I am going vegan.

I will be easing my way into it for sure though, it's going to be tough. I mean, this change may take like a year or more to actually make. I have a few days to use up the animal products I already have, and then here goes with soy milk for one. I'll have to visit my local health food store to see what they have. Also, bread is really important to me, so I'm not sure how to deal with that. I obviously have more research to do. And goodbye eating out I guess, except for salads... And protein. I am working on building up my lean muscle, which aids in fat loss, and protein is important for that. So it may take me a while to give up my protein shake. I'll have to see how this all goes, I am sure I have overseen many problems which will appear once I start trying to be vegan. But here's a consideration: sometimes I go to other people's houses for dinner. Amy's house, or somewhere for Thanksgiving or something. And I know that even being a vegetarian I often put people to greater trouble. I don't like putting other people to trouble. So perhaps I'll just be vegetarian when I eat at other people's houses? I don't know, that seems like living a double standard, I just don't want to inconvenience those who are being nice to me.

Just some thoughts

My apartment is a mess. I still haven't unpacked and kara left for a week so I have no one to be clean for but myself. And I don't mind a little untidiness. But cleaning checks are tomorrow, so I get to clean the whole place by myself.

Flirting should not be allowed at the gym. Very uncomfortable.

It's hot here.

Instead of being Calpurnia in Julius Ceasar, I am now Casca, the "it's all greek to me" guy. I feel great about that. First rehearsal is tonight. Good thing, because I've had stuff to do every night this week but tonight, and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Living alone is great so far, except for at night.

I've enjoyed my wee break, but come on now, I need a job. My temp agency is not coming through on this one. And my sleeping schedule is way off.

Another friend from high school is getting married soon. Yikes, I expected BYU friends to get married, but high school friends? That makes me feel weird.

Makes me want to dance.

Sorry about all of those dance videos, I really just put them up there for me so I can watch them over and over again. I love So You Think You Can Dance?. And I really love that first dance I posted. If nothing else, watch that one. Mia Michaels is freaking awesome, and those performers were gorgeous. Since I posted it on here I think I've watched it at least ten times. This show makes me wish I could dance so badly! I really do want to find an afro-cuban dance class to take.

Sidenote: I'm on facebook now, and it took up way too much of my time today, but it's awesome seeing where people from high school are at.

Triplets of Belleville dance

Alright, since I found all those other favorites, I couldn't leave this one out.

the second-best group number

I loved last season.

the best group number.

Georgia On My Mind

Oh that Travis.

season 2 memories

Lex, Christy, and I watched some SYTYCD? tonight and reminisced about last season, which got me thinking... this is another Mia Michaels piece which I loved.

I love this dance.

I saw this dance three weeks ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. Skip to the dance, it's beautiful. I've watched it many times. Thank you, SYTYCD?

Into the West

The last week of the Intensive was Monologue Week. Which made things a lot more relaxing. No scenes to find, no plays to read, recording every detail that may pertain to your character, no rehearsals with your scene partner, no character work-- because I've already done it all. All of my monologues were prepared, which made my life a lot easier.

Monday I did Henry VI for Larry and Jennifer. It went alright, but it needs some work for sure. Jennifer was definitely harder on it than Larry was.

Tuesday I did Summer and Smoke for Larry and Daniel. Larry loved it. He thought I'd played the role before and when I said I hadn't he was surprised and said "well you've definitely done your homework very well. You know her." Also "you know how to turn the poetry of Tennessee Williams into beautiful conversation." He didn't really have anything negative to say, and I felt really really great. Later that day I did it for Daniel, and he was not so complimentary. Daniel scares me. Still. Again, he's the one that auditions us in February so that definitely makes him intimidating. But he knows his stuff, watching him coach other people's monologues that was clear. He's clear, concise, knows what he wants, and most of the time I totally agreed with the changes he made. I hope I responded well to coaching, it was kind of terrifying to be up there, and I felt like crap afterwards, but I at least hope I showed that I take direction.

Wednesday I did Grey's Anatomy for Jennifer and she liked it a lot. She told me she might steal it for someone, which I don't like so much, but it is complimentary.

Thursday I did Grey's Anatomy for Larry, who thought it was great. I felt good about it and decided to use this piece for the showcase. It's fun, doesn't really require much effort, just that I have fun with it.

We also had an audition class with Daniel this week where he told us exactly what we should do, moment to moment, when we audition for him. That's pretty awesome. If only I had that for all the schools.

Viewpoints was also this week. Fun stuff. As with most of the classes, I wish we had more time!

Our last day of Trapeze was this week and someone fell off! It was the very last thing we were doing, and pretty simple. Reggie (who is probably the most muscular guy in the class, and he's been one of the best on trapeze) and I were the last couple to do the swing we were working on, and his hands slipped and he fell, head first to the floor. I think his hair cushioned him, but he couldn't remember how he'd gotten onto the floor. A little scary. Class ended with a bang, but Reggie just had a concussion and was fine the next day.

Our last day of class, I went to the Market to get a muffin for lunch. I have loved the Market. It's delicious and has a lovely atmosphere. If you ever go to Denver, eat here for sure! It's on Larimer Square, easy to find. Bakery and cafe in front, farther in the back, LOTS of choices for real food. Here are a few pictures:





I wasn't nervous for the showcase on Friday afternoon until I got there and sensed everyone else's nerves. I think if Daniel hadn't been there I wouldn't have been nervous. And it turned out I had to go second to last which Sucked! Then I could spend the rest of the showcase just getting more nervous. I wish I could have gone earlier. But it was fun to see the work of the other class, since we've never gotten to see them act.


My class, the Sullivans. The other class is definitely more spastic than we are. They're more musical theatre. Not all of them, and we have crazy moments too, but collectively, they're just crazier than we are. I'm glad I was a Sullivan.

After the showcase (which was in the Jones Theatre, a nice little intimate theatre), they provided champagne for us. We toasted, mingled, and headed home to pack before our festivities of the night. Larry gave everyone a kiss on the cheek, I just love him. I would want to come back to this program just for him.


Here are two especially friends. We all lived by ourselves, so we bonded and spent many nights hanging out together. I got them hooked on SYTYCD? Vanessa on the left, Erin on the right. Vanessa lived right across the hall from me. Everyone who'd gotten drunk on the champagne became sober again in time to head back out to the bars and drink again. Here are Vanessa and Erin with Baby Guinesses. And we're sitting at the bar, for my first time. Other nights at the bar have been around tables, so I insisted we sit at the bar since it was just us. There are some interesting shots out there, this experience included Chocolate Cake shots (you drink it and then bite into a sugared lemon slice and it supposedly tastes like you're biting into chocolate cake, crazy), the Baby Guinnesses, which apparently look like Guinness but taste good, and Red Headed Sluts which have cranberry juice? grapefruit juice? I don't remember. They're pinkish red from something. I've learned a lot about different alcoholic drinks and bar culture during my time here, I've asked many questions. Then, at 10:30, we headed to Mynt. Laurence, who was our Hip Hop teacher, works at this club so he said he would get the couple of underage students in and provide drinks for all. Lucky me. This was the big group party, most of the students were there. It was also my first time clubbing. It was kind of crazy, but more fun than I expected.

