Tis a face like no other's... or not

I couldn't resist trying out www.myheritage.com after I saw the results of Chris's and Matt's pictures. They analyze your face and tell you which celebrities you most resemble. My results were very complementary. Being at home, without my laptop, I was limited picture-wise, but I found a couple of pictures from earlier posts that might work. So first I tried this one:

My results were the following:
Drew Barrymore-- 64% Not my favorite actress...

Zhang Ziyi-- 60% Very popular right now.

Norah Jones-- 60% A soulful songstress.

Mae West-- 58% A classic.

Kate Winslet-- 58% One of my favorite actresses! Now I'm really flattered.

Tennessee Williams-- 55% Famous playwright, I can deal with that.

Cameron Diaz-- 54% I don't exactly like her choices or her work, but she is considered pretty hot.

Therese of Lisieux-- 52% A French saint, dubbed The Little Flower of Jesus.

Ava Gardner-- 51% Another classic.

Katie Holmes-- 51% Droopy Eyes? Urgh.

I tried again with my Macbeth picture:

I was a little afraid of what my results would be with this one, but they were again mostly very nice. They included Naomi Watts, Richard Strauss, a couple of famous French actresses, Sammy Davis Jr., Lucille Ball, and Kirsten Dunst.

"This is wanting something, this is praying for it, this is holding breath, and keeping fingers crossed."

Dear blog, I think I've been avoiding you. We've certainly had a different relationship since my family started reading. I just wrote an email that included some things that would once have belonged here, but I think that in writing, they would be taken the wrong way.

Life has been a little unusual lately, and I think that to a certain degree I've been evading dealing with some things. To rationalize, I call this living with them. And maybe living with them is truly what I'm doing, and it's not a bad thing to do. But I have been, in general, a little unhappy lately, and I don't know why. I don't mean to paint the picture that I'm moping around, because there certainly is much happiness as well. I just don't feel like my usual happy self, and I figure that there are reasons for that. I just can't analyze them, because I can't distinguish what this mess is on the cluttered floor of my thoughts where you can't move or you'll step on something.

Maybe it's because a close friend died. After all, I've never dealt with something like that before, and who gets it right on their first try? I'm guessing, and that's all. It's been difficult. There are regrets. There's wishing, there's praying, there's avoidance, there's self-doubt. If I'm pretty sure that she's forgiven me, and I've forgiven her for varoius things, why am I still plagued by them? There's thinking you've put something away, where it goes, only to find yourself stumbling over it in the dark on your way to bed. Maybe this is all because I think too much and have a subconscious desire to make my life more dramatic than it actually is. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. And not in the friendly way. Maybe it's because I've been patient and worked hard but have yet to land that role and be given that opportunity to challenge myself no matter how hard I've fought for it. Maybe it's because I haven't worked as hard at certain things lately as I should have.

School ended and I came home-- for the first time in a year. As usual, it was anti-climactic. You'd think I'd learn that it's always a bigger deal to me than anyone else. It's been nice to just be completely comfortable with people who've known me my whole life-- even if I don't think they really know me anymore. They certainly know a lot more about the face value of my past than anyone else. And they definitely see a different side of me than a lot of other people. It's nice to be here, I missed this place and I missed my family. And I missed the East. Even the air is different.



"To me it's like the most familiar tableau I know:
So much wanting something,
So much reaching for it,
So much wishing just to have one moment back.
So much being patient,
So much blind acceptance,
I know, no I don't know."

~The Light in the Piazza

"But faith is hopin' for something, believing what you can't see..."

"I wanna ask you something.
Is it warm?
Is it soft against your face?
Do you feel a kind of grace inside the breeze?
Will there be trees?
Is there light?
Does it hover on the ground?
Does it shine from all around?
Or just from you?

Is it endless and empty,
Can you wander on your own?
Slowly forget about the folks that you have known.
Or does rising bread fill up the air
From open kitchens everywhere?
Familiar faces as far as you can see,
Like a family.

Do we live?
Is it like a little town?
Do we get to look back down
at who we’ve known?
Are we above?
Are we everywhere?
Are we anywhere at all?
Do we hear a trumpet call us and we’re by your side?

Will I walk,
Will I whisper all the things I should have done?
Longing to finish what I’ve only just begun.
Or has a shining truth been waiting there
For all the questions everywhere?
In a world of wondering,
Suddenly you know.
And you will always know.

Will my momma be there
waiting for me?
Smiling like the way she does,
And holding out her arms
As she calls my name.
She will hold me just the same.

Only heaven knows how glory goes.
What each of us was meant to be.
In the starlight,
That is what we are.
I can see so far."

"How Glory Goes" from Floyd Collins. Don't just read it, go listen to it.

I was stirred out of my comfortable, dark, ignorant sleep this morning by the vibrating of my cell phone. I almost ignored it, preferring to remain curled in my whorl of sheets and fuzzy blanket. But I creaked out of bed and scurried over to my jeans left on the floor from yesterday, in the pocket of which lay my phone, urgently vibrating. My friend didn't sound happy, and though I knew my voice betrayed my sleeping habits, there were no apologies for waking me up. Something was wrong. Last night one of my best friends passed away. Katie Renville was in a car accident with her mom as they were driving back from Oregon.

My mind refused to absorb this new truth for a few minutes, but it eventually sunk in.

And thus began a day spent calling friends, telling them, in my turn, this unpleasant truth, and listening to their first few painful minutes of struggling to make this fact a reality in their minds and hearts.

I love Katie. With all of my heart. And so you would think I'd be a wreck. Several people have called, checking up on me, offering to do anything for me they could. And I feel guilty for not weeping all day. But I think I've been especially blessed with comfort and peace. I don't know why, but I'm grateful for it. I have no real previous experience with death except for my cats, so I can't explain it by lessons learned in the past. All I know is that though I'll miss her, and wish she could have stayed in the world longer to experience everything she dreamed of, I know that she is in a good place. She's now free of the pain she's had to live with throughout her life. She'll be as active as she ever was, serving the Lord in a different way now. She knows how much I love her.

Maybe everything will catch up to me. But today I was at peace. And I think I need this calm, grounded knowledge which has been given to me for that potential future when I'm not so peaceful.

Has something really small, seemingly insignificant, but very personal ever happened to you which makes you know that your Heavenly Father is more aware of you and your feelings than you realize? An hour after my friend called, an hour I had spent alone, calling a few people and sharing the news with them, an hour spent with tears and figuring out when the last time I saw her was, my alarm clock went off. It was set to a radio station which I never listen to; my hand reacts so quickly to turn the alarm off that I never hear what it's playing and so don't care what station it's set to. This morning it was playing the sixth movement of John Rutter's Requiem. Nothing could have been more fitting, or more comforting. It seemed like a little message from God, just for me.

The Lord gives some incredible gifts. Without the gospel, and this knowledge, life and death would be so much more difficult.

I send this out into the void: Thank you, Katie. My life has been changed because of you. Since my first semester at BYU when we did our irritating scene from Isn't It Romantic?, to being stage managed by you, to our trials as roommates, I have been so grateful to have you in my life. There is no one like you. I'll miss quoting "I could throw this table at you." etc, I'll miss recognizing your laugh whenever I'm in hearing distance, I'll miss your never-ending support of me in all aspects. I don't think I've ever known anyone as supportive as you. No one has told me that they loved me as often as you did. Your ability to live with the trials life gave you was inspiring. Your unashamed originality was always a joy in my life and I'll miss your loud self. I love you.

What are men to rocks and mountains?

