I'm off on a rocket ship prepared for something new

I'm off on a rocket ship ecstatic with the view
I am scared of the things that are coming
And I want for the things I don't have
Cannot stand to be one of many
I'm not what they are
Guster's "Rocket Ship"

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I am sitting in my aunt's hammock outside of her house typing because I don't know what the hell to do with my life.

I also hear a steady meowing coming from the inside of the house and I am sure it's got to be disturbing somebody.

I love hammocks. They are good for the body, soul, and mind.

So I thought I had a plan. And I thought the plan was good. I felt good about it, it seemed to make sense with my life goals. I prayed about it a lot, felt good about it in that way. And now, for a good few days now, I am thrown into conflicted turmoil. Seriously. I thought before, "well I prayed about it and felt like this is what I'm supposed to do so as long as I do everything I can, something will work out." It's not. The thought of moving to Seattle is Terrifying. I will have no friends and be completely alone. Can we say depressing? Yes, I love the city, but it's not like I'll be living downtown when I move there. If only. Still, it's the best choice for moving my career/life along.

I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack any time now.

I've been scouring Craigslist every day looking for something which may work since the LDS route did not come to my aid. I found this place which I think may be all female. It's in West Seattle, so it's a little bit off the beaten track, but it's a month-to-month lease, meaning I could look for something better while I'm there. Sounds pretty good. So why haven't I called? I don't know. What's wrong with me? Am I just scared of leaving? I don't think so. I think if I could find a good LDS place I'd be sold on it instantly. And I know I can't stay, I wouldn't want to stay, it wouldn't be the same and I don't like half the people in Utah. So what's stopping me? I know God's not going to find me a place to live without my making an effort, so this is me making an effort and I'm stopping myself. Some may think I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like there's a reason I'm not calling this place. I just don't know what it signifies.

I think life would be so much better if I was doing this WITH someone.

Some options:
1) I go home. This is a good idea because I have no money. I could save up so that I could be truly independent. This is by far the easiest choice (though how lame is it to do something just because it's the easiest?). Some may say the most responsible. I don't want to do this because I think I'd be depressed. I wouldn't have any friends there so I'd be constantly doing things by myself, I would also not be pursuing my career which would make me feel stagnant. People will look at my resume and be like, Why haven't you been doing anything for the last year? That's a problem (really, people look at things like that, they want to see steady work). I wouldn't have any acting opportunities, that's a big con to this plan. I also feel that going home would be detrimental to my relationship with my parents, as sad as that may be. Please, if either of you are reading this, don't be offended. I can't live with most of the people I love the most. Also, it would be detrimental to my church relationship because I feel like my mom would have the hawks eye on me, be checking up on me all the time, etc. I know, many of you may be rolling your eyes at this but I have a stupid, adolescent streak of "if you tell me I have to do this I will not/won't want to do it." Stupid but true. Right now, church just needs to be my thing and no one else's. So the acting, parents, church things are really big, important cons. But going home would still be the easiest. The luxury of not paying for my food or board sounds like a dream. Until I think about the cons.

2) I go to Seattle. I might be miserable living wherever I am, but I could eventually move. I will be miserable because I will only have one friend up there. I will eventually find new friends, but for the first while life will really suck. It will be really hard for me. But I will be striking out on a path which I think will be helping my career along, as slowly as it may be. I don't have a job there, but I could find one. This option takes a LOT of effort on my part, but I think that in a year from now it will be rewarding. I will be able to have a lot of audition opportunities. While I'm waiting to go to grad school I will be living someplace Gorgeous. I love Seattle, but I feel a lot of anxiety about going there. A LOT. Perhaps that's just because of the living situation, which I've felt here in Provo, and I know that that wasn't a sign I shouldn't be here, I just don't like when I don't know where I'm going to live.

3) I go home and apply for jobs in NYC, at which time I will move to NYC. This idea is a little farfetched, but this may be the best time to take advantage of any advantage I'd have being Catherine's sister. A direct reference from an employee is always a good thing. I think I would enjoy working at the library a lot and I think I'd be good at it. BUT I think if I moved to NYC at this point, I would not be an actor. As I've already decided, I should have an equity card before I make the move to NYC. I do love NY, but it just might not be my time yet. This would be a good In the Meantime plan before I go to grad school, except that I would not be beefing up my audition skills which is what I need to do.