And yesterday was the long drive westward. I made it to Amy's before the sun set, which was my goal. I listened to the 6th Harry Potter book the whole way, and missed the watermelon which I'd had on the way there. It was also less pretty. Probably just because I'd seen it before so it wasn't new. But very uneventful, which was great. It took 8 hours to get from my apartment to Amy's house. And despite the long drive, I preferred 8 hours driving to a few hours in the airport/on the plane.

Oh yeah, yesterday morning I drove Amber home, who'd slept over. She lives in a house in a neighborhood of Denver and it was so cute. If I ever move to Denver, I would love to live there. The houses were all different, which is so nice to see after Utah where every house in a neighborhood look exactly the same.

Conclusion: I'm so glad I went. I learned so much and met some awesome people. It was a really different experience than anything else I've done. I love Denver Center, I love the program, I love the teachers. The teachers are so good; they're smart, passionate, great teachers, active in their fields. I especially love Larry and Hillary. I love how they coach pieces, emotion isn't the most important, that will come if you're communicating the words that are given to you and really actively pursuing your objective and playing your actions. The program is so intelligent. And it includes theatre history and theory which I love. I love that trapeze is part of the program. I feel like this program is so well rounded. I feel like the people there are really working to create the kind of theatre here in America and for America that I have seen and loved in London. I loved living and working with the diverse group of people I was with. It was challenging, uncomfortable at times, but I feel like I learned a lot through the experience. And it was really enjoyable to be around such a diverse group of people who had theatre at their heart. I also learned a lot just living outside of Utah for a while. I feel like I have learned so much in the last month not only about acting but about life, myself, and interaction.

I can't wait to write my report for the grant BYU gave me. I recommend this program whole heartedly.

So here's the story from A to Z...

This week was pretty packed with plenty of things to worry and stress about, so I wasn't too worried about Rockstar. It was scheduled for Friday afternoon, and we had choreographed it on Tuesday, reviewing it and tweaking it every day, so we all felt pretty prepared. What I did not have was a costume. Finding a modest costume for a spice girl is kind of difficult, but I accomplished it, thank you Ross, where you can dress for less. No, it wasn't perfect, but my wig helped. It was an awesome wig. Not exactly Scary Spice hair, but it was a huge, impressive 'fro. Pictures will surely be posted, but I forgot my camera and my friend has to email her pictures to me. The hair really attracted all the attention. I also had some camo going on, though no animal print (though there's plenty of it to be found, regrettably). And so sad that my perfect boots were in Provo. I never get to wear them, and here was a great opportunity.

So when I finally had the costume scrapped together by 8:30 Thursday night (at which point a RACED home to catch the last half of SYTYCD?), I was a little surprised to find myself getting nervous. Quite nervous. Now that all of our scenes for the program were over, all I had to focus on was Rockstar.

I was also a might worried about the 'Killer Queen' backup I was doing. I was to be bass guitar, but we'd barely practiced and I didn't think the lead guitarist or drummer knew all the words we were supposed to sing. Our Freddy Mercury had his own performance to work out. I was also just scrapping together a costume from our wee costume closet that we used for Chekhov. What I ended up with really worked, though I sadly have no picture of it. Just some flared jeans, a puffy shirt from the closet, and a military-ish long jacket from the closet. It worked out really well. I didn't wash my hair and poofed it out as much as I could and pushed it into my face. I let my face go totally blank and was just into the music. It was awesome.

What was the most awesome was the audience. As soon as our rock concert started I could tell this was going to be freaking awesome. We loved everyone, no matter who they were or what song they were performing. We totally rocked out to everything given to us and screamed our hearts out for everyone up on the stage. We had a HUGE sound system so I'm sure you could hear the music throughout the building. It was like being at a rock concert where everyone's freaking out because they're so in love with whoever's onstage. It was awesome. And my anxiety was gone. I knew that no matter what I did up there, as long as I was committed, the audience would LOVE me. And they did. The Spice Girls were second to last and we rocked.

Certain roommates would also be very proud of how I danced. Onstage and off. I rocked out the whole time. I think Hip Hop and Afrocuban had given me some confidence. And, I was playing Scary Spice after all. I have watched many YouTube recordings of her performing and she just had a blast when she was onstage. And since I was being her, I had a blast too.

I also saw Daniel in the audience, so that of course just pushed me that much further to have a great time up there. Because really, I think what Denver Center looks for is people who have fun and are committed. Yes, I think I probably look fairly ridiculous when I dance. But all I could do was go for it and be Scary.

The adrenaline was amazing. When we practiced this number, none of us ever got out of breath, but by the end of our performance we were SO out of breath, our hearts were Pounding. It was amazing.

It is the most fun I've had in a long time. I want to do it again. And again. But it would only be so great with the amazing audience. But when will I ever do it again? I haven't done it before, so why would I do it again? Maybe I need to persuade a Christopher Clark to have a Rockstar birthday party later this summer...

No rest for the weary.

So you understand how crazy this week has been: I haven't checked my email since Monday. When I checked it in the library at lunch, saw there was nothing life or death and went to practice my scene with my partner. Now for those of you who have lived with me, you may know that I check my email constantly when I'm at home. And I hardly ever go a whole day without checking it. Only if I'm traveling. And even then, I usually find a way. Such was the busyness of this week. Which is now blessedly over.

Last weekend everyone was freaking out about all of the stuff that was due this week. Where was I? At the Botanic Gardens. Last Friday I took the car out to the movies: Paris, Je T'aime (which wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, but I think shorts just aren't my preferred method of telling a story). So on Saturday I decided to venture a bit farther, and by myself, to the Botanic Gardens. They also fell short of my hopes. But to be fair, I have seen some freaking amazing gardens in my life, and in my opinion, nobody does gardens better than the English. Capability Brown anyone? Chatsworth anyone? Dreamy.

My main problem was that there wasn't anyplace to sit and read. Which is what I wanted. After a week of Denver Center, I'm exhausted on the weekends. The flowers were pretty, but there were so many peeeeople everywhere, and all of the benches were right on the paths. There was no place I could hideaway and feel like I wasn't in someone's way or that people weren't always looking at me. And the Secret Garden? Wasn't secret. Right smack in the middle of everything. What? Speaking of the Secret Garden, that was my soundtrack while I meandered through the gardens, I love that show so much.

After I spent a good long while in the gardens I headed back to the car. And since I was so close to Cherry Creek I decided to head down to the shopping center I'd heard about. And what did I find? A Whole Foods Market. I was in heaven. And quite overwhelmed.



On my way home, I saw this view. The mountains. They beckoned. If I lived here, I'd always want to be going to the mountains.

Sunday was a day of marathon rehearsals. I went from Spice Girls to The Royal Tennenbaums to Proof to Stop Kiss to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

And then Monday began. This week in Scene Study, we were allowed to do contemporary scenes if we wanted. And yes I did. There was one person who just wanted to keep doing her scene from last week, so I filled in and said I would do two scenes this week. I'm glad I did, but it made the hectic week all the more hectic. I performed in my classes every freaking day.

