"Every living creature on this earth dies alone."

Donnie Darko. Still confusing. Still intriguing.

I'm home. Good old Ro-cha-cha. I survived finals week, flying by the seat of my pants. (Whenever I use that phrase I think of the Lorax.) I actually still haven't done a paper-- and I don't know if that's going to affect my grade or not. I need to suck it up and do the responsible thing which is to call Barta. My acting muscle is tired, and I'm actually glad I don't have to act at all for two weeks. And I seem to forget, every time that I'm homesick, how stressful home can be sometimes. Of course it's the worst right before Christmas when my mom has a million and one things to do and not enough time, energy, or motivation to do them. She's the kind of person who needs everything done exactly the way she wants it done, and so it's very difficult to help her. But it's still really nice to be home. To be rooted in one spot, not flying from class to meeting to rehearsal and so forth. And my sisters are starting to come home again which is really fun.

Good news: I got into "Handing Down the Names"! The audition process was not very enjoyable, but our cast is amazing. I think this is going to turn out to be a great piece to be involved in and I'm really excited about it. We still don't know what parts we will be playing though-- Bob will decide those after a couple of rehearsals. Prolong the torture, I beg of you.

So I saw Severin. Now it's a risk writing this because I have no idea whether he still reads my journal or not, but even if he does I'm just being honest. I'm a little hurt because I cared so much about him, wrote him for two years, etc. and he doesn't seem to care about me at all. Now, I know a mission is a huge, life-changing thing. I know it's going to be hard to transition back to real life. But I was so excited to see him, so happy to have one of my best friends back in action, and he barely even looks at me. I should try again, I should invite him to do something. But I am hurt by his nonchalance and indifference and I just don't feel like putting all of the effort into our friendship. Perhaps I've been spoiled by my close relationships at school where we really care for each other and we show it, but I was hoping for a little more happiness in seeing me.

I had two dreams last night which made me really happy: a variation upon two common themes. I was engaged and I was travelling to Napoli/Paris.

Bob was also in my dream. I was yet again trying to have an intelligent conversation with him which would impress him as to my intelligence and passion for living. Why doesn't he send out the Study Abroad acceptances? I'm pretty sure I'm getting in, but it would be nice to be concretely sure.

I warn any of you who may be reading this: 'House of Flying Daggers' is not nearly as good as 'Hero' are as the reviewers say. 'Spanglish' is much better than they say. 'Donnie Darko' is better with the director's cut, clearer to understand, though it would still require multiple viewings.

Ah yes, I've been home since Saturday, but the only two Pittsford people I've seen are Severin and Amanda. There was a get-together at Kavita's house last night which I was quite upset I couldn't go to. I didn't call anyone to make sure they knew I wasn't spurning them. It was my mom's birthday, and Lindsay and I had already agreed to a get-together/ fellowshipping [?] party which was last night. Quite frustrating. I'll have to see them all a Lot next week I guess, but I'm just really sad I missed out.

Peace and Love.

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.

Virginia Woolf, reiterated by the amazing Julie Glover. I feel priveleged to know this girl. She moved me to tears today, with one simple, but never just simple, paragraph:

"So, write yourself something, in songs, in poems, in rants or dance, with brushes, equations, paints or blushes, black and white or color splashed, just give yourself something that isn't so sad, that isn't so ill-willed, just for a single moment, just try to be happy with your own skin, with your own thoughts, with your own experiences, just to see how it feels."

Julie is one of the most intriguing, complex, amazing people I know. I hope I don't lose touch with her. That entry meant a lot, the last part especially connected, though I don't know if it was more for her close friends at school.

Our highschool clan has grown apart. I knew it would happen. But it's sad just the same. Simultaneously, it's the way things are. At least we still hang out when we're home, it's not like we won't speak to each other. And I still care about them deeply. It's harder to say what they feel about me since we hardly ever talk-- but I am just as much at fault in that area as anyone else. I just remember at the end of senior year when we loved each other so much and I dreaded with my whole being the day when we wouldn't be as tight as that. But it's here, and I'm still living. And hopefully when I'm home in a few weeks, I'll remember this and take as much time as possible with them. Because they're amazing people.

