vegan splendor

Here is my favorite poster I ever made, which was sacrificed to the moving gods. It was for my costume design class, and the assignment was to create a research board for any character in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. So this poster includes significant phrases from the play and pictures which supports my oceanic concept. This board is for the character of Olivia, hence the mourning. It reflects period costume ideas for Olivia, a general reflection of her character, and how it fits into the concept.

I went on a walk the other day. I was in the trees, all alone, and I thought, what would I do if I met a creepy man on this trail? I'm in the middle of the woods. Creepy. It also gets so dark here that it's creepier still. There is a lot more unpopulated areas here than in Provo. But the woods were pretty. These are some sights I saw. I need a new camera.




Today I:
finished a book
agreed to nanny for a few days my niece and nephew Lily and Peter/Juma
got started on my graduate school applications
reminded my letters of recommendation people that I need them to apply to be a substitute
did laundry
made a vegan feast for the whole family

Pretty productive considering I woke up at 11, never left the house, and am still in my pajamas. Awesome. But I am going to the gym in an hour so I will be getting dressed.

I made tomato and butternut squash soup, vegetable pasta salad, and sweet potato cornbread. All from scratch. My first all-vegan meal. I can't deny that I was a little impressed with myself, I think everything turned out well. I don't think my family liked it as much as I did-- there is plenty left over for a few days of dinner. But it was autumnal, yummy, healthy, and vegan. It was all whole-wheat, and half organic. Wegmans, the best grocery store ever, has an amazing health food section. I was so impressed.

Also

Why do I go to bed at 2 every night? No matter where I am? Do I just need that much down time to myself? It's always 2.

Southern California wants to be western New York

Before I left Provo I got my first pedicure. Enjoyable. I wish I could get them regularly.

Michelle and I performed a small miracle getting all of my stuff to fit in my Subaru with room for her suitcases. I had to sacrifice my favorite poster I've ever made (I took a picture of it that I will post later), and my metal trashcan that I've had since freshman year. I was very fond of it. The drive was good. I thought it might be awful, but it was really interesting to see the different states. Wyoming-- ugly. Every other state, beautiful, especially Iowa. Good time of year for driving across the country. Visiting Debra and her incredibly adorable baby was great. Seeing Breanne at Winter Quarters was great, and a bonding time for Michelle and me. How awkward. There was a point when they told us to sit in this room as long as we wanted, and Michelle and I, separately, were just thinking "How long do I have to sit here before it's acceptable for me to leave?!" And the sisters were bearing their testimonies every other sentence. And they made the four of us tour members sing Come Come Ye Saints. But the visitors center was very interesting. My favorite part was this little Midwife's guide, it was Awesome. Check it out when you go, it's in the display in front of the oxen (which are real by the way. Their names are Star and Bright.) I also really liked the cemetery. The country really was just beautiful. I didn't enjoy driving once it was nightime where all I could see was flood lights and neon signs with gaps of black in between. But the sunsets were golden. And our hotel right on the shores of the Mississippi was pretty awesome. Michelle and I really wished we'd had time to head down to Nauvoo, but she had a wedding to get to. It would have been gorgeous. In fact, I really wish I had some more time to drive around the East right now, because, I can't say it enough, it is BEAUTIFUL here.

Road trip music of choice: musicals. Especially Big River, that is a road trip staple.

We also listened to The Nanny Diaries. I could have done way better than that woman reading it. She drove me crazy.

Being back in the East is interesting. After spending years in the desert, except for a couple of weeks in December, you forget how Many trees there are here. It was kind of overwhelming.

I'm still not used to being here, but it is gorgeous.

Before we got home, Michelle and I went to the airport for her to rent a car, where my two worlds collided. Michelle (BYU) was in the airport with me (home). It was weird. We've never been home, and friends, together. So for each other, we're BYU people, not NY people.

What have I done since I've been home? Helped my mom with incredibly detailed Primary preparations. Visited two gyms and lied that I was still a college student. Drove around with the windows down to smell that autumn/tree/nature smell. Got sucked into the mall where there is now a Sephora! I forgot how awesome a mall Eastview is. Laid in the grass-- on the lawn, because we have a lawn! I was pretty excited to realize that I can go outside and lay in the grass of our huge lawn whenever I want. Unpacked the car. Watched some TV with mom and Meg. Played Zelda.

Tomorrow: go to the singles branch here. I hope I'll like it, I'm not holding my breath though. Take a walk through the woods. Tackle the family picture collection. Probably play more Zelda-- what?

I wish I had a picture for every thought in this post.

Goodbye.

literally breathtaking sunsets
gorgeous mountains
crispy autumns
snow-blanketed mountains
trips into the mountains
spiral jetty
day after day of brilliant blue skies
sundance film festival
independence
friends

When I came here I thought you were Ugly. But now I think you're gorgeous. Except during the day in the summer, then I hate the sun as much as it hates me. I wish I'd hiked more, but I'm glad I got to explore as much as I did.

I don't want to.

Meow.

This cat is abandoned, and I want to keep it. Aunt Susan's cat had kittens, she gave them away, and the family that belonged to this cat brought her back. Sad! She is adorable and likes to sleep in the crook of my neck at night. I wish I could drive her across the country with me.