Beth tells me I'm very good at making myself depressed. It's true. Tonight Logan and I went to Pride and Prejudice to relive our Chatsworth experience together (the estate that was used for Pemberley). As soon as the movie started I realized how homesick it was going to make me for England. And add to that a Mr. Darcy that I love. I'm ridiculous.

Fear and loathing in Las Vegas

On Friday I left my temporary Provo home to spend a weekend in Las Vegas. I believe this sentence is supposed to stir up ideas of throwing propriety to the wind in wild abandonment, replacing a plodding, school-dictated life with a spree of lights, laughter, and irresponsibility. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so why worry about what I may regret in any other city? I can be what I want to be and do what I want to do in Las Vegas. But alas, this city of money and facade has not captured my heart in such a way. Last week I had a pretty rough time of it, and I pretty much just wanted to chill and perhaps catch up on some homework. Sometimes I do seem like the most boring person I know. I had no desire to make the effort of driving 5 1/2 hours by myself to a city I had no affection for. But I did have a desire to see a good friend, and we had tickets to a Jason Mraz concert, so go I must.

The drive was pretty uneventful, and pretty peaceful. A friend would have been preferred, but it certainly wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. It was just me, the road, and my music for hundreds of miles in the desert. When I arrived at Sylvia's apartment, I promptly locked my keys in the car. Only the second time in my life I've done it, and thanks to AAA, it wasn't a big deal. But I did have to go with Sylvia to work, where she had to play Gatekeeper for the first show while I wandered the Strip by myself. Granted, being in Las Vegas for five hours by myself probably wasn't the best way of getting to like the city. I don't know if I saw anyone else there by themselves. And what does Laura do when you set her down on the Strip with hours to play? She reads for an hour in a Starbucks, watches the fountain show at the Bellagio, and then goes straight to the only art exhibit around. But it was $12 for 24 paintings, and after seeing a plethora of any art I desired in London recently for free, I didn't feel like paying. I spent some time in the giftshop, sat down in a comfortable chair in a miraculously quiet hallway, talked to some friends on the phone, read some more, and then set back off down the Strip, back to the MGM for KA.

Feeling some homesickness for NYC, I decided to stop into the New York, New York casino. On a previous visit I had already seen the Paris and the Venetian, neither of which compared to the real thing. But I thought I might as well stop in to see what this false Big Apple was like. And again, after having bitten into the real thing, I didn't like being offered this fake, commercial Apple flavor. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I hoped desperately that all the people enjoying themselves so much around me had experienced the real thing, and wouldn't accept the casino as good enough. I looked around me, feeling overwhelmed and oppressed by how much was being wasted. Money, life, emotions, electricity, opportunities, time... Nothing that is offered on the Strip will bring you lasting happiness. It is a spree, nothing more.

Maybe it's just me. I admit that I've never been one for meer entertainment with no substance beneath. If I had my dream of a movie collection, you wouldn't see many straight-up comedies in it. Perhaps with adjusted expectations, I could enjoy Las Vegas as others do. And I'm sure that if I gambled, drank, and liked to oggle women who flaunted their bodies for the pleasure of men's eyes and imaginations, Las Vegas would offer a lot more to me. But as much as I LOVE seeing my friend, and I respect her love for her city, I don't share that love.

KA is a Cirque du Soleil show that Sylvia works at, and it was pretty amazing. I've seen some Cirque before, on video or TV and such, so I knew what to expect. This one had a story, which I quite enjoyed. It was beautiful. I've never seen such hand puppetry, and I doubt I ever will. I definitely recommend it. And it was free for me! I'm really glad I got to experience it. James Blunt, who opened for Jason Mraz the next night, was not a disappointment, though he didn't play my favorite song. I do wish the crowd would have been a little quieter during the performance, especially during the heart-breaking song about war, but not many of them knew who he was, and therefore didn't care. Jason Mraz played mostly from his most recent album, which I'm not a huge fan of. I expected this, but did hope that he would sing my favorite song from his first album, "Tonight, Not Again". But alas, he did not. He was definitely entertaining and apparently had a lot of fun performing. And he played one song from his most recent album, one which I previously didn't much like, but when he performed it it was Amazing and I felt like crying.

I feared loathing Las Vegas, and therefore the entire weekend, but I had a pretty good time once I let my many objections to the Strip lifestyle sweep on by. I'm glad I got to take off and do something out of the ordinary. My feelings towards Las Vegas remain unchanged, but I've missed Sylvia and enjoyed spending time with her. There's certainly no one like her.

"I really do have love to give; I just don't know where to put it."

~Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, Magnolia

I drove into the mountains today with no plans. As I had walked into church this morning, I looked up and saw the mountains which literally made me stop in my tracks to gaze in appreciation. It was cloudy, so the tops were swathed in mists and the trees were all sorts of colors. It looked like something from a movie which couldn't be real, but there they were in front of me! I knew I had to drive into the mountains today. First, Christie and I drove up to Squaw Peak which was gorgeous.

Afterwards, we headed up past Sundance lodge, and just kept driving, where we found amazing, huge birch trees, all with golden yellow leaves, endlessly spreading over the slopes of the mountain. It was unspeakably gorgeous. Why have I not discovered this place before? Because I needed it today. I need to go back and take some pictures-- by the time we got there it was a bit too dark for that.

It was the perfect activity for the day. I've been feeling lonesome all weekend.

"I'm all at sea
Where no one can bother me
Forgot my roots
If only for a day
Just me and my thoughts sailing far away
Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

Now I need you more than ever, I need you more than ever, now
You don't need it every day
But sometimes don't you just crave
To disappear within your mind
You never know what you might find
So come and spend some time with me
We will spend it all at sea"

All at Sea, Jamie Cullum

"has summer gone so slowly?"

Despite the boredom I encountered during the summer months, I did find some things to entertain myself. Beth and I dressed up 80's fabulous to go to a birthday party. I'm so glad I was only a child in the 80's.
Matt (Malcolm) gets into character reading some Jasper Fforde, apparently. I spent a lot of time with the Macbeth cast and crew. Now that the show's been over for a couple of weeks, I definitely miss all the quality time spent with these people. I loved watching the sun set from the hills surrounding the Castle as we put our makeup on and talked about our days. It was a great time to unwind and forget the world.
If you didn't know already, the costumes and makeup were inspired by the Goth crowd. Our witch trio grew close, and we enjoyed dressing up in high-heeled combat boots, fishnets, and tattoos. Though the boots made slinking around the Castle a little treacherous. And all of our flowing clothing struck fear into our hearts as it drifted too close to our potion fire night after night. This show was definitely one of my favorite productions I've been a part of.

Do I look like Satan's helper?
Christie (Lady Macbeth, above), Michelle (Lady Macduff), Say Jay (tattoo artist) and I became good friends during our production weeks.

Tales from the Twilight Zone

I can't say that I love my work. I really like the people that I work with, but during my shift we barely have any time to interact. I just ring up item after item after item. Not very intellectually stimulating. But there have been some bizarre occurrences, which is entirely fitting in a store of such a name.

1. The day after Peter Jennings died, my scary manager exulted: "At least he's a liberal. If the liberals keep dying like this we'll have killed them all off and we won't have to deal with them on our news anymore!" I couldn't believe my ears. Oh how I wanted to look up and say simply, "I am a liberal."

2. A young man asked me if there were any caffeinated drinks in the store. I told him no, BYU didn't sell anything caffeinated, and that the nearest source of caffeinated soda was J. Dawgz. He looked at me, slightly puzzled, and asked if this was a catholic school, or a mormon school or something. Was he abducted and dropped off on an unknown campus? I asked where he was from and what he was doing here. He said he was from California, and "just looking around". What did he think of BYU? There were a lot of people.

