Pre-show meeting

febreze on Vimeo

Trust me, febreeze is an important element of Young Company.

Olivia, Feste, and Sir Andrew venture out to the grocery store

wow on Vimeo


Now that I figured out how to put my friend's videos on my blog, I can't stop myself! These are almost all from the fall when I was doing Twelfth Night.

Good old van times

natural dryer on Vimeo

Behind the curtain...

behind the curtain on Vimeo


well, while we're on the topic of Young Company...

A tribute to Sir Andrew Aguecheek

tribute on Vimeo


fond fond memories of traveling with the Shakespeare Young Company Troupe.

What do we do?

Here's some good news of the day:
Advanced Acting is over, and I felt pretty good about my monologues, even if my technique was showing. How embarrassing.

Senior Recital is over. I'm not totally happy with how it went, but I don't feel bad about it either. And I feel awesome about how many people came. And I do think I've done some of my best work in that class, even if not in the final performances of the pieces. I'm proud of what I've done. I'm so glad I got to do that Clearing scene, I love it.

I got my grant for that Denver Center workshop. Now that I've got the money to do it, they probably won't accept me. But here's hoping. They gave me $1,200 and I feel great about it.

NYC is less than a week away, hurray! On my to-do list while I'm there? Not much. Just some awesome shows I've picked out. I'm open to other suggestions (thanks Erin!) But here's what I sure will be doing: relaxing. I haven't had a real break since August. When I fly away on Sunday morning I will be free as a bird and I am going to relish it. NYC is all fun. Happy graduation to me.

So I had my last day of classes last Tuesday. My last day of college. It hasn't sunk in. Maybe it will come August when I'm feeling that back-to-school urge. For now, I'm doing alright. I just hope a freak out doesn't attack me from nowhere. I don't think it will. I've got plans. And I'm looking forward to the potential of Seattle. I've heard so many positive things about it, and people say it's gorgeous, so I'm loving that prospect. I think this will be good. I'm not expecting to be cast as soon as I get out there, I hear it takes a while to break into the circle. This forced hiatus from plays has at least taught me that life without being in a play is enjoyable. And I know I will at least have one friend there.

Oh, and I'm going to be in Julius Caesar. Despite my disappointing callback performance. And I never wrote about how my Little Women callback went really well. It did. I felt great about my singing and acting, and I had fun with the dancing. It was a really good experience, and helps give me confidence in the singing area especially. Laurie ran into me in the hall one day before the cast list went up and told me that if I was going to be a student in the fall, she would have cast me as Jo, but since I won't be a student, she couldn't cast me. Which I respect. I'm so glad she told me, kind of bittersweet, but it's awesome knowing I would have been cast.

Feist - 1 2 3 4

and then sometimes I hate my life.

wee triumphs

At this point, I've got to celebrate anything I get: for Julius Caesar at the Castle I got called back for Cassius, Portia, and Calpurnia. And for Little Women at BYU I got called back for Jo and Marmee. Too bad it's 11:00 and I have a rehearsal at 9 tomorrow morning, then callbacks back to back from 11 to 5 tomorrow. Yikes. Do I study the material, or get good sleep?

Just listen to the song, don't watch-- the video is distracting

Listening to this song has made me realize that I'm doing pretty awesome for myself. I remember when I could barely imagine that I'd be on acting track, much less pursuing acting as a career. I was so afraid, so unconfident. I was crippled by my self-doubt, and by the perceived doubt of others. And although my confidence isn't where it should be, it's so much better than it was. I am doing what I dreamed. And that rocks. And I'm kind of doing better than if I found "a way back to then" because I didn't often dance in the backyard. More often I danced locked in my room where no one could see. It's been hard to get to where I am, but I'm here because of my own dreams and hard work. And I think that's something to be proud of.

