"People always say you should be yourself...

...like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough." ~Angela Chase (My So-Called Life)

Life is good. I'm pretty concerned about fitting in "Bus Stop" stuff as well as "A Generation Raised in Propriety" stuff. They kind of cancel each other out. But I think things will work out. We're going to rehearse on Mondays for "Generation" which is good. I quit my job because I realized it was madness to even attempt to do my two shows plus work and a job. But now I truly am moneyless, which is a concern.

Today I had to to my 2nd preview in Acting Classics for "All's Well that Ends Well" as well as my final performance of "Comedy of Errors". I was a little worried. But I think it turned out ok. My comedic scene certainly seemed to, and I didn't horribly humiliate myself with the 'tragic' one.

There really isn't that much news to record. Just that things with Katie are much better now, my theatre group of friends is going to start doing FHE on sunday nights, I continue on with schoolwork, and I saw "Garden State" for a third time on Saturday. It made me cry again. It just connects. It was so autumnal today. I woke to the sounds of pouring rain and swished up the hill, lugging my abnormal amount of stuff for the day, with my mittens curled around the handle of my umbrella. It was a cocoa day.

Love.

Will you know you've been deceived?

My words confuse you
My eyes don’t move a blink
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

Honest is easy
Fiction is where genius lies
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

~"Demon" by Guster

This song is so in sync with my life right now. I feel rather dramatic. But it's true. Things are a little strained, but it's because of me. I have problems, which I need to leave behind. I just don't want to have to be the one. I'm definitely behaving the demon right now. It must be difficult on her part too. At least she's getting what we both want though. I just have to continue without, as always.

Today pretty much sucks, but only because of my emotional submission. I pretty much just have to suck it up, and realize how great my life is right now. I have awesome friends who care about me, I'm taking awesome classes, I have a means of earning money, and I'm in a show. All great things.

Nevertheless, Guster's 'Goldfly' is the music of choice today. My angry, frustrated music. What would I do without you? I think my new cd of Rachael Yamagata would lead me to tears. I would prefer to stay with angry.

Love is all around.

I slept preposterously late today, which was heavenly. Guilt-inducing though. I did a leetle bit of homework, then grocery shopping with Sylvia (I have so much food!) and went to Morag and Kyle's birthday party, which was way fun.

A couple of weeks ago we went to the birthday party of Kimmy, whom I don't really know. She's in the TMA department, and apparently casts a lot of the films which come out of it. Logan and Sylvia know her, which is why I was there. But it was at her house, and we walked around it, and I looooved it. I have this great feeling about it, and I feel like I need to live there. I just keep thinking about it, randomly. So, Kimmy was at the party tonight for a bit, and I just asked her about next year, and she offered me her room. It is apparently the best room in the house, but I'll only get it if I live there for Spring and Summer as well. That's the only downfall, you see. I'm hopefully going to be in London in the Spring, and Lindsay had said I could just live at her place in the summer since she's going to have to pay for it anyway, but would be at home for summer. Thus making my living conditions in Provo free. But maybe it will just be worth it. And I would have someplace to stash all of my stuff. I want to go see this room.

We played a game tonight called Bad Poetry, akin to our poetry game of bygone days in cafes. For a short period of time, we all just write, and then we switch poems, read them, and we have to figure out who wrote them. After a couple times of this, we decided to write poems about everyone who was there. The name I drew was Logan, and I totally could have written a better poem about him, but it was a short time, ah well. Gabe wrote mine. He is Morag's fiance, and we really don't know each other well at all. But he was involved in Fringe and we've both been hanging out simultaneously at Logan and Kevin's a couple times. I love the poem he wrote about me though:

innocent glass reflecting the
secrets, the ones that nobody
know. Safe in the bright a
happy halloween tonight and
time that reflect my passion.
Wait.
Think and ponder.
What is real, and what is not.
Love is all around.

I love hanging out with this group of people. And I'm opening up about things really easily. They're totally safe.

I love it.