3. During Education Week, a notebook was left near my register. I did as Chris Clark would do and snooped inside. It was completely empty except for four steps written on the first page:
1) Listen actively. Oh, this could be about acting.
2) Be romantic. Hm, I guess not.
3) Kiss slowly. The moment when I started giggling.
4) Girls like the gentle touch. Well I happen to know several girls who dream about being handled roughly. With this last step, I cracked up and unashamedly showed it to all of my coworkers. I had been well rewarded for my snoopy ways.
What is more disturbing, that this guy felt the need to write these steps down for his future relationships, or that BYU was providing a class that taught these steps?

4. The bookstore sells the oh-so-popular undershirts which have lace on the bottom. They're long so that girls can wear them under the stylish shorter shirts of our day, and refrain from showing stomach and back. Cute and modest, perfect for the bookstore, yes? One of my managers, Phil, was accosted by an older woman who was hunting for the head manager of the bookstore. She held one of these undershirts on a hanger and thrust it into Phil's face, demanding to know "Do you know what this is?!" Phil, stating the obvious, replied, "It's an undershirt." "This is no undershirt. This is lingerie!" she exclaimed, her voice dripping with disgust. "I am ashamed that the bookstore would be selling such filth!" She marched on to interrogate the manager of the bookstore. Phil returned to the floor, only to run into one of the woman's friends who was holding a distressed jean jacket. Being distressed, this jacket had some 'dirty' spots on it. The second woman thrust the jacket into Phil's face, demanding to know "Do you know what this is?!" Phil, again stating the obvious, replied, "It's a jean jacket." "These spots represent manure, which came into style when that man threw manure at the Madonna, calling it art! This jacket represents manure on the Madonna! I need to see your manager!" A few days later, one of the bookstore employees was wearing one of those lacey undershirts, and was called a "dirty whore" by a customer. Crazy old conservative women.

At our staff meeting on Thursday, we girls had to get there early for a lecture on modesty. Carol, the scary manager, urged us to wear those wonderful undershirts with the cute lace at the bottom.

" He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person,...

...to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others-- the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."

~Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

I'm the girl in the Edward Hopper picture again. Drinking coffee by myself in an empty laundromat, the reflected lights stretching into infinite abandonment.

I spoke too soon when I said that things were falling into place. I've had two major disappointments recently, and one minor one. I'm dealing with them a lot better than I would have a year ago; I recognize and truly believe that what has happened is for the best. But it still sucks.

In an effort to restructure my idea of what this semester will be, I've been trying to analyze what this crappy feeling is that lurks inside like so much green ooze. I thought it was just a mood, but perhaps I am really at a loss to define what it is that I'm doing with my life right now. I feel listless and unmotivated. What are my goals? To become a better actor, a better person, broaden my horizons, learn... On Sunday, in RS, our lesson was about the future, what to do when things don't turn out the way you expect them to, (namely, when you don't get married when you're at BYU...) One of the things which was stressed was that we should make ourselves as complete as we can, creating a strong base within ourselves; we don't need someone else to complete us. The idea of myself as a strong, independent woman is appealing. I have been trying to work on this, to make myself a more independently complete person. It doesn't work. I have heard this sort of thing in RS ever since I entered it Freshman year. I have been obedient and tried it. But life is made up of relationships. The most meaningful parts of our lives are our connections with other people. Yes, you need some strong roots, but you also need interaction with and nourishment from other people. Perhaps my problem is that everyone around me has something in their lives which drives them every day. Usually, for me, that something would be an acting class or a play. None of my classes are inspiring. As Macbeth winds down and Hamlet launches into weekly performances, I don't feel like I have a project which spurs me on, that thing which I'm passionate about, that I look forward to every day. And I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. A relationship? That would be fantastic. A new challenge I have yet to explore. But that opportunity is one of my more recent disappointments, and I don't see a recurrence anywere on the horizon.

I guess I just keep going.

"READ TO ME! I NEED TO KNOW!--

but they can't hear her from where she is, and from where she is, she can't turn the page. From where she is, the page-- her paper-thin future-- is infinitely heavy."
~Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

My life has exploded in activity. Comparing it to a month ago, I don't recognize it. Who is this person who dashes from bed to class to work to class to rehearsal to audition to performance to bed? She has hardly any time to crack open Everything Is Illuminated, she doesn't get enough sleep, and (gasp!) she hasn't watched a movie in almost three weeks! Unthinkable. It's been stressful, but it's been the good kind. I love that my stress is coming from being in two shows at once. At this very moment, I should be reading my Biology homework, but there has been so much which has evaded this blog due to my time constraints that I can't bear to let it go any longer.

I moved to my new house. I was sad to let my sister's apartment go; it had been a very peaceful and comfortable abode. But as Melanie's family forced their way in, (which of course they had every right to do), I had no time to be sentimental. I simply had to get all of my stuff out of there and clean the place between my time at work and rehearsal. I immediately hated my new place. I realized that I had been very optimistic in my first inspection of the house and imagined it to be far better than it was. I spent several days in limbo as I had no time to unpack, and the girls who had lived here previously were still camping out in the living room. I was miserable not having a wee space to call my own. I resorted to playing music from my weak computer speakers simply so I could fill the empty space with something familiar. But as I spent a couple of hours here in the daylight, I realized that the place wasn't so bad. Yes, there's mold in the bathroom, the kitchen is disgusting, my windows are broken, and whoever decorated this place before had absolutely no taste. But there's a tree outside my window which dapples my carpet with leafy shadows and whispers to me through the wind. The bathroom on the main floor makes me feel like I've stepped into the '20's. I have a balcony which is perfectly suited to serenades. There's plenty of space. My closet contains a secret compartment in which I'll leave a remembrance of myself when I leave for someone to discover in years to come. And with some patience and money on my part, I can one day make this house a pretty attractive place to live. The house feels much more mine now than it was three weeks ago, though I still haven't finished unpacking, nor do I have any pictures on the wall.

Macbeth has turned out pretty well. I was extremely anxious about all of the design elements coming together, but it worked out in the end. I also wish we (the cast in general) weren't quite so nice and polite, since we're wearing pretty rough clothing. But I'm confident in my recommendations of the show, and I am confident in my participation. I've really enjoyed working on this show. I love my cast and crew, I've learned a lot, and it has resulted in work I am proud of. I think it's my favorite production since high school.

I can't believe school has started again. Summer ended so quickly, and without any kind of farewell amidst my flurry of activity. I have never been so reluctant to go back to school as I was this year. I blame that on my lack of acting classes. I'm only taking three G.E.s (Biology, New Testament, and HEPE online), and then getting credit for Macbeth and Hamlet. Hopefully, this semester will be pretty easy. Because of work, I didn't really have time to add another class, and 3 G.E.s are more than enough for me at one time. I was also cast in A Generation Raised in Propriety. It's being done again, with a different director of course. My audition wasn't the greatest, so I was really nervous. I really invested myself in Marie last year, and I would have hated seeing someone else play that role-- I would have felt violated. But I was offered the role again! I'm really excited for it. Morag has shortened it into a one-act, and hopefully it won't require that much time to put it together. I also just auditioned for The Two Gentlemen of Verona. I really like this play and desparately want to be a part of it. I think the audition went alright, so we'll see. Do you think I'm getting tired of Shakespeare? Not a chance.