And there you are,
Right in the middle of what you love
With the craziest of company
You're having a kickass time
And being who you wanted to be in this world.
You're that little girl with her wings unfurled
Flying again.
Back in the backyard, dancing.
I found a way back to then.

Slings and arrows

Is it wrong to still have a hard time hearing people talk about Hamlet? Seriously, every night my two roommates come home from the show and talk about it and talk about it and I cannot stay in the same room for longer than five or ten minutes into the conversation because it is too painful. I cannot express how much I wanted to be in this show. I don't think you can imagine how many different factors combined to create this incredibly intense yearning to be a part of this particular production of Hamlet, a show which I love so much on its own. It is Hard to not be in it. So hard. And I worked so hard to get in it. And I hear so much about it, so much about the entire process. Almost the entire cast is made up of my friends and when you're in a show, that takes up so much of your life, of course you talk about it all the time. I also T.A. for the director, I hear other theater people discussing the show, I hear them running the awesome music every day while I do my homework in the Pardoe lobby... I am constantly surrounded by reminders. It's just hard. And I feel like I can't express how painful it is for me to people because it makes them feel bad or awkward or annoyed and I certainly don't want to put everyone else out because I have emotional problems. Yes, I think people could be more considerate. But no, I don't think people generally feel as keenly as I do about it so they don't get it. It is raw. I am dreading seeing the show. And I mean dreading. I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure it is going to be damn hard to watch it. I wanted to get it over with next week but I can't because they're not having a show on Saturday due to general conference and I have Proof rehearsal every other night. Honestly, I needed to call upon my emotional support system, that is how much I can't do this by myself. And I have to wait til closing night. And I cannot tell you how relieved I will be when it is over.

I also wish I'd never told someone I liked them. I was so afraid I was going to regret that.

And, if you're accustomed to living expecting people to not love you, how do you change that?

Weekend woes

I feel that weekends are generally very important. During the week I am going going nonstop and weekends provide much needed relief; an opportunity to wind down. Lately they've been much more relaxing as I haven't even had rehearsals on Saturdays. And I think that some good recreation time is extremely important to the productivity in a week. But I also have a problem with weekends-- all of my 'projects' that I'm working on, life goals we could say, grind to a halt on the weekends. I'm not good at doing homework on weekends, there's just something about all that time that makes me want to put off doing homework forever; my eating plan goes haywire, I eat horribly when I don't have the structure school gives me; I have yet to make it to the gym on a Saturday. Instead of being productive when I have the most opportunity to do so, I laze the day away. Sometimes this is nice, and sometimes-- like this weekend-- it just makes me feel like crap. I woke up this morning, and instead of feeling rested and rejuvenated, optimistic about life and ready to tackle my goals, I felt like a lump. A lump that wanted to stay in bed.

And for the first time, I kind of wished school was over. What?! It's true. I just thought, how much simpler life will be when, instead of juggling classes, a job, and a production, I will just be juggling a job and a production. Well, I don't expect that feeling to last long. And indeed, I don't really like that feeling. But perhaps at least I won't just feel like crying when I graduate.

If my life were a TV show, it would be The Office.

Not that I at all work in an office, but the general mundaness of life with subtle meaningful nuances, mixed with a few quirky people seems to describe my life much better than any other show out there.

Maybe I'm in love with Jim. You don't want to know how many times I have watched the end of the Casino Night episode. I feel ya, Jim. I love The Office. What I do not love is how many reruns there have been lately instead of new episodes. And how frustrating the Jim/Pam situation is.

Take a look at the shenanigans of the Thrillionaires Improvised Theatre Company

In Elizabeth's words, "welcome to Hell, party of two."