So I'm in my last of week of Utah here, and it really doesn't feel like it. I wish it did, because then I feel like I could make proper goodbyes. As it is, I will be gone before I realize it's the end.

Yesterday was my last day at work, so they got me a chocolate cake. Way nice. Unfortunately I was feeling pretty sick yesterday, but I had to eat it! It turned out alright and it was way nice of them. We got into a conversation about haunted houses. Why did I never go to a really good haunted house in NY? Were there any? I tend to think if there had been a good one I would have gone. Utah has an Abundance of them. Good ones too, I have been really really scared. Well, perhaps I found my calling. Haunted houses make bank. Back to work, I was actually kind of sad to leave it. My bosses were super nice, Really didn't want me to leave, it was such a laid back atmosphere. Oh well.

I've been having some mini anxiety attacks about going home. I'm guessing I would be having them anywhere else I'd go though. It always surprises me how home doesn't feel like home. My house does, and the hill I live on-- I like how if I'm in th car and have my eyes closed I always know when we turn onto Burnley Rise-- but the area doesn't feel like home. The atmosphere. I'm too used to Utah. I hope hope hope it is dressed in autumnal beauty when I get home and that will help me like it better. I really like Utah in the fall.

I saw my first Western this week: 3:10 to Yuma. The new one. I'm glad I saw it in Utah. I really liked it. Though I'm pretty sure I don't like westerns in general.

I spent all afternoon at the Clarks today. I love the Clarks.

While I was there Maclain did that color test with us. I am BLUE. And then the other colors, gold, green, and orange, are pretty equal with each other. I would actually like to look more into this test. I think if I were very well acquainted with it it would help me interact with others.

I have to stay in my brothers' room at home, which I don't love. It's the boys room. It always has and always will be the boys room. And since having a space of my own is so important to me, I want to change it up quite a bit, but I feel guilty about it. Chris is pretty much moved on I think, but Eric is on his mission and I'm not sure what his plans are when he comes back. If I went on a mission I don't think I'd want my room totally changed while I was gone; but I am a very different person than Eric is. I would even like to venture to paint. I think paint makes rooms look so much better. This is all up to my mom of course.

Thrilled into goth for a night

Last night for Thrillionaires we did an after-school special for the first half, and High School Musical for the second half, so we decided to be high school stereotypes. As you can see, I chose to be the goth girl, and perhaps got a little too into. At least my bank account says so. But it was very fun and I think I pulled the look off well. I got some weird looks on the street. There at the end is Hailey and me as the cheerleader and the goth girl.

On another note, I got an email last night from a girl I tried to contact at least two weeks ago. She would love me to be her roommate in Seattle. I think I would have been happier going home if I didn't have this option. Really, how many times do I have to make this decision? Thanks a lot.

I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.

I'm heading home, to Pittsford NY, on the 19th. I'm looking forward to it. It'll be hard, but in the same ways that moving to Seattle would have been hard. I'll spend plenty of quality time with family, I'll earn up some money, I'll see some plays in NYC, and I will go to the gym a lot. I will also have the luxuries of my mom's kitchen and will cook up some vegan treats. I'm excited to explore that.

My dad drew the very accurate conclusion that it feels like a step backward, but I suppose it wil only be up to me whether I go backwards or forwards. I do feel somewhat like a loser compared to some of the bold brave moves others are making, but I will make this time worth it, and I am sure I will look back at this time with positive feelings.

I was vague in my last post because I didn't want anyone to hear about the news through my blog, it would be much better hearing it from a person. But a friend from Acting Track died, Hollie Beard, in a car accident last Saturday. Tonight is her memorial.

It's been quite a week. You will not believe what happened last night during the show. The set on stage makes it so that if you walked off the back of it (the upstage part) you would fall right off the wall, perhaps about a 10 ft drop. There isn't a guard rail or anything. Well, last night, near the end of the show, a member of our cast went right off the back of it. I was at the top of the house and could not believe what I saw. Truly miraculously, the afflicted cast member only has a broken elbow and Plenty of aches and pains. So so so very lucky. Crazy.

It's my last week in Provo, and I need to make some lunch dates with people. It's nice to finally know what I'm doing.

Only heaven knows how glory goes

Life really just sucks sometimes.

We got some really awful news this weekend, and though I spent yesterday helping friends as much as I could and being fine, by the time I got home, late, all I wanted to do was have a really good cry about everything. But I couldn't, because I don't really have a home, and you can't have a really good cry if you don't have a place to be comfortable enough to be yourself.

Seriously.

VS.

Why in the world would they put my two favorite TV shows at the SAME TIME? Do they really think that's going to help anything? I'll still be watching both I'll just have to watch Grey's Anatomy online the day afterward, which stinks.

Also, as silly as this is, thinking about the upcoming television season makes me homesick for school because my TV shows used to be stuffed into my homework/rehearsal/gym schedule. And now I don't have those anymore. But Grey's Anatomy and The Office are still related, in my mind, to the homework I was suppused to be doing while I watched them, or the late hours they were delegated to because I couldn't watch them til I got home from rehearsal or a show, but I had to watch them as soon as I could. I miss school. Now my immediate future is a wasteland of unknowns instead of a set schedule of classes and the homework which accompanies them. I suppose things will be better when I eventually settle down. The sooner the better.