It's a Badly Drawn Boy day.

The last few weeks of school are always rough-- but why do they always feel like they're the roughest they've ever been? At least I'll be prepared this semester with my proficiencies monologues. I'll be desparately glad to fly away home again. I feel like I haven't been there for ages. Though it will be so weird to not see Sylvia or Logan for two weeks.

Severin's coming home on Thursday, which is incredible. These past two years have flown by, but I feel ages older. I'm not just a different shade, but almost a different color. Almost. I feel... relieved that Severin will be back. It'll be interesting to see how our friendship will be different, and to see how much is still the same.

It's also a cocoa day.

Peace and Love.

The photograph of Maude which inspired "Somewhere in Time". 

It's in my genes.

I got an email tonight, forwarded from my uncle, Nicholai Sorensen. It's freaking amazing:

"I've been looking for material on Maude Adams lately, the cousin of great-grandmother Beulah Adams [that would be two greats for me]. There's surprisingly little in print, given that a hundred years ago she was perhaps the most popular actress in the US, and that the play "Peter Pan" was written with her in mind. Anyhow, one can find interesting things on the web. For example, apparently Alphonse Mucha did an oil of her as Joan of Arc, to be used as a theatrical poster. The original oil's in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I'd never seen it before, and was fascinated. Apparently Maude (who never married and has a kind of lesbian following, although there's nothing to indicate any leanings in that direction for her) was the original inspiration behind the turn-of-the-century actress character played by Jane Seymour in the 1980 movie "Somewhere in Time." Richard Matheson, who wrote the novel the movie was based on, saw a photograph of her in Virginia City (one of the frontier towns where her stage career started) and had an intense reaction to it. So Maude never had children, and her cousin Beulah wasn't nearly as attractive, unfortunately for us. One of the reasons the memory of her has largely disappeared was that, unlike her rival Ethel Barrymore, she did not move into movies, although I'd hope that somewhere there's some footage of her performing. I note that she did have a penchant for cross-dressing roles (starting this business of females playing Peter Pan, and she played males in a number of other productions). Maybe that's what attracts lesbians. I find her quite interesting, too."

Katie's convinced we were absolutely meant to be friends since Peter Pan is her favorite children's story. I am just thrilled to know this bit of family history. I'm totally naming my daughter Maude. And I'm doing some research.

I should stop wasting your time.

Today was an odd mixture of excitement and disappointment. At the moment, curled up in my bed with the second Romeo + Juliet cd playing the Desiree song on repeat, secluding myself from the world, I am extremely disgruntled. And I'm not sure why, so I can't fix it. All I know is that I want to secede from my life just for tomorrow. Not that tomorrow is extremely horrible, I'm just tired, and all I want to do right now is take some time off.

Today I read a play which I love, "Handing Down the Names" by Steven Dietz. I had decided that I wanted to audition for "Family", which David Morgan is directing, but after hearing Morag rave about the Dietz play last night, I decided to check it out. I love it, and I really really want to be a part of it. Bob is directing, which is unfortunate, but hopefully it will still turn out ok. The play really spoke to me, perhaps because of Family History, which I'm taking this semester. So that was my excitement of the day-- I skipped Family History so I could continue reading. I also chose my monologue for the Cymbeline audition.

Then I went to Bus Stop, where I just don't want to be anymore. I don't like this backstage work-- maybe I could enjoy makeup or costumes, but this dresser work is boring. At least I'm there with people I like. It sounds like "A Generation Raised in Propriety" is going to be shut down, which makes me extremely disappointed, frustrated, angry, and any other synonym thereof. I'm still really not in a good place with Kevin, which is kind of wearing on me. I don't like being upset with people, it's very disrupting. But I think it's definitely his place to set things right, I already tried.