In Extended Character this week were doing a film monologue, a film scene, and Rockstar. My film monologue was from Eternal Sunshine, but it turned out to be too short, so then I did this awesome monologue of Claire Fisher's from Six Feet Under about people who put 'Support Our Troops' stickers on their SUVs. It was awesome. The best thing about doing film stuff is that you're just doing what the actor in the film did, so it actually gives you so much freedom/courage. These weren't my crazy choices (because Claire goes crazy in this scene), I was just doing what someone else did. Then for my film scene I did Margot Tennenbaum from The Royal Tennenbaums, the scene she has with Raleigh. It was awesome. Raccoon eyes for sure.

Scene Study went pretty well this week too. I love Proof, and I played Catherine, who I've wanted to play forever. Someday I will hopefully really play her. I love that play, it's so tight and so well told. I actually feel good about my work in my contemporary scenes which I never did with either of my Chekhov scenes. I also did a scene from Stop Kiss in which I played a lesbian! Goodbye to BYU limitations. No, it was not a hot and heavy lesbian scene, it was actually a really cute scene. And after our first preview (drum roll please) Jennifer said that we did EXCELLENT WORK. I was floored. It made my day. It made my week (well, Rockstar made my week...) But I could not believe it when she said that. I was exuberantly happy.

Trapeze this week killed. It's way fun, but it's way hard, and as we all know. I have rather disproportionate muscles, which doesn't work so well for trapeze. To be honest, it was a little humiliating. But trapeze is BEAUTIFUL. I want to get a personal trainer so that I can take a trapeze class because it's just so gorgeous. It's really cool that they teach it here, I love it. And Bob taught a lot of it this week too, I thought we were just going to get a taste. But the soreness of the musceles? Oh my heavens. And the blisters? I have been sore, blistered, and bruised 90% of the time I've been here.

Starbucks is closing, but I will have to tell you about Rockstar tomorrow because it was the most damn fun I have had in a long time.

meep

After all of the great movies I've seen, you'd think I could come up with an awesome monologue from a film. Especially considering I can be a man. What is wrong with my brain?

An update of my weekend will be coming... another day.

Oh, but we started trapeze today. It's hard. Pretty awesome, but really hard.

Dance like no one's watching?

I love SYTYCD. That number choreographed by Mia last night was GORGEOUS. I could watch it again and again and again.

I try to channel these dancers in my movement classes... I don't think it works.

Feel da rhythm.

I wore pajamas all day today (until I came here to Starbucks) and it was deelightful. Why did I wear pajamas all day, you may ask. No, it's not because I woke up late or enjoy being lazy. It's because we had a movement filled day today. We began with Scene Study, but since I went yesterday, I had today off. (And our instructor finished the class with some encouraging words, which was nice. She's very blunt, but she knows it, and wanted to make sure we were ok with that. I do like her.)

Next, Afro-Cuban Dance! Now I certainly don't shimmy well, and body rolls and pelvic thrusts are also a bit coordinated for my body. But I can feel the rhythm and respond, which is so much of what this is about. And I can feel the earth beneath me feet and give back to the world through my dance. It's still hard, (there was plenty of sweat happening), but I think I'm going to like this even better than hip hop. This dance I can find in myself somewhere. Nola, our instructor, is very... mystical? She's very in tune, I should say.

I'm getting more comfortable with the people here. We're kind of relaxing into each other now. It's nice.

Voice in the afternoon where we incorporate a wee bit of yoga, and then Movement again.

Now, feeling pleasently worn out, I'm in Starbucks while it's raining outside, I love rain. And I love it even more when I'm sitting inside with cocoa. I like how unpredictable, variable, the weather is here. It can be hot and sunny in the morning, and cool and rainy in the afternoon. It makes life interesting, and if you don't like the weather, you don't have to wait long for it to change.

I promised myself I'd go first tomorrow in Extended Character with my monologue, so I better get home and work on it.

I left BYU and found my testimony.

Have you ever seen those t-shirts? I think it's true.

And just so you know, I don't just enjoy taking pictures of myself. In fact I have to be very sneaky about it since I'm always using my computer in public places. But Elizabeth had a fun idea that I always post a picture of myself. I should start being more creative with it though. Here's me in my tie outfit. Catherine was quite surprised when she heard I wore a tie when I was in NYC. It's actually Christopher's tie, maybe I accidentally stole it.

Tonys: Boring. I liked Spring Awakening, and I'm sure The Coast of Utopia is a work of genius, but did they really have to win everything? No. Did they deserve to win everything? No. I feel like the voters were just giving themselves a nice pat on the back for celebrating such a 'subversive' and edgy work and a 9-hour long play which they probably only understood half of. Don't get me wrong, I love Tom Stoppard, and there were certainly many incredible actors involved. But do you ever feel that people just celebrate things that are too intelligent to understand just because they can't understand them? I pretty much think anything Coram Boy was nominated for it should have won (especially Best Director), but it won nothing. The 'previews' for numbers later on, made in character, were awkward. What was that Ugly Betty boy doing there? He confused me. I didn't know who he was and had to text Catherine to clear it up. Curtains looked awful. I really like David Hyde Pierce but I hated that number they did. I still wish I could have seen some of Legally Blonde, I was disappointed they didn't have a number. Someone told me they would. I can't believe Curtains was nominated over that, it seems like such a money-maker. No, that shouldn't reflect in Tony nominations, but it does.

Talking with Susannah yesterday was great. She is so sweet and so friendly. I was kind of amazed when I followed her around church and observed first-hand how friendly she is to Everyone. And it was very encouraging to talk with her about the program. I find myself getting tired, and talking about the program and her hard times with it, then the great things about it really gave me a second (third? fourth?) wind.

And Barta called to check up on me, which was way nice.

So today started with a first showing of our second Chekhov scene. Last night I kind of just felt like, what the hell, whatever I do will be wrong so I'll just have fun with this. Then this morning I was like "what was I thinking?! I should have read the play again and run the scene ten more times!" Well, it turned out alright. There's plenty of work to be done with it, but we just got the scene on Friday so I really don't feel bad about it. We were memorized which is more than everyone can say. And surprisingly enough, our instructor had some positive things to say about it. It was definitely still harsh, but those couple of comments made me feel good.

In Extended Character we were to have our first performances of our monologues. I don't remember if I mentioned, but I decided to do Padraic from "The Lieutenant of Inishmore" by Martin McDonaugh. The cutting off the nipple speech. I was totally memorized and I absolutely should have gone in class today, but I didn't! I'm a little ashamed. I just wanted to work on it a little more before I got up there, but I really should have just gone. Lots of times the more spontaneous you are the better you are. Oh well, I'll go first on Wednesday. And I want to find a razor to play with. I need to get rid of this habit of hanging back til near the end.

We had movement again today, which was great. But sometimes I get really distracted when I should just be focusing on my breathing or something, looking at everyone and thinking how ridiculously odd this would look to my mom if she walked in the door. I mean, at times when everyone is basically writhing on the floor, or we're dancing around the room silently letting our arms be as tense-free as possible. But I love it, and it's good stuff, you know? It would just seem so crazy to some random person who stumbled into the room accidentally.

During Movement, Daniel arrived (dum dum DUUUUUUM!). He was at a workshop last week, so today is the first time we've seen him. He's the head, and the one who auditions. As soon as he entered the room I knew who he was. Every atom in my being knew who he was. And suddenly things turned competitive. Ug, don't you hate that? But it was just instinct, it kicked in so hard. Well, I suppose I shouldn't care if it gives me an extra edge of focus.

