"In the end, it all comes down to this."

Tonight was the end of Handing Down the Names. I'm not as ecstatically happy as I thought I'd be. The fact is, that when we started performing, the show got so much more enjoyable. For one thing, I was with the cast a lot more, so we got tighter. I love my cast, and I will really miss not spending so much time with them. Also, while we were on that stage, it was our arena, open for experimentation. I really enjoyed exploring and discovering and figuring out how to keep it fresh every night. Performance was so much better than rehearsal. Bob still came to the show every night and gave us notes after every viewing, but while we were on that stage it was our show. It's amazing how much better, and how different the show was in performance. Most of our rehearsal process really wasn't that productive. It was also very different each night, which was awesome. This last week was especially good. It was still bitterly sweet because I wished I had a bigger part. But I can say that I am proud of my work. And that is so important to me. I couldn't say that for Papa or Enchanted April. I still regret those shows. But I've grown a lot as an actor since them and because of them, and that's the way it should be, I guess. I also still think that I could have gone a leetle bit farther with this show, but I solidly respect what I did. And I didn't let it get tired. The stakes were high every night. Small characters are hard, and I did a good job with them.

Something that I really regret is how few people came to the show. I know that it doesn't seem like a very exciting show when you hear about it, (that's certainly what I thought last semester,) and the poster is not something that would grab a passerby. Our audiences were mostly old people, which is sad. I love this show. I wanted a lot more people to experience it. I can't really say what it is like in production, but I think that I would still enjoy it. Our talkbacks were only positive. Our edjudication was only positive. Steven Dietz was only positive. (Who, by the way, I love. He's so interesting to listen to, and I hope that this wasn't the last time I see him, though that is entirely possible.) What really hurt was how few of my friends came to see it. At first, it was just a couple people, and my Cymbeline cast, which I was a bit upset about. I mean, I go and support all that they're doing, and they couldn't find the time to support me? I made them feel bad about it, though I quickly said "Oh, that's ok." What really got me though was when I came home tonight.

Katie was coming to the show today, the matinee. And out of everyone I know, Sylvia and Katie have listened to the most of my disappointments, frustrations, etc. They were the closest to knowing how hard this whole process was to me, though even they didn't really get it. But after everything that happened, I was ultimately proud of my work, and proud of myself for getting through this. And I really wanted them to see it. Well, Sylvia obviously couldn't make it since she lives out of the state. But I came home tonight and asked Katie why she didn't come say hi after the matinee, and she told me that she hadn't made it. She had been with Ben and Melanie and lost track of time.

That upsets me so much. And I don't know what to do about it. Part of me, the reasonable part I suppose, says that everyone makes stupid mistakes. I make stupid mistakes. But, maybe I shouldn't compare how different people deal with regret over their mistakes.

I know that she feels bad, but I feel that the bottom line of this is that it is not ok. It is not ok to miss one of your best friend's performances. A performance which is the culmination of a crucible of a semester. A performance which is the fruit of an entire semester of labor and emotional turmoil. A performance which has been going on for the last three weeks. Forgiveness seems to be the only option. How do I do that?

I think that usually I forgive very easily if I can see how sorry another person is. But I'm not seeing it right now. It almost seems like Katie has already given up on trying to earn my forgiveness. But we're good friends. Does that mean that she shouldn't have to earn my forgiveness, I should just give it to her? Even if I am deeply hurt? That isn't how I've behaved in the past, when I've been on the other side of the situation, but is that how it should be? I'm reminded of Sense and Sensibility:

"'I am not wishing him too much good,' said Marianne at last with a sigh, 'when I wish his secret reflection may be no more unpleasant than my own. He will suffer enough in them.'
'Do you compare your conduct with his?'
'No. I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it with yours.'"

But I don't know what it ought to be.