I left BYU and found my testimony.

Have you ever seen those t-shirts? I think it's true.

And just so you know, I don't just enjoy taking pictures of myself. In fact I have to be very sneaky about it since I'm always using my computer in public places. But Elizabeth had a fun idea that I always post a picture of myself. I should start being more creative with it though. Here's me in my tie outfit. Catherine was quite surprised when she heard I wore a tie when I was in NYC. It's actually Christopher's tie, maybe I accidentally stole it.

Tonys: Boring. I liked Spring Awakening, and I'm sure The Coast of Utopia is a work of genius, but did they really have to win everything? No. Did they deserve to win everything? No. I feel like the voters were just giving themselves a nice pat on the back for celebrating such a 'subversive' and edgy work and a 9-hour long play which they probably only understood half of. Don't get me wrong, I love Tom Stoppard, and there were certainly many incredible actors involved. But do you ever feel that people just celebrate things that are too intelligent to understand just because they can't understand them? I pretty much think anything Coram Boy was nominated for it should have won (especially Best Director), but it won nothing. The 'previews' for numbers later on, made in character, were awkward. What was that Ugly Betty boy doing there? He confused me. I didn't know who he was and had to text Catherine to clear it up. Curtains looked awful. I really like David Hyde Pierce but I hated that number they did. I still wish I could have seen some of Legally Blonde, I was disappointed they didn't have a number. Someone told me they would. I can't believe Curtains was nominated over that, it seems like such a money-maker. No, that shouldn't reflect in Tony nominations, but it does.

Talking with Susannah yesterday was great. She is so sweet and so friendly. I was kind of amazed when I followed her around church and observed first-hand how friendly she is to Everyone. And it was very encouraging to talk with her about the program. I find myself getting tired, and talking about the program and her hard times with it, then the great things about it really gave me a second (third? fourth?) wind.

And Barta called to check up on me, which was way nice.

So today started with a first showing of our second Chekhov scene. Last night I kind of just felt like, what the hell, whatever I do will be wrong so I'll just have fun with this. Then this morning I was like "what was I thinking?! I should have read the play again and run the scene ten more times!" Well, it turned out alright. There's plenty of work to be done with it, but we just got the scene on Friday so I really don't feel bad about it. We were memorized which is more than everyone can say. And surprisingly enough, our instructor had some positive things to say about it. It was definitely still harsh, but those couple of comments made me feel good.

In Extended Character we were to have our first performances of our monologues. I don't remember if I mentioned, but I decided to do Padraic from "The Lieutenant of Inishmore" by Martin McDonaugh. The cutting off the nipple speech. I was totally memorized and I absolutely should have gone in class today, but I didn't! I'm a little ashamed. I just wanted to work on it a little more before I got up there, but I really should have just gone. Lots of times the more spontaneous you are the better you are. Oh well, I'll go first on Wednesday. And I want to find a razor to play with. I need to get rid of this habit of hanging back til near the end.

We had movement again today, which was great. But sometimes I get really distracted when I should just be focusing on my breathing or something, looking at everyone and thinking how ridiculously odd this would look to my mom if she walked in the door. I mean, at times when everyone is basically writhing on the floor, or we're dancing around the room silently letting our arms be as tense-free as possible. But I love it, and it's good stuff, you know? It would just seem so crazy to some random person who stumbled into the room accidentally.

During Movement, Daniel arrived (dum dum DUUUUUUM!). He was at a workshop last week, so today is the first time we've seen him. He's the head, and the one who auditions. As soon as he entered the room I knew who he was. Every atom in my being knew who he was. And suddenly things turned competitive. Ug, don't you hate that? But it was just instinct, it kicked in so hard. Well, I suppose I shouldn't care if it gives me an extra edge of focus.

Camera today was a good class. It was confusing. It was changing. I still can't believe how flustered a camera makes me. It's so silly. I thought I would be perfectly fine, but as soon as I got up there my giggling started: the sign that I'm self-conscious. What made it slightly worse is that I'd asked this guy to be my partner, and I picked the most attractive guy because my monologue is about how I'm incredibly attracted to him even though I'm saying no, I will not go out with him. On the first day of the program I pretty quickly identified the guy who was most attractive to me (which isn't necessarily the most attractive guy to everyone...) which was just a bad idea. Why did I do that? I should have focused on work. Anyway, the exercise started out where you just sit up there, the class gives you a topic to discuss, and you just talk with the scene partner. What was my topic? Boys. What makes me flustered and self-conscious? Boys. I never talk to boys about boys. That's girl talk. What were they thinking? I was so flustered, it's so silly. He asked me what my type was and I didn't know. Then they asked what I looked for in a husband. What?! What kind of question is that? I don't know, I've barely dated. And sitting across the table from me is an attractive boy. Eventually the question turned to college. Oh boy, whenever college comes up, Mormons come up. Now everyone knows I'm mormon. Again, not a bad thing, just not a label that i want placed upon me. I don't want assumptions made. I want people to know me for me, not for just being a mormon, though of course that is part of me. All of this was just so vulnerable. I was talking about very personal, vulnerable things in front of everyone. Usually I discuss such things on a one-on-one basis, if I feel comfortable enough. But here I am, spilling my guts to a bunch of people I don't really know. One of them being very attractive. It was just crazy vulnerable.

