New York City, center of the universe...

Even though NYC was a couple of weeks ago, I feel like I have to write about it before I can move on to anything else... The night before we left I didn't go to sleep so that I could finish all of my work. I wanted the week to be responsibility-free, something I haven't felt for a long time. I mean, of course I had obligations and worries-- we went to the city to perform a showcase after all, and I wanted to do my best. I also am in some amount of financial trouble, so I didn't want to go crazy with activities or shopping. But I wanted this to be kind of like a vacation, a reward for all the seniors to just have fun together after graduation and before we had to focus on real life.

We arrived at our sketchy hostel. I've stayed in a good number of hostels in my days, and I do believe that this is the second most sketchy hostel I've experienced. Just imagine, if you will, ten girls staying in one room which barely holds five bunk beds. These girls, at least for the first few days, are all on the exact same schedule and want to look their very best for the showcase. There are three bathrooms for the entire floor, and when I say bathrooms, there are not several stalls in each bathroom, they are singular bathrooms. Three bathrooms wasn't enough for just our room. It was kind of crazy. We are so lucky that we all liked each other because if there had been any drama, it would have been awful. But I do believe there may have been bedbugs. Um, that makes me queasy to think about. I'm glad I didn't realize it while I was there. Which is silly, but a blessing.



I think the showcase went well, I think we all did our best and both shows we had a full audience. That wasn't incredibly hard to accomplish because it was a tiny theater, but what more can you ask for? I was proud of how I performed, how I even schmoozed a wee bit after the shows, and by how I felt fine about not having anyone interested in me. Now schmoozing is something I detest. There are a few people in the showcase who are Great at it, and I am not. And I don't want to be, I feel degraded by it. But it's a necessary evil in showbiz, so I attempted it.

And after showcase was over, we frolicked. I was out in the morning and didn't return to the hostel until midnight or later. Something that I really enjoyed about this trip is that I was with so many people! Usually when I'm in NYC I'm by myself for the most part. But when you're in a group, other people have ideas and preferences about what they want to do, so it gave me the opportunity to go places I never would have chosen for myself. On monday we went to the top of the Rockefeller building. I would never have just gone if I wasn't with others, and I'm glad I did. Almost every major city I've been to, I've climbed to a high point to overlook the city. I think that's weird. And awesome. It's not something that I consciously think about doing. I'm not like "now that I'm in Dublin, I need to find a tall building so I can overlook the city." It just happens. And I like that it's an unintentional tradition. London: St. Paul's. Florence: Duomo. Venice: that tower in St. Mark's. Oxford: some high clock tower. Paris: Eiffel Tower. Edinburgh: Arthur's Seat (my favorite because it wasn't a building, it's a huge hill/mountainy thing in Edinburgh, I felt like the wind was literally going to blow me off of it). San Francisco: Coit Tower. New York City: Rockefeller Tower.



The shows I saw:

Moon for the Misbegotten by Eugene O'Neill. Transferred from the Old Vic. Starring Kevin Spacey and Eve Best (I saw her as Hedda in Hedda Gabler in London, she is Incredible.) Front row center. Such a good show. There were a few choices by Spacey that I didn't love, but I cannot deny his talent. I can deny that he should have asked for $60,000 a week for this show, that's just a wee bit outrageous. What happened to the days when he asked for $2,000 so that the seats could be more affordable? Nevertheless, 60 seats are reserved every day to be sold at student price, and I celebrate that. This is the only show that did that and I applaud. Great set. Not a weak link in the cast. Great play.

Talk Radio by Eric Bogosian. Starring Liev Shreiber. Third row center. I love Liev Schreiber. I didn't Love the play, but Liev was Amazing and I am so glad I could see him perform in person. Sexy beast. But how did he look so wasted right from the top?

Coram Boy, adapted by Helen Edmundson. Transferred from the National. Rear Mezzanine center (I was so disappointed, but it was ok, that theater is built so well that all the seats in the house have a good view of the stage.) The play started, by jaw dropped, and stayed there. It was SO creative. Visually astounding. Favorite part: when they find all the dead baby skeletons in all these trap doors in the floor. Brilliant use of brilliant music: Handel's Messiah. The best thing I've seen in a Long time. Those brits, I love them so much. Seriously, I just don't feel like we get this kind of theatre that often in the states, why is that? I've seen several things in England for the few months that I've been there which fall along the same lines of creativity and collaborative storytelling. I wish everyone could see this. Loved it with all my heart. I wished I could see it again because I know I've already forgotten things.

Grey Gardens. Front row center. Those two ladies are pretty spectacular. Seriously, how they nailed those two documentary ladies is beyond me. It's like they ARE those ladies. They must have watched the documentary 50 times. Great. I'm so glad this kind of work is going on instead of just Legally Blonde: the musical (which everyone else in my group thought was absolutely Fabulous. I didn't see it, am not one to judge.)



Some favorite activities:
-Going to Alice's Tea Cup with Catherine and Erin
-Spending hours in Central Park. I can't tell you how gorgeous the weather was-- perfect for people watching, strolling, reading, anything really. It was my default location. An hour to spare? Go to Central Park.
-Thrilling exhibit at the Met about Modernity and Architecture in Barcelona. It was about these artists who were working in Barcelona at the same time as all the impressionists in Paris. They hung out at a cafe called the Four Cats or something which looked awesome. I looooved their work and am surprised I have never heard of them before. They worked a lot with Picasso. Such a pleasure, I have to research them some more. The exhibit went on to describe how their work contributed to the architecture in Barcelona at the time. Again, jaw dropped and I really believe I had a pretty silly expression on my face as walked from picture to example to picture of the architecture. I need to go to Barcelona now. I haven't been so thrilled by an exhibit since the Hopper exhibit I saw at the Tate Modern a few years ago.
-Spending a sadly small amount of time at the Cloisters. Why did no one else want to go with me? What could be more cool than a monastary in Manhattan? The park around it was beautiful. I miss the trees of the East Coast.
-Spending the most money I ever have on one meal at a fancy restaurant. I'll try anything once, and I've never been to a fancy restaurant before. Again, something I never would have done without someone else to encourage it.
-Staten Island Ferry
-Buying Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger at the Strand bookstore, then reading it. Loved it. Weird how relevant it is to my life right at this very moment.
-Just spending a whole week in the city. It made me feel very comfortable with it. I'm glad that I'm no longer intimidated by the big apple.

good times by myself in Central Park

An afternoon in Central Park from Lola on Vimeo

Wow, my first efforts with iMovie. Thank you Elizabeth. I wished I'd thought of filming little clips of NYC life earlier, and I don't have as much as I'd planned to even because I met up with someone in the Park the afternoon I got these. I thought it was rude to continue my project in good company... But I'm learning more about iMovie, and more little films a la Laura are to come.

When a door closes...

What? I am graduated. Craziness. Well, I've been fearing the end since September, and I thought I might freak out about finishing school, but I haven't. It is very possible that it just hasn't sunk in yet, and it may not until September when I always have the back-to-school urge. But for now, I feel alright. Weird that I'm done with school, something that I've been doing almost my whole life... Graduation was a little unreal because none of us felt like it was really the end, probably because we had our NYC trip the next week. I'm kind of glad I'm sticking around Provo for the summer, I think it will give me a nice, gradual send-off. Then when I do go, I'll be ready for it.


Here are a bunch of us in the Tunnel before filing onto the stage. By the by, who came up with these very silly hats? Who thought they were a good idea?


I loved how small our convocation group was, not only was the program pretty short, but it just felt a lot more personal. It was nice. The BFA students were all on the back row, I'm glad they didn't make us sit alphabetically. We kind of felt like the bad kids back there, whispering and joking through the presentations. But don't worry, we were listening. I loved how encouraging the speakers were to us. I think we so often hear how hard it's going to be, how impractical what we've chosen to do is, (not that that doesn't have its place), it was nice to ultimately feel encouraged. And I'm glad all the parents and families got to hear how important it is to encourage LDS artists in our society.