Odds and Ends

My feet hurt, and it hurts to look at them. One day, before I went to Denver, I lay on Amy's lovesac and she mentioned how nice my feet were. I think it went to my head. This picture was taken of my feet after I came back from Denver, and since it's blurry you can't see how callused, blistered, and sore they really were.

Well, running around at the dry hot Castle has only contributed to the problem. My feet are in an awful state and they look forward to the day of pedicure which I think must happen after the show is over. I've never had a pedicure before.

And since I never posted my pictures of Seattle, here they are. My friend Christy came with me and I am still grateful because the drive was rough as it was with the two of us. My favorite part of the journey: when my iPod ran out of batteries we played a game: see how many words to Disney songs we know. Please imagine the two of us, EXHAUSTED, after 10 hours in the car with only two gas/bathroom breaks, kind of delerious. And Christy is yelling/growling the songs out when they get too high. Hysterical I tell you. We did pretty well, I knew every SINGLE word to "Zero to Hero" from Hercules.

We had left at some ridiculous hour like 4 in the morning. I won't tell you how much sleep we had. We made it to Seattle by 5 or 6 so we could see a production of Uncle Vanya at the Intiman Theatre. It was SO GOOD.





I had never seen Chekhov performed (outside of a classroom) before, so I was a little nervous that my first experience with performed Chekhov would be a bad one, since it's so hard to do. But it was so so so good. Everyone was spot on. It was so funny and so sad. There were silences which lasted and transitions from scene to scene that were GORGEOUS and moved the story along in themselves. They were amazing. It was directed by the same man who did Light in the Piazza and I am now a wholehearted fan. It was almost perfection, I honestly have almost no criticisms and the ones I do have are small. Costumes, GORGEOUS. Set, GORGEOUS. Music, GORGEOUS. The woman who played grown-up Amy in the movie of Little Women played Elena, she was good.

The trip included an evening at Golden Sands (or something) beach. It's the only sandy beach close to Seattle and it was beautiful. We brought chinese food and free firewood to build a bonfire on the sand.



We also spent an afternoon in a park on Capitol Hill. There was a rapunzel tower, lots of grass, an Asian art museum, a conservatory with Beautiful flowers, Oren's awesome shirt, Shakespeare in the Park, and the cherries I'd bought earlier at the locks. Delicious.


My pictures are all out of order and I'm too lazy to fix that. Sorry. We also visited the very first Starbucks while we were at Pike's Place Market. There's another picture down below somewhere...





Christy does not like seagulls. There are, understandably, many in Seattle. The Seagull is the state bird of Utah.
Everyone who goes to Seattle should go on a ferry ride. They're pretty cheap, and the trip to Bainsbridge Island is lovely, only half an hour, and you get to walk around in Bainbridge. There was a bookstore there that I LOVED, and a really tastey diner/cafe. What a lovely morning. This was on the first day and I was in love with Seattle already.




I really wished I had some reason to buy flowers at Pike's Place because they were so beautiful and they were wrapped in brown paper.

I actually should have taken more pictures, there were plenty of opportunities and Seattle is gorgeous. It was also sunny all weekend long, lucky me. But I was focused on getting the Feel of things, seeing if it fit and absorbing all of the neighborhoods that I could. I LOVED Seattle. Do you ever go places and you wonder how you didn't grow up there? It just fits you. That's Seattle for me. I also loved, as silly as it may sound, how hidden away it felt. It seemed like Seattle was a well-kept secret, hidden behind mountains, trees, beyond wide waters. I want to live there someday, and I want everyone I know to come visit me there when I do because it's beautiful and I want everyone to experience it. It doesn't feel like a big boisturous city, but it's a very well-educated city. My cup of tea. Here's what you need to do when you come:

ride a ferry
go to Pike's Place
eat some sea food, preferably on the pier so you can gaze out at the water
spend some quality time in a non-chain bookstore (there's another in pioneer square which is great)

I'm sure I'll come up with more. Spend some time in a boat would be on the list if I had a boat.

On a different note, I've been in Borders for a while. I used to prefer B&N to Borders, no question about it. But I've got to say that at least here in Provo/Orem, I prefer Borders. Here are a few reasons: less crowded, more organized, much better film collection, quieter, more low-key (sometimes I feel B&N is snooty), and you don't have to pay for tampons in the bathroom, how nice is that?! Bottom line, they are both still chain stores.

And in defense of B&N, I have roots/memories there and their theatre section is much better.

Odd. and the end.

I am HOT

I can't believe how hot it is. Every. Day. I wake up hot (Aunt Susan doesn't have air conditioning.) I shower and feel refreshed, but soon get hot again as I blow dry and straighten my hair. Very hot things around my face. I get some relief at work where I am usually cold, but any forray to the car brings the sweat trickling back. And then the Castle. Oh the Castle. The Castle soaks in the sun all day, the amphitheatre essentially becomes a brick oven. If I show up with my hair nicely fresh and smooth, it soon becomes slightly frizzy and wonky. Not to mention the sweat which trickles down my back. I know. Gross. Welcome to my life. I think I sweat more post-gym revolution. Throughout the show I sweat. My shirt is pretty well soaked by the end. Gross. And I'm writing this on my public blog why? The heat has fried my brain.