Disappointment (Dogville), after disappointment (Generation). Hopefully the next disappointment won't be Handing Down the Names.

I have a lot of homework to do. Instead I'm doing this. Not a good sign.

Composed Upon Westminster Bridge

Earth has not anything to show more fair:
Dull would he be of soul who could pass by
A sight so touching in its majesty:
This City now doth like a garment wear
The beauty of the morning; silent , bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky,
All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.
Never did the sun more beautifully steep
In his first splendour, valley, rock, or hill;
Ne'er saw I, never felt a calm so deep!
The river glideth at his own sweet will:
Dear God! the very houses seem asleep;
And all that mighty heart is lying still!

~Wordsworth


I want to be in London today.

Welcome November

"and that’s why i have to go back
to so many places in the future,
there to find myself
and constantly examine myself
with no witness but the moon
and then whistle with joy,
ambling over rocks and clods of earth,
with no task but to live,
with no family but the road."
—pablo neruda

"People always say you should be yourself...

...like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough." ~Angela Chase (My So-Called Life)

Life is good. I'm pretty concerned about fitting in "Bus Stop" stuff as well as "A Generation Raised in Propriety" stuff. They kind of cancel each other out. But I think things will work out. We're going to rehearse on Mondays for "Generation" which is good. I quit my job because I realized it was madness to even attempt to do my two shows plus work and a job. But now I truly am moneyless, which is a concern.

Today I had to to my 2nd preview in Acting Classics for "All's Well that Ends Well" as well as my final performance of "Comedy of Errors". I was a little worried. But I think it turned out ok. My comedic scene certainly seemed to, and I didn't horribly humiliate myself with the 'tragic' one.

There really isn't that much news to record. Just that things with Katie are much better now, my theatre group of friends is going to start doing FHE on sunday nights, I continue on with schoolwork, and I saw "Garden State" for a third time on Saturday. It made me cry again. It just connects. It was so autumnal today. I woke to the sounds of pouring rain and swished up the hill, lugging my abnormal amount of stuff for the day, with my mittens curled around the handle of my umbrella. It was a cocoa day.

Love.

Will you know you've been deceived?

My words confuse you
My eyes don’t move a blink
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

Honest is easy
Fiction is where genius lies
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

~"Demon" by Guster

This song is so in sync with my life right now. I feel rather dramatic. But it's true. Things are a little strained, but it's because of me. I have problems, which I need to leave behind. I just don't want to have to be the one. I'm definitely behaving the demon right now. It must be difficult on her part too. At least she's getting what we both want though. I just have to continue without, as always.

Today pretty much sucks, but only because of my emotional submission. I pretty much just have to suck it up, and realize how great my life is right now. I have awesome friends who care about me, I'm taking awesome classes, I have a means of earning money, and I'm in a show. All great things.

Nevertheless, Guster's 'Goldfly' is the music of choice today. My angry, frustrated music. What would I do without you? I think my new cd of Rachael Yamagata would lead me to tears. I would prefer to stay with angry.

Love is all around.

I slept preposterously late today, which was heavenly. Guilt-inducing though. I did a leetle bit of homework, then grocery shopping with Sylvia (I have so much food!) and went to Morag and Kyle's birthday party, which was way fun.

A couple of weeks ago we went to the birthday party of Kimmy, whom I don't really know. She's in the TMA department, and apparently casts a lot of the films which come out of it. Logan and Sylvia know her, which is why I was there. But it was at her house, and we walked around it, and I looooved it. I have this great feeling about it, and I feel like I need to live there. I just keep thinking about it, randomly. So, Kimmy was at the party tonight for a bit, and I just asked her about next year, and she offered me her room. It is apparently the best room in the house, but I'll only get it if I live there for Spring and Summer as well. That's the only downfall, you see. I'm hopefully going to be in London in the Spring, and Lindsay had said I could just live at her place in the summer since she's going to have to pay for it anyway, but would be at home for summer. Thus making my living conditions in Provo free. But maybe it will just be worth it. And I would have someplace to stash all of my stuff. I want to go see this room.