Camera today was a good class. It was confusing. It was changing. I still can't believe how flustered a camera makes me. It's so silly. I thought I would be perfectly fine, but as soon as I got up there my giggling started: the sign that I'm self-conscious. What made it slightly worse is that I'd asked this guy to be my partner, and I picked the most attractive guy because my monologue is about how I'm incredibly attracted to him even though I'm saying no, I will not go out with him. On the first day of the program I pretty quickly identified the guy who was most attractive to me (which isn't necessarily the most attractive guy to everyone...) which was just a bad idea. Why did I do that? I should have focused on work. Anyway, the exercise started out where you just sit up there, the class gives you a topic to discuss, and you just talk with the scene partner. What was my topic? Boys. What makes me flustered and self-conscious? Boys. I never talk to boys about boys. That's girl talk. What were they thinking? I was so flustered, it's so silly. He asked me what my type was and I didn't know. Then they asked what I looked for in a husband. What?! What kind of question is that? I don't know, I've barely dated. And sitting across the table from me is an attractive boy. Eventually the question turned to college. Oh boy, whenever college comes up, Mormons come up. Now everyone knows I'm mormon. Again, not a bad thing, just not a label that i want placed upon me. I don't want assumptions made. I want people to know me for me, not for just being a mormon, though of course that is part of me. All of this was just so vulnerable. I was talking about very personal, vulnerable things in front of everyone. Usually I discuss such things on a one-on-one basis, if I feel comfortable enough. But here I am, spilling my guts to a bunch of people I don't really know. One of them being very attractive. It was just crazy vulnerable.

And doing my monologue was hard, and usually that one (the Greys Anatomy one) is really easy for me. Man, camera is crazy. It's so different. I need practice so badly and there is no opportunity. We only have two more classes, not nearly enough time. Hillary is SUCH a great teacher. I loved what she was doing with everyone. Not just film technique, but monologue work. She knows her stuff and she knows how to nail you. And she's so positive. Everyone did the best work I've seen them do yet.

Now I need to watch that tape and I am dreading it. And I'm a little embarrassed about the boy situation. Hillary said it was very brave of me to ask him to be my partner, what does that mean?

You know what's unnerving? You're not supposed to take your eyes off your scene partner when you're doing a close-up, and so he or she, if they're a good scene partner, won't take their eyes off of you. It's awful. I didn't realize how MUCH I hide from people. It was so uncomfortable to have him just staring at me. And I desperately did not want to keep my eyes locked on him more than one second at a time. But I was not supposed to look away, ever. It was a revelation of how much I hide. From everyone. All the time.

You know what else is unnerving? How I don't think I will ever have a boyfriend I really like because I will always be so freaked out that I will run away and unless the boy really fights to get me to stop freaking out nothing will ever happen. I have already witnessed how I run away from boys who flirt with me. I literally ran away. Not to mention me flirting with anyone. There is plenty of opportunity, and I have definitely noticed a difference between boys here vs. boys in Utah. Boys in Utah hardly ever flirt with me, but here, there's a lot more checking out going on. I usually don't really believe that it's happening, but it is. And I could flirt, but I usually just keep my eyes down, turn inward, and go about my own personal business. What is going to happen to me? I have really messed myself up here. Or perhaps I can just blame it on all the boys I've liked who have not liked me back. Because really, isn't that why I'm so freaked out? Because I ventured with those other guys and got shut down? I just need a guy to go out on a limb for me, and then maybe I'll learn how to interact normally.

For Rockstar I've decided to be a Spice Girl. Me and some girls in my group are going to perform 'Wannabe'. I'm Scary Spice. I would kind of prefer to be an artist I really like (as much as I enjoy that song during workouts), but I did want to do a song that rocked. Most of the artists on my iPod are a little mellower.

I don't like how affected I am by whomever I'm performing with. It always happens during callbacks, I second guess myself or am just influenced by other people performing. I've not performed to the best of my ability here, and it's because lots of people here are not the caliber that BYU people are. That sounds awfully rude, and it certainly has so much to do with the training they've had and our short preparation time. But it's true. And I know that if some certain BYU people were here, I'd be stepping it up a notch. I need to.

I don't really have time to explain the title, but I have definitely found that it is so much better being a mormon here than in Provo. The past year has been interesting, and I'm glad I've done what I've done. In a way, I would not have been prepared to be here where I am the only mormon, frequently explaining mormons or defending mormons, if I hadn't gone through the process I have in the last six months. I went to church yesterday for the first time since Christmas. I'm glad. And I'm glad I stayed away when I did. It's so much better to be going because I want to rather than going because I knew I was supposed to or felt guilty about it. There are certainly plenty of things which I still don't enjoy or agree with, but I'm become better at forgiving people for faults rather than seeing those faults as part of the gospel. And I feel so much better about taking the time and effort to choose being mormon rather than just being mormon because that's how I was raised.

Sunday... in the green silver chromium diner...

Funny how much more I enjoy church when I'm not in Provo.

Maybe I regret inviting everyone over for Tony sunday. And maybe I'm excited to see the Legally Blonde number.

Catch up day. Remember how these titles used to be interesting quotes?

Today, as you can see, I'm at Barnes and Noble. This is preferred because I don't have to buy anything. But it's farther away.

I have some catching up to do, which is unfortunate because my brain is so fried I can't remember anything.

Wednesday night was a sad night. I was bummed about that Chekhov scene and I just needed to take my mind off of acting for an hour, that's all I asked. And So You Think You Can Dance? (SYTYCD) was just the ticket. But alas, it was a very windy day so I got home to find that our satellites had been messed up and I couldn't watch tv! I left the tv on for like two hours, hoping the tv would come back but it never did. I was pretty angry. Exhaustion + disappointment + loneliness can make your temper very short. I took a nap, and when 8:00 came and went with no luck, I grabbed my wallet and some shoes and went out the door. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, but as I turned onto the mall I decided a movie was what I needed. A movie I hadn't seen before. I'd heard good things about Knocked Up, so there I went. (I would have preferred 'Paris, Je T'aime', but the arthouse cinema would have been a drive rather than a walk). I felt like a loser, the theater was pretty full and I walked in late, so everyone saw me sit down by myself. The movie did take my mind off of things, and some of those side characters are Hilarious (Paul Rudd and his wife especially, plus that Firefly guy and his co-worker woman). But it also made me think: "boys are gross. Really gross. And stupid. Stay away from me." It also made me feel very alone.

Thursday started out with the same negative feeling. Which is bad, and I knew it, because going to a program like this, you have to be totally into it or it's a waste of everyone's time. As it turned out, Hip Hop was what shook me out of it. It was our last day and we were doing some really fun partner work. By the end of class I was enjoying myself again and taking things a lot less seriously, which is exactly what I need to retain. I take things way too seriously. Doing that partner work also helped us bond as a group.