Today I went to Swiss Days in Midway and it was HOT. I couldn't believe how much I sweat. I actually didn't feel that hot, but the sweat seeping from my pores was more than enough to convince me of how hot it actually was. Someone in my cast doesn't sweat, and I can't tell you how jealous that makes me.

So instead of going back to my aunt's house, (though I really should take a nap in that hammock of hers), I am here at Borders, paying for internet. Because I LOVE the internet and I hate not having it at my beck and call any time of the day or night.

I'm off on a rocket ship prepared for something new

I'm off on a rocket ship ecstatic with the view
I am scared of the things that are coming
And I want for the things I don't have
Cannot stand to be one of many
I'm not what they are
Guster's "Rocket Ship"

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I am sitting in my aunt's hammock outside of her house typing because I don't know what the hell to do with my life.

I also hear a steady meowing coming from the inside of the house and I am sure it's got to be disturbing somebody.

I love hammocks. They are good for the body, soul, and mind.

So I thought I had a plan. And I thought the plan was good. I felt good about it, it seemed to make sense with my life goals. I prayed about it a lot, felt good about it in that way. And now, for a good few days now, I am thrown into conflicted turmoil. Seriously. I thought before, "well I prayed about it and felt like this is what I'm supposed to do so as long as I do everything I can, something will work out." It's not. The thought of moving to Seattle is Terrifying. I will have no friends and be completely alone. Can we say depressing? Yes, I love the city, but it's not like I'll be living downtown when I move there. If only. Still, it's the best choice for moving my career/life along.

I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack any time now.

I've been scouring Craigslist every day looking for something which may work since the LDS route did not come to my aid. I found this place which I think may be all female. It's in West Seattle, so it's a little bit off the beaten track, but it's a month-to-month lease, meaning I could look for something better while I'm there. Sounds pretty good. So why haven't I called? I don't know. What's wrong with me? Am I just scared of leaving? I don't think so. I think if I could find a good LDS place I'd be sold on it instantly. And I know I can't stay, I wouldn't want to stay, it wouldn't be the same and I don't like half the people in Utah. So what's stopping me? I know God's not going to find me a place to live without my making an effort, so this is me making an effort and I'm stopping myself. Some may think I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like there's a reason I'm not calling this place. I just don't know what it signifies.

I think life would be so much better if I was doing this WITH someone.

Some options:
1) I go home. This is a good idea because I have no money. I could save up so that I could be truly independent. This is by far the easiest choice (though how lame is it to do something just because it's the easiest?). Some may say the most responsible. I don't want to do this because I think I'd be depressed. I wouldn't have any friends there so I'd be constantly doing things by myself, I would also not be pursuing my career which would make me feel stagnant. People will look at my resume and be like, Why haven't you been doing anything for the last year? That's a problem (really, people look at things like that, they want to see steady work). I wouldn't have any acting opportunities, that's a big con to this plan. I also feel that going home would be detrimental to my relationship with my parents, as sad as that may be. Please, if either of you are reading this, don't be offended. I can't live with most of the people I love the most. Also, it would be detrimental to my church relationship because I feel like my mom would have the hawks eye on me, be checking up on me all the time, etc. I know, many of you may be rolling your eyes at this but I have a stupid, adolescent streak of "if you tell me I have to do this I will not/won't want to do it." Stupid but true. Right now, church just needs to be my thing and no one else's. So the acting, parents, church things are really big, important cons. But going home would still be the easiest. The luxury of not paying for my food or board sounds like a dream. Until I think about the cons.

2) I go to Seattle. I might be miserable living wherever I am, but I could eventually move. I will be miserable because I will only have one friend up there. I will eventually find new friends, but for the first while life will really suck. It will be really hard for me. But I will be striking out on a path which I think will be helping my career along, as slowly as it may be. I don't have a job there, but I could find one. This option takes a LOT of effort on my part, but I think that in a year from now it will be rewarding. I will be able to have a lot of audition opportunities. While I'm waiting to go to grad school I will be living someplace Gorgeous. I love Seattle, but I feel a lot of anxiety about going there. A LOT. Perhaps that's just because of the living situation, which I've felt here in Provo, and I know that that wasn't a sign I shouldn't be here, I just don't like when I don't know where I'm going to live.

3) I go home and apply for jobs in NYC, at which time I will move to NYC. This idea is a little farfetched, but this may be the best time to take advantage of any advantage I'd have being Catherine's sister. A direct reference from an employee is always a good thing. I think I would enjoy working at the library a lot and I think I'd be good at it. BUT I think if I moved to NYC at this point, I would not be an actor. As I've already decided, I should have an equity card before I make the move to NYC. I do love NY, but it just might not be my time yet. This would be a good In the Meantime plan before I go to grad school, except that I would not be beefing up my audition skills which is what I need to do.

A possibility: I go home, save up for a year, and then go to Europe. Kind of irresponsible, but it's something I could do now when I have no connections tying me down. I love Europe and want to go back so badly.

I am terribly conflicted and am therefore kind of pissy. If God would just tell me what to do, I'd do it. I've already made this decision a couple of times in favor of Seattle, but I cannot deny the anxiety I feel about it. But I don't think I feel GOOD about anything right now, so everything's just a tangled mess of emotion and stress.

And I don't like living in someone else's house. Especially when relations come over and you know you're being slightly rude by staying in your room/out on the hammock but you just don't want to deal with anyone you don't know right now. Polite conversation is amongst my least favorite things in the world.