A possibility: I go home, save up for a year, and then go to Europe. Kind of irresponsible, but it's something I could do now when I have no connections tying me down. I love Europe and want to go back so badly.

I am terribly conflicted and am therefore kind of pissy. If God would just tell me what to do, I'd do it. I've already made this decision a couple of times in favor of Seattle, but I cannot deny the anxiety I feel about it. But I don't think I feel GOOD about anything right now, so everything's just a tangled mess of emotion and stress.

And I don't like living in someone else's house. Especially when relations come over and you know you're being slightly rude by staying in your room/out on the hammock but you just don't want to deal with anyone you don't know right now. Polite conversation is amongst my least favorite things in the world.

Sidenote: while I'm backstage during Julius Caesar, I keep imagining different scenarios in which I encounter a rattlesnake. If you heard a rattle, right by you, would you immediately run away, or would you freeze perfectly still? How long would you stay still? Would I be able to pinch the snake's head to get it's teeth out of me if it bit me? I would most likely scream despite the play.

Also, why am I tired ALL THE TIME? I have gotten enough sleep since Wednesday, and I don't DO that much until the show. I should have plenty of energy. I kind of disgust myself.

and let slip the dogs of war

That's my favorite line of Julius Caesar. One of my favorite parts of doing a show at the Castle is seeing these beautiful sunsets as a backdrop for our scenes:







I wish I could get some good shots of the whole show, but of course I am in it, so that's not possible. There were only a couple of points where I could sneak back into the seats to get these. The show is going fine, though our audiences have been rather disappointing so far. But I feel good about what I do, so I really can't ask for much more than that, can I? Casca has this whole backstory and progression which I doubt anyone really catches. But let's just say for a couple of things, that there's a reason why only Mark Antony and myself are wearing the same clothes on the second day in the Senate, I can't eat dinner with Cassia because I have a date with Cinna, I resent being involved in the war as soon as we've killed Caesar but there's nothing I can do about it unless I want to be killed, Cinna pays attention to Lucia which pisses me off, and Brutus is the only honest person I know. He's the real deal. Which is how I end up where I do. Oh drama. I love Casca, and I love her progression throughout the show. There's always something going on with her.

I love Utah sunsets. And I love seeing them from the Castle. Even though it's freaking HOT up there.

Backstage on Saturday, I went to sit down on the ledge by the box office turret. I heard a rustling, looked over, saw a baby rattlesnake! 6 feet away from me! For those who do not know, baby rattlesnakes are more dangerous than adult rattlesnakes because they cannot control how much venom they release. I am a little ashamed to say that I called for the nearest boy. We all stood around, looking at it. It was right by our stageleft entrance, so we needed to do something about it. Someone got near it with a pole and it rattled at us. It moved fast. I was a little scared. I've never seen a rattlesnake before. After a few minutes Rodger parted the crowd to save the day. He took a broomstick out of the turret and, after a few tries successfully flung the rattlesnake over the ledge. I don't know what we would have done without Rodger.

One rattlesnake and one tarantula sighted at the Castle this year. I didn't see either during Macbeth.

I'm staying at my Aunt Susan's house now. I love Aunt Susan, but no matter whose house it is I do not love staying in other people's houses. I constantly feel like I have to creep around. Which I'm sure isn't necessary, I just feel that way. And since Aunt Susan doesn't have wireless, I would love to blog way more than I do, but that won't be happening. My blogs would also, probably, be of better quality. Not just an update on my life.

I can't wait to have my own place again. Unfortunately, who knows when that will be. All the bulletins on the Institute housing list for Seattle are out of date. Fabulous. Really helpful.

I am a photo editor at a picture website company.
Things about my job which I love: I can go in whenever I want. They're way laid back. I can listen to my iPod all day long. I'm doing something that actually has a connection to something I have a passion for.

Things about my job which are no so desirable: I see dead people and it makes me nauseous. I see dead animals (lots of hunting pictures) and it makes me feel nauseous. I see lots of naked children which is awkward. I see LOTS of badly framed pictures and it kind of makes me angry. I would say that 1/10th of the pictures I see are good pictures. Since I listen to my iPod all day, I am THOROUGHLY sick of all the music on there.

I am pretty troubled about my housing situation in Seattle.

Beautiful

But I was SO GLAD Sabra won. She deserved it.

The little foxes

I don't understand why the judges didn't like it, I loved it.

