"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves."

I have found many precious gems of insight and connection in the newly-discovered and much-loved "My So-Called Life". Logan, Sylvia, and Kevin introduced me. Angela speaks to me.

Last week was pretty bizarre. If only I could truly communicate to this journal how odd those days were. First was a series of attacks from three sides about Michael Moore, and my attempt at defending him and myself. Which led to offense. Then was the discovery of a shared crush, which still exists, but I'm getting used to it. It helps that other people know. And who knows, maybe the more I get to know him, my crush will fade. It's happened before. Fringe tech started last monday, and we continued to work throughout the week on our pieces. I ended up feeling pretty good about my show, and closer to satisfied than I've been in a long time. I needed that, as I discussed with Mary as school started. I just wasn't happy at all with "Papa..." and "Enchanted April" was just... not what I wanted. I received many compliments, which was really nice. My need for affirmation annoyingly continues. I was also asked on a blind date, arranged by Jared. I couldn't go because I was performing Saturday night, but it was nice to be thought of as a prospect for a date. I've never been asked on a blind date before, so that was new. I spent some quality time with Fringe people. Friday night we went to Emily's house, talked, played 10 Fingers of "I've never...", and made cheesecake. It was nice hanging out with some new people. Emily, Angela, Kyle, Shelby, Kevin, and Sylvia were there.

On Saturday, Sylvia and I went shoe/baby shopping, went to Kristin's baby shower, and started towards Salt Lake City with Emily to go see "Garden State" again. But, alas, we hadn't gotten very far before we were rear-ended. This unexpected event actually didn't take long, though it added more oddity to the week. There was a decaying animal on the side of the road, whose bones were bleaching in the sun. We also got a call from Logan who had seen us on the side of the freeway and wanted to make sure we were ok. He was heading to Salt Lake for an audition at Plan-B Theatre Company, which went well. We got to the movie on time, and interestingly it made me cry a lot more this time. The first time I saw it, I loved it and it totally spoke to me. But this time, whoa, it made me cry a lot. Zach, I love you.

Sunday, Sylvia, Logan and I went to Salt Lake again for Logan's callbacks. Sylvia and I just wanted to get out of town, so we went for moral support. We then went back to Logan's house where Kevin was making dinner for his and my cast, and then at 8 Fringe people came over for a cast party. We ended up staying there all through the night, and I pulled my first true all-nighter ever. No sleep at all, I just went straight to work. Then I had to write a paper, go to a voice lesson, and got to classes before I got an hour and a half nap. That night included Logan, Sylvia, Emily, Kyle, Shelby, Kevin, and myself. We watched two episodes of My So-Called Life, got permanent-marker tattooes, and Kevin read our Tarot cards. We all asked about our love lives, and it was pretty interesting. Mine basically said that at the current time I am non-volitional, with no aspirations, and my love life is going nowhere; I've given up. In the near future I'll have an abusive relationship, and my result future will be a big change, a painful separation from what I've been doing. Yikes. The reading also said that on the inside I am a very warm and loving person who will be a great wife and mother. So the reading was pretty accurate as to what's going on in the present, but the future looks rather scary. But the thing about tarot cards is that is shows the future how it would happen if I don't change things. But I can change things, I can become more volitional and change things. Interesting...

Today I skipped all of my classes and slept like crazy. Now my mission for the week is to catch up on all the stuff I haven't been doing since Fringe started. And to clean my room, which has exploded.

Life barrels on.

"Fringe is code for lack of consistency. Or training."

This blog has not flourished, but it will soon, I promise. Hopefully next week I will be able to catch up on all that has been left behind since school started. I have no idea what my last post was, but I'm in a Fringe show, a festival of short plays (supposedly ten minutes, but a couple are longer.) My show is called "Alas, Babel", written by the amazing Kevin Snow. I had auditioned for Fringe, but did not get cast. Until someone dropped out of this show, at which time they asked me to do it. Since the first rehearsal though, I've really been struggling. This has been a real challenge for me, which is a great learning experience, but it has definitely heightened my stress level. I was really afraid that we were not performing the piece the way that Kevin had intended when he wrote it, and I desperately didn't want him to be disappointed with us. Also, add to this my scary amount of lines. This piece is like a 15 minute monologue, including some thoughts which aren't very connected, therefore making the piece hard to memorize. I pretty much memorized it on Sunday and Monday, and by now (with the help of Heavenly Father I am sure) I have it all there. It's pretty amazing. We've had tech all week, and last night was the first time Kevin saw the show. And he said that we did a great job! Really, his opinion of the show is the most important for me. Tonight we had a full run through, at which time he repeaed his praises of the show. Of course, so much is due to his script, but it felt so good to get affirmation on what I was doing. I haven't really felt good about my performance in this show until tonight. I am so grateful for people who express their feelings on shows; in other words, people who honestly tell me what they think of the show and my performance. It helps so much.

Eric Samuelsen is a professor at BYU, and one that I have heard a Lot about through Logan and Sylvia. I almost feel like I know him, except that I had never personally spoken with him before. But tonight he asked Sylvia who I was, and actually complimented me! He started talking with me, which was kind of weird because he knew nothing about me, when I knew so much about him. But it made me really happy.

Huzzah for Fringe. I wish I had encouraged more people to come and see it. Now that I have seen how everything works and that I'm not going to suck, I wish I had publicized it better. Ah well. I just hope that Lindsay does come, despite her jerkiness.

So I have to go to work in an hour and a half. But first I must do my Family History project. Craziness this is. I'm not so concerned about sleep except that Fringe requires a good amount of energy.

After our run through, I went out with Logan, Sylvia, Shelby, and Kevin. It was delightful, and much needed. I've been a bit depressed lately. Partly because of a situation in which my roommate and myself like the same guy, but she totally has him; otherwise, I have no idea why I'm depressed. Maybe because my schoolwork is running away from me. That can be remedied next week.

Scattered thoughts. I'll gather them later.

Betrayal

I am a traitor of Livejournal. Embrace it.

Let me explain my title: tragic heroes are characters of high standing who fall because of their tragic flaws or mistakes. They (and the audience) realize that they will fail in their quest, but they are so driven that they strive for their objective anyway, only to be met by fate and fall. I am a tragic hero as an actor, pursuing my quest although I know that I will most likely fail. I will most likely never succeed and be able to live on my love of the arts. But I put all this effort and money into it anyway, because I love it.

And thus begins a more mature record of my life. We'll see how long that maturity lasts, as I am prone to cathartic ranting in my journal.