Friday was a good day. We had Movement, which we hadn't had since monday, and I really enjoy that class and the instructor. We also had Camera for the first time, taught by Hillary who also co-teaches Voice. She is the essence of quirky fun, I love her. And she really knows what she's doing with camera work-- she's specific, frank, won't let you get away with anything, but so positive. We also had our dialect day in Extended Character which was fun. I was pretty shy, which is unfortunate because I'm good at dialects. They heard my Irish though because the monologue I chose for the class was Padraic from 'The Lieutenant of Inishmore'. I also had a great collage.

And I had to do that Chekhov scene for the last time yesterday! I am so glad. It wasn't fun to be nitpicked by Jennifer, but it had to be done. She just knows everything. She's been studying Chekhov for 30 years so she has the plays pretty much memorized and has an opinion on THE way to do EVERYTHING. Plus, after being hardwired to communicate in terms of objectives and tactics for the last 6 years, switching to someone else's system is difficult for me. It turns out that everyone is as frustrated with her as I am though, so at least I'm not alone in that.

My next Chekhov scene, with a different partner! is Arkadina and Treplev from The Seagull. It's a really funny scene, I am so glad. We were supposed to rehearse today, but I'm pretty sure my scene partner got totally hammered last night, so that will have to wait til tomorrow and I don't mind that at all.

So I went to my first bar last night. Everyone went out for drinks after school ended, to the Rockbottom Brewery. I also had calimari for the first time (Octopus!). I didn't like it. The rubbery texture, and the fact that it's curly like a tentacle, I could not handle it. After a couple hours at the bar we split up, half went to a gay bar to hit the booze a bit harder, half of us went in search of a movie and more booze to bring back to the apartments. In honor of our Chekhov filled week, vodka was purchased. Here are my thoughts on hanging out with drinkers. It's not that fun. Most of my half of the group didn't get thaaat drunk, but I still felt rather left out and kind of stupid. I also felt like half the conversation went over my head as it pertained to alcohol, nasty movies I have not seen (though they were talking about how unnecessary the graphic parts were), sports, songs I don't know... The other half of the conversation was great, these people are really passionate about theatre and it was nice talking about it with them. But they are definitely part of a different culture, and I felt like an outsider. And it was kind of depressing that this young group of people's idea of a good friday night activity was basically just to get drunk. It was centered on alcohol. I understand a drink with dinner or something, but come on, isn't there more to life? Maybe I just don't get it because I haven't tried it.

Ironically enough, hanging out with them last night turned me off from drinking, whereas living in Provo I have been incredibly tempted to try it.

Despite my loneliness this week, after spending all day yesterday with classmates, I was so ready to spend today by myself. Well, I would have preferred to have a friend with me. But a friend from before. I slept in, which is greeeat. So appreciated. I haven't been this exhausted in a while. Only because the exhaustion is from so much new, different stimulation in addition to mental focus, sleep, physical exercise, and homework. I watched half of The Village, kind of expecting my scene partner to call, and then decided to let him sleep or whatever and headed out to the art museum.

On my way, I walked through the Civic Center Park. It has trees, grass, flowers, and lots of greco-roman architecture/art. You know, columns and an amphitheatre-ish thing. It was really pretty and flanked by the city hall and the state capitol. But the only people in it were lots of homeless people. I certainly don't blame them, if I were homeless I would want to hang out somewhere pretty too. But it was sad. Ironic. There are a lot of homeless people here. On the mall at least. Lots of street performers too though, I like them.

I was so sad to find that their impressionist collection had been lent to the Louvre, but when the Louvre calls, you don't say no. I really enjoyed the museum. They had lots of really interesting pieces, and it was small and intimate. I felt like the museum was very well organized, well cared for, very public-friendly and kid-friendly, and passionate about its work. There were some great pieces from Native American tribes on the Northwest coast-- totem pole culture and lots of masks. Very interesting. Plus tons of artifacts from pre-columbian central america. They also had a really great modern art exhibit visiting. I was disappointed in the museum shop because they had no postcards, and really hardly anything pertaining directly to their art. Mostly dishes and clothes and stuffed animals type things.

Seeing the European art that they did have and flipping through the books in their discovery room made me long to be in Europe. Will it ever stop? Do I ever want it to?

So tonight I'm going to clean my apartment, it's gotten pretty messy and I'm hosting a Tonys party tomorrow. I am also going to watch a movie, The Piano I think. And tomorrow I'm going to church at 8:30, ew. With Susannah, hurray.

Feel free to call any evening...

Wednesday Post

After BYU, It's weird not only being somewhere where I'm the only mormon, but performing for and with people that I don't know, and not being known by others. Not having a place. At BYU, at least for this past year, I felt like I had a place. I had a reputation-- I'm not sure what it was, but people had an idea of me. It's also weird to me that everyone else doesn't know about my many insecurities. Because I feel like with my last few major acting classes at BYU everyone was so very well aware of most of them. But here, for all everyone else knows I could think I was great. It's empowering in a way. I can have that reputation here, that I'm confident. Except of course, I'm not, and that will eventually come out. Well, I am, but it's still on weak legs. It's a weird thing, something I don't like, but of course the optimist in me also says that it's a great opportunity.

Today was hard. Hip-hop first thing in the morning. It exhausted an already exhausted me. And I had my first preview for Chekhov today, and let's just say that I'm a perfectionist for one thing. I'm never satisfied with my work. But I expected something more. And I fear that all this work in the past year on being vulnerable has messed me up a little. That's always my first direction now. I was playing Elena, in a scene where she should be on about equal status with Astrov, and there was no question in the audience that my status was way below his. That wouldn't have happened a couple of years ago, I would have chosen the strong choice. Even in the past year I've been constantly told that I continue to make anger choices first, and I didn't with this scene. But people can still be strong without being angry and I don't know but I just feel messed up. Out of balance. Like I can't trust my instincts? Which is a wretched way to feel for an actor. You're not supposed to feel that way. I also may just be intellectualizing everything too much, which wouldn't be surprising.

But we did have a pretty amazing Extended Character class on body forms today. There are six basic body forms which are hardly seen out in the world as pure or extreme. Usually people are constantly switching from one to another, mixing up different aspects of different ones. It will certainly make me look at people differently. I loved it.

cyberspace

My Tuesday post disappeared while I was trying to post it, yesterday I was just too tired to get myself to a Starbucks, today Starbucks is about to close and I had homework to do. So you'll get posts tomorrow.

Big Spender

Big Spender

Fun Denver Fact of the Day: Prostitutes don't dress like prostitutes here, they look like you and me. So if you find yourself in some seedier parts of town (Colfax, don't walk down that street), you will find yourself getting cat calls and people asking how much you are because they think you're a prostitute. I will be staying away from Colfax.

First thing today: Voice. There's a duo teaching it and they're great fun. I'm excited. BYU is such good training, I feel so prepared for what we do here, so prepared to go into an MFA program, and I would feel so prepared to go out into the world if there was more audition experience involved at BYU. We're repeating some stuff I've already been taught, but review is good, and it's from different people so it is slightly different. And we go beyond what I've been taught. Hurray BYU.

