Slings and arrows

Is it wrong to still have a hard time hearing people talk about Hamlet? Seriously, every night my two roommates come home from the show and talk about it and talk about it and I cannot stay in the same room for longer than five or ten minutes into the conversation because it is too painful. I cannot express how much I wanted to be in this show. I don't think you can imagine how many different factors combined to create this incredibly intense yearning to be a part of this particular production of Hamlet, a show which I love so much on its own. It is Hard to not be in it. So hard. And I worked so hard to get in it. And I hear so much about it, so much about the entire process. Almost the entire cast is made up of my friends and when you're in a show, that takes up so much of your life, of course you talk about it all the time. I also T.A. for the director, I hear other theater people discussing the show, I hear them running the awesome music every day while I do my homework in the Pardoe lobby... I am constantly surrounded by reminders. It's just hard. And I feel like I can't express how painful it is for me to people because it makes them feel bad or awkward or annoyed and I certainly don't want to put everyone else out because I have emotional problems. Yes, I think people could be more considerate. But no, I don't think people generally feel as keenly as I do about it so they don't get it. It is raw. I am dreading seeing the show. And I mean dreading. I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure it is going to be damn hard to watch it. I wanted to get it over with next week but I can't because they're not having a show on Saturday due to general conference and I have Proof rehearsal every other night. Honestly, I needed to call upon my emotional support system, that is how much I can't do this by myself. And I have to wait til closing night. And I cannot tell you how relieved I will be when it is over.

I also wish I'd never told someone I liked them. I was so afraid I was going to regret that.

And, if you're accustomed to living expecting people to not love you, how do you change that?