The week felt really packed and rushed, and I wished I had more time to just chill with family and friends, but it was nice to be with them as much as I was. Thinking back, I can't believe Senior Recital was the same week as all this craziness! I was so glad that my Dad, Amy, and Eric could be there for senior recital and showcase. It meant a lot to me. I think I've done some of my best work in both of those classes.


Finals, grading, family, showcase, graduating... there was a lot to juggle during graduation week, when it was all over and we were all heading to NYC, I felt fun and fancy free. Bring it on, New York.

Paris, Je T'aime

I've been waiting for this one for a long time.

Evening

Mmmm, this looks pretty good.

Atonement

I loved this book, and from the trailer it's looking like a pretty good adaptation... Can't wait.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

This looks so good.

Pre-show meeting

febreze on Vimeo

Trust me, febreeze is an important element of Young Company.

Olivia, Feste, and Sir Andrew venture out to the grocery store

wow on Vimeo


Now that I figured out how to put my friend's videos on my blog, I can't stop myself! These are almost all from the fall when I was doing Twelfth Night.

Good old van times

natural dryer on Vimeo

Behind the curtain...

behind the curtain on Vimeo


well, while we're on the topic of Young Company...

A tribute to Sir Andrew Aguecheek

tribute on Vimeo


fond fond memories of traveling with the Shakespeare Young Company Troupe.

What do we do?

Here's some good news of the day:
Advanced Acting is over, and I felt pretty good about my monologues, even if my technique was showing. How embarrassing.

Senior Recital is over. I'm not totally happy with how it went, but I don't feel bad about it either. And I feel awesome about how many people came. And I do think I've done some of my best work in that class, even if not in the final performances of the pieces. I'm proud of what I've done. I'm so glad I got to do that Clearing scene, I love it.

I got my grant for that Denver Center workshop. Now that I've got the money to do it, they probably won't accept me. But here's hoping. They gave me $1,200 and I feel great about it.

NYC is less than a week away, hurray! On my to-do list while I'm there? Not much. Just some awesome shows I've picked out. I'm open to other suggestions (thanks Erin!) But here's what I sure will be doing: relaxing. I haven't had a real break since August. When I fly away on Sunday morning I will be free as a bird and I am going to relish it. NYC is all fun. Happy graduation to me.

So I had my last day of classes last Tuesday. My last day of college. It hasn't sunk in. Maybe it will come August when I'm feeling that back-to-school urge. For now, I'm doing alright. I just hope a freak out doesn't attack me from nowhere. I don't think it will. I've got plans. And I'm looking forward to the potential of Seattle. I've heard so many positive things about it, and people say it's gorgeous, so I'm loving that prospect. I think this will be good. I'm not expecting to be cast as soon as I get out there, I hear it takes a while to break into the circle. This forced hiatus from plays has at least taught me that life without being in a play is enjoyable. And I know I will at least have one friend there.

Oh, and I'm going to be in Julius Caesar. Despite my disappointing callback performance. And I never wrote about how my Little Women callback went really well. It did. I felt great about my singing and acting, and I had fun with the dancing. It was a really good experience, and helps give me confidence in the singing area especially. Laurie ran into me in the hall one day before the cast list went up and told me that if I was going to be a student in the fall, she would have cast me as Jo, but since I won't be a student, she couldn't cast me. Which I respect. I'm so glad she told me, kind of bittersweet, but it's awesome knowing I would have been cast.

Feist - 1 2 3 4

and then sometimes I hate my life.

wee triumphs

At this point, I've got to celebrate anything I get: for Julius Caesar at the Castle I got called back for Cassius, Portia, and Calpurnia. And for Little Women at BYU I got called back for Jo and Marmee. Too bad it's 11:00 and I have a rehearsal at 9 tomorrow morning, then callbacks back to back from 11 to 5 tomorrow. Yikes. Do I study the material, or get good sleep?

Just listen to the song, don't watch-- the video is distracting

Listening to this song has made me realize that I'm doing pretty awesome for myself. I remember when I could barely imagine that I'd be on acting track, much less pursuing acting as a career. I was so afraid, so unconfident. I was crippled by my self-doubt, and by the perceived doubt of others. And although my confidence isn't where it should be, it's so much better than it was. I am doing what I dreamed. And that rocks. And I'm kind of doing better than if I found "a way back to then" because I didn't often dance in the backyard. More often I danced locked in my room where no one could see. It's been hard to get to where I am, but I'm here because of my own dreams and hard work. And I think that's something to be proud of.

And there you are,
Right in the middle of what you love
With the craziest of company
You're having a kickass time
And being who you wanted to be in this world.
You're that little girl with her wings unfurled
Flying again.
Back in the backyard, dancing.
I found a way back to then.

Slings and arrows

Is it wrong to still have a hard time hearing people talk about Hamlet? Seriously, every night my two roommates come home from the show and talk about it and talk about it and I cannot stay in the same room for longer than five or ten minutes into the conversation because it is too painful. I cannot express how much I wanted to be in this show. I don't think you can imagine how many different factors combined to create this incredibly intense yearning to be a part of this particular production of Hamlet, a show which I love so much on its own. It is Hard to not be in it. So hard. And I worked so hard to get in it. And I hear so much about it, so much about the entire process. Almost the entire cast is made up of my friends and when you're in a show, that takes up so much of your life, of course you talk about it all the time. I also T.A. for the director, I hear other theater people discussing the show, I hear them running the awesome music every day while I do my homework in the Pardoe lobby... I am constantly surrounded by reminders. It's just hard. And I feel like I can't express how painful it is for me to people because it makes them feel bad or awkward or annoyed and I certainly don't want to put everyone else out because I have emotional problems. Yes, I think people could be more considerate. But no, I don't think people generally feel as keenly as I do about it so they don't get it. It is raw. I am dreading seeing the show. And I mean dreading. I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure it is going to be damn hard to watch it. I wanted to get it over with next week but I can't because they're not having a show on Saturday due to general conference and I have Proof rehearsal every other night. Honestly, I needed to call upon my emotional support system, that is how much I can't do this by myself. And I have to wait til closing night. And I cannot tell you how relieved I will be when it is over.

I also wish I'd never told someone I liked them. I was so afraid I was going to regret that.

And, if you're accustomed to living expecting people to not love you, how do you change that?

Weekend woes

I feel that weekends are generally very important. During the week I am going going nonstop and weekends provide much needed relief; an opportunity to wind down. Lately they've been much more relaxing as I haven't even had rehearsals on Saturdays. And I think that some good recreation time is extremely important to the productivity in a week. But I also have a problem with weekends-- all of my 'projects' that I'm working on, life goals we could say, grind to a halt on the weekends. I'm not good at doing homework on weekends, there's just something about all that time that makes me want to put off doing homework forever; my eating plan goes haywire, I eat horribly when I don't have the structure school gives me; I have yet to make it to the gym on a Saturday. Instead of being productive when I have the most opportunity to do so, I laze the day away. Sometimes this is nice, and sometimes-- like this weekend-- it just makes me feel like crap. I woke up this morning, and instead of feeling rested and rejuvenated, optimistic about life and ready to tackle my goals, I felt like a lump. A lump that wanted to stay in bed.

And for the first time, I kind of wished school was over. What?! It's true. I just thought, how much simpler life will be when, instead of juggling classes, a job, and a production, I will just be juggling a job and a production. Well, I don't expect that feeling to last long. And indeed, I don't really like that feeling. But perhaps at least I won't just feel like crying when I graduate.

If my life were a TV show, it would be The Office.

Not that I at all work in an office, but the general mundaness of life with subtle meaningful nuances, mixed with a few quirky people seems to describe my life much better than any other show out there.

Maybe I'm in love with Jim. You don't want to know how many times I have watched the end of the Casino Night episode. I feel ya, Jim. I love The Office. What I do not love is how many reruns there have been lately instead of new episodes. And how frustrating the Jim/Pam situation is.

Take a look at the shenanigans of the Thrillionaires Improvised Theatre Company

In Elizabeth's words, "welcome to Hell, party of two."