I wrote a few weeks ago that I just wanted a week where everything seemed to be going right. Well, I've certainly experienced that. Not this week, but in my recent past, things certainly have seemed to be falling into place. It was so incredible, I was half-expecting some tragedy to occur any moment. Things certainly aren't perfect, but I like where things are heading. I guess you just have to hold tight and wait, just keep doing what you're doing, and eventually the skies will clear up for you. I'm pretty apprehensive about when this lucky streak will end. Too bad I can't get a vague weather forecast for my life.

There is something which isn't going as I would like, but I happen to feel that this is the way it should be for now. So, though it kind of stinks for me, I guess I'll just have to live with it.

Robert and Shana ParkeHarrison

Looking at Rodney Smith's work, I remembered this exhibit I saw at the George Eastman House years ago. I loved it, it changed my life. www.parkeharrison.com.

I am absolutely in love.

Go explore www.rodneysmith.com.

"What good is it to live with nothing left to give...

Forget but not forgive,
Not loving all you see?"

~Coldplay's Swallowed in the Sea



My friends who watch rated R movies were all in rehearsal or working. Why was I hesitant to go to a movie by myself when I was totally willing to see shows alone in London? There was no day but today to do it, so I set off for an evening on my lonesome. With great films to keep me company, I wasn't lonely at all. As I had to go to SLC to see a certain film recommended by a friend, I might as well see the other I was dying to see but which wasn't being offered in Provo. So first I saw Millions, read for half an hour in a Starbucks, and proceeded to Me and You and Everyone We Know. As I was watching these great films, I did want to be sharing the experience with someone, but it was because the movies were so good I wanted to spread the love! On the other hand, because I was by myself, they seemed like this incredible gift just for me, which made the films really personal.



I'm bursting at the seams! All three films I experienced today are so incredible and uplifting. As I left the last theatre of the day (I watched the last twenty minutes of Howl's Moving Castle after my second film), I was filled with so much love! So much love which bounced around my car uselessly, since I had no one there to share it with. But I felt like dancing in the streets and singing as loud as I could and taking advantage of all the relationships in my life and giving all of my money to people suffering around the world and living life to the fullest and having a significant other with whom to do it all! I'm sitting in my apartment bursting with love towards everything and everyone but trying to be as quiet as possible while my roommate slumbers on in the lovesac. I want to pounce on her and make her abandon her plans for tomorrow to go to Salt Lake instead. But she is not so irrational as myself.

Go see Millions. This is a piece of advice I can give to anyone, regardless of your film taste or rating preference. (I could say the same of Howl, but I know many of you have seen it.) Search it out, I know you will love it. What makes it all the more wonderful is that it was created by the director of Trainspotting. Not everyone will love Me and You and Everyone We Know. It's one of those films you have to be careful about who you share it with, because some just won't appreciate it. It always makes me sad when people don't share my love for a film. You have to be picky with this one.

))<>((

Oh goodness.

A Testimony

I had a message on my voicemail this morning, and looked to see whose call I had missed. It was Barnes & Noble. Yes, I have B&N in my phonebook, I'm a dork. But it's turned out to be really handy as I'm out in search of a book or CD, and instead of returning home to look up B&N's number or driving to the store on the chance that they have it, I can just call on the spot. It's my favorite store, why shouldn't it be so honoured? Anway, I couldn't imagine why they'd be calling me... unless they had actually responded to my application! Indeed, they want an interview. After years of wanting to work there and applying for a job there whenever I was out of work, they have finally responded. Oh, but why not a week ago before I accepted another job?! I shake my fist at the skies. Several people have urged me to interview for this job and quit the bookstore, which hasn't even properly started yet. Believe me, I'm tempted.

As it offers tastey and expensive Starbucks products while you browse the shelves, Barnes & Noble is the combination of two corporate chains I feel I should morally dislike. I should dislike them because it's difficult to compete with the monstrous B&N and Starbucks if you're a fledgeling specialty bookstore or a local coffeeshop. But I love them both. I love how huge B&N can be, they so often have what you're looking for and so much of what you're not looking for. It combines four of my favorite things: literature, film, music, and cafes. In Matt's eloquent way of putting it, it combines the scent of books and coffee to create the delicious aroma of intelligent, East Coast life. In high school, my friends and I used to hang out at both B&N and Starbucks, talking, writing bad poetry, planning book clubs, etc. Maybe my love for these places is merely my association with good times. Partly, perhaps. For some reason, though whenever I visit B&N I spend a long time there, I never see anyone I know, or even awkwardly recognize. It's like I'm in my own world of artists. It's relaxing. And, in a self-contradicting effort to become the nonchalant chic cafe of the neighborhood, the two local cafes are trying too hard to achieve what Starbucks so effortlessly exudes. All I know is that whenever I walk into a B&N or a Starbucks, no matter where it is in the world, I get the same, comforting feeling. Like the Gospel, they're the same wherever you go.

Forget your troubles c'mon get happy, You better chase all your cares away...

Today was a good day. It's been a while. So although I know that recounting one's day in a blog is about the lamest thing you can do, I'm doing it.

It started out with an interview for a job which I didn't think went so well. I skulked back to my car pleading with the heavens for this job. I am just so desperate! At home, I settled myself down for the familiar wait for the call which would never come. I was just drifting off to a nap when my phone rang-- with a 422 number! I GOT A JOB!!! I'll be working at the candy counter in the BYU bookshop. I'll be a true candyman, so I can sing the Willy Wonka song. I took the job immediately, but there's a hitch in what I wish could be celebratory, wild abandonment. They offered me a different shift than what I applied for. I'll be working from 10:45 to 2:30 Monday through Friday, which conflicts with Young Company. I'm not really sure what I should do, but at the moment I'm waiting for my training meeting on Friday to see if anyone could cover my shifts or something. I'm hoping hoping hoping. I do NOT want to quit Young Company. I think it would kill a small part of my soul if I had to give up theatre for cold hard money. And I would be appalled and ashamed by my behavior; dropping a show after being committed for months is unacceptable. But I need this job. I'll just have to make it work out.

I spent the day reading, (Atonement by Ian McEwan), and then started the movie which came in the mail today from Netflix: Little Voice. I was really liking it, but tore myself away to go to my first Hamlet rehearsal. It's such fun, I love being in this group. I moved on to my Macbeth rehearsal which was supposed to consist of our first full runthrough. But, due to missing cast members, we worked on some witch scenes and then moved on to animal imagery! I loooove this technique of exploring character.Perhaps because one of my favorite games as a kid was to just pretend I was an animal. As soon as I decided on my animal (a wolf who had been shunned by her pack), I immediately saw changes. It was exhilerating, and I can't wait to get back to rehearsing. I love this feeling. I love acting.

And then back to the movie. I loved it! Jane Horrocks is my hero. And her name was Laura! I wish I had a Judy Garland film in reach to watch immediately. I love when you watch a movie you know nothing about, and you unexpectedly Love it. It's such a delight.

I also love when you're really hungry and food, even if it's as simple as bread, tastes so much better than it usually does.

I love unexpected connections in life. It makes me feel like my life truly is cohesive and means something.

I love being part of a group of people who are behaving like animals on the grass as a bridal party passes, staring.

I love how incredibly wonderful going to bed feels after a filled and exhausting day.

I love watermelon.

I love DVDs. I love their incredible quality of picture and sound. I try to avoid videos at all costs.

I love that I can trust that everything will work out. If I didn't have this comfort to fall back on, I would worry way too much. There's someone looking out for me.

"Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road."

"If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me?"