Well we had our first hip-hop class. It was fun, kind of crazy, beyond my abilities, but a good time was had by all. The teacher is great, and pretty attractive. Really, I give it a whole-hearted try, but I am not hip-hop material my friends. I just pretend to be. The teacher just has it, that attitude, and it's just not in my body. I have more respect for all the hip-hoppers on SYTYCD. As long as it's choreographed hip-hop. This class led me to the conclusion that when I move to wherever I move to, I should enroll in a dance class. Hopefully they'll have something at my gym, but I need to start dancing because it is a workout, but fun. And memorizing choreography is good for your brain. I am happy to say that I'm more in shape than I used to be, I know I would have had a harder time with the class a year ago.

And who showed up in my hip-hop class? Susannah! She just graduated from NTC and was at BYU at the beginning of my time here. I thought she would be out of town, but she is teaching the teen intensive. I think I'm going to go to church with her on Sunday, I'm so glad I get to talk with her! (Catherine, she's moving to NYC at the end of summer and wonders if you remember her).

Something I forgot about yesterday is that I kind of got into a mormon ramble. I've been oddly self-conscious of the fact that I'm mormon and I came from BYU...

First Day

Whoa.

So here I am at Starbucks because I don't get internet in my apartment. This is unfortunate because I'm paranoid that people are going to look over my shoulder and see what I'm doing. What I'm writing. See me taking pictures like the one above. I also had to buy a cocoa. Otherwise I feel guilty. I also only get two hours. See, Denver has this awesome thing where you can use the internet for two hours in a 24 hour period when you're on the 16th St. Mall. Way cool, except that it was INCREDIBLY slow when I tried using it sitting on a bench out in the street, so I had to come into Starbucks.

I like Denver because people are always out and about. In a very friendly, living sort of way. I feel like the people here enjoy good company and strolling and it reminds me very slightly of la passagiata in Florence. Very slightly. But they could all be sitting at home watching TV and they're not. I love them. It does make one a leetle bit lonely though when you're in town with no friends. Yet.

The 16th St. Mall is a long street where only pedestrians, the lightrail, and horses and buggies can go. Plenty of good shopping, plenty of good eating. There are several delicious looking bakeries, which is my weakness. But what a nice part of town. Every town should have one of these. Then maybe more people would walk and talk.

One great thing about my apartment: directTV. Too bad I have no time to enjoy it! Another Great thing about my apartment: a gym. I haven't been there yet, but I hope it's a good one. I'm pretty happy I don't have to pay $75 for a month membership.

So today was the first day of the workshop. I was the last one to arrive, how embarrassing! I would say how unlike me, but my first classes of the day this past year can attest to the fact that I was consistently a few minutes late. I wasn't late this morning, but everyone else was early. More than one minute early.

First impressions during orientation: ok, these students don't look too scary and Impressivo like I imagined them (I imagined them as super-talented geniuses). They look my age or younger for the most part (I imagined them all as 25-30 years old with loads of world and work experience). And this building/space reminds me of Geva, which is comforting. These professors seem nice, but I'm a little terrified of that woman who showed me where the theater was, why aren't I better at small talk?!

They took us on a tour of the building, and it really reminded me of a Geva with far more studio space. There are like 12 studios or something ridiculously nice. Not too many windows though... We're going to be working in the Company space, but today and tomorrow when the company is auditioning we are using the NTC space. Oh how I want to go to school here! I just found out that they pay for your gym membership as well as your school and housing and equity membership. Dreamy.

There are 29 students, split into two groups: Gilbert and Sullivan. I am in Sullivan. I have no idea if that means anything. There is one other girl here who came to callbacks in March for the MFA program, but ultimately wasn't accepted. She's in the Gilbert group. I like her, she's the one I've talked with most, so I wish she was in my group. Our first class we were altogether for movement. Our movement instructor is quite a character.

Oh yes, on my journey here I also drove throught the infamous town of Laramie. As Bob the movement instructor mentioned. Dick Cheney has also lived there, he said with a derisive glint in his eye.

Movement was great, I neeeded that relaxation.

We will be learning hip-hop and Afro-Cuban dance. What?! I hope that I have learned from my hours of watching So You Think You Can Dance? At least it's not ballet.

So at lunch time my fears and panic attacks seem to have been forgotten. I feel like I can do this. In fact, by the end of the first class in the afternoon I'm feeling a little guilty because this seems like it's going to be way too fun. Like, BYU gave me all that money to just have fun here? Not to make that class (Extended Character) seem like it's not going to be hard, it is. It's going to be way hard. But fun. I really like the guy who's teaching it, he's pretty awesome and not intimidating. Some of our assignments for that class:

-Pick a monologue for a character of any type, gender, age, etc. that is a stretch for you. I can play anyone in any play in the history of theatre that i want to. My mind is blown. What would you play? I really want to know, please comment. Every one of you. Remember, any gender.

-Pick a scene for a character, same as above.

-Pick a monologue from a film/TV to exactly mimic. Favorite performance? I will impersonate the actor playing the role down to every twitch of the eye, inflection of the voice. A la Grey Gardens second act. Again, my mind is a little blown.

-Same with scene from Film/TV

-Pick a song for ROCKSTAR exercise. We will each lipsynch and air guitar our way through our favorite song. We will rock this joint, getting the performance down to every word, every breath.

-All of the impersonations above are NOT judgemental. I'm not commenting on the actor or myself, I am just being the actor or singer. So many songs, what to choose?! What would you choose? Again, I really really want to know. I have minimal contact here, folks, please humor me.

It's 8:30 and my mind is still blown. I feel like I have no mental power left to focus on anything, but I have so much to do! And I must get to bed by a reasonable time because I need sleep, 9 hours of it, to focus from 9-5 every day.

So I get to Scene Study, my last class of the day, with that woman who kind of terrifies me. Only because she's the head of the MFA acting program here and she got her BFA and MFA from Yale and worked with Juilliard for a couple of years and is buddies with the top playwrights of the business and oh my heavens I'm intimidated. Tonight I must come up with a kickbutt presentation on Chekhov's life. And read his letters. And reread Uncle Vanya. And memorize my lines for my scene (Elena in U.V., the goodbye scene with Astrov). And find a stimulating picture for Character, whoa I forgot about that, I should not be wasting my precious internet time. By the end of Scene Study I was losing it. I could not focus anymore. Bless that hampster who died causing the instructor to end class a bit early so she could comfort her grieving son. Oh that is horrible! So horrible. I don't bless that he died, that's sad.

See? I'm done. But I have so much to do. And I have to go back tomorrow. This workshop is going to be hard. I think it's going to be really fun too. I wish we could get to know the other class better, I think we're barely going to see them.

There is one person here who is older. Like older older. He's my scene partner. Love interest. Hm. It is weird to be scene partners with people I don't know at all, people I haven't even played trust games with. I suppose trust and knowing will come soon, but it's still weird after being at BYU where I knew everyone.

The classes are great. I took so many notes. I wish I had time to process. And time to do all the reading I want to. I forgot to mention the library! They have a great, really really GREAT script library here. I've already borrowed three scripts which they do not have at BYU, Chekhov's biography, and Chekhov's love letters. When will I read these? I have no idea. I can't wait til the weekend.

Have I mentioned how much I want to go to Denver Center for my MFA? It's been one day and I'm kind of sold. I don't doubt I will just get further impressed the more time I'm here.

I'm so scared of doing my first scene. It's one thing to do monologues I've already prepared, but to do a scene in two days I just got today? A little scary.