Sidenote: while I'm backstage during Julius Caesar, I keep imagining different scenarios in which I encounter a rattlesnake. If you heard a rattle, right by you, would you immediately run away, or would you freeze perfectly still? How long would you stay still? Would I be able to pinch the snake's head to get it's teeth out of me if it bit me? I would most likely scream despite the play.

Also, why am I tired ALL THE TIME? I have gotten enough sleep since Wednesday, and I don't DO that much until the show. I should have plenty of energy. I kind of disgust myself.

and let slip the dogs of war

That's my favorite line of Julius Caesar. One of my favorite parts of doing a show at the Castle is seeing these beautiful sunsets as a backdrop for our scenes:







I wish I could get some good shots of the whole show, but of course I am in it, so that's not possible. There were only a couple of points where I could sneak back into the seats to get these. The show is going fine, though our audiences have been rather disappointing so far. But I feel good about what I do, so I really can't ask for much more than that, can I? Casca has this whole backstory and progression which I doubt anyone really catches. But let's just say for a couple of things, that there's a reason why only Mark Antony and myself are wearing the same clothes on the second day in the Senate, I can't eat dinner with Cassia because I have a date with Cinna, I resent being involved in the war as soon as we've killed Caesar but there's nothing I can do about it unless I want to be killed, Cinna pays attention to Lucia which pisses me off, and Brutus is the only honest person I know. He's the real deal. Which is how I end up where I do. Oh drama. I love Casca, and I love her progression throughout the show. There's always something going on with her.

I love Utah sunsets. And I love seeing them from the Castle. Even though it's freaking HOT up there.

Backstage on Saturday, I went to sit down on the ledge by the box office turret. I heard a rustling, looked over, saw a baby rattlesnake! 6 feet away from me! For those who do not know, baby rattlesnakes are more dangerous than adult rattlesnakes because they cannot control how much venom they release. I am a little ashamed to say that I called for the nearest boy. We all stood around, looking at it. It was right by our stageleft entrance, so we needed to do something about it. Someone got near it with a pole and it rattled at us. It moved fast. I was a little scared. I've never seen a rattlesnake before. After a few minutes Rodger parted the crowd to save the day. He took a broomstick out of the turret and, after a few tries successfully flung the rattlesnake over the ledge. I don't know what we would have done without Rodger.

One rattlesnake and one tarantula sighted at the Castle this year. I didn't see either during Macbeth.

I'm staying at my Aunt Susan's house now. I love Aunt Susan, but no matter whose house it is I do not love staying in other people's houses. I constantly feel like I have to creep around. Which I'm sure isn't necessary, I just feel that way. And since Aunt Susan doesn't have wireless, I would love to blog way more than I do, but that won't be happening. My blogs would also, probably, be of better quality. Not just an update on my life.

I can't wait to have my own place again. Unfortunately, who knows when that will be. All the bulletins on the Institute housing list for Seattle are out of date. Fabulous. Really helpful.

I am a photo editor at a picture website company.
Things about my job which I love: I can go in whenever I want. They're way laid back. I can listen to my iPod all day long. I'm doing something that actually has a connection to something I have a passion for.

Things about my job which are no so desirable: I see dead people and it makes me nauseous. I see dead animals (lots of hunting pictures) and it makes me feel nauseous. I see lots of naked children which is awkward. I see LOTS of badly framed pictures and it kind of makes me angry. I would say that 1/10th of the pictures I see are good pictures. Since I listen to my iPod all day, I am THOROUGHLY sick of all the music on there.

I am pretty troubled about my housing situation in Seattle.

Beautiful

But I was SO GLAD Sabra won. She deserved it.

The little foxes

I don't understand why the judges didn't like it, I loved it.

Every day is a moving day

It is ridiculous what I am giving away to D.I. I hate throwing some of this stuff out, but I am being scrupulous since my move to Seattle will be difficult enough without a TON of stuff that I just enjoy sometimes rather than need. I mean, I don't need a ball. I just like to have one around in case I feel like kicking it. Or a strawberry rug, it's been spread on my floor since freshman year, but I don't NEED it, so it's going. I wouldn't say I'm a packrat. I'd just say that I'm a potential scrapbooker, damn good collager, and an actor who feels the need to keep every bit of clothing or accessory because it very well might come in handy one day as a costume piece. I know I've been feeling the wrath of the purger within since I could really use a couple of clothing pieces in Julius Caesar which I threw out a few months ago. Half of my shoes are going, but if I haven't worn it in a year, it's gone no questions asked. I have enough to carry what with a TV, bookcase, chair, plus my many odds and ends. Moving is going to get a lot more difficult once I invest in a bed.

I hate moving. I kind of really like the purging part, but the uprooting part sucks. I hate feeling like I don't have a home, where I belong no matter what. MY space. I don't think I'll have that again til I get to Seattle. Ug.

It's Thursday. I'm supposed to be out on Saturday. Whereto? I am not at all sure. Lots of rehearsal time and work time come between me and being prepared to move somewhere on Saturday. I'm feeling a little stressed. And by a little I mean immensely.

Another of my favorites from last week.

One of my favorites from last week.