~Out of Africa

One of my favorite things about Howl's Moving Castle is that Howl's present to Sophie is a field full of flowers, a breathtaking view, a place she can go whenever she needs to. And my favorite thing about Out of Africa is the present Denys gives to Karen-- the plane ride over breathtaking sights, a view of the world as God sees it, an experience she will never forget. Let me meet a man who will give me such presents.

she always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day...

~Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

I think I've been avoiding blogging so as to avoid a negative ramble which doesn't help anyone. But maybe it will help to write some of it out.

I have been spending the days in a ceaseless cycle of 'what do I want to do with myself now?'. The answer is usually an indifferent sigh as I reach for a book or peruse the many films in my apartment. I've discovered that you can relish reading for pleasure much more when your liesure time is a little less abundant. Not that I'm not grateful for the free time I have. I really hope that when I one day have a job or when I return to school I can look back on this time without the negative feelings which constantly lurk beneath my complacent surface.

I would feel fine, even if I am embracing the lazy side of life a little too much, if I didn't feel like I was disappointing my mom. But she's just been so generous, so supportive, and so faithful in my ability to find a job that, after a month of being home, I find it ridiculous that I am still failing in the main thing I am trying to do here in Provo. In fact, I have quite often felt like I was disappointing someone for the past few months. Mainly, Susan Howe-- my teacher in London--, and maybe various directors, in addition to my mom. This doesn't seem normal. I think something isn't going quite right in my life right now, though I'm not sure what it is or how to fix it.

Whenever Beth walks through the door, exhausted from her busy and meaningful life of work and rehearsal, I pounce on her, demanding to know what happened during her day, keeping her talking as long as possible. Is this to avoid smothering in my own thoughts, which I experience 80% of my waking hours? Or to live vicariously through her fulfilling life which incorporates the perfect balance of duty and recreation? If I happen to get my sister Lindsay, (or anyone for that matter,) on the phone, I keep her talking as long as possible too, though this is a little more difficult--when talking with Lindsay, I am usually the one spurring conversation or loquaciously going on and on about minor things which I can tell she's only half listening to.

But I've done it again. This has indeed turned negative and if you are reading this you are either pitying me or are disgusted by me.

To turn to more cheerful thoughts, I went to B&N last night, my favorite store in the world, to get the new Harry Potter. I kind of made Beth go with me, thinking that if I showed up at 12:30 a lot of the crowd would have scurried off by then to devour the new chapters immediately. But there was still plenty of people, and I could sense Beth's regret as we pulled into our parking spot. I, on the other hand, couldn't have been happier. If I could have gotten someone to go with me, I would have gone to the party which had been going on until the clock struck twelve. I loved being surrounded by all of the Harry Potter enthusiasm. Many were dressed up, and I loved the frenzied atmosphere, so many people just waiting and itching for this book, another opportunity to delve into the world of witches and wizards. A world where, although we all know more dear friends are going to suffer and die before the end of this series, everything will turn out alright. One of the strongest attractions to this world, for me, is their powerful ability to use the magical powers within them for good and bad; to heal and create, as well as to fight the forces which are threatening their happiness. It's something tangible, they can whip out their wands and cast a spell. Bad things are going on, and Harry actually has the power and opportunity to fight against it, using not only his magical powers, but one of his greatest weapons: love. I love returning to this world each and every time. I don't think I can describe the comforting feeling that I always get as I imagine Harry and his friends returning to Hogwarts, but I love it, and I yearn to be going with them to Hogwarts. It's pretty amazing that Rowling could inspire this longing for a fictional school in me, but it's strong. Although the students are constantly complaining about their homework, I know that I would find it so fascinating! I million times better than the general education I have endured. True, imagining taking Charms or Transfiguration gives me the same thrill that I get when I think about taking many theatre classes, so I guess I'm lucky. But if such a place as Hogwarts truly existed. I do believe that I may choose it over acting (how shocking-- the acting gods are going to curse me now.) History of Magic is so much better than American History! Harry and company don't have to take anything which compares to math and chemistry (the chemistry classes I experienced were nothing near Potions, if that that's what you're thinking). True, nobody seems to talk much about film, theatre, or literature int he Harry Potter world, and I would miss that. But, if I could live in any book world, it would be the Harry Potter world-- as long as I could be a witch.

If I could live in any TV world, it would be the Gilmore Girl world-- as long as I could practice their witty repartee and endless culturally referential knowledge. As long as I could, like them, be human and make mistakes but end up not only happy but beloved by an entire town of quirky people. What would I give to live in Stars Hollow (I could even take a bus to NYC whenever I desired) and participate in their varied and entertaining festivals. Neither of the Gilmore Girls go long without a boyfriend, and their relationship with each other is to be envied. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mom and wouldn't really exchange her, but how great would it be to have a stylish, smart mom and best girlfriend wrapped up in one beautiful package? Not to mention the filthy rich grandparents who fawn over their only grandchild and provide her with a great job or travel opportunities whenever needed.

But alas, I don't live in a fictional world. I just hope that one day kind of soon, I will have a week where things truly do seem to be going right. When, as I smile and tell everyone how great I am, I actually mean every bit of it. I mean it now, but that's because I'm comparing myself to the large amount of people in the world who are living in much more difficult conditions than my blessed self. I would like to mean it when I am comparing myself to the average American college girl. But then again, as I place those sentences together referring to so many people who are not nearly as fortunate as the average American college girl, I've got to admit that I am pretty damn lucky. And I'm grateful for it.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed...

When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above and down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And i…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And i…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

~Coldplay's Fix You. Listen to it, just the words don't do it justice.

How I wish there was someone who could be saying these lyrics to me. But right now, I'm pretty much on my own to fix myself, and that's not easy. I'm trying so hard and things are not working out the way I had expected and hoped. I have some great friends who are so willing to listen and can sympathize, but I can't really see that there's a helping hand reaching down to aid me in my scramble out of this pit. My time in Europe inspired me, but it also wiped me out financially. At this point I can't really build my dreams when I have nothing to buy the materials with.

When I was in London, I wished that there was such a thing as a Desire-o-Meter. Using this device, the box offices to theatres would determine who got into shows, and Bob would determine who got the best seats in our group. I wish now that companies could hire employees based on a reading from the Desire-o-Meter. I would be such a benifit to Heritage. Barnes and Noble would find a knowledgeable and passionate employee in hiring me. Books, music, and movies are some of my greatest interests and I really love to suggest good books, movies, and artists to others. I love to discover an author whose work I truly enjoy but had hitherto known nothing about, and then spread the newfound love to others. All of this love and energy is wasted, bouncing around my apartment, finding no outlet. I fear that I will end up working at a place I have no interest in. I fear that I will end up working nowhere at all.

Living without funds, my abundant free time isn't very enjoyable. I can't see any new films (though I have quite a list I would like to Netflix), I can't improve my cooking skills as planned, I can't enjoy my usual place of refuge, B&N, since all of the things I want to buy are so out of reach yet are taunting me an arm's length away, I can't go out to eat with friends, I can't have friends over to my place to eat, etc. What can I do? Go to the library. And trust me, I'm doing plenty of that. It's a solitary and uneventful existence. I can't wait for rehearsals to start. I am almost wishing I could not be in a play, because then I'd be surrounded by the comforts of home in the rich green treeful hills of New York.