Heavens, I know I'm scattered. Blame the limited internet time and my fried brain.

Leave comments.

Have you seen the muffin man?

Like Catherine, I am also looking for recipes. Healthy ones. I often crave baked items, so I am looking for some uberhealthy muffins or cookies or bars. Something that I can bake at home, because homebaked is almost always tastier and healthier than preservative-packed store items. Chocolate is preferred, but other flavors are good too. Bran? Wholewheat? Please send them this way.

Journey to Denver

Well I started out my trip to Denver an hour late, in true Sorensen fashion. I had lunch with Amy and the kids in Heber, and then drove East. This was my longest drive I've personally accomplished to date: 7.5 hours, all by myself, and it went pretty well. The first few hours scenery-wise was pretty boring. I thought I might fall asleep, (I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before), but I was alright. Something I'm so glad I had: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on my iPod. It's going to be hard resisting reading the rest before my trip back, but it was such good listening that I will have to! Halfway through Wyoming the scenery got really pretty, so that helped keep my interest sharp. I had to take a bathroom break, and so I stopped at this little gas station. The signs were pretty adament that I was NOT allowed to use the bathroom unless I was a customer, so I bought this soda:



I've never seen it before. And I never tasted it because it kind of exploded in the car.



I think wind turbines are Gorgeous. I honestly think they are so beautiful and why aren't they used more often? I can't take my eyes off of them whenever I drive by them. There were a few rows of them in Wyoming (this isn't my picture...)



And this is such a poor example of the beautiful scenery, but it's all I could manage since I was the one and only driver. I passed an abbey in Colorado, in the mountains, and I was so tempted to stop. But I was already running late and I didn't want Aunt Meg to be worried, so I passed it by. Maybe on the way back.

I got to my Aunt's house in Loveland, went to bed pretty early, slept really late. Then we went to lunch, on a few errands, I read Uncle Vanya (which I loved), took a walk around the lake she lives by, watched Ocean's 12 on tv, read a bit, and went to bed. It was nice getting to know another relative, I liked her a whole lot. And she has a Delightful dog, Ebony. She snuggled up right next to me both nights I spent at the house.



And here I am in Denver. I was a little impressed with myself that I did not get lost, nor took any wrong turns. Thank you Googlemap. I unloaded my car and then went to park it in the Denver Center parking garage for the month. On my way back I took some pictures. Sorry, I cannot figure out how to turn them... Here's a huge bear trying to get into the Convention Center? Peeking in? I don't know, but I like it.



Here's the Denver Center. Kind of deserted on a Sunday morning, but very aesthetically pleasing.



Here's the Tramway building where I'll be taking my classes. It is maybe a five minute walk from my apartment, how nice! You can see a glimpse of the mountains back there, and a church steeple. Downtown Denver is pretty charming.



And I can already tell there is plenty of good shopping and good food to be had here. I passed a gelato place on this street, I will have to go there once. Good thing I'm only here for a month.



Lots of statues around, I like it.



A clock tower with a bell!



And here's the view from my room. I have a little balcony. I like that it's westward so I can see the mountains a bit. I can also see the Tramway building and the tip of the Denver Center.



Another view.



And this is my apartment. All to myself. As it turns out, I won the lottery and got a studio apartment so I have no roommates. That's great, but I hope it doesn't harm my making friends process. I thought it might be nice to have a roommate to be friends with right off the bat. But quiet will be good too. And it's my own space to practice monologues and such. It's a nice place, plenty of space, my bed pulls down from the wall in the living room so I never have to really make it! All the necessities plus direcTV

So now what? I've unpacked everything so I'm quite at home. I've got an audition this evening, and I have to get to the grocery store, but other than that I can just relax! And practice my monologues. I think I might explore the neighborhood a bit more. I still can't believe how close my apartment is to DCPA. Heavenly. And I really do like the look of this city. I think I'm going to really enjoy my time here. And I'm glad I have a car! I hope to get some good hiking/trail walking in while I'm here. Speaking of mountains, I hope to always live near some, I love them.

Please comment. I am already homesick for people I know and it's only been a couple of days! Better yet, give me a call sometime. It is far too easy for me to retreat into solitary singledom here in my lone apartment, and I don't want to. I'm still nervous for tomorrow, but I hope I find some good friends here.

Love land here I come.

Months ago I got a brochure in the mail from the National Theatre Conservatory, advertising for their Summer Intensive Workshop. I imagine they send these to everyone who auditioned for their MFA program in February. At the same time, I heard something about the Fulton Grant application deadline coming up. Well, I dedided to apply for both, basically for the heck of it. I didn't expect to get positive responses from either. But I was probably feeling low about all of my graduate school rejections and I wanted to keep possibilities open. During graduation week I heard that I'd gotten the grant. Almost all of what I'd asked for, actually. Last time I got a grant they gave me a smidgeon of what I'd asked for, so I was very flattered to be given so much. I would certainly not have been able to do the workshop without the grant covering all of it. But I had yet to hear from NTC, and I wasn't expecting a positive. Of course, I probably always say this, setting myself up for failure, because I don't want to get my hopes up. That happens all too often with auditions.

Well, my Thursday night in NYC I returned back to the hostel before anyone else after spending a night with my sisters. I used the alone time to unwind, check blogs and emails... and there was the letter from NTC in my inbox. I was elated. I've had a lot of rejections, and not many acceptances, and it was a great feeling. I felt like squealing with glee. But there was no one there to share it with, so I smiled to myself. It has been really nice to be able to tell people my good news for once, and the title of the National Theatre Conservatory sounds impressive so even if people have no idea what it is, they're impressed.

The program is one month, 9-5 every week day. It is taught by the National Theatre Conservatory faculty, and you're encouraged to attend if you're interested in the MFA program there, which I am. The curriculum includes classes in the following: Acting, Audition Techniques, Dance (mrrr), Film and Television Technique, Movement, Improvisation, Shakespeare, Singing, Speech, Stage Combat, Commercial Voice Over, Yoga, and Trapeze (yikes).

All that I know specifically is that I have to have the four main Chekhov plays read and have two monologues, one in classical verse and one contemporary, prepared for the first day of class.

So I returned to Provo and had to turn down my dreamy job at Heritage since I'd be gone for the whole month of June. Very sad. I found some temp work for the few weeks I've been here, and my have those weeks flown by. Suddenly it's the week of my departure, and I am terrified. I'm sure there's excitement somewhere inside me, but all I can feel right now is nerves. I'm hoping they'll lessen as soon as I am there and am meeting people; then the whole situation will be personalized instead of being this big institution looming over me. I'm very very good at freaking myself out. I keep seeing this experience as more of a month-long audition than a learning experience which is the wrong way to think of it. I am freaked out. I couldn't sleep for hours on Sunday night. I was at my friend's house in Midway and after I'd gotten into bed it hit me: I am leaving on Friday. Its not longer in a few weeks, but this week. And I just kept thinking, What have I gotten myself into, I can't do this! I went downstairs and read the Seagull for a while, and then just lay awake.

I'm going way outside of my comfort zone. I'm going to a place I've never been to, to be surrounded by no one that I know, to prove my acting skills to people I desperately want to like me. Of course I'm freaked out. I just have to accept the freaked out feeling and go on to do what I do.