I think my sense of well-being is amazing. I don't understand how for two days you can feel freaking miserable, and then you wake up on the third day and you're back to feeling ok about life. I guess it's a good thing, but perhaps if I understood I could kick it into gear a little sooner. Yesterday I tried so hard to think of something that would make me feel better, distract me, get me out of myself, something, anything. Nothing helped and I was miserable. And today I feel like I will be ok. Yes, this semester really sucks for me. A lot. But my life isn't hopeless. Yesterday I really felt like it was. Today I will finally clean my room. Maybe actually decorate it a little. For my whole college existence the decorating of my room has been very important. I didn't feel settled or like my space was my own until it was decorated, covered over with pictures of things that I loved. This year, I never did it. My walls have remained more or less bare. And now it's more than halfway through winter semester and I feel like I should and actually will get around to it.

Sometimes I miss Europe the most because of the parks they have. Why doesn't Provo have a good park? I would go ramble today. Maybe I should just take off to Europe for a year.

I don't want to graduate and leave. But maybe it is exactly what I need. Provo is where I want to be because it's familiar and not intimidating. But maybe I would be happier somewhere else. Maybe it is time to go. Six months from now...

Breathe. Bend. Be.

On Wednesday I went to a Yoga class at a studio in the Riverwoods and now my sleeping problem is mended. Mostly-- I do keep having dreams about grad school auditions and ACTF... But the yoga class was so lovely, I think I'll start going every week. It was nice to be doing an extracurricular activity that wasn't acting-related. And ever since, I've been able to fall asleep much better. It was kind of alarming to realize how difficult it was to just relax and stop thinking about things. In fact, I didn't quite succeed, and I know I used to be able to do that just fine. Well, now that I'm aware that that's a problem of mine I can focus on fixing it. That was probably a big contributor to my sleep problems. The studio was really nice, and I really liked the instructor. I felt trendy, but in a wholesome way. I also really liked the clothing boutique you walk through to get to the studio, too bad all the clothes were super pricey. It was so nice to just do yoga for an hour and a half. I would never give myself that much time to do it at home.

In other news, I'm trying to just live one day at a time, giving. And it's nice.

Stop hurting and start sleeping.

I have been using sleeping aids almost every night since Chicago at which time I was sick and used nighttime cold medication. And then there was ACTF where I started taking Advil PM (probably for half the week, not every night,) because I needed to sleep but was stressed and the beds were uncomfortable. And now this week I have not been able to go to sleep, even though I haven't had a full night of rest any night. I've eventually given in and taken Advil PM again every night. What is going on? Today I was so tired all day and now that it's time to go to bed I am wide awake. I have no problems taking naps, I have come home from the gym and zonked out for a couple of hours three times this week. I need some sleepy dust. The sleep gods frown upon me. I wish I had a sleep button.

Our doubts are traitors.

It's snowing outside and I think I'm one of the only people in Provo to be happy about it. And I am. Today it's a quiet, content happiness, not the giddy flurried happiness. It's so peaceful and it makes everything different, new, beautiful, solitary, and silent. I love how quiet it is.

After the bitter attacking freeze of Chicago, Provo has seemed very inviting. Comforting.

I've been happy the last couple of days, and it has been so nice. It's been a relief. I feel like I've been a restless malcontent for months and that creature has finally settled down-- perhaps only for a nap. But I feel like this is my equilibrium, this is where I naturally want to be. I have felt pressed down for a while, floundering, struggling to pull myself back up but the struggle only gave my malcontent a better hold. I'm afraid this peace will leave any moment, but for the time being I'm enjoying it.

Chicago and ACTF were really rough. I felt despair. It was awful. I honestly don't remember feeling that bad for a long time. I avoid thinking about it because I'm afraid that feeling is going to slink back. ACTF just sucked because I truly just had rotten luck and it caused this flashback of how I'd felt the week before. But now those two weeks are past, and I can just think about now. Here are some valuable lessons I learned: confidence is key. Really, I feel like confidence and consistency are essential. That's why Slate does so well because he's confident in his talent, work, and preparation. He's so good and he knows that. Furthermore, he's consistent. He doesn't let nerves get to him so his talent has the opportunity to do what it can. It's not debilitated by anything.

So how do I get that? I tend to think that the only way to gain confidence is through being cast in stuff and seeing yourself successful in a play. But that's exterior confidence, and what I need is interior, intrinsic confidence. Confidence that I have not because of anything other people see in me or do for me, but because it's just a part of me. I have no idea how to get that. But that's my goal for the next year. Also to audition for tons of things because I realized that I don't actually have a lot of audition experience. I mean, there just aren't that many opportunities in Provo to audition, and in order to get consistency, to be able to audition over and over again without letting nerves affect me, I need practice.

I'm really sad I won't be going to grad school this year. It's what I want to do now, more than anything. Right now, I know that that's the next step for me. So I asked Barta what, in total frankness and honesty, I needed to do to get into a graduate program next year. I mean, I want to go to auditions a year from now and I want people to want me. I want them to take notice. The first thing she said was to be more proactive-- write to schools and let them know that I'm going to be there and that I want them to watch for me. She also mentioned that I could work on vulnerability, but she had seen my monologues and she said that my Amelia one was good for that, so that's not so much the problem. The main thing? How I look. My weight is apparently all that is holding me back. In a way that is very comforting, because it's not like I'm not talented. And it seems like losing weight is something that is possible. Then again, haven't I been trying to do just that for ten years? I've suffered a lot of mean-spirited teasing because of it and I've hated myself for it and that hasn't made too much of a difference. Nevertheless, I have to do it now. Big Goal for Next Year: look damn good. I have a year. When I move away in September I can audition like mad, and hopefully some confidence will come into play in the next year. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm feeling like I can do this. I'll be ready by next year. And it's a good thing I went and tried this year because that was an essential step in these realizations. It won't be new next time, I'll know what I'm doing.

I've got to say though, I've been going to the gym since October and here's something I've learned: I am not good at pushing myself. There's some work that needs to be done.

I am a tragic hero

Suffice it to say, I'm not expecting any offers. Slate seems to have everyone fighting over him. NYU wanted to see a third piece: my song! Was I expecting to have to sing? Definitely not. Boo.

Conclusion: It was a really rough few days. I didn't do quite as well as I wanted to, but I didn't totally choke either, though the week did include a breakdown. But I think I learned a lot, and I'll be damn well prepared for next year.

Boo. My endeavors of the last few months don't seem to go too well.

Look what the wind blew in

Well here I am, after months of anxiety, actually here in the Windy City. And I feel alright.

Yes, I'm a little terrified about tomorrow when all of my auditions start, but I'm telling myself I'm confident, talented, and totally prepared. And I kind of believe it.

Our hotel is great. It's on the same block as the hotel for URTAs, opened on Friday (so we're the first ones to stay in our room), has free cocoa whenever our hearts desire it, continental hot breakfast, very pleasant interior, and everyone's super friendly because they just opened! Such a great choice. And we're staying in room 1707, which I love because my lucky number is 7. We're also just a block away from such lovely stores as Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.

We flew in with no problems, took a cab to the hotel, and then headed out to find some food. We went to the oldest Italian restaurant in Chicago and it was yummy. We then went in search of the hotels that our auditions are at. They're all in the same place, the Hyatt Regency (except for URTAs) which is a 15-20 minute walk away. Um, it's freezing here. Like I walked outside and started laughing because I could not believe how cold it was. Strike you to the bones cold. Really, unbelievable. School is cancelled because it's so cold. Eventually you grow numb to it and then you're ok, but that first ten minutes is painful. And wherever you're headed, you arrive really rosy-faced. But our walk around the theatre district was nice other than that. Chicago (at least this area) is pretty, some great architecture, and clean! With lots of cafes. And people have been really friendly. We walked into a cafe and the owner actually greeted us with an enthusiastic "Look what the wind blew in!" I was charmed.

And now we're watching The Secret Garden on HBO, which is comforting to me.

Ah tomorrow.

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt."
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare

Maybe I love the girl who crawled into my bed this morning as I was sleeping, kissed my shoulder, put her arms around me and murmered "Don't be sad." We lay there. "How did you know?"

