"I look around and I close my eyes...

Just for a second and begin to cry
And I wonder...
If it could be the same.
It's not a shame."
~I wonder by The Willowz

Something which I find really frustrating about acting is that you can put so much time and effort into monologues, but you can show up to an audition, or a class, and it can look like you blew it off. Such was kind of the case today, though I hope not so dour. I worked really hard on my proficiencies monologues, and was working them for the hour right before my proficiencies. Right before I headed up to F-433, I timed them, though I didn't think I was over. But I was, by 20 seconds! I didn't know what to do. I cut out one line, but didn't think I could cut out anything else. I figured, I've been over before and didn't get cut off, I guess I'll just hope that happens again. But I met Caitlin on my way up there, and she had been cut off halfway through her second monologue. So I went in there, and just thought I'd try putting some urgency into my first piece. Well, despite my hard work, I was totally destracted by the fear that they were going to cut me off, and I wasn't very connected. Yuck yuck yuck. I wish I could rewind time.

I spent the rest of the day hanging out with cousins and Lindsay, which was nice. I really enjoy having family here, though I wish I knew my extended family better. I resolve that my kids will know their aunts, uncles, and cousins better than I know mine. I know, it's going to be crazy difficult, but I hate not knowing my own family.

I have edited this entry, which I really don't like to do, but I feel that it's for the best. Katie sent me a long email addressing problems we have had with each other lately. We had a talk. It was an odd experience. I apologized, she apologized, she thinks we'll be better friends living apart. I don't think so. But it's too late now. Katie will be staying in the ward and I cast myself elsewhere. I think I'll be living with Annike in her English house. Where will that take me? Who knows.

Katie remarked in her email how I get to do what I love--acting--and I thought about that. Yes, I am so blessed to be able to study what I love, but acting is a torturously blissful thing. How often are we truly obtaining what we are reaching for? How often do we get the character that we want, that character which will provide the opportunity to really dig deep and do something amazing? That hasn't happened for me yet. I am constantly yearning and straining and falling short, trying to be happy with accepting what was thrown my way. I get by with working with what I have been given, and trying my best to learn all that I can, and using all that I have learned. It's still a happy existence, but it is not the idealized "you're doing what you love." Acting encompasses so much heartache, and I don't think many people outside of actors realize how difficult it is. The odds are so much against us, but we love the art, and the possibility of truly doing what we love, too much to give up. We are tragic heroes.

"In the end, it all comes down to this."

Tonight was the end of Handing Down the Names. I'm not as ecstatically happy as I thought I'd be. The fact is, that when we started performing, the show got so much more enjoyable. For one thing, I was with the cast a lot more, so we got tighter. I love my cast, and I will really miss not spending so much time with them. Also, while we were on that stage, it was our arena, open for experimentation. I really enjoyed exploring and discovering and figuring out how to keep it fresh every night. Performance was so much better than rehearsal. Bob still came to the show every night and gave us notes after every viewing, but while we were on that stage it was our show. It's amazing how much better, and how different the show was in performance. Most of our rehearsal process really wasn't that productive. It was also very different each night, which was awesome. This last week was especially good. It was still bitterly sweet because I wished I had a bigger part. But I can say that I am proud of my work. And that is so important to me. I couldn't say that for Papa or Enchanted April. I still regret those shows. But I've grown a lot as an actor since them and because of them, and that's the way it should be, I guess. I also still think that I could have gone a leetle bit farther with this show, but I solidly respect what I did. And I didn't let it get tired. The stakes were high every night. Small characters are hard, and I did a good job with them.

Something that I really regret is how few people came to the show. I know that it doesn't seem like a very exciting show when you hear about it, (that's certainly what I thought last semester,) and the poster is not something that would grab a passerby. Our audiences were mostly old people, which is sad. I love this show. I wanted a lot more people to experience it. I can't really say what it is like in production, but I think that I would still enjoy it. Our talkbacks were only positive. Our edjudication was only positive. Steven Dietz was only positive. (Who, by the way, I love. He's so interesting to listen to, and I hope that this wasn't the last time I see him, though that is entirely possible.) What really hurt was how few of my friends came to see it. At first, it was just a couple people, and my Cymbeline cast, which I was a bit upset about. I mean, I go and support all that they're doing, and they couldn't find the time to support me? I made them feel bad about it, though I quickly said "Oh, that's ok." What really got me though was when I came home tonight.