We played a game tonight called Bad Poetry, akin to our poetry game of bygone days in cafes. For a short period of time, we all just write, and then we switch poems, read them, and we have to figure out who wrote them. After a couple times of this, we decided to write poems about everyone who was there. The name I drew was Logan, and I totally could have written a better poem about him, but it was a short time, ah well. Gabe wrote mine. He is Morag's fiance, and we really don't know each other well at all. But he was involved in Fringe and we've both been hanging out simultaneously at Logan and Kevin's a couple times. I love the poem he wrote about me though:

innocent glass reflecting the
secrets, the ones that nobody
know. Safe in the bright a
happy halloween tonight and
time that reflect my passion.
Wait.
Think and ponder.
What is real, and what is not.
Love is all around.

I love hanging out with this group of people. And I'm opening up about things really easily. They're totally safe.

I love it.

Friday night exhaustion

I think it's depressing that I can't enjoy my friday nights as I used to, because now I'm so tired. As I left Acting Classics yesterday, I was struggling to hold back yawns and keep my eyes open. Once we got to the mall I was better, especially when I got my ears pierced on an impulse. I had thought of it yesterday in Vocal Technique, and Sylvia was totally behind it, so we went to the mall and got it done. I have little stars in my ears now, which must remain for six weeks. Then I can start having fun with dangly earrings etc. We also examined many shoes, went to Wal-Mart to get some betta fish as birhday presents, and bought a couple of cds at Media Play. Sylvia now has Rachael Yamagata, and I have the new Badly Drawn Boy which we can burn and trade. Then we went to a bachelorette party, at which I of course fell asleep. I'm sure I wasn't very interesting to be around because most of the time I was half-asleep on my feet. But I slept very very late today, so tonight I can have some good fun at Kyle and Morag's birthday party. Huzzah.

I should be paying attention to General Conference.

A Generation Raised in Propriety

Yesterday we had a readthrough of a revised edition of Morag's script, though the 'we' only included a few people from the cast. I really like the new stuff, which is mostly in the end. Morag will probably revise the final moment again, but the main event which is changed will be the same. I love this show, and am really grateful to be in it. Apparently we'll be performing at the PAC again, but I hope we can get some better lights, for the sake of the scene changes. The Nelke would be better but we're not allowed to charge there or ask for donations.

Yesterday I had returned home from work only to fall asleep for longer than the hour I had alotted myself. I didn't miss Yoga though, thankfully, I just didn't have time to do the work I was going to in the morning. After classes I ate dinner with Sylvia and grabbed a book from the library. I then went to the readthrough, then went straight to visit teaching Angela. Angela is the Relief Society president in my ward, and an art major. She's a really cool person, and we seem to understand each other really well. After giving her the lesson, I asked to see some of her art, and was pleased to see a lot of stuff I really liked. She had warned me that her stuff was a little unconventional, stuff that most people perhaps wouldn't like. I loved it though, especially her ceramic self-portrait and one of her pieces from a Band-Aid series she did last year. It was kind of eerie actually because this one piece reflected the character of Marie (from "A Generation...") so perfectly. Marie is the character I'm playing; she's 10-12 years old, and is a gentle and loving person who is really imaginative, but is beaten by her father. She has this idea in the play about what she wants to happen to us after we die; she wants us to come out of our dark boxes with colorful wings, like butterflies, and be angels with beautiful wings, shaking our dust onto people on earth who need a little extra help. The butterfly motif runs throughout the play. Angela's piece was beautiful to look at, and about healing and carrying others' burdens; on the bottom is said something about angels and butterfly wings-- something that totally matched Marie's idea in the play.