This blog may seem melancholy lately, but I promise I'm not always like this. You may have the impression that I mope around school all day, but that's not true. I just feel that I have to put on a good face for the world, so this is someplace where I don't. And I'm not always having to put a good face on, it is just there sometimes. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's not very convincing because as much as I want to appear fine I also want people to know I'm hurting or troubled. I don't know how I appear. I don't know how successful I am in seeming fine when I'm not or if people think I'm not fine when I am. But I do know that I love those people who can tell when I'm not fine and do something about it.

Things got better after that depressing post. Not immediately. I thought I would wake up and feel normal, but I didn't. I didn't feel normal until Slate suggested we run through our ACTF scenes. And that did it. His willingness, his suggestion of it. I feel like I've dragged him into this thing which he does not want to do, and it makes me feel bad. I want him to want to do it.

And this week was a stressful one, but I have accomplished some important things: my neutral mask thing went well; Slate and I practiced then previewed our scenes and my monologue and I don't have to change them, they're roughly blocked, and we have set up times to work with Stephanie and Barta again; I know which monologues I'm doing for grad school auditions, so I can set up times next week to work on them with professors; my song for showcase was transposed and I sang for my class- the first time is always the hardest; I'm doing Summer and Smoke for showcase; all of my auditions for grad school are scheduled; I helped a friend in time of need. For this week I memorized and performed 3 different scenes and 3 different monologues-- that's a lot for a four-day week.

Perhaps the one good thing about not being in a show is that I feel like I have Saturdays back. When you're doing a show and you have a rehearsal Saturday morning it almost seems like another school day. But here I am, at 2 in the afternoon, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, writing a blog. I may not have any time during the week for anything but school, but the weekends actually provide some relief now.

Yes, I feel left out. I feel like all I do anymore is monologues, very solitary, and all I want to do is be in a play. When I say goodbye to my friends as they head to rehearsal and I head home I feel a little sad every time. But that's life.

There better be something damn good coming along. In the meantime at least I have some damn good friends.

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt.

-- Shakespeare, Measure for Measure, Act. 1, Sc. 4

No way to handle things

I am troubled. It's keeping me up and keeping me unhappy. Perhaps I've just let myself get behind already and so I'm stressed, but I actually think I'm kind of juggling a lot of contributors at the moment:

Graduate school auditions approaching way too quickly. I don't know which pieces I'm doing yet.

ACTF approaching way too quickly. I just figured out which scenes, but I'm not super excited about them. Hopefully I will be after we start working them, which should be any day if I would just memorize them.

I'm taking a lot of performance-based credits this semester and I need to find a lot of material, which just isn't happening. Why don't I know more plays?

I need a song transposed and no one can do it. Including myself. Yet I'm supposed to perform it on Thursday?

My roommate and I are having troubles but apparently I'm supposed to let her approach me though she hasn't for the past six days. I can't handle people not liking me, and I can't handle people that I care about not caring enough to talk about things. How is she supposed to know what's going on inside my head? She doesn't know me that well.

I'm not in a show. You say 'get over it' and trust me I'm trying.

My valiant efforts to make a difference at the gym are showing me nothing. I'm on a stupid diet which makes me depressed about myself and cranky about the cardboard food I eat. I don't get enough sleep since I get up at 5:30 to go to the ineffective gym, which makes me even more cranky. I just feel like quitting.

I'm trying, but I'm not exactly getting over him.

I feel alone. Which is stupid but it's how I feel.

I freak out a little every day about graduating.

So I imagine the advice you would give to me is to stop wasting time on a blog and get my butt into gear. I have plenty of work to be doing. And also to stop dwelling. And maybe also to have a little faith. I'm trying. I really am. I'm scared about so many things and trying so hard not to be. And things build up and I try to take it one step at a time but there are just so many things to pay attention to. And I'm unaccountably emotional. And I'm kind of depressed. And I don't know what to do about that.

Maybe, despite my homework, I should just go to bed.

This is stupid, please don't comment, I just had to write that all out. I'll wake up tomorrow and get back to work.

Ring out the old, Ring in the New

Oh blog, it's been a while. Here are some of the highlights of my year:

Favorite Film: The Fountain

Runners-up: Children of Men, Little Children, The Departed, Stephanie Daley, Blood Diamond, Casino Royale
(some which have potential for above but which I haven't seen yet: Pan's Labyrinth, Babel, Half Nelson

Guilty Pleasure: X-Men 3

Worst: The Grudge 2, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Lady in the Water

Favorite TV Shows: Six Feet Under on DVD, The Office (both British and American)

Runner-up: Grey's Anatomy

Guilty Pleasure: Joan of Arcadia on DVD

Best Theatrical Events: The Little Foxes, The Light in the Piazza

Runners-up: Bedroom Farce, Twelfth Night, Seascape, Angels Unaware

Favorite Book: The History of Love by Nicole Krauss


And let’s not forget some lovely experiences. Jobs: Working at the BYU Bookstore and learning to hate it. Working at Apx Alarm Systems doing data entry—I earned a lot of money and it was mighty boring. But I did answer some calls using dialects, and at least I didn’t hate it like I hated the bookstore. I hope I never have to buy anything from the bookstore again, I don’t want to give them my business. And it was fun to see how much we could get away with at APX. Oh summer jobs. T.A.ing is the best job I’ve ever had. My 4 classes this year have been great learning experiences.

Worst roommate ever: Evanesce. Yikes. She broke some windows after I left. It’s true.

I’ve only been three places outside of Utah this year: Malad, Idaho, New York, and California. I wouldn’t mind living in Northern California one bit, no siree. Getting to know my aunt and uncle in San Francisco better was so nice. New York City kind of gives me anxiety, but only because I fear moving there and failing miserably.

Sundance Film Festival: the best way to do this experience is having an In and going the last day to see all the award winners when everybody has left. Except then there are no celebrities or camaraderie, which is half the fun.

Theatrical fun of the year: Little Foxes was the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve done. I was so frustrated, but loved that show so much. I think it’s going to be a long time before I’m part of something I love so much again. The people involved mean so much to me, friendships grew, I grew. Personally and as an actor. More family saw it than any other show I’ve done. It provided the most meaningful mother-daughter moment of my life. I was so invested, it’s hard to let go of that group of people. We’ve shared so much with each other.

Twelfth Night was barrels of fun, I love that group so much. Goodbye to Young Company. I spent three years with it and it’s helped me through some hard times. I think Greatest Hits was the show that was the most fun to do, but van times with Chris was the best part of Young Company. Though nothing beats the emotional support Christy has given me this semester. Heads in the hula-hoop game, craziness and bum-grabbing backstage, hugs and backrubs, never-ending sold out Nelke performances, the first year on the season (leading to ACTF), van games (the crying game and the eye opening game), Chris trying to make me laugh during the Ophelia crazy scene onstage, singing in the van, being a tragic hero.

Much Ado—I was sad to not be in Angels Unaware, but I made some great friends because of Much Ado whom I would never have met otherwise. And I love that I was in a show at PTC before it hit its troubles. Dancing during intermission in the green room, totally losing it onstage and trying to hold in laughter while I should have been singing, film talk during pre-show, improv games, uncomfortable words, uncomfortable men, the pasty white club.

Playing with the Thrillionaires has been great fun. I really love being a part of that group. It’s funny to think how much anxiety it used to give me and how relaxed about it I am now. Huzzah for long-form improv. Thank you Jake and Maclain.