My last disgruntled rant of the day is about the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Since I was feeling so down about the world, and specifically about my job and money situation, I wanted to talk to my mom. That basic instinct to run to mom with trouble drove me to the phone where I discovered that Pageant season had started. From now until a few days after the event ends, there will be next to no access to my mom. This has always been the problem between Pageant and myself. It tears my family apart. Those on the outside cannot reach those on the inside, and I often feel that since I'm not doing Pageant, I can't possibly be doing anything as important as the almighty Pageant. Being part of a large family I'm used to not having tons of attention from my parents. But when I really need her, she's always there and can find some small amount of time to devote to me. Except when Pageant is brewing, and then there's not even that. It takes up every particle of her time and energy. I guess you could say I'm a little possessive of her. It's true. I want that fifteen minutes she would otherwise be able to find for me, and when Pageant usurps my right as a daughter, I resent it a lot.

Fix You was my theme song during my last two weeks in London, and I derived great comfort from it. But it's a little depressing now that I realize that there isn't really anyone there offering to fix me. Chris Martin didn't write this song for me, and there isn't anyone stepping into his shoes.

"I look around and I close my eyes...

Just for a second and begin to cry
And I wonder...
If it could be the same.
It's not a shame."
~I wonder by The Willowz

Something which I find really frustrating about acting is that you can put so much time and effort into monologues, but you can show up to an audition, or a class, and it can look like you blew it off. Such was kind of the case today, though I hope not so dour. I worked really hard on my proficiencies monologues, and was working them for the hour right before my proficiencies. Right before I headed up to F-433, I timed them, though I didn't think I was over. But I was, by 20 seconds! I didn't know what to do. I cut out one line, but didn't think I could cut out anything else. I figured, I've been over before and didn't get cut off, I guess I'll just hope that happens again. But I met Caitlin on my way up there, and she had been cut off halfway through her second monologue. So I went in there, and just thought I'd try putting some urgency into my first piece. Well, despite my hard work, I was totally destracted by the fear that they were going to cut me off, and I wasn't very connected. Yuck yuck yuck. I wish I could rewind time.

I spent the rest of the day hanging out with cousins and Lindsay, which was nice. I really enjoy having family here, though I wish I knew my extended family better. I resolve that my kids will know their aunts, uncles, and cousins better than I know mine. I know, it's going to be crazy difficult, but I hate not knowing my own family.

I have edited this entry, which I really don't like to do, but I feel that it's for the best. Katie sent me a long email addressing problems we have had with each other lately. We had a talk. It was an odd experience. I apologized, she apologized, she thinks we'll be better friends living apart. I don't think so. But it's too late now. Katie will be staying in the ward and I cast myself elsewhere. I think I'll be living with Annike in her English house. Where will that take me? Who knows.

Katie remarked in her email how I get to do what I love--acting--and I thought about that. Yes, I am so blessed to be able to study what I love, but acting is a torturously blissful thing. How often are we truly obtaining what we are reaching for? How often do we get the character that we want, that character which will provide the opportunity to really dig deep and do something amazing? That hasn't happened for me yet. I am constantly yearning and straining and falling short, trying to be happy with accepting what was thrown my way. I get by with working with what I have been given, and trying my best to learn all that I can, and using all that I have learned. It's still a happy existence, but it is not the idealized "you're doing what you love." Acting encompasses so much heartache, and I don't think many people outside of actors realize how difficult it is. The odds are so much against us, but we love the art, and the possibility of truly doing what we love, too much to give up. We are tragic heroes.

"In the end, it all comes down to this."

Tonight was the end of Handing Down the Names. I'm not as ecstatically happy as I thought I'd be. The fact is, that when we started performing, the show got so much more enjoyable. For one thing, I was with the cast a lot more, so we got tighter. I love my cast, and I will really miss not spending so much time with them. Also, while we were on that stage, it was our arena, open for experimentation. I really enjoyed exploring and discovering and figuring out how to keep it fresh every night. Performance was so much better than rehearsal. Bob still came to the show every night and gave us notes after every viewing, but while we were on that stage it was our show. It's amazing how much better, and how different the show was in performance. Most of our rehearsal process really wasn't that productive. It was also very different each night, which was awesome. This last week was especially good. It was still bitterly sweet because I wished I had a bigger part. But I can say that I am proud of my work. And that is so important to me. I couldn't say that for Papa or Enchanted April. I still regret those shows. But I've grown a lot as an actor since them and because of them, and that's the way it should be, I guess. I also still think that I could have gone a leetle bit farther with this show, but I solidly respect what I did. And I didn't let it get tired. The stakes were high every night. Small characters are hard, and I did a good job with them.

Something that I really regret is how few people came to the show. I know that it doesn't seem like a very exciting show when you hear about it, (that's certainly what I thought last semester,) and the poster is not something that would grab a passerby. Our audiences were mostly old people, which is sad. I love this show. I wanted a lot more people to experience it. I can't really say what it is like in production, but I think that I would still enjoy it. Our talkbacks were only positive. Our edjudication was only positive. Steven Dietz was only positive. (Who, by the way, I love. He's so interesting to listen to, and I hope that this wasn't the last time I see him, though that is entirely possible.) What really hurt was how few of my friends came to see it. At first, it was just a couple people, and my Cymbeline cast, which I was a bit upset about. I mean, I go and support all that they're doing, and they couldn't find the time to support me? I made them feel bad about it, though I quickly said "Oh, that's ok." What really got me though was when I came home tonight.

Katie was coming to the show today, the matinee. And out of everyone I know, Sylvia and Katie have listened to the most of my disappointments, frustrations, etc. They were the closest to knowing how hard this whole process was to me, though even they didn't really get it. But after everything that happened, I was ultimately proud of my work, and proud of myself for getting through this. And I really wanted them to see it. Well, Sylvia obviously couldn't make it since she lives out of the state. But I came home tonight and asked Katie why she didn't come say hi after the matinee, and she told me that she hadn't made it. She had been with Ben and Melanie and lost track of time.

That upsets me so much. And I don't know what to do about it. Part of me, the reasonable part I suppose, says that everyone makes stupid mistakes. I make stupid mistakes. But, maybe I shouldn't compare how different people deal with regret over their mistakes.

I know that she feels bad, but I feel that the bottom line of this is that it is not ok. It is not ok to miss one of your best friend's performances. A performance which is the culmination of a crucible of a semester. A performance which is the fruit of an entire semester of labor and emotional turmoil. A performance which has been going on for the last three weeks. Forgiveness seems to be the only option. How do I do that?

I think that usually I forgive very easily if I can see how sorry another person is. But I'm not seeing it right now. It almost seems like Katie has already given up on trying to earn my forgiveness. But we're good friends. Does that mean that she shouldn't have to earn my forgiveness, I should just give it to her? Even if I am deeply hurt? That isn't how I've behaved in the past, when I've been on the other side of the situation, but is that how it should be? I'm reminded of Sense and Sensibility:

"'I am not wishing him too much good,' said Marianne at last with a sigh, 'when I wish his secret reflection may be no more unpleasant than my own. He will suffer enough in them.'
'Do you compare your conduct with his?'
'No. I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it with yours.'"

But I don't know what it ought to be.

"I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection."

Aaah, the last week of "Handing Down the Names", and the last full week of school. In a month from now, I will be in England. But how I wish it were today. The show has gotten some really good responses. Our Talk Back session last week offered some amazing compliments, and someone even said they thought I was really an old woman! I still absolutely do not want to go through this week of performance, but I really do enjoy the time with my cast.

Not much news really. I still don't know where I'm going to live next year, but I think that for summer I'll just stay in Lindsay's place. I finally decided last week to go ahead and move out of my ward, but by that time the apartment below Lindsay's was all taken. Of course. If I get access to the car anytime soon, maybe I'll go knocking on doors.