Since graduation I've been expecting realization to finally hit me. It's kind of starting to. Tonight we had a little going away party for Slate and as we were leaving, I was totally nonplussed. I remember at the end of my last summer in Pittsford how we all knew that we were going to go off and change and things wouldn't be the same, going to college was this momentous thing and there were plenty of tears; but I think that right now I kind of am thinking they're going to be the same. I can't believe they won't be, so I'm fine. I think I'm going to see Slate next week, as usual. Probably because I'm still here in Provo. Things are starting to hit me, but I'm expecting a real crash when I get to Seattle and realize that my support system of friends is now dispersed across the country. As soon as Slate was gone I remembered that I wouldn't be seeing him again. Possibly for years. And it seems so weird, he's always been here. I mean, he hasn't, that's a silly thing to say, he got to BYU a couple of years after I did. I don't know. I guess he's been very much a part of my life the past year so that's why it's really weird. Even though we've been good friends for a relatively short period of time, he's gotten deeper than a lot of people. Which maybe wasn't always a good thing. But he's one of those friends I depend on. I really can't imagine my life without a certain number of people in it. Physically. Seeing them and interacting with them-- however small that interaction may be-- every few days or so.

I have these little flashes of realization, and then I submerge back into normal happy life. Kind of a fake fantasy. Though it's not like I should mope around, changes happen.

It's getting to be back to school time again and I'm getting a little depressed-- a little jealous of the students I see around me buying school supplies and back-to-school clothes. I'm jealous that they still have college time and that I don't get any more.

I don't like change. I think I'm going to fall apart a little when I get to Seattle. I really don't like change. This is part of the reason why a husband would be such a nice thing to have! He would always be with me.

I don't like not having my friends about me. And I don't want to make new friends. I'm happy with the ones I have and I don't want to make any more. Not to mention that it took me a few years at BYU to get really firm friends, friends who have gotten past the skin.

I don't like this. And I don't like what it forebodes. I think there are going to be some hard times. I've made it this far so well, but the time is coming. I think this summer has been a really nice respite.

How do we so calmly and casually say goodbye to someone we may not see for years? Possibly for the rest our lives? But what else can you do? A hug, a couple of words, that is all that signifies the end. No climax, no mounting music, no meaningful speeches. It happens so fast. I'm left thinking there must be more. But all there is is Goodbye. Good luck. I love you.

Series of the summer

Last summer was Sex and the City and Six Feet Under. This summer I started watching The West Wing for actor research and now I'm hooked. Julius Caesar is contemporary and I know very little about anything remotely political, so I thought watching The West Wing would give me a much better feeling of atmosphere, attitude, costume, business, etc. I watched the pilot and understood maybe 90% of what was going on. A few days later I gave it a second chance and now I am absolutely hooked. I can't stop watching! Unfortunately my roommate has seasons 2 and 3, so there's not much stopping me from watching episode after episode. And it's been great actor research material. And the writing is Great.

A close second for favorite solo.

My favorite solo of last week.

Favorite dance of last week.

Awesome Hip Hop.

You are feeling very sleepy...

Lately I have been having a really difficult time going to bed. I never want to go to bed. No matter how exhausted I am, I put off going to bed until I cannot STAND being up any longer. Even now, I was ready to fall asleep an hour ago, but I keep putting it off later and later. Part of this is surely just to do with habit. But part of this is something strange which I haven't encountered before. I think it's my bed. I kind of hate my bed. My bed should be a place of refuge. Something that I want to plunge into. Spend hours of time in. Because that's what we do. We spend hours and hours just in our beds. It doesn't matter that most of the time we're unconscious. We should delight in our beds. My bed should be inviting and comforting; something I love to give in to.

My bedding was bought the summer before my freshman year. I am embarrassed to describe how I ended up with the bedset I have. At that point in my life, I didn't know myself super well. I didn't know all of my preferences, what I liked, what my style was. And I was incredibly afraid of being labeled Uncool at college because I had unusual/uncool bedding. Of course, I had no idea what 'cool' bedding was. Now, I couldn't care less what other people think of my bedding. I know what I like and I am confident and unashamed of my style. But back then I was very concerned with what others thought of me. So I picked something very safe. Periwinkle and green plaid.

Now, this bedding certainly isn't ugly, and it has been fine for me. It just matters that it's there, not that it's the perfect bedding for me. Until now. Now I hate my bed. I don't know if it's the design that I hate or just the fact that it is the consequence of how little I knew myself 5 years ago. It is the embodiment of my concern for other people's opinions of me. It isn't an expression of me. And a self-conscious, safe, lack of confidence is not what I want to wrap around myself at night for 8 hours at a time. I would rather sleep on the couch.

The best number from last week. Mia again.

A little taste of trapeze.

We obviously weren't as advanced as these actual students of NTC. In the second segment, that's Susannah who graduated from BYU.

"This book is so awesome! This book can do anything!"

Harry and the Potters



A picture is worth a thousand words. I'll be back later.

My 2nd favorite dance from last week.

My favorite dance of last week.

Don't let your expectations get too high...