And doing my monologue was hard, and usually that one (the Greys Anatomy one) is really easy for me. Man, camera is crazy. It's so different. I need practice so badly and there is no opportunity. We only have two more classes, not nearly enough time. Hillary is SUCH a great teacher. I loved what she was doing with everyone. Not just film technique, but monologue work. She knows her stuff and she knows how to nail you. And she's so positive. Everyone did the best work I've seen them do yet.

Now I need to watch that tape and I am dreading it. And I'm a little embarrassed about the boy situation. Hillary said it was very brave of me to ask him to be my partner, what does that mean?

You know what's unnerving? You're not supposed to take your eyes off your scene partner when you're doing a close-up, and so he or she, if they're a good scene partner, won't take their eyes off of you. It's awful. I didn't realize how MUCH I hide from people. It was so uncomfortable to have him just staring at me. And I desperately did not want to keep my eyes locked on him more than one second at a time. But I was not supposed to look away, ever. It was a revelation of how much I hide. From everyone. All the time.

You know what else is unnerving? How I don't think I will ever have a boyfriend I really like because I will always be so freaked out that I will run away and unless the boy really fights to get me to stop freaking out nothing will ever happen. I have already witnessed how I run away from boys who flirt with me. I literally ran away. Not to mention me flirting with anyone. There is plenty of opportunity, and I have definitely noticed a difference between boys here vs. boys in Utah. Boys in Utah hardly ever flirt with me, but here, there's a lot more checking out going on. I usually don't really believe that it's happening, but it is. And I could flirt, but I usually just keep my eyes down, turn inward, and go about my own personal business. What is going to happen to me? I have really messed myself up here. Or perhaps I can just blame it on all the boys I've liked who have not liked me back. Because really, isn't that why I'm so freaked out? Because I ventured with those other guys and got shut down? I just need a guy to go out on a limb for me, and then maybe I'll learn how to interact normally.

For Rockstar I've decided to be a Spice Girl. Me and some girls in my group are going to perform 'Wannabe'. I'm Scary Spice. I would kind of prefer to be an artist I really like (as much as I enjoy that song during workouts), but I did want to do a song that rocked. Most of the artists on my iPod are a little mellower.

I don't like how affected I am by whomever I'm performing with. It always happens during callbacks, I second guess myself or am just influenced by other people performing. I've not performed to the best of my ability here, and it's because lots of people here are not the caliber that BYU people are. That sounds awfully rude, and it certainly has so much to do with the training they've had and our short preparation time. But it's true. And I know that if some certain BYU people were here, I'd be stepping it up a notch. I need to.

I don't really have time to explain the title, but I have definitely found that it is so much better being a mormon here than in Provo. The past year has been interesting, and I'm glad I've done what I've done. In a way, I would not have been prepared to be here where I am the only mormon, frequently explaining mormons or defending mormons, if I hadn't gone through the process I have in the last six months. I went to church yesterday for the first time since Christmas. I'm glad. And I'm glad I stayed away when I did. It's so much better to be going because I want to rather than going because I knew I was supposed to or felt guilty about it. There are certainly plenty of things which I still don't enjoy or agree with, but I'm become better at forgiving people for faults rather than seeing those faults as part of the gospel. And I feel so much better about taking the time and effort to choose being mormon rather than just being mormon because that's how I was raised.

Sunday... in the green silver chromium diner...

Funny how much more I enjoy church when I'm not in Provo.

Maybe I regret inviting everyone over for Tony sunday. And maybe I'm excited to see the Legally Blonde number.

Catch up day. Remember how these titles used to be interesting quotes?

Today, as you can see, I'm at Barnes and Noble. This is preferred because I don't have to buy anything. But it's farther away.

I have some catching up to do, which is unfortunate because my brain is so fried I can't remember anything.

Wednesday night was a sad night. I was bummed about that Chekhov scene and I just needed to take my mind off of acting for an hour, that's all I asked. And So You Think You Can Dance? (SYTYCD) was just the ticket. But alas, it was a very windy day so I got home to find that our satellites had been messed up and I couldn't watch tv! I left the tv on for like two hours, hoping the tv would come back but it never did. I was pretty angry. Exhaustion + disappointment + loneliness can make your temper very short. I took a nap, and when 8:00 came and went with no luck, I grabbed my wallet and some shoes and went out the door. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, but as I turned onto the mall I decided a movie was what I needed. A movie I hadn't seen before. I'd heard good things about Knocked Up, so there I went. (I would have preferred 'Paris, Je T'aime', but the arthouse cinema would have been a drive rather than a walk). I felt like a loser, the theater was pretty full and I walked in late, so everyone saw me sit down by myself. The movie did take my mind off of things, and some of those side characters are Hilarious (Paul Rudd and his wife especially, plus that Firefly guy and his co-worker woman). But it also made me think: "boys are gross. Really gross. And stupid. Stay away from me." It also made me feel very alone.

Thursday started out with the same negative feeling. Which is bad, and I knew it, because going to a program like this, you have to be totally into it or it's a waste of everyone's time. As it turned out, Hip Hop was what shook me out of it. It was our last day and we were doing some really fun partner work. By the end of class I was enjoying myself again and taking things a lot less seriously, which is exactly what I need to retain. I take things way too seriously. Doing that partner work also helped us bond as a group.