I think my sense of well-being is amazing. I don't understand how for two days you can feel freaking miserable, and then you wake up on the third day and you're back to feeling ok about life. I guess it's a good thing, but perhaps if I understood I could kick it into gear a little sooner. Yesterday I tried so hard to think of something that would make me feel better, distract me, get me out of myself, something, anything. Nothing helped and I was miserable. And today I feel like I will be ok. Yes, this semester really sucks for me. A lot. But my life isn't hopeless. Yesterday I really felt like it was. Today I will finally clean my room. Maybe actually decorate it a little. For my whole college existence the decorating of my room has been very important. I didn't feel settled or like my space was my own until it was decorated, covered over with pictures of things that I loved. This year, I never did it. My walls have remained more or less bare. And now it's more than halfway through winter semester and I feel like I should and actually will get around to it.

Sometimes I miss Europe the most because of the parks they have. Why doesn't Provo have a good park? I would go ramble today. Maybe I should just take off to Europe for a year.

I don't want to graduate and leave. But maybe it is exactly what I need. Provo is where I want to be because it's familiar and not intimidating. But maybe I would be happier somewhere else. Maybe it is time to go. Six months from now...

Breathe. Bend. Be.

On Wednesday I went to a Yoga class at a studio in the Riverwoods and now my sleeping problem is mended. Mostly-- I do keep having dreams about grad school auditions and ACTF... But the yoga class was so lovely, I think I'll start going every week. It was nice to be doing an extracurricular activity that wasn't acting-related. And ever since, I've been able to fall asleep much better. It was kind of alarming to realize how difficult it was to just relax and stop thinking about things. In fact, I didn't quite succeed, and I know I used to be able to do that just fine. Well, now that I'm aware that that's a problem of mine I can focus on fixing it. That was probably a big contributor to my sleep problems. The studio was really nice, and I really liked the instructor. I felt trendy, but in a wholesome way. I also really liked the clothing boutique you walk through to get to the studio, too bad all the clothes were super pricey. It was so nice to just do yoga for an hour and a half. I would never give myself that much time to do it at home.

In other news, I'm trying to just live one day at a time, giving. And it's nice.

Stop hurting and start sleeping.

I have been using sleeping aids almost every night since Chicago at which time I was sick and used nighttime cold medication. And then there was ACTF where I started taking Advil PM (probably for half the week, not every night,) because I needed to sleep but was stressed and the beds were uncomfortable. And now this week I have not been able to go to sleep, even though I haven't had a full night of rest any night. I've eventually given in and taken Advil PM again every night. What is going on? Today I was so tired all day and now that it's time to go to bed I am wide awake. I have no problems taking naps, I have come home from the gym and zonked out for a couple of hours three times this week. I need some sleepy dust. The sleep gods frown upon me. I wish I had a sleep button.

Our doubts are traitors.

It's snowing outside and I think I'm one of the only people in Provo to be happy about it. And I am. Today it's a quiet, content happiness, not the giddy flurried happiness. It's so peaceful and it makes everything different, new, beautiful, solitary, and silent. I love how quiet it is.

After the bitter attacking freeze of Chicago, Provo has seemed very inviting. Comforting.

I've been happy the last couple of days, and it has been so nice. It's been a relief. I feel like I've been a restless malcontent for months and that creature has finally settled down-- perhaps only for a nap. But I feel like this is my equilibrium, this is where I naturally want to be. I have felt pressed down for a while, floundering, struggling to pull myself back up but the struggle only gave my malcontent a better hold. I'm afraid this peace will leave any moment, but for the time being I'm enjoying it.

Chicago and ACTF were really rough. I felt despair. It was awful. I honestly don't remember feeling that bad for a long time. I avoid thinking about it because I'm afraid that feeling is going to slink back. ACTF just sucked because I truly just had rotten luck and it caused this flashback of how I'd felt the week before. But now those two weeks are past, and I can just think about now. Here are some valuable lessons I learned: confidence is key. Really, I feel like confidence and consistency are essential. That's why Slate does so well because he's confident in his talent, work, and preparation. He's so good and he knows that. Furthermore, he's consistent. He doesn't let nerves get to him so his talent has the opportunity to do what it can. It's not debilitated by anything.

