + Juliet cd playing the Desiree song on repeat, secluding myself from the world, I am extremely disgruntled. And I'm not sure why, so I can't fix it. All I know is that I want to secede from my life just for tomorrow. Not that tomorrow is extremely horrible, I'm just tired, and all I want to do right now is take some time off.

Today I read a play which I love, "Handing Down the Names" by Steven Dietz. I had decided that I wanted to audition for "Family", which David Morgan is directing, but after hearing Morag rave about the Dietz play last night, I decided to check it out. I love it, and I really really want to be a part of it. Bob is directing, which is unfortunate, but hopefully it will still turn out ok. The play really spoke to me, perhaps because of Family History, which I'm taking this semester. So that was my excitement of the day-- I skipped Family History so I could continue reading. I also chose my monologue for the Cymbeline audition.

Then I went to Bus Stop, where I just don't want to be anymore. I don't like this backstage work-- maybe I could enjoy makeup or costumes, but this dresser work is boring. At least I'm there with people I like. It sounds like "A Generation Raised in Propriety" is going to be shut down, which makes me extremely disappointed, frustrated, angry, and any other synonym thereof. I'm still really not in a good place with Kevin, which is kind of wearing on me. I don't like being upset with people, it's very disrupting. But I think it's definitely his place to set things right, I already tried.

Disappointment (Dogville), after disappointment (Generation). Hopefully the next disappointment won't be Handing Down the Names.

I have a lot of homework to do. Instead I'm doing this. Not a good sign.

Composed Upon Westminster Bridge

Earth has not anything to show more fair:
Dull would he be of soul who could pass by
A sight so touching in its majesty:
This City now doth like a garment wear
The beauty of the morning; silent , bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky,
All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.
Never did the sun more beautifully steep
In his first splendour, valley, rock, or hill;
Ne'er saw I, never felt a calm so deep!
The river glideth at his own sweet will:
Dear God! the very houses seem asleep;
And all that mighty heart is lying still!

~Wordsworth


I want to be in London today.

Welcome November

"and that’s why i have to go back
to so many places in the future,
there to find myself
and constantly examine myself
with no witness but the moon
and then whistle with joy,
ambling over rocks and clods of earth,
with no task but to live,
with no family but the road."
—pablo neruda