Love land here I come.

Months ago I got a brochure in the mail from the National Theatre Conservatory, advertising for their Summer Intensive Workshop. I imagine they send these to everyone who auditioned for their MFA program in February. At the same time, I heard something about the Fulton Grant application deadline coming up. Well, I dedided to apply for both, basically for the heck of it. I didn't expect to get positive responses from either. But I was probably feeling low about all of my graduate school rejections and I wanted to keep possibilities open. During graduation week I heard that I'd gotten the grant. Almost all of what I'd asked for, actually. Last time I got a grant they gave me a smidgeon of what I'd asked for, so I was very flattered to be given so much. I would certainly not have been able to do the workshop without the grant covering all of it. But I had yet to hear from NTC, and I wasn't expecting a positive. Of course, I probably always say this, setting myself up for failure, because I don't want to get my hopes up. That happens all too often with auditions.

Well, my Thursday night in NYC I returned back to the hostel before anyone else after spending a night with my sisters. I used the alone time to unwind, check blogs and emails... and there was the letter from NTC in my inbox. I was elated. I've had a lot of rejections, and not many acceptances, and it was a great feeling. I felt like squealing with glee. But there was no one there to share it with, so I smiled to myself. It has been really nice to be able to tell people my good news for once, and the title of the National Theatre Conservatory sounds impressive so even if people have no idea what it is, they're impressed.

The program is one month, 9-5 every week day. It is taught by the National Theatre Conservatory faculty, and you're encouraged to attend if you're interested in the MFA program there, which I am. The curriculum includes classes in the following: Acting, Audition Techniques, Dance (mrrr), Film and Television Technique, Movement, Improvisation, Shakespeare, Singing, Speech, Stage Combat, Commercial Voice Over, Yoga, and Trapeze (yikes).

All that I know specifically is that I have to have the four main Chekhov plays read and have two monologues, one in classical verse and one contemporary, prepared for the first day of class.

So I returned to Provo and had to turn down my dreamy job at Heritage since I'd be gone for the whole month of June. Very sad. I found some temp work for the few weeks I've been here, and my have those weeks flown by. Suddenly it's the week of my departure, and I am terrified. I'm sure there's excitement somewhere inside me, but all I can feel right now is nerves. I'm hoping they'll lessen as soon as I am there and am meeting people; then the whole situation will be personalized instead of being this big institution looming over me. I'm very very good at freaking myself out. I keep seeing this experience as more of a month-long audition than a learning experience which is the wrong way to think of it. I am freaked out. I couldn't sleep for hours on Sunday night. I was at my friend's house in Midway and after I'd gotten into bed it hit me: I am leaving on Friday. Its not longer in a few weeks, but this week. And I just kept thinking, What have I gotten myself into, I can't do this! I went downstairs and read the Seagull for a while, and then just lay awake.

I'm going way outside of my comfort zone. I'm going to a place I've never been to, to be surrounded by no one that I know, to prove my acting skills to people I desperately want to like me. Of course I'm freaked out. I just have to accept the freaked out feeling and go on to do what I do.

I can do this. I don't beieve it right now but I know that that belief is in me somewhere. It will be great. This program will be great for me, great for my resume, great for my prospects of getting into the NTC for graduate school. I'll learn a lot, make some good contacts, hopefully make some good friends. I'm excited to live in the city. I was going to live with my aunt in Loveland (what a name), but my mom and I decided it would be better to live in Denver. I'm glad, that commute would have been stressful and I think it will be easier to make friends if I'm there in the evenings. But I'll be staying a couple of nights with my aunt and I'm excited to get to know her better.

I just have to forge ahead. I'm sure (hoping) that everything will be better once I'm there. I know it's a good thing. And I know I'm good, I just get freaked out. I just have to pull together the scraps of confidence that I know are somewhere in me.