I was cast in Macbeth at the Castle, which is exciting. Barta's going to direct it, so I think I will finally have a play experience I will really like, huzzah! The cast will be fun too, it includes several friends. It's a relief, because even if I'll be living in a place where I don't know anyone, I will have those rehearsals at which I will have access to friendship. I'm Witch 2, which I hope will be great fun. Barta seemed to say that we'd be influencing things in the background a lot, which I really hope. Having to spend a lot of time backstage is no fun. I wish I could know what Barta was thinking sometimes...

One of the reasons why I can't wait to go to England, is that I feel like once I'm there I will have a two-month respite of not having to worry or really think about boys, dating, etc. For one thing, dating is not allowed. For another, there is so much to do and absorb there. There's a boy in the ward which I was attempting to flirt with, and he came over last night, but asked Katie on a date. Fabulous. Yet again, Laura's rejected while her friends are courted. It's not a big deal in itself, it's just another little blow on an already bruised sensibility. He called me this morning, but only to ask if Katie had seen my play yet. I'm assuming he'll be asking her to that.

When it comes right down to it, I am really lonely. And I do a lot to not think about it, to distract myself and pretend that everything's fine. But I can't really escape the core truth.

Nevertheless, as distractions go, London will be a nice one.

"At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can."

~Frida (A great film, I can't wait to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Tate this spring.)

I've been bouncing back and forth between optimism and depression lately. Which is something, since a month ago I was mostly unhappy. Last week I finally got a blessing about this mottled semester of personal suffering, and it really helped. I wish I could keep that feeling locked up inside, but it keeps escaping. I did get a reason, though for this experience, and just that knowledge of purpose helps immensely. It doesn't quite make me happy with it, but at least I don't feel like my life is hurtling out of control.

Until, that is, Severin jokingly responded that my hometeacher only blessed me with certain things because that's what he personally knows about me. That undermines my testimony of that blessing quite a bit. Not having the priesthood, I don't know what it's like to give someone a blessing. Do they really just use personal knowledge?

It's opening week for Handing Down the Names, and I couldn't be more relieved that I only have three more weeks of this seemingly endless torture. I will be so happy when this experience is far behind. I have grown closer to a couple of my castmates, which has been really nice, but otherwise this experience has not been uplifting. Maybe by this time next year I'll be able to come up with a better list of benifits. My blessing told me it was to stretch me for some experience in the future. Whatever that experience is, I hope it's not this over again but worse.

Something sad I've learned from this semester is that, despite my idealistic opinions of last semester, honesty cannot be the best policy. Starting last semester, I wanted to be more honest with everyone and everything; I wanted to stop hiding behind a false identity and playing games with people. Wouldn't everything be better if I was honest with all my dealings with mankind and myself? But from many people's reactions to my honesty, I have learned that society is not ready for that. With only a few people can I be truly honest about how I'm feeling, or what my opinions are. Earlier this semester I was honest, and when people asked me how I was doing, I said that I wasn't doing well. That scared people away, leaving me even worse off, because in addition to my disappointments, I had to deal with loneliness. Even people who I had thought could be counted among my best friends could not, or would not, bear the burden and blessing of honesty. Lately, even if I'm not great, I smile and say that I'm fine. Everyone is far more comfortable with that reply, and will stay and chat. There still are those few, valuable people who are not scared away, and I thank my Heavenly Father for them. But they are fewer than I would like.

I fill my time with books, music, films, and planning for Europe. I can't allow more than 10 minutes of abandon, or loneliness will creep in. I'm doing fine, because I know that all things come to pass. And I've really had more happy days in the past week and a half than in the weeks of the semester preceding them. This is a record which more often than not absorbs the venom of the soul so that I may live free of it.

So don't worry. I'm fine.

"The Automat" by Edward Hopper. I saw this picture at the Tate Modern last summer, and it is the only work of art which has just made me cry on the spot. In a lot of ways, this picture illustrates what this semester is to me. 

The Waltz

I just watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset: very enjoyable.

For memory's sake if I get to Paris this spring:
Le Pure Cafe
14 Rue Jean Macé
75011 Paris

You take the metro to the Charonne station in the 11eme arrondissement and Rue Jean Mace is just around the corner from there.

"If you ever feel neglected..."

Yesterday, Chris demeaned my way of life, and basically told me that everything I'm working towards with my theatrical aspirations, is worthless. He apparently has no respect for the choices I have made with my life, and deems his life far more important. It really hurt me, which I told him. But will he apologize? Of course not. Christopher is always right. I'm waiting for an apology I will never hear. I know that Chris and I are as different as two people could be, but it always hurts more from family for some reason.

Then tonight I went to see Katie's "The Rainmaker", which turned out to be much better than I expected. She has come a long way from 124, and has obviously worked really hard on this production. I'm so proud of her. The show is really good in itself, I totally relate to Lizzie, the protagonist. If only I will be able to find love. It looks so doubtful.

I allowed myself to like this guy. And, through conversation, I discovered that he liked someone else. Being the stupid person that I am, I encouraged him to date this other girl. I of course couldn't be too obvious that I liked him. Tonight he was giddy about the time he spent with her last night, a kiss she gave him on the cheek, the fact that she came tonight, and that they were going to hang out later. I pasted a deceiving smile on my face and expressed how great that was for him. He was so happy about it, and admitted how sappy he was, and I wished with my entire being that he was behaving that way because of me. I guess I'm a tragic hero in the world of love as well. I am such a romantic, and want to be in love so badly. I dream about it, long for it, cry about it. But I am doomed never to get it.

I dedicate this song to myself, and realize that this is the second demon-related song I have posted:

"Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay

If you ever feel neglected,
If you ever think all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost,
Everything's not lost.

When I'm counting up my demons,
There's always one for everyday,
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

If you ever feel neglected,
If you think all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought it was over,
You could feel it all around,
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

'Cause if you ever feel neglected,
If you think that all is lost,
I'll be counting all the demons, yeah,
Singing out yeah,
Everything's not lost...



I also long to be in London at this very moment. So desperately. I've been reading Jenna's blog, which has spurred this desperate desire. I've never been so unhappy for so long. I feel like running away to Europe could solve all my problems. For a little while at least.

"Some girls, they have natural ease..."

I am one of the most awkward people I know around guys. Why must I live with this curse? Why can't I at least just be myself around guys, even if I still can't flirt? I ask myself how I will ever actually start dating someone if I can't behave normally around him. So many questions, doubts, and ultimatums have been pressing on my mind and constricting my spirit lately. And I can't even blame society. Sure, you could say that these questions spring from the structure our American/Mormon culture has placed on my ideas of how my life should be. But I honestly think that I would think these same things if I were oblivious of the way my life is "supposed" to be going. Love is such a natural and ultimate need. I desperately call out for help. I know I'll get it because I have to to hope to get it. But it most likely won't be in the form I desire.

There are many challenges and trials which people have to deal with in life. But if I weren't living it, I wouldn't imagine how debilitating the lack of social skills could be.

Je souhaite que j'aie de l'amour. En français, toutes les choses sont plus dramatiques.

Du Paix et de l'Amour pour tout le monde.

Officially an Adult

I'm old. And feeling unusually lonely. Which perhaps may be occurring due to the unusual imminence of Valentine's Day, or the copious amounts of Gilmore Girls, season 1 which I've been voratiously watching.

My birthday has definitely turned out better than I expected. Amy, Travis, and Luke drove into town just to come to my birthday dinner, despite snow on the mountains, which was really nice. It meant a lot to me. I received unexpected gifts, received many birthday salutations, and found that one of my dreams has come true: there's a cafe in Provo which has the right atmosphere + decaffeinated products for Laura to buy in large amounts. A haven in the conservative environs of Utah.