Friday was a good day. We had Movement, which we hadn't had since monday, and I really enjoy that class and the instructor. We also had Camera for the first time, taught by Hillary who also co-teaches Voice. She is the essence of quirky fun, I love her. And she really knows what she's doing with camera work-- she's specific, frank, won't let you get away with anything, but so positive. We also had our dialect day in Extended Character which was fun. I was pretty shy, which is unfortunate because I'm good at dialects. They heard my Irish though because the monologue I chose for the class was Padraic from 'The Lieutenant of Inishmore'. I also had a great collage.

And I had to do that Chekhov scene for the last time yesterday! I am so glad. It wasn't fun to be nitpicked by Jennifer, but it had to be done. She just knows everything. She's been studying Chekhov for 30 years so she has the plays pretty much memorized and has an opinion on THE way to do EVERYTHING. Plus, after being hardwired to communicate in terms of objectives and tactics for the last 6 years, switching to someone else's system is difficult for me. It turns out that everyone is as frustrated with her as I am though, so at least I'm not alone in that.

My next Chekhov scene, with a different partner! is Arkadina and Treplev from The Seagull. It's a really funny scene, I am so glad. We were supposed to rehearse today, but I'm pretty sure my scene partner got totally hammered last night, so that will have to wait til tomorrow and I don't mind that at all.

So I went to my first bar last night. Everyone went out for drinks after school ended, to the Rockbottom Brewery. I also had calimari for the first time (Octopus!). I didn't like it. The rubbery texture, and the fact that it's curly like a tentacle, I could not handle it. After a couple hours at the bar we split up, half went to a gay bar to hit the booze a bit harder, half of us went in search of a movie and more booze to bring back to the apartments. In honor of our Chekhov filled week, vodka was purchased. Here are my thoughts on hanging out with drinkers. It's not that fun. Most of my half of the group didn't get thaaat drunk, but I still felt rather left out and kind of stupid. I also felt like half the conversation went over my head as it pertained to alcohol, nasty movies I have not seen (though they were talking about how unnecessary the graphic parts were), sports, songs I don't know... The other half of the conversation was great, these people are really passionate about theatre and it was nice talking about it with them. But they are definitely part of a different culture, and I felt like an outsider. And it was kind of depressing that this young group of people's idea of a good friday night activity was basically just to get drunk. It was centered on alcohol. I understand a drink with dinner or something, but come on, isn't there more to life? Maybe I just don't get it because I haven't tried it.

Ironically enough, hanging out with them last night turned me off from drinking, whereas living in Provo I have been incredibly tempted to try it.

Despite my loneliness this week, after spending all day yesterday with classmates, I was so ready to spend today by myself. Well, I would have preferred to have a friend with me. But a friend from before. I slept in, which is greeeat. So appreciated. I haven't been this exhausted in a while. Only because the exhaustion is from so much new, different stimulation in addition to mental focus, sleep, physical exercise, and homework. I watched half of The Village, kind of expecting my scene partner to call, and then decided to let him sleep or whatever and headed out to the art museum.

On my way, I walked through the Civic Center Park. It has trees, grass, flowers, and lots of greco-roman architecture/art. You know, columns and an amphitheatre-ish thing. It was really pretty and flanked by the city hall and the state capitol. But the only people in it were lots of homeless people. I certainly don't blame them, if I were homeless I would want to hang out somewhere pretty too. But it was sad. Ironic. There are a lot of homeless people here. On the mall at least. Lots of street performers too though, I like them.

I was so sad to find that their impressionist collection had been lent to the Louvre, but when the Louvre calls, you don't say no. I really enjoyed the museum. They had lots of really interesting pieces, and it was small and intimate. I felt like the museum was very well organized, well cared for, very public-friendly and kid-friendly, and passionate about its work. There were some great pieces from Native American tribes on the Northwest coast-- totem pole culture and lots of masks. Very interesting. Plus tons of artifacts from pre-columbian central america. They also had a really great modern art exhibit visiting. I was disappointed in the museum shop because they had no postcards, and really hardly anything pertaining directly to their art. Mostly dishes and clothes and stuffed animals type things.

Seeing the European art that they did have and flipping through the books in their discovery room made me long to be in Europe. Will it ever stop? Do I ever want it to?

So tonight I'm going to clean my apartment, it's gotten pretty messy and I'm hosting a Tonys party tomorrow. I am also going to watch a movie, The Piano I think. And tomorrow I'm going to church at 8:30, ew. With Susannah, hurray.

Feel free to call any evening...

Wednesday Post

After BYU, It's weird not only being somewhere where I'm the only mormon, but performing for and with people that I don't know, and not being known by others. Not having a place. At BYU, at least for this past year, I felt like I had a place. I had a reputation-- I'm not sure what it was, but people had an idea of me. It's also weird to me that everyone else doesn't know about my many insecurities. Because I feel like with my last few major acting classes at BYU everyone was so very well aware of most of them. But here, for all everyone else knows I could think I was great. It's empowering in a way. I can have that reputation here, that I'm confident. Except of course, I'm not, and that will eventually come out. Well, I am, but it's still on weak legs. It's a weird thing, something I don't like, but of course the optimist in me also says that it's a great opportunity.