Katie was coming to the show today, the matinee. And out of everyone I know, Sylvia and Katie have listened to the most of my disappointments, frustrations, etc. They were the closest to knowing how hard this whole process was to me, though even they didn't really get it. But after everything that happened, I was ultimately proud of my work, and proud of myself for getting through this. And I really wanted them to see it. Well, Sylvia obviously couldn't make it since she lives out of the state. But I came home tonight and asked Katie why she didn't come say hi after the matinee, and she told me that she hadn't made it. She had been with Ben and Melanie and lost track of time.

That upsets me so much. And I don't know what to do about it. Part of me, the reasonable part I suppose, says that everyone makes stupid mistakes. I make stupid mistakes. But, maybe I shouldn't compare how different people deal with regret over their mistakes.

I know that she feels bad, but I feel that the bottom line of this is that it is not ok. It is not ok to miss one of your best friend's performances. A performance which is the culmination of a crucible of a semester. A performance which is the fruit of an entire semester of labor and emotional turmoil. A performance which has been going on for the last three weeks. Forgiveness seems to be the only option. How do I do that?

I think that usually I forgive very easily if I can see how sorry another person is. But I'm not seeing it right now. It almost seems like Katie has already given up on trying to earn my forgiveness. But we're good friends. Does that mean that she shouldn't have to earn my forgiveness, I should just give it to her? Even if I am deeply hurt? That isn't how I've behaved in the past, when I've been on the other side of the situation, but is that how it should be? I'm reminded of Sense and Sensibility:

"'I am not wishing him too much good,' said Marianne at last with a sigh, 'when I wish his secret reflection may be no more unpleasant than my own. He will suffer enough in them.'
'Do you compare your conduct with his?'
'No. I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it with yours.'"

But I don't know what it ought to be.

"I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection."

Aaah, the last week of "Handing Down the Names", and the last full week of school. In a month from now, I will be in England. But how I wish it were today. The show has gotten some really good responses. Our Talk Back session last week offered some amazing compliments, and someone even said they thought I was really an old woman! I still absolutely do not want to go through this week of performance, but I really do enjoy the time with my cast.

Not much news really. I still don't know where I'm going to live next year, but I think that for summer I'll just stay in Lindsay's place. I finally decided last week to go ahead and move out of my ward, but by that time the apartment below Lindsay's was all taken. Of course. If I get access to the car anytime soon, maybe I'll go knocking on doors.

I was cast in Macbeth at the Castle, which is exciting. Barta's going to direct it, so I think I will finally have a play experience I will really like, huzzah! The cast will be fun too, it includes several friends. It's a relief, because even if I'll be living in a place where I don't know anyone, I will have those rehearsals at which I will have access to friendship. I'm Witch 2, which I hope will be great fun. Barta seemed to say that we'd be influencing things in the background a lot, which I really hope. Having to spend a lot of time backstage is no fun. I wish I could know what Barta was thinking sometimes...

One of the reasons why I can't wait to go to England, is that I feel like once I'm there I will have a two-month respite of not having to worry or really think about boys, dating, etc. For one thing, dating is not allowed. For another, there is so much to do and absorb there. There's a boy in the ward which I was attempting to flirt with, and he came over last night, but asked Katie on a date. Fabulous. Yet again, Laura's rejected while her friends are courted. It's not a big deal in itself, it's just another little blow on an already bruised sensibility. He called me this morning, but only to ask if Katie had seen my play yet. I'm assuming he'll be asking her to that.

When it comes right down to it, I am really lonely. And I do a lot to not think about it, to distract myself and pretend that everything's fine. But I can't really escape the core truth.

Nevertheless, as distractions go, London will be a nice one.