I experienced my first blind date, which wasn't great, but it wasn't intolerably horrible either.

And now I must go plunge myself into additional Valentine's celebrations. I can't wait for the day when Valentine's means more than an optimistic, trying to distance my loneliness, let's celebrate love in general day.

I hope this next year treats me well.

Down with love, the root of all midnight blues...

Usually I love Valentine's Day, the celebration of love, with only a hint of longing for a love of my own. This year, Valentine's is treating me kind of harshly-- sad. But, as I say every year, maybe by next year...

As procrastination has reared its ugly head yet again today, I'll yield to its niggling ways. I have a D&C paper due, a simple one, applying the D&C to my major. So why do I leave it until 12:30? I don't know. But I'm tired of this semester. I need to strike out, pounce on something new and exciting. Nothing exactly presents itself. I stooped to joining one of those websites which people use to find other lonely people, looking for dates, or sometimes just friends. It was amusing for a while, but the desired quality here is someone I can actually see and touch.

At least I'm not feeling extremely depressed anymore. Just bored and slightly unsatisfied with my present life. The tv has been turned on far too often lately. I'm not even that excited about my birthday, which is very unusual. I am excited to find a house to live in for next year. I hope Katie likes the one I have in mind.

I'm going on my first blind date this weekend. I'm apprehensive.

Like a skein of loose silk blown against a wall...

She walks by the railing of a path in Kensington Gardens,
And she is dying piece-meal
of a sort of emotional anemia.
. . .
In her is the end of breeding.
Her boredom is exquisite and excessive.
She would like some one to speak to her,
And is almost afraid that I
will commit that indiscretion.

--Ezra Pound, from "The Garden"


This weeked I got food poisoning, which was horrible. But you know you're really an actor when you go through something awful, and while you're vomiting you're thinking "Remember how this feels, I can use it!" I am now quite a bit behind on my schoolwork, which is not pleasant.

Stephen Dietz came to rehearsal tonight, which I was a bit worried about. But he was really nice, and gave us some really great comments which the cast, and crew, really needed to hear. A couple of my favorites: "These people aren't living in a moment in history-- they're living." "I've written a lot of closures into this play, which was my mistake. But in life, people don't have closures, they just keep moving on." That second one was paraphrased quite a bit.

Chris Clark read my palm today, which was quite interesting. Here's what he read: I had a pretty happy childhood, until about 10 or 11, at which time, something happened which caused me to split myself into two. I'm still that way, and will continue that way until about 25, at which time something else big will happen. It's not necessarily something bad, perhaps it's the birth of a child. I've already met the man I'm going to marry. (what?!) And I'll get married in a few years. I'll have two kids (a bit surprising...) Education is very important to me, and I will get my Masters degree. When I'm 40, someone close to me will die, though it won't be a child or my husband-- perhaps a parent. It's important to me to be taken seriously, I'm concerned about Global issues like hunger, war, etc. I have a mean streak, though I hide it. I will have one main profession, probably motherhood, and I will feel fulfilled by it. I will have something on the side though, which could be acting. I will die at about 75, and I'm going to go crazy. My husband won't die (meaning he'll be here at the 2nd Coming).

In what I can tell presently, it seems pretty accurate. Crazy. But if I really have met the man I'm going ot marry, what is the holdup? Chris learned how to read palms on his mission, he knocked on the door of an old gypsy woman who taught him and his companion after they taught her the first discussion, though she wasn't interested in joining the church.

Tomorrow: big catchup day. D&C, fail me now.

I want to get in a helicoptor, and just keep going up forever...

I have refrained from posting for a while, because if I had it would have been emotional regurgitation and very self-indulgent. I didn't want to go there with this. I've tried to distance myself a little from my emotions. I tried to really experience them for a while, just to have that experience to draw from as an actor. But heaven knows that everyone who's acquainted with me is sick to death of my turmoil and depression. For a while there, it was a little scary. I almost felt clinically depressed; I just wasn't myself. But I'm getting back to normality, and getting some perspective. It's been hard, but hopefully in the future I can look back and realize what I learned from this experience and why that was important. I think that I can honestly say this is my worst semester so far. It just kept getting worse and worse. I'm still not completely happy with my situation, but I can get through it. Hopefully, I'm just paying my dues.

This semester, I have a lot of extra time on my hands, which is odd. It's not as enjoyable as I would have thought. I mostly feel like I'm wasting my time. I need to take up jogging or something, instead of watching shows on tv which are really not stimulating in any way. I feel the need to invest my whole self in some artistic thing-- but there's nothing immediately available. I feel oddly disconnected and undriven in school. I'm not really passionate about any of my classes.

I'm grateful for 'Cymbeline'. It gives me a means of escape. It's just fun. I spend five to six hours every Tuesday with some really interesting people, and hopefully opening up some children's eyes to theatre. This is hard to believe, since I- who loves theatre so much- was never much inspired by any of the groups who came to my school. The first time I remember having a really passionate response to theatre, thinking that this is something I would love to do with my life, was during a touring company production of Les Miserables. It may actually have been seeing The Secret Garden at the Kennedy Center, but I barely remember anything about that experience.

I desparately want this semester to be over, so I can fly away to England. It's going to be a little hard to not wander away on my own I think. I generally like to be around other people, but I feel this intimacy with London, and England in general, which I could totally experience with Sylvia and Logan. But at this moment in time, I don't know other people who will have that same intimacy, and I think I'll want to tryst with England on my own once in a while. On the other hand, I'm really excited about the people I will meet and grow closer to because of this experience, and I'm sure I'll be hanging out with people who love England as much as I do.

Sylvia's leaving on Tuesday morning. It's going to be sad to not have her here. I'm excited for her to move on with her life, and to take the world on. But I loved having her here, someone that I could be totally honest with, and who was one of the most supportive people I've ever known. At least we have Verizon, so we can talk for free whenever we want.

It's my birthday soon. When New Year's, my birthday, or the beginning of another school year roll around, I always wonder what's going to happen in the next year, reflecting on my past year. A lot has happened. I'm a little scared about what else will happen. And I wish there was a "next year in the life of Laura" preview that I could watch.

Another day, I'm still not dead.

We were cast in "Handing Down the Names", and I got a crappy part. I cannot put into words how sad/disappointed/frustrated I am. Suffice it to say that Friday night was my worst in a long time. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. This semester now looks pretty sucky since I have to put so much time into this production which I love so desparately, but which I can't actually contribute to that much. I am so sad.

Moving on, I'm also taking four classes and am in the travelling Young Company production of "Cymbeline". Not much to talk about there, except that Musical Scene Study really scares me.

I'm still in numb-- trying not to feel how hurt I am-- mode. This is a big reason why it's hard for me to get emotional onstage: in my real life, rather than feeling the hurt, I detach. It's the only way I know how to deal with it.

Resolutions:
Be tidier around the house
Don't spend money on food besides my groceries
Be super frugal
Be more active

I'm doing pretty well with the money side of things, except for the sushi dinner I allowed myself yesterday since the weekend had been so sucky. Sundance was also pretty much sold out when we went to get tickets yesterday. I hung out at Trevor's house on Saturday night though, and we listened to the Flaming Lips' four cds (Zaireeka) simultaneously, which was awesome.

At this moment, I feel like my life kind of sucks. I know that there are many parts of it which are incredible, which I don't fully appreciate. But there are also several areas which suck. But I keep on living, and I will just try to deal.

"Harold and Maude" was my therapy of choice last night. That movie is amazing.