Angela also told me this story. She includes a butterfly in almost everything she does because they symbolize so much for her. She told me a story about this artwork that she saw in China. In the corner was a tiny butterfly, and she asked the artist why the butterfly was so small. He said that she had noticed the most important part of the painting, and that there was an ancient legend regarding butterflies. Once there was a princess who was in love with a peasant. She of course was not allowed to marry this man, and when her father discovered that she loved the peasant, he was sentenced to death by being buried alive. The princess could not bear this, and so secretly got into the coffin with her loved one. They lay one on top of the other and died together. Legend has it that when their spirits emerged from their bodies and rose towards heaven, they were linked together, like a butterfly, each one being one side of the wings. And so the princess and her love could be one being for the rest of eternity. Angela loves this symbol, and also uses it a lot when she creates artwork about her relationship with Heavenly Father, because she wants to be one with him as well.

It was an experience so randomly beautiful, which connected so well with my character. I loved it.

Straight from visiting teaching I went to the "Bus Stop" runthrough, which was very enjoyable. I really like the show and am really glad I'm doing my 360 on this one, since I like most of the people involved. We went to Logan's house, and didn't leave til 12:30. I am so undisciplined. I realize this, but do nothing to change it, because nights are like my favorite time of day and I don't like to miss them. Stupid job. I wish I had a benefactor.

As Zach says, Peace and love.

Which perhaps we can in some degree achieve if Bush is not president again.

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves."

I have found many precious gems of insight and connection in the newly-discovered and much-loved "My So-Called Life". Logan, Sylvia, and Kevin introduced me. Angela speaks to me.

Last week was pretty bizarre. If only I could truly communicate to this journal how odd those days were. First was a series of attacks from three sides about Michael Moore, and my attempt at defending him and myself. Which led to offense. Then was the discovery of a shared crush, which still exists, but I'm getting used to it. It helps that other people know. And who knows, maybe the more I get to know him, my crush will fade. It's happened before. Fringe tech started last monday, and we continued to work throughout the week on our pieces. I ended up feeling pretty good about my show, and closer to satisfied than I've been in a long time. I needed that, as I discussed with Mary as school started. I just wasn't happy at all with "Papa..." and "Enchanted April" was just... not what I wanted. I received many compliments, which was really nice. My need for affirmation annoyingly continues. I was also asked on a blind date, arranged by Jared. I couldn't go because I was performing Saturday night, but it was nice to be thought of as a prospect for a date. I've never been asked on a blind date before, so that was new. I spent some quality time with Fringe people. Friday night we went to Emily's house, talked, played 10 Fingers of "I've never...", and made cheesecake. It was nice hanging out with some new people. Emily, Angela, Kyle, Shelby, Kevin, and Sylvia were there.

On Saturday, Sylvia and I went shoe/baby shopping, went to Kristin's baby shower, and started towards Salt Lake City with Emily to go see "Garden State" again. But, alas, we hadn't gotten very far before we were rear-ended. This unexpected event actually didn't take long, though it added more oddity to the week. There was a decaying animal on the side of the road, whose bones were bleaching in the sun. We also got a call from Logan who had seen us on the side of the freeway and wanted to make sure we were ok. He was heading to Salt Lake for an audition at Plan-B Theatre Company, which went well. We got to the movie on time, and interestingly it made me cry a lot more this time. The first time I saw it, I loved it and it totally spoke to me. But this time, whoa, it made me cry a lot. Zach, I love you.