So how do I get that? I tend to think that the only way to gain confidence is through being cast in stuff and seeing yourself successful in a play. But that's exterior confidence, and what I need is interior, intrinsic confidence. Confidence that I have not because of anything other people see in me or do for me, but because it's just a part of me. I have no idea how to get that. But that's my goal for the next year. Also to audition for tons of things because I realized that I don't actually have a lot of audition experience. I mean, there just aren't that many opportunities in Provo to audition, and in order to get consistency, to be able to audition over and over again without letting nerves affect me, I need practice.

I'm really sad I won't be going to grad school this year. It's what I want to do now, more than anything. Right now, I know that that's the next step for me. So I asked Barta what, in total frankness and honesty, I needed to do to get into a graduate program next year. I mean, I want to go to auditions a year from now and I want people to want me. I want them to take notice. The first thing she said was to be more proactive-- write to schools and let them know that I'm going to be there and that I want them to watch for me. She also mentioned that I could work on vulnerability, but she had seen my monologues and she said that my Amelia one was good for that, so that's not so much the problem. The main thing? How I look. My weight is apparently all that is holding me back. In a way that is very comforting, because it's not like I'm not talented. And it seems like losing weight is something that is possible. Then again, haven't I been trying to do just that for ten years? I've suffered a lot of mean-spirited teasing because of it and I've hated myself for it and that hasn't made too much of a difference. Nevertheless, I have to do it now. Big Goal for Next Year: look damn good. I have a year. When I move away in September I can audition like mad, and hopefully some confidence will come into play in the next year. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm feeling like I can do this. I'll be ready by next year. And it's a good thing I went and tried this year because that was an essential step in these realizations. It won't be new next time, I'll know what I'm doing.

I've got to say though, I've been going to the gym since October and here's something I've learned: I am not good at pushing myself. There's some work that needs to be done.

I am a tragic hero

Suffice it to say, I'm not expecting any offers. Slate seems to have everyone fighting over him. NYU wanted to see a third piece: my song! Was I expecting to have to sing? Definitely not. Boo.

Conclusion: It was a really rough few days. I didn't do quite as well as I wanted to, but I didn't totally choke either, though the week did include a breakdown. But I think I learned a lot, and I'll be damn well prepared for next year.

Boo. My endeavors of the last few months don't seem to go too well.

Look what the wind blew in

Well here I am, after months of anxiety, actually here in the Windy City. And I feel alright.

Yes, I'm a little terrified about tomorrow when all of my auditions start, but I'm telling myself I'm confident, talented, and totally prepared. And I kind of believe it.

Our hotel is great. It's on the same block as the hotel for URTAs, opened on Friday (so we're the first ones to stay in our room), has free cocoa whenever our hearts desire it, continental hot breakfast, very pleasant interior, and everyone's super friendly because they just opened! Such a great choice. And we're staying in room 1707, which I love because my lucky number is 7. We're also just a block away from such lovely stores as Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.

We flew in with no problems, took a cab to the hotel, and then headed out to find some food. We went to the oldest Italian restaurant in Chicago and it was yummy. We then went in search of the hotels that our auditions are at. They're all in the same place, the Hyatt Regency (except for URTAs) which is a 15-20 minute walk away. Um, it's freezing here. Like I walked outside and started laughing because I could not believe how cold it was. Strike you to the bones cold. Really, unbelievable. School is cancelled because it's so cold. Eventually you grow numb to it and then you're ok, but that first ten minutes is painful. And wherever you're headed, you arrive really rosy-faced. But our walk around the theatre district was nice other than that. Chicago (at least this area) is pretty, some great architecture, and clean! With lots of cafes. And people have been really friendly. We walked into a cafe and the owner actually greeted us with an enthusiastic "Look what the wind blew in!" I was charmed.

And now we're watching The Secret Garden on HBO, which is comforting to me.

Ah tomorrow.

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt."
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare