"The Automat" by Edward Hopper. I saw this picture at the Tate Modern last summer, and it is the only work of art which has just made me cry on the spot. In a lot of ways, this picture illustrates what this semester is to me. 

The Waltz

I just watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset: very enjoyable.

For memory's sake if I get to Paris this spring:
Le Pure Cafe
14 Rue Jean Macé
75011 Paris

You take the metro to the Charonne station in the 11eme arrondissement and Rue Jean Mace is just around the corner from there.

"If you ever feel neglected..."

Yesterday, Chris demeaned my way of life, and basically told me that everything I'm working towards with my theatrical aspirations, is worthless. He apparently has no respect for the choices I have made with my life, and deems his life far more important. It really hurt me, which I told him. But will he apologize? Of course not. Christopher is always right. I'm waiting for an apology I will never hear. I know that Chris and I are as different as two people could be, but it always hurts more from family for some reason.

Then tonight I went to see Katie's "The Rainmaker", which turned out to be much better than I expected. She has come a long way from 124, and has obviously worked really hard on this production. I'm so proud of her. The show is really good in itself, I totally relate to Lizzie, the protagonist. If only I will be able to find love. It looks so doubtful.

I allowed myself to like this guy. And, through conversation, I discovered that he liked someone else. Being the stupid person that I am, I encouraged him to date this other girl. I of course couldn't be too obvious that I liked him. Tonight he was giddy about the time he spent with her last night, a kiss she gave him on the cheek, the fact that she came tonight, and that they were going to hang out later. I pasted a deceiving smile on my face and expressed how great that was for him. He was so happy about it, and admitted how sappy he was, and I wished with my entire being that he was behaving that way because of me. I guess I'm a tragic hero in the world of love as well. I am such a romantic, and want to be in love so badly. I dream about it, long for it, cry about it. But I am doomed never to get it.

I dedicate this song to myself, and realize that this is the second demon-related song I have posted:

"Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay

If you ever feel neglected,
If you ever think all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost,
Everything's not lost.

When I'm counting up my demons,
There's always one for everyday,
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

If you ever feel neglected,
If you think all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought it was over,
You could feel it all around,
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

'Cause if you ever feel neglected,
If you think that all is lost,
I'll be counting all the demons, yeah,
Singing out yeah,
Everything's not lost...



I also long to be in London at this very moment. So desperately. I've been reading Jenna's blog, which has spurred this desperate desire. I've never been so unhappy for so long. I feel like running away to Europe could solve all my problems. For a little while at least.

"Some girls, they have natural ease..."

I am one of the most awkward people I know around guys. Why must I live with this curse? Why can't I at least just be myself around guys, even if I still can't flirt? I ask myself how I will ever actually start dating someone if I can't behave normally around him. So many questions, doubts, and ultimatums have been pressing on my mind and constricting my spirit lately. And I can't even blame society. Sure, you could say that these questions spring from the structure our American/Mormon culture has placed on my ideas of how my life should be. But I honestly think that I would think these same things if I were oblivious of the way my life is "supposed" to be going. Love is such a natural and ultimate need. I desperately call out for help. I know I'll get it because I have to to hope to get it. But it most likely won't be in the form I desire.

There are many challenges and trials which people have to deal with in life. But if I weren't living it, I wouldn't imagine how debilitating the lack of social skills could be.

Je souhaite que j'aie de l'amour. En français, toutes les choses sont plus dramatiques.

Du Paix et de l'Amour pour tout le monde.

Officially an Adult

I'm old. And feeling unusually lonely. Which perhaps may be occurring due to the unusual imminence of Valentine's Day, or the copious amounts of Gilmore Girls, season 1 which I've been voratiously watching.

My birthday has definitely turned out better than I expected. Amy, Travis, and Luke drove into town just to come to my birthday dinner, despite snow on the mountains, which was really nice. It meant a lot to me. I received unexpected gifts, received many birthday salutations, and found that one of my dreams has come true: there's a cafe in Provo which has the right atmosphere + decaffeinated products for Laura to buy in large amounts. A haven in the conservative environs of Utah.

I experienced my first blind date, which wasn't great, but it wasn't intolerably horrible either.

And now I must go plunge myself into additional Valentine's celebrations. I can't wait for the day when Valentine's means more than an optimistic, trying to distance my loneliness, let's celebrate love in general day.

I hope this next year treats me well.

Down with love, the root of all midnight blues...

Usually I love Valentine's Day, the celebration of love, with only a hint of longing for a love of my own. This year, Valentine's is treating me kind of harshly-- sad. But, as I say every year, maybe by next year...

As procrastination has reared its ugly head yet again today, I'll yield to its niggling ways. I have a D&C paper due, a simple one, applying the D&C to my major. So why do I leave it until 12:30? I don't know. But I'm tired of this semester. I need to strike out, pounce on something new and exciting. Nothing exactly presents itself. I stooped to joining one of those websites which people use to find other lonely people, looking for dates, or sometimes just friends. It was amusing for a while, but the desired quality here is someone I can actually see and touch.

At least I'm not feeling extremely depressed anymore. Just bored and slightly unsatisfied with my present life. The tv has been turned on far too often lately. I'm not even that excited about my birthday, which is very unusual. I am excited to find a house to live in for next year. I hope Katie likes the one I have in mind.

I'm going on my first blind date this weekend. I'm apprehensive.

Like a skein of loose silk blown against a wall...

She walks by the railing of a path in Kensington Gardens,
And she is dying piece-meal
of a sort of emotional anemia.
. . .
In her is the end of breeding.
Her boredom is exquisite and excessive.
She would like some one to speak to her,
And is almost afraid that I
will commit that indiscretion.

--Ezra Pound, from "The Garden"


This weeked I got food poisoning, which was horrible. But you know you're really an actor when you go through something awful, and while you're vomiting you're thinking "Remember how this feels, I can use it!" I am now quite a bit behind on my schoolwork, which is not pleasant.

Stephen Dietz came to rehearsal tonight, which I was a bit worried about. But he was really nice, and gave us some really great comments which the cast, and crew, really needed to hear. A couple of my favorites: "These people aren't living in a moment in history-- they're living." "I've written a lot of closures into this play, which was my mistake. But in life, people don't have closures, they just keep moving on." That second one was paraphrased quite a bit.

Chris Clark read my palm today, which was quite interesting. Here's what he read: I had a pretty happy childhood, until about 10 or 11, at which time, something happened which caused me to split myself into two. I'm still that way, and will continue that way until about 25, at which time something else big will happen. It's not necessarily something bad, perhaps it's the birth of a child. I've already met the man I'm going to marry. (what?!) And I'll get married in a few years. I'll have two kids (a bit surprising...) Education is very important to me, and I will get my Masters degree. When I'm 40, someone close to me will die, though it won't be a child or my husband-- perhaps a parent. It's important to me to be taken seriously, I'm concerned about Global issues like hunger, war, etc. I have a mean streak, though I hide it. I will have one main profession, probably motherhood, and I will feel fulfilled by it. I will have something on the side though, which could be acting. I will die at about 75, and I'm going to go crazy. My husband won't die (meaning he'll be here at the 2nd Coming).

In what I can tell presently, it seems pretty accurate. Crazy. But if I really have met the man I'm going ot marry, what is the holdup? Chris learned how to read palms on his mission, he knocked on the door of an old gypsy woman who taught him and his companion after they taught her the first discussion, though she wasn't interested in joining the church.

Tomorrow: big catchup day. D&C, fail me now.