I Loved it. I was expecting to at least dislike it, if not hate it. But I loved it. I am so glad the director is doing the next one too, I really hope that doesn't change. Even though they left plenty out of the film, I thought the adaptation was great. It captured the spirit of the book which is something only the third one has had for me so far. I think everyone acted better, especially Daniel Radcliffe, I am so relieved. And he is really attractive. I feel like a pedophile. Imelda Staunton was awesome. And Helena Bonham Carter. I liked Luna Lovegood and I can't stand her in the books, so that was nice. It was pretty dark, which I LOVE. I think these stories have a tendency to go into cheesey territory, but this film did a very nice job of avoiding that trap. It made me cry. I don't think it made most people cry though. I loved how this film managed to really integrate Harry Potter into our world, if that makes sense. It felt more real to me. I mean, that goes away as soon as you get to Hogwarts, but it was set up really nicely. Incredible cast. It would have been nice to spend a little more time exploring certain things like occlumency or the centaurs, but it did give the actors time to really communicate with each other, let things hit them and so forth. I felt that this director really cared about acting and communication, whereas I think in three out of the other four films, spectacle and action were greater priorities. This one had the spirit. This is how all the films (except the third) should be. Hermione's eyebrows still need to be toned down a little.

People need to learn how to turn their freaking cell phones off before a film starts. One went off right in front of me at THE worst moment in the film that it could have. I wanted to smack him/cuss him out.

I get incredibly frustrated when I love a film and other people don't. Slate and I had the OPPOSITE opinions on just about everything in the film and it kind of boggles my mind. I think, how can he possibly think this way, what is wrong with him? Though I know, other people's opinions are perfectly as valid as my own. I just can't fathom how he could be so indifferent or how we could see such different things going on with the actors. And it makes me angry. Which is silly, but it does. And I wish I could call someone else right now who saw it and who liked it and talk over all the good things about it. Instead, I write this blog, pretty vaguely so as to not ruin things for others.

I am going vegan.

I will be easing my way into it for sure though, it's going to be tough. I mean, this change may take like a year or more to actually make. I have a few days to use up the animal products I already have, and then here goes with soy milk for one. I'll have to visit my local health food store to see what they have. Also, bread is really important to me, so I'm not sure how to deal with that. I obviously have more research to do. And goodbye eating out I guess, except for salads... And protein. I am working on building up my lean muscle, which aids in fat loss, and protein is important for that. So it may take me a while to give up my protein shake. I'll have to see how this all goes, I am sure I have overseen many problems which will appear once I start trying to be vegan. But here's a consideration: sometimes I go to other people's houses for dinner. Amy's house, or somewhere for Thanksgiving or something. And I know that even being a vegetarian I often put people to greater trouble. I don't like putting other people to trouble. So perhaps I'll just be vegetarian when I eat at other people's houses? I don't know, that seems like living a double standard, I just don't want to inconvenience those who are being nice to me.

Just some thoughts

My apartment is a mess. I still haven't unpacked and kara left for a week so I have no one to be clean for but myself. And I don't mind a little untidiness. But cleaning checks are tomorrow, so I get to clean the whole place by myself.

Flirting should not be allowed at the gym. Very uncomfortable.

It's hot here.

Instead of being Calpurnia in Julius Ceasar, I am now Casca, the "it's all greek to me" guy. I feel great about that. First rehearsal is tonight. Good thing, because I've had stuff to do every night this week but tonight, and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Living alone is great so far, except for at night.

I've enjoyed my wee break, but come on now, I need a job. My temp agency is not coming through on this one. And my sleeping schedule is way off.

Another friend from high school is getting married soon. Yikes, I expected BYU friends to get married, but high school friends? That makes me feel weird.

Makes me want to dance.

Sorry about all of those dance videos, I really just put them up there for me so I can watch them over and over again. I love So You Think You Can Dance?. And I really love that first dance I posted. If nothing else, watch that one. Mia Michaels is freaking awesome, and those performers were gorgeous. Since I posted it on here I think I've watched it at least ten times. This show makes me wish I could dance so badly! I really do want to find an afro-cuban dance class to take.

Sidenote: I'm on facebook now, and it took up way too much of my time today, but it's awesome seeing where people from high school are at.

Triplets of Belleville dance

Alright, since I found all those other favorites, I couldn't leave this one out.

the second-best group number

I loved last season.

the best group number.

Georgia On My Mind

Oh that Travis.

season 2 memories

Lex, Christy, and I watched some SYTYCD? tonight and reminisced about last season, which got me thinking... this is another Mia Michaels piece which I loved.

I love this dance.

I saw this dance three weeks ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. Skip to the dance, it's beautiful. I've watched it many times. Thank you, SYTYCD?

Into the West

The last week of the Intensive was Monologue Week. Which made things a lot more relaxing. No scenes to find, no plays to read, recording every detail that may pertain to your character, no rehearsals with your scene partner, no character work-- because I've already done it all. All of my monologues were prepared, which made my life a lot easier.

Monday I did Henry VI for Larry and Jennifer. It went alright, but it needs some work for sure. Jennifer was definitely harder on it than Larry was.

Tuesday I did Summer and Smoke for Larry and Daniel. Larry loved it. He thought I'd played the role before and when I said I hadn't he was surprised and said "well you've definitely done your homework very well. You know her." Also "you know how to turn the poetry of Tennessee Williams into beautiful conversation." He didn't really have anything negative to say, and I felt really really great. Later that day I did it for Daniel, and he was not so complimentary. Daniel scares me. Still. Again, he's the one that auditions us in February so that definitely makes him intimidating. But he knows his stuff, watching him coach other people's monologues that was clear. He's clear, concise, knows what he wants, and most of the time I totally agreed with the changes he made. I hope I responded well to coaching, it was kind of terrifying to be up there, and I felt like crap afterwards, but I at least hope I showed that I take direction.