Biggest Disappointments/Trials of the Year: Hamlet has been the hardest, Little Foxes not going to ACTF, boys, Angels Unaware, no Castle show for me, no Europe

Goals for 2007:

Get into a graduate program I love
Go to the gym at least 4 times a week
Read my scriptures every day
Don't fall apart after I graduate
Road trip to Seattle/San Francisco?
Date
Take a photography class
Improve my wardrobe so I enjoy wearing my clothes
Make friends wherever I end up by next December
Get a great summer job (Heritage?)
Keep in touch with my incredible Provo friends
Develop some quality self-confidence

This coming year kind of frightens me. I have absolutely no idea where I will be by the end of this year. 7 is my lucky number so hopefully this will be my year... I do feel like I have revolutionized myself a wee bit this past year. I look kind of different, I have been workng on a gradual makeover for myself just so that I am more confident in my physical appearance at least. I have started going to the gym regularly (thanks to Slate). I have started to read my scriptures daily (I confess, this is the first time in my life I've done such a thing, so I'm pretty proud of myself). I have been shockingly honest with somene in a very vulnerable way. I have become Much more daring acting-wise as well, several people told me how impressed they were with this seemingly different Laura after my auditions final. I've put a lot of work into acting this year and I think that it shows. Auditions has made me a different actor. This year has also given me some Incredible friends. Seriously, I don't know what I would have done this year without Slate, Michelle, Christy, Jenny, Jennie, and Lauren. Some of the most supportive people I know. I owe a lot to them. And I have loved living so close to the Thomasons so that I could spend more time with all of them.

It's been a very challenging year, but one that I needed in order to face this next one I am sure. This coming year holds a lot of change in it, a lot of uncertainty. I'm scared, I don't know how I'll react, how I'll cope, how things will turn out. But there's nothing else to do but plunge forward, so plunge forward I will.

Here's to 2006, and to the future.

And my life is revolving around... Theatre

Well my resolution to improve my blogging frequency has failed miserably. Before the semester started I thought I would have more time than usual this semester-- I'm taking a smaller number of classes than usual. But as it turns out, surprise surprise, I'm really busy. So I apologize to any of you who are really interested in my life. Catherine emailed me and asked me what was going on with me, which I so appreciate. Thank you for being interested.

So here's my semester: I'm in two plays, taking two 'traditional' classes, and T.A.ing two classes. The plays give me class credit, so I have a normal amount of credits. I'm out of the house from 9 AM to 11 PM every day except for Thursday, and that usually only gives me two free hours between classes, which is often when I work with students. For the last two weeks I didn't even have that because Twelfth Night was running in the Nelke so I had to use those two hours to grab a bite to eat and get ready for the show. This is why nobody except people I talk to here in Provo know what is going on in my life.

This semester is kicking my butt. In a good way, but it's still happening. I'm taking this class, 'Auditions'. It's the most challenging acting class I've ever taken. I wasn't expecting what it is. I'm learning a ton and this class is so good for me, but I just wonder why some of this stuff isn't used in earlier classes, spread out a little bit, so perhaps we wouldn't feel so overloaded? This class is two hours, three times a week. There are eight students. We work on six monologues and two songs. And very new and different ideas are being introduced for us to use in these pieces. Now they're not completely new to everyone, people who have worked with Laurie, the professor, before have worked with these ideas already a bit. But I've worked mostly with Barta, never Laurie. Laurie is SO DIFFERENT. Let me tell you, these classes usually drain me for the entire day. They're kind of intense. Especially when you're working on a dramatic piece. It's like I've been stripped of everything I thought I knew about myself and my acting abilities and have been given different legs to walk with which I don't entirely know how to use. It's great.

Not only do I work with Laurie during Auditions, but she's also directing my senior project, Little Foxes. This is the hardest character I have ever had to play. I have been so frustrated. In the words of Barta: "every choice Laura would make will be wrong for Birdie." This character is so foreign to me. I have felt like I couldn't do anything right. I have felt emotionally stripped. In the last few days I have felt like I've been making some little steps toward the right place, but I'm not even halfway there and we have tech in a week and a half. I am kind of freaking out. Laurie gives me some bizarre directions, which I've struggled with. But I totally trust her, she's just completely different than anyone else I've worked with before. For example: "In this scene I'd like you to pretend you're conducting an orchestra." or "Pretend you're in a big field of huge dandelions." or "Play this scene like you're two years old." Honestly, I feel bad for her because I have been resisting like crazy, I just don't even know what to do with myself. And I know pulling things out of people is tiring, and Laurie has been giving so much for me. I have so much farther to go, I hope I can get there.

Everyone else in the cast is so great. Honestly, I am so honored to be in the same project with these people. I try to do homework when I'm not onstage but it is so fascinating just to watch these people. And some of them have so much passion for this piece, it's inspiring. I think I'm resisting being totally drawn into it because it's painful. I mean, I am playing an abused wife, so it's understandable that it would be painful, but I'm kind of surprised that I have resisted throwing myself into it. I feel like usually I'm pretty gung ho about theatre. I don't think I have really realized that's what I've been doing, like I just expected the performance to come without really sacrificing for it. I know I've been a little drained, what with Auditions and Twelfth Night, but I really hope to submerge myself now. I have to, these days are just going by so quickly. I'm scared I'm not going to get there before tech. I'm really scared about that.

No project has given me as much anxiety as Little Foxes has. I guess that's why it's my senior project. I'm being stretched SO much. To the point of tears, on several occasions.

Twelfth Night's run in the Nelke is done. I am so glad. I loved performing for adults, who got all the jokes in the dialogue and responded to them, (not that I don't love to perform for the children), but it was exhausting to go straight from classes to that to Little Foxes rehearsal. Our run for Twelfth Night was over two weeks, and all of our performances sold out so quickly! None of us expected this. They added a third show to our last saturday and added a week run in December. Wow, huzzah for Young Company. And I love my cast. I really love them. Young Company has given me so much in the past two years, I am so happy to be a part of it. It is so great to be able to just get away from everything every Tuesday, spend time with awesome people, and introduce kids to Shakespeare. I love it.

And T.A.ing is great. A challenge, but so rewarding. The professor for both classes (Intermediate Acting and Acting for Classics) is Stephanie (Foster) Breinholt (since Barta is out for the semester), and it's been great to see how she works. I've never been in a class taught by her, and I'm learning a lot. It's nice to be on the sameish side of the table as her, being the T.A. I also get to do scenes in Acting for Classics since there's an odd number, so I get to be coached by her too.

I'm also continuing with Thrillionaires Improvised Theatre Troupe. I play pretty much every Monday with them, and we have practices on Tuesday during my one and only break of the day. I also am taking voice lessons on Mondays, so time is pretty crunched. I'm taking with Korianne who was in Nunsense with Catherine and who I love. She's helping me a lot. I just wish I had more time to practice.

So my life this semester pretty much revolves around theatre, there's really nothing much else to talk about, but I could go on forever about any of my classes so I'll stop now.

I have a lot that I intend to say...

But for now, I'll just say that the first week of school was IMMENSELY stressful. But things have cooled off for now, and I'm enjoying low-key days before T.A.ing really sets in. Though I'm learning how to listen Laurie-style and it's really hard for me.

I thought you may enjoy some pictures of Twelfth Night. These are all of the production shots that were taken, so many of them are very similar. And my dress still needed some final adjustments at the time, so it doesn't look the greatest. Alright, disclaiming aside, here they are:

http://photo.byu.edu/markImages/2006/0608-84%20TMA%20Twelfth%20Night%20pr/index.html

"For the rain it raineth every day."

As a friend left the apartment today, she said "Have a good first day of school tomorrow!" And I realized, tomorrow could be my last first day of school in September which, for most of my life, has meant Back-To-School. A bit of panic bloomed within and I fear this panic will not go away, but will be a part of my ever increasingly anxious senior year. What if I don't get into a graduate school? That is so possible. Honestly, I am so terrified of what my life is going to be come April. And this is the beginning of the end.

I Love acting. Notice that capital L, it was on purpose. And I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing. But away from my safe haven of a school I don't know what is going to happen, where I'm going to go, how I'll make ends meet and totally support myself for the first time in my life when I have hated every job I've ever had except T.A.ing. These are questions most people have to face, and I know I'll get through it, but it's scary. If I got into grad school I would have a plan. But I can't just deny the fact that for girls my age it is terribly difficult to get accepted anywhere. I have to be prepared for making my own way somewhere.

Growing up, I always imagined that when I graduated from college I'd be married. I do not want to do this on my own.

But after these admissions and dwellings, what do I do? Well, I'll need to work on gaining some confidence in myself this coming year. Confidence while I'm at school is manageable at the moment, but confidence beyond that is very uncertain. And I know, what else can I do but keep working. As always, I will turn to what I can do. I'll focus on acting. Nothing else (except friends and family which are clearly imperative to my life) will fit into my schedule right now. And at least I know how to work on that if nothing else.