Today was hard. Hip-hop first thing in the morning. It exhausted an already exhausted me. And I had my first preview for Chekhov today, and let's just say that I'm a perfectionist for one thing. I'm never satisfied with my work. But I expected something more. And I fear that all this work in the past year on being vulnerable has messed me up a little. That's always my first direction now. I was playing Elena, in a scene where she should be on about equal status with Astrov, and there was no question in the audience that my status was way below his. That wouldn't have happened a couple of years ago, I would have chosen the strong choice. Even in the past year I've been constantly told that I continue to make anger choices first, and I didn't with this scene. But people can still be strong without being angry and I don't know but I just feel messed up. Out of balance. Like I can't trust my instincts? Which is a wretched way to feel for an actor. You're not supposed to feel that way. I also may just be intellectualizing everything too much, which wouldn't be surprising.

But we did have a pretty amazing Extended Character class on body forms today. There are six basic body forms which are hardly seen out in the world as pure or extreme. Usually people are constantly switching from one to another, mixing up different aspects of different ones. It will certainly make me look at people differently. I loved it.

cyberspace

My Tuesday post disappeared while I was trying to post it, yesterday I was just too tired to get myself to a Starbucks, today Starbucks is about to close and I had homework to do. So you'll get posts tomorrow.

Big Spender

Big Spender

Fun Denver Fact of the Day: Prostitutes don't dress like prostitutes here, they look like you and me. So if you find yourself in some seedier parts of town (Colfax, don't walk down that street), you will find yourself getting cat calls and people asking how much you are because they think you're a prostitute. I will be staying away from Colfax.

First thing today: Voice. There's a duo teaching it and they're great fun. I'm excited. BYU is such good training, I feel so prepared for what we do here, so prepared to go into an MFA program, and I would feel so prepared to go out into the world if there was more audition experience involved at BYU. We're repeating some stuff I've already been taught, but review is good, and it's from different people so it is slightly different. And we go beyond what I've been taught. Hurray BYU.

Well we had our first hip-hop class. It was fun, kind of crazy, beyond my abilities, but a good time was had by all. The teacher is great, and pretty attractive. Really, I give it a whole-hearted try, but I am not hip-hop material my friends. I just pretend to be. The teacher just has it, that attitude, and it's just not in my body. I have more respect for all the hip-hoppers on SYTYCD. As long as it's choreographed hip-hop. This class led me to the conclusion that when I move to wherever I move to, I should enroll in a dance class. Hopefully they'll have something at my gym, but I need to start dancing because it is a workout, but fun. And memorizing choreography is good for your brain. I am happy to say that I'm more in shape than I used to be, I know I would have had a harder time with the class a year ago.

And who showed up in my hip-hop class? Susannah! She just graduated from NTC and was at BYU at the beginning of my time here. I thought she would be out of town, but she is teaching the teen intensive. I think I'm going to go to church with her on Sunday, I'm so glad I get to talk with her! (Catherine, she's moving to NYC at the end of summer and wonders if you remember her).

Something I forgot about yesterday is that I kind of got into a mormon ramble. I've been oddly self-conscious of the fact that I'm mormon and I came from BYU...

First Day

Whoa.

So here I am at Starbucks because I don't get internet in my apartment. This is unfortunate because I'm paranoid that people are going to look over my shoulder and see what I'm doing. What I'm writing. See me taking pictures like the one above. I also had to buy a cocoa. Otherwise I feel guilty. I also only get two hours. See, Denver has this awesome thing where you can use the internet for two hours in a 24 hour period when you're on the 16th St. Mall. Way cool, except that it was INCREDIBLY slow when I tried using it sitting on a bench out in the street, so I had to come into Starbucks.

I like Denver because people are always out and about. In a very friendly, living sort of way. I feel like the people here enjoy good company and strolling and it reminds me very slightly of la passagiata in Florence. Very slightly. But they could all be sitting at home watching TV and they're not. I love them. It does make one a leetle bit lonely though when you're in town with no friends. Yet.

The 16th St. Mall is a long street where only pedestrians, the lightrail, and horses and buggies can go. Plenty of good shopping, plenty of good eating. There are several delicious looking bakeries, which is my weakness. But what a nice part of town. Every town should have one of these. Then maybe more people would walk and talk.

One great thing about my apartment: directTV. Too bad I have no time to enjoy it! Another Great thing about my apartment: a gym. I haven't been there yet, but I hope it's a good one. I'm pretty happy I don't have to pay $75 for a month membership.

So today was the first day of the workshop. I was the last one to arrive, how embarrassing! I would say how unlike me, but my first classes of the day this past year can attest to the fact that I was consistently a few minutes late. I wasn't late this morning, but everyone else was early. More than one minute early.

First impressions during orientation: ok, these students don't look too scary and Impressivo like I imagined them (I imagined them as super-talented geniuses). They look my age or younger for the most part (I imagined them all as 25-30 years old with loads of world and work experience). And this building/space reminds me of Geva, which is comforting. These professors seem nice, but I'm a little terrified of that woman who showed me where the theater was, why aren't I better at small talk?!

