"I look around and I close my eyes...

Just for a second and begin to cry
And I wonder...
If it could be the same.
It's not a shame."
~I wonder by The Willowz

Something which I find really frustrating about acting is that you can put so much time and effort into monologues, but you can show up to an audition, or a class, and it can look like you blew it off. Such was kind of the case today, though I hope not so dour. I worked really hard on my proficiencies monologues, and was working them for the hour right before my proficiencies. Right before I headed up to F-433, I timed them, though I didn't think I was over. But I was, by 20 seconds! I didn't know what to do. I cut out one line, but didn't think I could cut out anything else. I figured, I've been over before and didn't get cut off, I guess I'll just hope that happens again. But I met Caitlin on my way up there, and she had been cut off halfway through her second monologue. So I went in there, and just thought I'd try putting some urgency into my first piece. Well, despite my hard work, I was totally destracted by the fear that they were going to cut me off, and I wasn't very connected. Yuck yuck yuck. I wish I could rewind time.

I spent the rest of the day hanging out with cousins and Lindsay, which was nice. I really enjoy having family here, though I wish I knew my extended family better. I resolve that my kids will know their aunts, uncles, and cousins better than I know mine. I know, it's going to be crazy difficult, but I hate not knowing my own family.

I have edited this entry, which I really don't like to do, but I feel that it's for the best. Katie sent me a long email addressing problems we have had with each other lately. We had a talk. It was an odd experience. I apologized, she apologized, she thinks we'll be better friends living apart. I don't think so. But it's too late now. Katie will be staying in the ward and I cast myself elsewhere. I think I'll be living with Annike in her English house. Where will that take me? Who knows.

Katie remarked in her email how I get to do what I love--acting--and I thought about that. Yes, I am so blessed to be able to study what I love, but acting is a torturously blissful thing. How often are we truly obtaining what we are reaching for? How often do we get the character that we want, that character which will provide the opportunity to really dig deep and do something amazing? That hasn't happened for me yet. I am constantly yearning and straining and falling short, trying to be happy with accepting what was thrown my way. I get by with working with what I have been given, and trying my best to learn all that I can, and using all that I have learned. It's still a happy existence, but it is not the idealized "you're doing what you love." Acting encompasses so much heartache, and I don't think many people outside of actors realize how difficult it is. The odds are so much against us, but we love the art, and the possibility of truly doing what we love, too much to give up. We are tragic heroes.