Every day is a moving day

It is ridiculous what I am giving away to D.I. I hate throwing some of this stuff out, but I am being scrupulous since my move to Seattle will be difficult enough without a TON of stuff that I just enjoy sometimes rather than need. I mean, I don't need a ball. I just like to have one around in case I feel like kicking it. Or a strawberry rug, it's been spread on my floor since freshman year, but I don't NEED it, so it's going. I wouldn't say I'm a packrat. I'd just say that I'm a potential scrapbooker, damn good collager, and an actor who feels the need to keep every bit of clothing or accessory because it very well might come in handy one day as a costume piece. I know I've been feeling the wrath of the purger within since I could really use a couple of clothing pieces in Julius Caesar which I threw out a few months ago. Half of my shoes are going, but if I haven't worn it in a year, it's gone no questions asked. I have enough to carry what with a TV, bookcase, chair, plus my many odds and ends. Moving is going to get a lot more difficult once I invest in a bed.

I hate moving. I kind of really like the purging part, but the uprooting part sucks. I hate feeling like I don't have a home, where I belong no matter what. MY space. I don't think I'll have that again til I get to Seattle. Ug.

It's Thursday. I'm supposed to be out on Saturday. Whereto? I am not at all sure. Lots of rehearsal time and work time come between me and being prepared to move somewhere on Saturday. I'm feeling a little stressed. And by a little I mean immensely.

Another of my favorites from last week.

One of my favorites from last week.

Since graduation I've been expecting realization to finally hit me. It's kind of starting to. Tonight we had a little going away party for Slate and as we were leaving, I was totally nonplussed. I remember at the end of my last summer in Pittsford how we all knew that we were going to go off and change and things wouldn't be the same, going to college was this momentous thing and there were plenty of tears; but I think that right now I kind of am thinking they're going to be the same. I can't believe they won't be, so I'm fine. I think I'm going to see Slate next week, as usual. Probably because I'm still here in Provo. Things are starting to hit me, but I'm expecting a real crash when I get to Seattle and realize that my support system of friends is now dispersed across the country. As soon as Slate was gone I remembered that I wouldn't be seeing him again. Possibly for years. And it seems so weird, he's always been here. I mean, he hasn't, that's a silly thing to say, he got to BYU a couple of years after I did. I don't know. I guess he's been very much a part of my life the past year so that's why it's really weird. Even though we've been good friends for a relatively short period of time, he's gotten deeper than a lot of people. Which maybe wasn't always a good thing. But he's one of those friends I depend on. I really can't imagine my life without a certain number of people in it. Physically. Seeing them and interacting with them-- however small that interaction may be-- every few days or so.

I have these little flashes of realization, and then I submerge back into normal happy life. Kind of a fake fantasy. Though it's not like I should mope around, changes happen.

It's getting to be back to school time again and I'm getting a little depressed-- a little jealous of the students I see around me buying school supplies and back-to-school clothes. I'm jealous that they still have college time and that I don't get any more.

I don't like change. I think I'm going to fall apart a little when I get to Seattle. I really don't like change. This is part of the reason why a husband would be such a nice thing to have! He would always be with me.

I don't like not having my friends about me. And I don't want to make new friends. I'm happy with the ones I have and I don't want to make any more. Not to mention that it took me a few years at BYU to get really firm friends, friends who have gotten past the skin.

I don't like this. And I don't like what it forebodes. I think there are going to be some hard times. I've made it this far so well, but the time is coming. I think this summer has been a really nice respite.

How do we so calmly and casually say goodbye to someone we may not see for years? Possibly for the rest our lives? But what else can you do? A hug, a couple of words, that is all that signifies the end. No climax, no mounting music, no meaningful speeches. It happens so fast. I'm left thinking there must be more. But all there is is Goodbye. Good luck. I love you.

Series of the summer

Last summer was Sex and the City and Six Feet Under. This summer I started watching The West Wing for actor research and now I'm hooked. Julius Caesar is contemporary and I know very little about anything remotely political, so I thought watching The West Wing would give me a much better feeling of atmosphere, attitude, costume, business, etc. I watched the pilot and understood maybe 90% of what was going on. A few days later I gave it a second chance and now I am absolutely hooked. I can't stop watching! Unfortunately my roommate has seasons 2 and 3, so there's not much stopping me from watching episode after episode. And it's been great actor research material. And the writing is Great.