"And the light is softly low as our hearts become sweetly untied..."

I forgot to mention how the Palace was perfect for imagining I was in The Light in the Piazza...

In this age of the internet we can see pictures of practically anything in the world. But some things really do surpass a picture or any expectation. Michelangelo's David, for example, far surpassed what I had imagined him to be like. I almost didn't go see him in Florence because I'd seen pictures and thought that was probably sufficient, and the line to get into that museum can get very long. But he was truly magnificent in person. Indescribable, you know? You just have to see him for yourself. The Redwoods, on the other hand, didn't quite live up to my imagination. But the Golden Gate Bridge triggered an unexpected reaction: I loved it. I think it is so beautiful, and it is so different seeing it in person than on a postcard. I can't really specify a reason for loving it so much, I just know that I did. Boats were out, we saw some real-life crabs, looked at creepy Alcatraz, and took a foot-shot. Taking pictures of my feet is something I like to do when I travel, adopted from Sylvia. Just a picture of me being some place, from my point of view, my feet solidly planted in some place that I'm loving. They're just pictures of me being somewhere.

This day was gorgeous, as you can tell. Blue skies, blue water, plenty of sun but not hot. San Francisco weather is weather that I like. We found the beautiful path to get up to where we could walk across the bridge. Here's something that really struck me and which I love about San Francisco: how the city and nature are so interconnected, entwined. In a lot of cities I feel like nature has been pushed out, like our mighty metropolises will be made weaker or less functional if we allow nature to remain where it naturally belongs; we must conquer it and cover it with pavement. Now of course I'm describing an extreme here and our cities do always have some trees, some flowers, some parks. But San Francisco feels like the people are living more in nature than most cities I've been in. The trees there don't look like they've been strategically planted where they won't bother anyone or inhibit our businesses, that's just where they grow. Gardens are nurtured throughout the city, huge (some people would say inconvenient) hills are embraced-- these challenges to building and living are celebrated and are an integral part of the city's identity. Nature is clearly very important to the inhabitants there. It reminded me of Edinburgh in that way; right smack in the middle of Edinburgh, another delightfully hilly city, is Holyrood Park which includes this HUGE hill with Arthur's Seat at the top. It's this wonderful highland landscape within the city. Accordingly, San Francisco has Telegraph Hill, which I would visit our second S.F. day. And of course I'm not even mentioning the water, wind, and sky which are a presence in San Francisco.

Walking up to the bridge we encountered some tunnels which clearly beckoned to us. Yes, they were roped off, did that stop us? They turned out to be old batteries from war days. And how could we resist taking some Jumping pictures with the Golden Gate. I love jumping pictures, which is something adopted from Stephanie Breinholt. They just look so free and joyful. You have to jump in places that you love, places that make you feel how you look: so enraptured and happy that you cannot be rooted to the earth.

After walking across the bridge, which is not as good as gazing at it in my opinion but you have to have some direct personal interaction with it, and not in a car, we drove across it.

In "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers (which mostly takes place in San Francisco), he describes this drive:

"The bridge ends, the torn cotton clouds breaking up immediately, then it's clear, Easter blue, and we're on 101, but just for a second -- two exits and then we get off at Alexander, then come back under 101 and up the Headlandsdrive. As we climb with the road, right away above the Golden Gate, the clouds are suddenly below us, rolling through the bridge, fleece pulled through a harp.

Toph and I keep going up the hill because you have to go up to get to Black Sands, first straight up the hill, the road winding in and out, past all the tourists stopped for the view, looking down on the Golden Gate, and every time we double back toward the bridge, the view, biblical, presents itself, the view where one sees Treasure Island, and Alcatraz, then all ofRichmond, El Cerrito, Berkeley, and Oakland and then the Bay Bridge, then the white jagged seashells of downtown, the Golden Gate, blood red, then therest of the city, the Presideio, the avenues--

But we keep going, and as the road continues, winding up, the cars thin out,and at the very top of the hill/mountain, there are only a few sightseers left, and they are turning arond to go back down, three-point turning right at that WWII-era tunnel at the top, because it certainly seems like the road ends, right there, at the top of that hill--

But then the road continues, and there is a gate, a flimsy metal gate, right there, and it is open, it's probably always open. We keep going, not slowing...

The road, now a one-way, heads straight for the water, and it looks for about twenty seconds like we're going to go straight over...so we go slow, then the road starts bending right, and then down, and in a second we're driving parallel to the water, a few hundred feet up of course, for a while without even a visible cliffside to the left, just a sheer drop -- and then suddenly we see the Headlands whole, green and mohair hills, ocher velour,the sleeping lions, the lighthouse far to the left, unbelievable given we're ten minutes from the city, this vast bumpy land, could be Ireland or Scotland or the Falklands or wherever, and we snake down, with the road bending back and forth along the cliffside...lookee here, ha ha, look at this!"

The gate at the top was closed, but I got out and headed to the top on foot. On the way up I stepped off the road, pushed some branches aside, and looked off the edge toward the west and the lighthouse. It was such a view, and I felt like I was one of few people to have seen it. At the top there were these empty building which looked like they were built for birds? I don't know, but the view was incredible. I kind of wished it had been a cloudy/foggy day so we could see the clouds around the bridge, but I was also glad we got such a nice day as we did.

I wanted to stay there longer, or find the road I could see winding its way toward the lighthouse, but we had tickets to The Glass Menagerie that night at Berkeley Rep and we had to get dinner first. So we headed back down the hill and to the east to Sausilito. (Do you hear the pepperidge farms commercial for Sausilito cookies when you read that word, because I do.) Sausilito felt golden. It's got the Italian Riviera feel to it. We were in a bit of a rush, but still walked down the street next to the water in our perusings of restaurants. We ended up at this cafe which was open to the air and provided us with the best pizza Beth has ever tasted. It was Good.

I don't know how people who live in this area ever feel like they're not on vacation. It felt enlightened, paradisical. After living there, how could anyone live someplace like Utah? Not that Utah doesn't have its own beauties, but San Francisco is just an incredible blend of wide open blue skies and water with an infusion of golden light, delicious fog, verdant growing things, culture, hippie influences, and the great outdoors verging on the city. I understand why it's so expensive to live there, it's unlike anyplace else I've ever been.

We had to be on our way to Berkeley, but almost on the way was Lombard Street, the windiest street in the world. We really shouldn't have taken the time to drive down it because we were definitely cutting it close, but how could we not. And yes, we were late to the show, which has never happened to me before. I seriously thought they weren't going to let us in and that we would have wasted $30, and I was feeling really sick about it, but they answered our hopeful knocks. And there was another couple who were late and they showed us into the back of the theatre after the first scene. It was so nice to be seeing professional theatre again. It was really well done, not life-changing, but enjoyable. I've never actually fully read or seen this play, so I felt educated.

We dragged our weary feet home and fell into bed.

The next day we headed up to the Redwoods. First we drove through wine country, which was lovely in a golden way. I wished we had time to drive through Napa Valley or something, but getting to the Redwoods is quite a drive in itself. It was really enjoyable though, I drove most of the way up and winding through trees and mountains is fun. We saw some weird hippie stores on the way which was delightful. I really did enjoy the tree-hugging feeling; I certainly don't go to the extreme that a lot of people do, but it was nice to feel surrounded by people who had similar earth-loving feelings that I have.

The first thing we did was drive through a tree. It was definitely not as cool as I had imagined it would be. I guess my imagination is just too powerful because the redwoods did not live up to it. The forests were certainly beautiful and peaceful, and I Loved just being in a true forest again, but I did not feel dwarfed like I had been expecting. As soon as we could, we hopped out of the car and started hiking through the redwoods. Our destination had been the Avenue of Giants, but we weren't really sure when we were there, so in our enthusiasm we actually got out of the car a little too soon and spent a long time hiking in a forest of not particularly impressive redwoods. Well, the first 15 minutes were impressive, (I am standing in a tree here), but then we just hiked a looong time in regular trees. We just kept thinking, well we've got to be close to the top, after this hill we'll get there and then we can have a great view and head back. But after every last stretch, there was another one. It was hot, I didn't have enough unfrozen water, and there were TONS of mosquitos.