They took us on a tour of the building, and it really reminded me of a Geva with far more studio space. There are like 12 studios or something ridiculously nice. Not too many windows though... We're going to be working in the Company space, but today and tomorrow when the company is auditioning we are using the NTC space. Oh how I want to go to school here! I just found out that they pay for your gym membership as well as your school and housing and equity membership. Dreamy.

There are 29 students, split into two groups: Gilbert and Sullivan. I am in Sullivan. I have no idea if that means anything. There is one other girl here who came to callbacks in March for the MFA program, but ultimately wasn't accepted. She's in the Gilbert group. I like her, she's the one I've talked with most, so I wish she was in my group. Our first class we were altogether for movement. Our movement instructor is quite a character.

Oh yes, on my journey here I also drove throught the infamous town of Laramie. As Bob the movement instructor mentioned. Dick Cheney has also lived there, he said with a derisive glint in his eye.

Movement was great, I neeeded that relaxation.

We will be learning hip-hop and Afro-Cuban dance. What?! I hope that I have learned from my hours of watching So You Think You Can Dance? At least it's not ballet.

So at lunch time my fears and panic attacks seem to have been forgotten. I feel like I can do this. In fact, by the end of the first class in the afternoon I'm feeling a little guilty because this seems like it's going to be way too fun. Like, BYU gave me all that money to just have fun here? Not to make that class (Extended Character) seem like it's not going to be hard, it is. It's going to be way hard. But fun. I really like the guy who's teaching it, he's pretty awesome and not intimidating. Some of our assignments for that class:

-Pick a monologue for a character of any type, gender, age, etc. that is a stretch for you. I can play anyone in any play in the history of theatre that i want to. My mind is blown. What would you play? I really want to know, please comment. Every one of you. Remember, any gender.

-Pick a scene for a character, same as above.

-Pick a monologue from a film/TV to exactly mimic. Favorite performance? I will impersonate the actor playing the role down to every twitch of the eye, inflection of the voice. A la Grey Gardens second act. Again, my mind is a little blown.

-Same with scene from Film/TV

-Pick a song for ROCKSTAR exercise. We will each lipsynch and air guitar our way through our favorite song. We will rock this joint, getting the performance down to every word, every breath.

-All of the impersonations above are NOT judgemental. I'm not commenting on the actor or myself, I am just being the actor or singer. So many songs, what to choose?! What would you choose? Again, I really really want to know. I have minimal contact here, folks, please humor me.

It's 8:30 and my mind is still blown. I feel like I have no mental power left to focus on anything, but I have so much to do! And I must get to bed by a reasonable time because I need sleep, 9 hours of it, to focus from 9-5 every day.

So I get to Scene Study, my last class of the day, with that woman who kind of terrifies me. Only because she's the head of the MFA acting program here and she got her BFA and MFA from Yale and worked with Juilliard for a couple of years and is buddies with the top playwrights of the business and oh my heavens I'm intimidated. Tonight I must come up with a kickbutt presentation on Chekhov's life. And read his letters. And reread Uncle Vanya. And memorize my lines for my scene (Elena in U.V., the goodbye scene with Astrov). And find a stimulating picture for Character, whoa I forgot about that, I should not be wasting my precious internet time. By the end of Scene Study I was losing it. I could not focus anymore. Bless that hampster who died causing the instructor to end class a bit early so she could comfort her grieving son. Oh that is horrible! So horrible. I don't bless that he died, that's sad.

See? I'm done. But I have so much to do. And I have to go back tomorrow. This workshop is going to be hard. I think it's going to be really fun too. I wish we could get to know the other class better, I think we're barely going to see them.

There is one person here who is older. Like older older. He's my scene partner. Love interest. Hm. It is weird to be scene partners with people I don't know at all, people I haven't even played trust games with. I suppose trust and knowing will come soon, but it's still weird after being at BYU where I knew everyone.

The classes are great. I took so many notes. I wish I had time to process. And time to do all the reading I want to. I forgot to mention the library! They have a great, really really GREAT script library here. I've already borrowed three scripts which they do not have at BYU, Chekhov's biography, and Chekhov's love letters. When will I read these? I have no idea. I can't wait til the weekend.

Have I mentioned how much I want to go to Denver Center for my MFA? It's been one day and I'm kind of sold. I don't doubt I will just get further impressed the more time I'm here.

I'm so scared of doing my first scene. It's one thing to do monologues I've already prepared, but to do a scene in two days I just got today? A little scary.

Heavens, I know I'm scattered. Blame the limited internet time and my fried brain.

Leave comments.

Have you seen the muffin man?

Like Catherine, I am also looking for recipes. Healthy ones. I often crave baked items, so I am looking for some uberhealthy muffins or cookies or bars. Something that I can bake at home, because homebaked is almost always tastier and healthier than preservative-packed store items. Chocolate is preferred, but other flavors are good too. Bran? Wholewheat? Please send them this way.