Sunday, Sylvia, Logan and I went to Salt Lake again for Logan's callbacks. Sylvia and I just wanted to get out of town, so we went for moral support. We then went back to Logan's house where Kevin was making dinner for his and my cast, and then at 8 Fringe people came over for a cast party. We ended up staying there all through the night, and I pulled my first true all-nighter ever. No sleep at all, I just went straight to work. Then I had to write a paper, go to a voice lesson, and got to classes before I got an hour and a half nap. That night included Logan, Sylvia, Emily, Kyle, Shelby, Kevin, and myself. We watched two episodes of My So-Called Life, got permanent-marker tattooes, and Kevin read our Tarot cards. We all asked about our love lives, and it was pretty interesting. Mine basically said that at the current time I am non-volitional, with no aspirations, and my love life is going nowhere; I've given up. In the near future I'll have an abusive relationship, and my result future will be a big change, a painful separation from what I've been doing. Yikes. The reading also said that on the inside I am a very warm and loving person who will be a great wife and mother. So the reading was pretty accurate as to what's going on in the present, but the future looks rather scary. But the thing about tarot cards is that is shows the future how it would happen if I don't change things. But I can change things, I can become more volitional and change things. Interesting...

Today I skipped all of my classes and slept like crazy. Now my mission for the week is to catch up on all the stuff I haven't been doing since Fringe started. And to clean my room, which has exploded.

Life barrels on.

"Fringe is code for lack of consistency. Or training."

This blog has not flourished, but it will soon, I promise. Hopefully next week I will be able to catch up on all that has been left behind since school started. I have no idea what my last post was, but I'm in a Fringe show, a festival of short plays (supposedly ten minutes, but a couple are longer.) My show is called "Alas, Babel", written by the amazing Kevin Snow. I had auditioned for Fringe, but did not get cast. Until someone dropped out of this show, at which time they asked me to do it. Since the first rehearsal though, I've really been struggling. This has been a real challenge for me, which is a great learning experience, but it has definitely heightened my stress level. I was really afraid that we were not performing the piece the way that Kevin had intended when he wrote it, and I desperately didn't want him to be disappointed with us. Also, add to this my scary amount of lines. This piece is like a 15 minute monologue, including some thoughts which aren't very connected, therefore making the piece hard to memorize. I pretty much memorized it on Sunday and Monday, and by now (with the help of Heavenly Father I am sure) I have it all there. It's pretty amazing. We've had tech all week, and last night was the first time Kevin saw the show. And he said that we did a great job! Really, his opinion of the show is the most important for me. Tonight we had a full run through, at which time he repeaed his praises of the show. Of course, so much is due to his script, but it felt so good to get affirmation on what I was doing. I haven't really felt good about my performance in this show until tonight. I am so grateful for people who express their feelings on shows; in other words, people who honestly tell me what they think of the show and my performance. It helps so much.

Eric Samuelsen is a professor at BYU, and one that I have heard a Lot about through Logan and Sylvia. I almost feel like I know him, except that I had never personally spoken with him before. But tonight he asked Sylvia who I was, and actually complimented me! He started talking with me, which was kind of weird because he knew nothing about me, when I knew so much about him. But it made me really happy.

Huzzah for Fringe. I wish I had encouraged more people to come and see it. Now that I have seen how everything works and that I'm not going to suck, I wish I had publicized it better. Ah well. I just hope that Lindsay does come, despite her jerkiness.

So I have to go to work in an hour and a half. But first I must do my Family History project. Craziness this is. I'm not so concerned about sleep except that Fringe requires a good amount of energy.

After our run through, I went out with Logan, Sylvia, Shelby, and Kevin. It was delightful, and much needed. I've been a bit depressed lately. Partly because of a situation in which my roommate and myself like the same guy, but she totally has him; otherwise, I have no idea why I'm depressed. Maybe because my schoolwork is running away from me. That can be remedied next week.

Scattered thoughts. I'll gather them later.

Betrayal

I am a traitor of Livejournal. Embrace it.

Let me explain my title: tragic heroes are characters of high standing who fall because of their tragic flaws or mistakes. They (and the audience) realize that they will fail in their quest, but they are so driven that they strive for their objective anyway, only to be met by fate and fall. I am a tragic hero as an actor, pursuing my quest although I know that I will most likely fail. I will most likely never succeed and be able to live on my love of the arts. But I put all this effort and money into it anyway, because I love it.

And thus begins a more mature record of my life. We'll see how long that maturity lasts, as I am prone to cathartic ranting in my journal.