"From golden gate to roaring cliff-side..."

The week before we went to CA I would constantly get suggestions from random people on where I had to go. When I went in to get an oil change for my car a teenage employee relaxing behind the desk heard the man helping me mention that I was going to California, and though he had previously been silent, he immediately piped up that I had to go to the boardwalk at Santa Cruz. It was on our way to Monterey, so why not? When we arrived, the clouds suddenly disappeared, as if they'd never been, and we were surrounded by sunburnt swimwearing vacationers strolling around barefoot, whiling away the hours along the shore. The boardwalk was not exactly what I'd been expecting... it wasn't a boardwalk. There were no boards to walk on, just cement. It was like a mini amusement park along the beach. A very noisy, pricey, sticky amusement park crowded with kids running headlong towards anything that lit up and made noise. Well, I wasn't too impressed, but still told myself "it's one of the oldest boardwalks in America, you can at least appreciate that." Beth had never been on a ferris wheel, so to the wheel we went. We then stole a ride on the historic carousel, which I enjoyed. After that, we decided there was nothing left but to walk through the surf back to the car and continue on our journey.

Have I mentioned how exhausted we are at this point, the beginning of our trip? Unfortunately none of us had had enough sleep upon leaving Provo. Well, we're just in the mood to find a sunny spot of beach and sleep for an hour or two. Sadly, as soon as we left Santa Cruz, the sun left too and it was a bit chilly to be sleeping outside. We ended up driving the 17-mile drive at Monterey and soon ransacking the trunk of the car for anything that would aid in our sleeping endeavors. Beth's sleeping bag, Emily's blanket, and our respective jackets woud have to be enough. I have found that catching a nap somewhere will connect me with a place. It may sound weird, but after my Europe experience with Logan and Sylvia where we caught cat naps everywhere we went, I learned that I feel closer to a place if I've slept there. Or at least just sat and pondered there. So sleeping by the Pacific sounded great to me. The 17-mile drive is this drive which you have to pay to get into, and so there were hardly anyone on the beaches-- not to mention that it was kind of cold to be at the beach... So we had this pocket of sand all to ourselves. We climbed onto a big rock, laid out the sleeping bag and blanket, snuggled up, and napped, lulled by the waves. An hour flew by, and it was time to be going. The 17-mile drive is home to some outrageously expensive houses, the Lone Cypress, and seals (sea lions? I still don't know the difference.) If you look closely at the picture above, you can see a seal looking at you. They camouflage well.

By this point Beth is in love with the cypress trees.

We drove through Cannery Row a few times, but parking is ridiculous, so we eat elsewhere and return to grab some Starbucks later. I did not want to leave Starbucks. The drive home sounded unbearable, and I wasn't even the one who had to drive. Cannery Row looked so lovely and inviting. Starbucks always makes me feel comfortable, no matter where in the world it is. For some weird reason I always feel at home there and I love it.

We finally made it back home to the cats and books and hideaway bed.

We didn't make it out that early the next morning, which was a San Francisco day. Our first stop was the Palace of Fine Arts. We were loosely following an itinerary Logan had made for me because Logan knows what I like better than a lot of people. But first we got a wee bit lost (a common theme in our trip) and we drove around some really nice neighborhood for a while. I was really glad we did this time because we saw some beautiful San Franciscan streets. I again wished for the eyeball cameras because I was driving and couldn't take pictures. Honestly, gorgeous streets here where every house was in the same style but delightfully unique. We saw a parking spot so decided to just park and walk to the Palace. As soon as we got out we discovered the daunting stairs we'd be descending (and ultimately ascending), but did that stop us? Surprisingly no. You really can't see them in this picture to the right, just trust me, there were a ton of them. We were greeted by a truly beautiful view of the view though. Do you see that dome in the distance in the picture on the left? That was our destination. Straight downhill.


On our way, we caught our first view of the Golden Gate. It actually sent a thrill through me, Anne Shirley style.

Well, the walk was totally worth it, the Palace of Fine Arts is just a place that's beautiful, basically, it's not the art museum. It was built for a fair a looong time ago, meant to be torn down once the fair was over, but people liked it so much they decided to leave it. It looks Greek, and it is just one of those places I immediately love. We trudged back up the hills, and had very friendly encounters with non-tourists. I must say, people in San Francisco were really nice. The hippie influence? There were a few flowers painted on the stairs... Anyway, not fakey like I sometimes feel Utahns are, and just genuinely really nice and easygoing. I think I would love living there for a while...

"And the road a-winding goes..."

A couple of years ago I found myself repeatedly playing this game called Ten Fingers. In this game you say something you’ve never done, and everyone else who has done said thing puts a finger down. The winner/loser is ultimately the person who has experienced the least. This can be a good thing or bad thing, depending on who you are and what your fellow players are claiming they’ve never done. I was repeatedly the winner/loser, and I didn’t like that one bit. I’d never been to Disneyland/world, I’d never been the female lead in a show, I’d never been in a relationship, I’d never been to California. I felt like I hadn’t Lived. Since then I think I’ve been through a lot of good and bad, and though I’m still very inexperienced in some aspects I’ve conquered some of those Nevers in the past couple of years.

California is one of those Nevers that I’ve been trying to drive off to for a while. I’ve planned on going before just to have my fellow planner drop out on me. Well sometime during Winter semester, my friend Emily and I were lying on the Slab and she mentioned how she had never been to California and she’d always wanted to take off there, and I said “Me too, let’s go!” So we did. And my lovely roommate Beth came too. Three girls from New York, Pennsylvania, and Texas who’d never seen the Pacific had nothing else exciting planned for the summer. Honestly, I was dying to get out of Utah (I’ve been here all year, and won’t get away again until Christmas). I reasoned that this would absolutely be the best time to go. Who knows if I’ll live this far west again? I don’t have anyone dependent on me, I’ve got the time, and I have an Aunt and Uncle who live right outside of San Francisco, our destination of choice. (From my Ireland trip last summer I learned not to tackle too large of a geographical area at once, and to spend more time out of a car than in it, experiencing a place through the windows of a car is not satisfying.)

So early Tuesday morning, three very sleepy but excited girls piled into a car and we put the sun to our backs. It was a 13 hour drive, and things were going great. I quite enjoyed driving through the salt flats, it’s surreal and I was delighted to find a piece of modern art created by another man who was inspired by the surreality: Karl Momen, a Swedish artist, created the Tree of Utah. “A hymn to our universe, whose glory and dimension is beyond all myth and imagination.” Further along, people had written messages on the side of the road with rocks, and I was tempted to stop and create my own, but resisted. Nevada was Boring. But at least the road was straight and flat.




So far Beth had been sleeping in the back, but we woke her up to take the wheel and we crossed the border into California. The moment we did, the landscape was suddenly Gorgeous.We careened through mountaineous ranges of pines and pockets of sparkling lakes to the strains of "California" by Phantom Planet as loud as we could bear it. By some town in California there was this huge statue of a man bending down with a bowl, and I was the only one that saw it. I wasn't quick enough to take a picture, but I wish I had, it was really cool, and kind of random.

We made it to Oakland before the sun set, but promptly became very lost and very frustrated. We were all quite tired and were only too ready to find our destination: my Uncle Nick's and Aunt Jayne's house. We finally broke down and Beth went into a Safeway to get a map while I called my Uncle, admitting defeat. We were actually quite close, and in minutes we were finding a parking spot on this delightfully hilly, windy road crowded with houses. The neighbourhood cats followed us to the house. As they would continue to do every day when we dragged our weary feet to our temporary home in the middle of the night.