I can do this. I don't beieve it right now but I know that that belief is in me somewhere. It will be great. This program will be great for me, great for my resume, great for my prospects of getting into the NTC for graduate school. I'll learn a lot, make some good contacts, hopefully make some good friends. I'm excited to live in the city. I was going to live with my aunt in Loveland (what a name), but my mom and I decided it would be better to live in Denver. I'm glad, that commute would have been stressful and I think it will be easier to make friends if I'm there in the evenings. But I'll be staying a couple of nights with my aunt and I'm excited to get to know her better.

I just have to forge ahead. I'm sure (hoping) that everything will be better once I'm there. I know it's a good thing. And I know I'm good, I just get freaked out. I just have to pull together the scraps of confidence that I know are somewhere in me.

Summer habits

One of my summer habits is staying up late, and then sleeping in late. As much as I resolve to go to bed by midnight, I hardly ever do. Even today-- I got up earlier than usual, with less sleep than usual, ran some errands before work, went to the gym after work, I've been tired, and I tried to settle myself down with some tv, but I am still not ready to sleep. When 2 am hits, that's when I'm ready to sleep. And I do love my sleep.

Another summer habit is lots of movies. But alas, that was in the days of netflix.

My least favorite summer habit: lofty goals of self-improvement which get procrastinated and overshadowed by the novelty of leisure time. How many times have I resolved to improve my mastery of dramatic literature only to stick to the novels I have no time to read during the school year?

And Sex and the City. Last summer (in addition to my all-time favorite, Six Feet Under,) I watched 5 seasons of Sex and the City that my friend lent me. But he didn't have the sixth and final season, so Carrie and her friends have been hanging out, unfinished, in the back of my mind. As I wandered the aisles of Blockbuster tonight with my 2-for-1 coupon in my pocket, I searched for something to fit my mood: a little lonely, a little fluffy. Heavy dramas , though I Love them, are something I find I can only bring myself to watch in the theater, where it is an event, something which prepares my mind for what is coming. Or if it comes in the mail from netflix. Then it arrives, and can sit on my table until I have the presence of mind, focus, and time to invest in it. But since I have sacrificed netflix for a time, I haven't sat down to watch something like Tsotsi in my home for months. And even though I've intended to watch it for a while now, I could not bring myself to take it from the shelf. After reviewing all of the new releases (which are of course quite picked-over on a Friday night in Provo), I browsed the shelves, and Sex and the City came to mind.

Sex and the City is delightful summer watching. They're short, funny, romantic, and every now and then pack a real emotional punch. Yes, it has made me cry. I think I've seen the episode where Miranda's mother dies three times (the show is on tv every day), and each time I've shed some tears. It's always interesting to see what the girls are wearing. And I love the show because these are four women who are gorgeous, intelligent, skilled and accomplished, yet they're still single-- frequently that is. It's so easy to feel like a loser when you're single in Provo. But these ladies give single life a good name, and can cry about it themselves which in turn also makes me feel validated about my loser feelings.

I know, it's tv, not the real world.

But it's comforting none the less, even if it is just escapism/entertainment/wishful thinking.

And settling down on the couch with old friends on the screen is great relaxation, which is the best summer habit.

Some pictures I wish I could have included in my NYC post below:

Coram Boy




Moon for the Misbegotten
Grey Gardens

summer lovin'

What I need to do this summer:
-Float down the Provo River
-Go CAMPING. I want to go asap. S'mores and stars and wilderness and chilly sunrises.
-Go to Disneyland if it wasn't so crazy expensive. I've never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld, and I think that's sad. I need to go. Just once. Before I have kids. Is that too much to ask? I just want to go to the happiest place on earth.
-I would like to get to the Spiral Jetty one more time, but driving there scares me. Last time it ruined my brakes. But it's my favorite place in Utah.
-Go to St. George to see Jenny in Tuacahn
-Go to Seattle to feel it out, investigate about living there
-Have some crazy summer fun. Outside.

What I wish I could do: buy a scooter! My friend let me drive his last week (very trusting of him) and it was DELIGHTFUL. And so much less gas. And did I mention that it filled me to the brim with the delight of simple pleasures? I want one. I would consider buying one instead of a car for a while if I was thinking about living someplace where it didn't rain every other day. Parking is so much better. Gas is so much better. Driving is so much better. I'm in love.

And wouldn't this post be so much more interesting with pictures? Well, I'm at work, so I'm not going to bother with pictures. But let's talk about how my computer is not blog-picture friendly. Have you noticed how I've apparently been watching Tess of the D'Urbervilles for a few months now? I very much enjoyed that miniseries, but I have not been watching it for a few months. My computer WON'T let me switch the picture. Well, to be fair, I don't know if it's my computer or internet connection. But blogger is loath to let me post pictures in my blogs as well. It takes a while. And I can't preview what they look like while I'm writing a post. It's bothersome. I would so much rather have a fun, picture-filled blog. It delights the eye, and delighting the eye is what I'm all about.

where there's a whip...

Here I am at my temp job. It kind of sucks. It's really easy, but I hate jobs where I don't feel like I'm DOING anything. I answer phones, survey people, make sure sales representatives aren't deceiving anyone and ripping them off. Because they do that. I hate them. But I am so grateful for this job at the same time-- I thought I wouldn't be working at all these three random weeks that I'm home, so working at all is fantastic. But everyone's here just to make money, they don't care about security systems, they don't care about the people who are buying the security systems-- it's depressing. And frustrating. I don't care either. It makes me feel kind of wretched.

The best thing about this job is that when you're not getting calls, you can play online. So instead of sitting and staring at the cubicle wall (or gazing out the one and only window because I feel like maybe my eyeballs get some vitamin D just by looking outside-- I sit as near to it as I can)I can check email, read blogs, anything but myspace. Here are the blogs which have gotten me through the past two weeks, courtesy of Catherine:

www.gofugyourself.typepad.com

www.whatblows.blogspot.com

One's a fashion blog of celebrities looking bad. For some reason, it makes me feel better to know that they make horrendous fashion mistakes. It's also very entertaining to read. The other one is a great blog about theatre in NYC. I have now read the past year's worth of archives in both blogs. Now what? Maybe I'll finally turn to my Chekhov which I should have been reading the whole time. But it's hard to read Chekhov in two minute increments.

I do not feel like I can do this for another five hours. Much less another five days. But I must! And I'm grateful for it!

He is trampling out the vintage where...

Thrillionaires Steinbeck night. It took a longer time to get my clothes and myself dirty than I expected. I was lucky it rained yesterday, so there was plenty of mud to rub all over me. I cut and ripped up some old jeans and a shirt, discolered them with coffee and mud, and voila: migrant worker in Salinas Valley. For the second half of our show we did a musical a la O, Brother Where Art Thou? So we asked the audience for an epic story we could retell, and they gave us... Star Wars. I was Chewbacca, or Cheryl, yes! And I spoke in such a thick southern twang that no one could understand me, except of course my good buddy John Solitaire, a.k.a. Han Solo. Good times at the Velour.

I watched 'East of Eden' the other night to prepare-- good film. That James Dean.