Journey to Denver

Well I started out my trip to Denver an hour late, in true Sorensen fashion. I had lunch with Amy and the kids in Heber, and then drove East. This was my longest drive I've personally accomplished to date: 7.5 hours, all by myself, and it went pretty well. The first few hours scenery-wise was pretty boring. I thought I might fall asleep, (I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before), but I was alright. Something I'm so glad I had: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on my iPod. It's going to be hard resisting reading the rest before my trip back, but it was such good listening that I will have to! Halfway through Wyoming the scenery got really pretty, so that helped keep my interest sharp. I had to take a bathroom break, and so I stopped at this little gas station. The signs were pretty adament that I was NOT allowed to use the bathroom unless I was a customer, so I bought this soda:



I've never seen it before. And I never tasted it because it kind of exploded in the car.



I think wind turbines are Gorgeous. I honestly think they are so beautiful and why aren't they used more often? I can't take my eyes off of them whenever I drive by them. There were a few rows of them in Wyoming (this isn't my picture...)



And this is such a poor example of the beautiful scenery, but it's all I could manage since I was the one and only driver. I passed an abbey in Colorado, in the mountains, and I was so tempted to stop. But I was already running late and I didn't want Aunt Meg to be worried, so I passed it by. Maybe on the way back.

I got to my Aunt's house in Loveland, went to bed pretty early, slept really late. Then we went to lunch, on a few errands, I read Uncle Vanya (which I loved), took a walk around the lake she lives by, watched Ocean's 12 on tv, read a bit, and went to bed. It was nice getting to know another relative, I liked her a whole lot. And she has a Delightful dog, Ebony. She snuggled up right next to me both nights I spent at the house.



And here I am in Denver. I was a little impressed with myself that I did not get lost, nor took any wrong turns. Thank you Googlemap. I unloaded my car and then went to park it in the Denver Center parking garage for the month. On my way back I took some pictures. Sorry, I cannot figure out how to turn them... Here's a huge bear trying to get into the Convention Center? Peeking in? I don't know, but I like it.



Here's the Denver Center. Kind of deserted on a Sunday morning, but very aesthetically pleasing.



Here's the Tramway building where I'll be taking my classes. It is maybe a five minute walk from my apartment, how nice! You can see a glimpse of the mountains back there, and a church steeple. Downtown Denver is pretty charming.



And I can already tell there is plenty of good shopping and good food to be had here. I passed a gelato place on this street, I will have to go there once. Good thing I'm only here for a month.



Lots of statues around, I like it.



A clock tower with a bell!



And here's the view from my room. I have a little balcony. I like that it's westward so I can see the mountains a bit. I can also see the Tramway building and the tip of the Denver Center.



Another view.



And this is my apartment. All to myself. As it turns out, I won the lottery and got a studio apartment so I have no roommates. That's great, but I hope it doesn't harm my making friends process. I thought it might be nice to have a roommate to be friends with right off the bat. But quiet will be good too. And it's my own space to practice monologues and such. It's a nice place, plenty of space, my bed pulls down from the wall in the living room so I never have to really make it! All the necessities plus direcTV

So now what? I've unpacked everything so I'm quite at home. I've got an audition this evening, and I have to get to the grocery store, but other than that I can just relax! And practice my monologues. I think I might explore the neighborhood a bit more. I still can't believe how close my apartment is to DCPA. Heavenly. And I really do like the look of this city. I think I'm going to really enjoy my time here. And I'm glad I have a car! I hope to get some good hiking/trail walking in while I'm here. Speaking of mountains, I hope to always live near some, I love them.

Please comment. I am already homesick for people I know and it's only been a couple of days! Better yet, give me a call sometime. It is far too easy for me to retreat into solitary singledom here in my lone apartment, and I don't want to. I'm still nervous for tomorrow, but I hope I find some good friends here.

Love land here I come.

Months ago I got a brochure in the mail from the National Theatre Conservatory, advertising for their Summer Intensive Workshop. I imagine they send these to everyone who auditioned for their MFA program in February. At the same time, I heard something about the Fulton Grant application deadline coming up. Well, I dedided to apply for both, basically for the heck of it. I didn't expect to get positive responses from either. But I was probably feeling low about all of my graduate school rejections and I wanted to keep possibilities open. During graduation week I heard that I'd gotten the grant. Almost all of what I'd asked for, actually. Last time I got a grant they gave me a smidgeon of what I'd asked for, so I was very flattered to be given so much. I would certainly not have been able to do the workshop without the grant covering all of it. But I had yet to hear from NTC, and I wasn't expecting a positive. Of course, I probably always say this, setting myself up for failure, because I don't want to get my hopes up. That happens all too often with auditions.

Well, my Thursday night in NYC I returned back to the hostel before anyone else after spending a night with my sisters. I used the alone time to unwind, check blogs and emails... and there was the letter from NTC in my inbox. I was elated. I've had a lot of rejections, and not many acceptances, and it was a great feeling. I felt like squealing with glee. But there was no one there to share it with, so I smiled to myself. It has been really nice to be able to tell people my good news for once, and the title of the National Theatre Conservatory sounds impressive so even if people have no idea what it is, they're impressed.

The program is one month, 9-5 every week day. It is taught by the National Theatre Conservatory faculty, and you're encouraged to attend if you're interested in the MFA program there, which I am. The curriculum includes classes in the following: Acting, Audition Techniques, Dance (mrrr), Film and Television Technique, Movement, Improvisation, Shakespeare, Singing, Speech, Stage Combat, Commercial Voice Over, Yoga, and Trapeze (yikes).

