Maybe I love the girl who crawled into my bed this morning as I was sleeping, kissed my shoulder, put her arms around me and murmered "Don't be sad." We lay there. "How did you know?"

This blog may seem melancholy lately, but I promise I'm not always like this. You may have the impression that I mope around school all day, but that's not true. I just feel that I have to put on a good face for the world, so this is someplace where I don't. And I'm not always having to put a good face on, it is just there sometimes. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's not very convincing because as much as I want to appear fine I also want people to know I'm hurting or troubled. I don't know how I appear. I don't know how successful I am in seeming fine when I'm not or if people think I'm not fine when I am. But I do know that I love those people who can tell when I'm not fine and do something about it.

Things got better after that depressing post. Not immediately. I thought I would wake up and feel normal, but I didn't. I didn't feel normal until Slate suggested we run through our ACTF scenes. And that did it. His willingness, his suggestion of it. I feel like I've dragged him into this thing which he does not want to do, and it makes me feel bad. I want him to want to do it.

And this week was a stressful one, but I have accomplished some important things: my neutral mask thing went well; Slate and I practiced then previewed our scenes and my monologue and I don't have to change them, they're roughly blocked, and we have set up times to work with Stephanie and Barta again; I know which monologues I'm doing for grad school auditions, so I can set up times next week to work on them with professors; my song for showcase was transposed and I sang for my class- the first time is always the hardest; I'm doing Summer and Smoke for showcase; all of my auditions for grad school are scheduled; I helped a friend in time of need. For this week I memorized and performed 3 different scenes and 3 different monologues-- that's a lot for a four-day week.

Perhaps the one good thing about not being in a show is that I feel like I have Saturdays back. When you're doing a show and you have a rehearsal Saturday morning it almost seems like another school day. But here I am, at 2 in the afternoon, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, writing a blog. I may not have any time during the week for anything but school, but the weekends actually provide some relief now.

Yes, I feel left out. I feel like all I do anymore is monologues, very solitary, and all I want to do is be in a play. When I say goodbye to my friends as they head to rehearsal and I head home I feel a little sad every time. But that's life.

There better be something damn good coming along. In the meantime at least I have some damn good friends.