Friday night exhaustion

I think it's depressing that I can't enjoy my friday nights as I used to, because now I'm so tired. As I left Acting Classics yesterday, I was struggling to hold back yawns and keep my eyes open. Once we got to the mall I was better, especially when I got my ears pierced on an impulse. I had thought of it yesterday in Vocal Technique, and Sylvia was totally behind it, so we went to the mall and got it done. I have little stars in my ears now, which must remain for six weeks. Then I can start having fun with dangly earrings etc. We also examined many shoes, went to Wal-Mart to get some betta fish as birhday presents, and bought a couple of cds at Media Play. Sylvia now has Rachael Yamagata, and I have the new Badly Drawn Boy which we can burn and trade. Then we went to a bachelorette party, at which I of course fell asleep. I'm sure I wasn't very interesting to be around because most of the time I was half-asleep on my feet. But I slept very very late today, so tonight I can have some good fun at Kyle and Morag's birthday party. Huzzah.

I should be paying attention to General Conference.

A Generation Raised in Propriety

Yesterday we had a readthrough of a revised edition of Morag's script, though the 'we' only included a few people from the cast. I really like the new stuff, which is mostly in the end. Morag will probably revise the final moment again, but the main event which is changed will be the same. I love this show, and am really grateful to be in it. Apparently we'll be performing at the PAC again, but I hope we can get some better lights, for the sake of the scene changes. The Nelke would be better but we're not allowed to charge there or ask for donations.

Yesterday I had returned home from work only to fall asleep for longer than the hour I had alotted myself. I didn't miss Yoga though, thankfully, I just didn't have time to do the work I was going to in the morning. After classes I ate dinner with Sylvia and grabbed a book from the library. I then went to the readthrough, then went straight to visit teaching Angela. Angela is the Relief Society president in my ward, and an art major. She's a really cool person, and we seem to understand each other really well. After giving her the lesson, I asked to see some of her art, and was pleased to see a lot of stuff I really liked. She had warned me that her stuff was a little unconventional, stuff that most people perhaps wouldn't like. I loved it though, especially her ceramic self-portrait and one of her pieces from a Band-Aid series she did last year. It was kind of eerie actually because this one piece reflected the character of Marie (from "A Generation...") so perfectly. Marie is the character I'm playing; she's 10-12 years old, and is a gentle and loving person who is really imaginative, but is beaten by her father. She has this idea in the play about what she wants to happen to us after we die; she wants us to come out of our dark boxes with colorful wings, like butterflies, and be angels with beautiful wings, shaking our dust onto people on earth who need a little extra help. The butterfly motif runs throughout the play. Angela's piece was beautiful to look at, and about healing and carrying others' burdens; on the bottom is said something about angels and butterfly wings-- something that totally matched Marie's idea in the play.

Angela also told me this story. She includes a butterfly in almost everything she does because they symbolize so much for her. She told me a story about this artwork that she saw in China. In the corner was a tiny butterfly, and she asked the artist why the butterfly was so small. He said that she had noticed the most important part of the painting, and that there was an ancient legend regarding butterflies. Once there was a princess who was in love with a peasant. She of course was not allowed to marry this man, and when her father discovered that she loved the peasant, he was sentenced to death by being buried alive. The princess could not bear this, and so secretly got into the coffin with her loved one. They lay one on top of the other and died together. Legend has it that when their spirits emerged from their bodies and rose towards heaven, they were linked together, like a butterfly, each one being one side of the wings. And so the princess and her love could be one being for the rest of eternity. Angela loves this symbol, and also uses it a lot when she creates artwork about her relationship with Heavenly Father, because she wants to be one with him as well.

It was an experience so randomly beautiful, which connected so well with my character. I loved it.

Straight from visiting teaching I went to the "Bus Stop" runthrough, which was very enjoyable. I really like the show and am really glad I'm doing my 360 on this one, since I like most of the people involved. We went to Logan's house, and didn't leave til 12:30. I am so undisciplined. I realize this, but do nothing to change it, because nights are like my favorite time of day and I don't like to miss them. Stupid job. I wish I had a benefactor.

As Zach says, Peace and love.

Which perhaps we can in some degree achieve if Bush is not president again.