All that I know specifically is that I have to have the four main Chekhov plays read and have two monologues, one in classical verse and one contemporary, prepared for the first day of class.

So I returned to Provo and had to turn down my dreamy job at Heritage since I'd be gone for the whole month of June. Very sad. I found some temp work for the few weeks I've been here, and my have those weeks flown by. Suddenly it's the week of my departure, and I am terrified. I'm sure there's excitement somewhere inside me, but all I can feel right now is nerves. I'm hoping they'll lessen as soon as I am there and am meeting people; then the whole situation will be personalized instead of being this big institution looming over me. I'm very very good at freaking myself out. I keep seeing this experience as more of a month-long audition than a learning experience which is the wrong way to think of it. I am freaked out. I couldn't sleep for hours on Sunday night. I was at my friend's house in Midway and after I'd gotten into bed it hit me: I am leaving on Friday. Its not longer in a few weeks, but this week. And I just kept thinking, What have I gotten myself into, I can't do this! I went downstairs and read the Seagull for a while, and then just lay awake.

I'm going way outside of my comfort zone. I'm going to a place I've never been to, to be surrounded by no one that I know, to prove my acting skills to people I desperately want to like me. Of course I'm freaked out. I just have to accept the freaked out feeling and go on to do what I do.

I can do this. I don't beieve it right now but I know that that belief is in me somewhere. It will be great. This program will be great for me, great for my resume, great for my prospects of getting into the NTC for graduate school. I'll learn a lot, make some good contacts, hopefully make some good friends. I'm excited to live in the city. I was going to live with my aunt in Loveland (what a name), but my mom and I decided it would be better to live in Denver. I'm glad, that commute would have been stressful and I think it will be easier to make friends if I'm there in the evenings. But I'll be staying a couple of nights with my aunt and I'm excited to get to know her better.

I just have to forge ahead. I'm sure (hoping) that everything will be better once I'm there. I know it's a good thing. And I know I'm good, I just get freaked out. I just have to pull together the scraps of confidence that I know are somewhere in me.

Summer habits

One of my summer habits is staying up late, and then sleeping in late. As much as I resolve to go to bed by midnight, I hardly ever do. Even today-- I got up earlier than usual, with less sleep than usual, ran some errands before work, went to the gym after work, I've been tired, and I tried to settle myself down with some tv, but I am still not ready to sleep. When 2 am hits, that's when I'm ready to sleep. And I do love my sleep.

Another summer habit is lots of movies. But alas, that was in the days of netflix.

My least favorite summer habit: lofty goals of self-improvement which get procrastinated and overshadowed by the novelty of leisure time. How many times have I resolved to improve my mastery of dramatic literature only to stick to the novels I have no time to read during the school year?

And Sex and the City. Last summer (in addition to my all-time favorite, Six Feet Under,) I watched 5 seasons of Sex and the City that my friend lent me. But he didn't have the sixth and final season, so Carrie and her friends have been hanging out, unfinished, in the back of my mind. As I wandered the aisles of Blockbuster tonight with my 2-for-1 coupon in my pocket, I searched for something to fit my mood: a little lonely, a little fluffy. Heavy dramas , though I Love them, are something I find I can only bring myself to watch in the theater, where it is an event, something which prepares my mind for what is coming. Or if it comes in the mail from netflix. Then it arrives, and can sit on my table until I have the presence of mind, focus, and time to invest in it. But since I have sacrificed netflix for a time, I haven't sat down to watch something like Tsotsi in my home for months. And even though I've intended to watch it for a while now, I could not bring myself to take it from the shelf. After reviewing all of the new releases (which are of course quite picked-over on a Friday night in Provo), I browsed the shelves, and Sex and the City came to mind.

Sex and the City is delightful summer watching. They're short, funny, romantic, and every now and then pack a real emotional punch. Yes, it has made me cry. I think I've seen the episode where Miranda's mother dies three times (the show is on tv every day), and each time I've shed some tears. It's always interesting to see what the girls are wearing. And I love the show because these are four women who are gorgeous, intelligent, skilled and accomplished, yet they're still single-- frequently that is. It's so easy to feel like a loser when you're single in Provo. But these ladies give single life a good name, and can cry about it themselves which in turn also makes me feel validated about my loser feelings.

I know, it's tv, not the real world.

But it's comforting none the less, even if it is just escapism/entertainment/wishful thinking.

And settling down on the couch with old friends on the screen is great relaxation, which is the best summer habit.

Some pictures I wish I could have included in my NYC post below:

Coram Boy




Moon for the Misbegotten
Grey Gardens

summer lovin'

What I need to do this summer:
-Float down the Provo River
-Go CAMPING. I want to go asap. S'mores and stars and wilderness and chilly sunrises.
-Go to Disneyland if it wasn't so crazy expensive. I've never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld, and I think that's sad. I need to go. Just once. Before I have kids. Is that too much to ask? I just want to go to the happiest place on earth.
-I would like to get to the Spiral Jetty one more time, but driving there scares me. Last time it ruined my brakes. But it's my favorite place in Utah.
-Go to St. George to see Jenny in Tuacahn
-Go to Seattle to feel it out, investigate about living there
-Have some crazy summer fun. Outside.