Wednesday I did Grey's Anatomy for Jennifer and she liked it a lot. She told me she might steal it for someone, which I don't like so much, but it is complimentary.

Thursday I did Grey's Anatomy for Larry, who thought it was great. I felt good about it and decided to use this piece for the showcase. It's fun, doesn't really require much effort, just that I have fun with it.

We also had an audition class with Daniel this week where he told us exactly what we should do, moment to moment, when we audition for him. That's pretty awesome. If only I had that for all the schools.

Viewpoints was also this week. Fun stuff. As with most of the classes, I wish we had more time!

Our last day of Trapeze was this week and someone fell off! It was the very last thing we were doing, and pretty simple. Reggie (who is probably the most muscular guy in the class, and he's been one of the best on trapeze) and I were the last couple to do the swing we were working on, and his hands slipped and he fell, head first to the floor. I think his hair cushioned him, but he couldn't remember how he'd gotten onto the floor. A little scary. Class ended with a bang, but Reggie just had a concussion and was fine the next day.

Our last day of class, I went to the Market to get a muffin for lunch. I have loved the Market. It's delicious and has a lovely atmosphere. If you ever go to Denver, eat here for sure! It's on Larimer Square, easy to find. Bakery and cafe in front, farther in the back, LOTS of choices for real food. Here are a few pictures:





I wasn't nervous for the showcase on Friday afternoon until I got there and sensed everyone else's nerves. I think if Daniel hadn't been there I wouldn't have been nervous. And it turned out I had to go second to last which Sucked! Then I could spend the rest of the showcase just getting more nervous. I wish I could have gone earlier. But it was fun to see the work of the other class, since we've never gotten to see them act.


My class, the Sullivans. The other class is definitely more spastic than we are. They're more musical theatre. Not all of them, and we have crazy moments too, but collectively, they're just crazier than we are. I'm glad I was a Sullivan.

After the showcase (which was in the Jones Theatre, a nice little intimate theatre), they provided champagne for us. We toasted, mingled, and headed home to pack before our festivities of the night. Larry gave everyone a kiss on the cheek, I just love him. I would want to come back to this program just for him.


Here are two especially friends. We all lived by ourselves, so we bonded and spent many nights hanging out together. I got them hooked on SYTYCD? Vanessa on the left, Erin on the right. Vanessa lived right across the hall from me. Everyone who'd gotten drunk on the champagne became sober again in time to head back out to the bars and drink again. Here are Vanessa and Erin with Baby Guinesses. And we're sitting at the bar, for my first time. Other nights at the bar have been around tables, so I insisted we sit at the bar since it was just us. There are some interesting shots out there, this experience included Chocolate Cake shots (you drink it and then bite into a sugared lemon slice and it supposedly tastes like you're biting into chocolate cake, crazy), the Baby Guinnesses, which apparently look like Guinness but taste good, and Red Headed Sluts which have cranberry juice? grapefruit juice? I don't remember. They're pinkish red from something. I've learned a lot about different alcoholic drinks and bar culture during my time here, I've asked many questions. Then, at 10:30, we headed to Mynt. Laurence, who was our Hip Hop teacher, works at this club so he said he would get the couple of underage students in and provide drinks for all. Lucky me. This was the big group party, most of the students were there. It was also my first time clubbing. It was kind of crazy, but more fun than I expected.

And yesterday was the long drive westward. I made it to Amy's before the sun set, which was my goal. I listened to the 6th Harry Potter book the whole way, and missed the watermelon which I'd had on the way there. It was also less pretty. Probably just because I'd seen it before so it wasn't new. But very uneventful, which was great. It took 8 hours to get from my apartment to Amy's house. And despite the long drive, I preferred 8 hours driving to a few hours in the airport/on the plane.

Oh yeah, yesterday morning I drove Amber home, who'd slept over. She lives in a house in a neighborhood of Denver and it was so cute. If I ever move to Denver, I would love to live there. The houses were all different, which is so nice to see after Utah where every house in a neighborhood look exactly the same.

Conclusion: I'm so glad I went. I learned so much and met some awesome people. It was a really different experience than anything else I've done. I love Denver Center, I love the program, I love the teachers. The teachers are so good; they're smart, passionate, great teachers, active in their fields. I especially love Larry and Hillary. I love how they coach pieces, emotion isn't the most important, that will come if you're communicating the words that are given to you and really actively pursuing your objective and playing your actions. The program is so intelligent. And it includes theatre history and theory which I love. I love that trapeze is part of the program. I feel like this program is so well rounded. I feel like the people there are really working to create the kind of theatre here in America and for America that I have seen and loved in London. I loved living and working with the diverse group of people I was with. It was challenging, uncomfortable at times, but I feel like I learned a lot through the experience. And it was really enjoyable to be around such a diverse group of people who had theatre at their heart. I also learned a lot just living outside of Utah for a while. I feel like I have learned so much in the last month not only about acting but about life, myself, and interaction.

I can't wait to write my report for the grant BYU gave me. I recommend this program whole heartedly.