In general, I don't know my relatives well at all. Specifically, I didn't remember ever meeting my Aunt and Uncle, though I'm sure I have sometime years ago. Yes, I felt really awkward, but when do I not when I'm making small talk with people I don't know. I immediately liked them and loved their house. Books were everywhere. And then I looked into the study and literally half of the room was inaccessible because it was filled with PILES of books. Heavenly. I wish I'd taken a picture. These were obviously kindred spirits. I've never felt so immediately related to anyone else in my family. After chatting for a while my aunt, uncle, and cousin Aleck retired to their beds while the three of us planned for the next day. I fell asleep gazing at a huge, varied, incredible film collection sandwiched between more books.

On Wednesday we arose bright and early and drove south to Monterey. Devil's Slide was sadly closed due to cleaning up from winter's storms, but driving along the coast south of that along Route 1 was lovely. Our first stop: Pidgeon Point Lighthouse. My first lighthouse ever. The day was overcast, thrillingly foggy, and delightfully cool. Ideal weather for the summer, in my opinion. At times cool, but warming up quite nicely at other times. Definitely preferable to the current, stifling heat wave here in Utah. The lighthouse also housed a hostel. It all reminded me very much of Ireland. I soon decided that living on the California coast for a year would not be the worst thing in the world. We couldn't go to the top of the lighthouse, and so, alas, I could not re-enact "Candle on the Water" from Pete's Dragon. Another time. After wandering around, looking at seabirds and waves, we hopped back into the car. We passed an ollaliberry farm, but I was not quick enough to stop. Luckily, there was soon a U-Pick Strawberry farm, which turned out to be owned by the same people, and they sold their ollaliberry shortcake and pie there as well. We picked some strawberries for the road, ate ollaliberry shortcake, Beth revelled in the posters on the wall of the United Farm Workers Association. What are ollaliberries, you ask? Um, I'm not sure, but they look like big blackberries, and they're yummy.
One of my favorite things about this roadtrip is that there were three of us. We could do what we wanted, when we wanted to do it. Our only rule was that when you saw a sign or a road that you wanted to pursue and explore, vocalize that impulse and we'd do it. Hence the lighthouse, ollaliberries and strawberries, and historical general store. We continued on our way to Santa Cruz...

I never do this

but I'm going to write about someone specific in my blog. I am only doing this because it's all so outrageous that I can't believe it's my life, this person seriously is a movie character who stepped out of the silver screen right into the bedroom around the corner from me. Lucky me.

Let's call her Evanesce. Right from the introduction, kind of unbelievable, right? We haven't interacted much, but here's what I know:

She is very proud of her car. She refers to her car not as her car, but as her BMW. Why is someone who owns a BMW living in my gross house? On the day she moved in, Beth asked her, "is that your truck in the driveway?" (She was blocked in and needed to get out). "Oh no, that is NOT my car, I borrowed it to move and my BMW will be here tomorrow." She was very clear with us about the truck not being her car. Now we have a driveway which only one car fits in, if you park behind that car, the first car will be blocked in, which is a little bothersome. Therefore, the house rule is first come first served and everyone else parks in the parking lot right next to the house. It has worked very well. But this system is not good enough for Evanesce. She insists she wants to adhere to whatever we're doing now, but her BMW is consistently parked behind whoever is in the driveway and Beth must continuously ask her to move it at 4 in the morning when she goes to work. Her BMW is obviously too good for anywhere but the driveway, no matter who it inconveniences.

From the moment she moved in I have felt like I must be a revoltingly filthy person. She has made comments repeatedly about how we need to keep the house very CLEAN. I assure you, I am not, in fact, revoltingly filthy. But she makes me feel like I must be. She is anal about cleaning. My reaction? Live and let live, be as clean as you want and I will make sure that I respect that we live in the same space and not be inconsiderate of you, but I am a busy person and I will leave a dish in the sink from time to time, and my room can be as messy as I want it to be.

She wipes the toilet down with alcohol every time she uses it and hints that she would like us to do the same. Fat chance.

She spends a lot of the time in the bathroom and is scrupulously specific about how she looks.

She locks her bedroom door whenever she leaves it.

She is extremely skinny with long hair, latino, and I'm guessing she's thirty-something. Just so you can get a picture of her in your head.

Now I figure that we're only living together for a month and a half, and I am out of the house most of the day, so it's unlikely that we would have major problems. As I said, I live and let live. No, I may not be uber-friendly and ask all about her life, but I'm not mean either.

But I do like my sleep, and I do keep odd hours. I work until midnight every day, that means I never get to bed before 1 or 2, and I wake up at about 10, maybe later. (I am not in school, and plenty of sleep is certainly on the menu).

On Sunday I was awoken by Evanesce and Beth talking to each other loudly, Evanesce from her room, Beth from the bathroom which is right outside of my door. Sometimes I'm irrational when I wake up, especially if I have been woken up by something other than my alarm clock. I realize this and decided not to leave the room until Beth and Evanesce had left. I couldn't take a shower anyway since both of them were using the bathroom and I didn't want to say something I'd regret. The same thing happened yesterday morning. I was feeling rather civil for just having woken up and decided to address the situation right then instead of silently resenting Evanesce every time she woke me up. So I opened my door and said "Hey Evanesce, could I ask you a favor? I work every night until midnight, so I don't get to sleep until late, and probably will never wake up before 10, so I was wondering if you could just keep it down in the hallway in the mornings?" I acknowledged that the hours were weird, but I would really appreciate it. She said ok. Great, I had been nice, courteous, mature, I felt great.

Really, let your imagination run wild with this next part because I cannot nearly do it justice in the retelling.

This morning I was getting ready for my first job and she knocked on my door. She continued to pretty much attack me about commanding her to be quiet in her own house. She was so up in my face, yelling, slamming doors and then coming back out add more. She couldn't believe she had to deal with this stupidity, I was an idiot and I had better not dare to command her to do anything ever again. She would play her radio as loud as she wanted, she would talk as loud as she wanted, she would do whatever she wanted and she was commanding me to take it. She was talking a mile a minute. She did not have to listen to a twenty-year-old and if I continued to talk to her like that then I was going to have to repaint my walls. (I'm not sure what that meant, but it was very definitely a threat.) Two minutes after she said something she would say she hadn't said it, manipulating every word. I honestly have never felt so personally assaulted. It really shook me up. I was experiencing it, not believing it was actually happening, there could not be someone like this who actually existed, this sort of thing only happened in movies.

My wonderful roommate Beth came out shortly after Evanesce started in on me and she witnessed the whole thing and I am so glad. This is something which is so outrageous that I'm sure you think I'm exaggerating. Some of you I'm sure regard me as someone who adds a dramatic flare to every story I tell. I assure you, there is no need to make this more dramatic than it was. Ask Beth, she is a very diplomatic, non-aggressive personality who is extremely fair about everything. She agrees with me, there is something wrong with this girl. She heard how nicely I asked Evanesce if she could be quieter, and she heard the unbelievable response a day later. She suggested we not be home alone with her so each of us would always have a witness, and she suggested we lock our bedroom doors.

When I left the bathroom a bit ago, I saw that Evanesce was home. I immediately fled to my room, turned off the light, and locked the door. That was honestly my instinct, the last thing I want is to interact with her again. This is ridiculous.

"I hear in my mind all this music, and it breaks my heart"

Infidelity by Regina Spektor

On Thursday I had to do a favor for my sister which required me to drive all the way to Heber. I was happy to, I love driving through the canyon! I had this big project due on Thursday and it was kind of a reward after staying up late working on that to drive in glorious mountains and air and trees. It was so beautiful it broke my heart. I know that sometimes I may complain a lot about Utah, but I seriously appreciate having been able to experience the beauty of these mountains. And the sunsets. And the spiral jetty. I just wish I could have explored more in my time here. I know there are countless beauties which I have no idea are out there. That makes me sad. I wish I had a personal guide to Utah's beauties, someone who knew what I would like, someone who would make me put down the book or homework or movie and get out there.

When I was little I would wish that my eyeballs could have tiny cameras inside I could control with my mind so that I could take pictures of everything I saw as I saw it, without the use of my hands, without anyone knowing, without taking the trouble of pulling out a camera and turning it on, etc. It would be so much more efficient than a normal camera. I certainly wished the same thing as I was driving.