What I wish I could do: buy a scooter! My friend let me drive his last week (very trusting of him) and it was DELIGHTFUL. And so much less gas. And did I mention that it filled me to the brim with the delight of simple pleasures? I want one. I would consider buying one instead of a car for a while if I was thinking about living someplace where it didn't rain every other day. Parking is so much better. Gas is so much better. Driving is so much better. I'm in love.

And wouldn't this post be so much more interesting with pictures? Well, I'm at work, so I'm not going to bother with pictures. But let's talk about how my computer is not blog-picture friendly. Have you noticed how I've apparently been watching Tess of the D'Urbervilles for a few months now? I very much enjoyed that miniseries, but I have not been watching it for a few months. My computer WON'T let me switch the picture. Well, to be fair, I don't know if it's my computer or internet connection. But blogger is loath to let me post pictures in my blogs as well. It takes a while. And I can't preview what they look like while I'm writing a post. It's bothersome. I would so much rather have a fun, picture-filled blog. It delights the eye, and delighting the eye is what I'm all about.

where there's a whip...

Here I am at my temp job. It kind of sucks. It's really easy, but I hate jobs where I don't feel like I'm DOING anything. I answer phones, survey people, make sure sales representatives aren't deceiving anyone and ripping them off. Because they do that. I hate them. But I am so grateful for this job at the same time-- I thought I wouldn't be working at all these three random weeks that I'm home, so working at all is fantastic. But everyone's here just to make money, they don't care about security systems, they don't care about the people who are buying the security systems-- it's depressing. And frustrating. I don't care either. It makes me feel kind of wretched.

The best thing about this job is that when you're not getting calls, you can play online. So instead of sitting and staring at the cubicle wall (or gazing out the one and only window because I feel like maybe my eyeballs get some vitamin D just by looking outside-- I sit as near to it as I can)I can check email, read blogs, anything but myspace. Here are the blogs which have gotten me through the past two weeks, courtesy of Catherine:

www.gofugyourself.typepad.com

www.whatblows.blogspot.com

One's a fashion blog of celebrities looking bad. For some reason, it makes me feel better to know that they make horrendous fashion mistakes. It's also very entertaining to read. The other one is a great blog about theatre in NYC. I have now read the past year's worth of archives in both blogs. Now what? Maybe I'll finally turn to my Chekhov which I should have been reading the whole time. But it's hard to read Chekhov in two minute increments.

I do not feel like I can do this for another five hours. Much less another five days. But I must! And I'm grateful for it!

He is trampling out the vintage where...

Thrillionaires Steinbeck night. It took a longer time to get my clothes and myself dirty than I expected. I was lucky it rained yesterday, so there was plenty of mud to rub all over me. I cut and ripped up some old jeans and a shirt, discolered them with coffee and mud, and voila: migrant worker in Salinas Valley. For the second half of our show we did a musical a la O, Brother Where Art Thou? So we asked the audience for an epic story we could retell, and they gave us... Star Wars. I was Chewbacca, or Cheryl, yes! And I spoke in such a thick southern twang that no one could understand me, except of course my good buddy John Solitaire, a.k.a. Han Solo. Good times at the Velour.

I watched 'East of Eden' the other night to prepare-- good film. That James Dean.

New York City, center of the universe...

Even though NYC was a couple of weeks ago, I feel like I have to write about it before I can move on to anything else... The night before we left I didn't go to sleep so that I could finish all of my work. I wanted the week to be responsibility-free, something I haven't felt for a long time. I mean, of course I had obligations and worries-- we went to the city to perform a showcase after all, and I wanted to do my best. I also am in some amount of financial trouble, so I didn't want to go crazy with activities or shopping. But I wanted this to be kind of like a vacation, a reward for all the seniors to just have fun together after graduation and before we had to focus on real life.

We arrived at our sketchy hostel. I've stayed in a good number of hostels in my days, and I do believe that this is the second most sketchy hostel I've experienced. Just imagine, if you will, ten girls staying in one room which barely holds five bunk beds. These girls, at least for the first few days, are all on the exact same schedule and want to look their very best for the showcase. There are three bathrooms for the entire floor, and when I say bathrooms, there are not several stalls in each bathroom, they are singular bathrooms. Three bathrooms wasn't enough for just our room. It was kind of crazy. We are so lucky that we all liked each other because if there had been any drama, it would have been awful. But I do believe there may have been bedbugs. Um, that makes me queasy to think about. I'm glad I didn't realize it while I was there. Which is silly, but a blessing.



I think the showcase went well, I think we all did our best and both shows we had a full audience. That wasn't incredibly hard to accomplish because it was a tiny theater, but what more can you ask for? I was proud of how I performed, how I even schmoozed a wee bit after the shows, and by how I felt fine about not having anyone interested in me. Now schmoozing is something I detest. There are a few people in the showcase who are Great at it, and I am not. And I don't want to be, I feel degraded by it. But it's a necessary evil in showbiz, so I attempted it.

And after showcase was over, we frolicked. I was out in the morning and didn't return to the hostel until midnight or later. Something that I really enjoyed about this trip is that I was with so many people! Usually when I'm in NYC I'm by myself for the most part. But when you're in a group, other people have ideas and preferences about what they want to do, so it gave me the opportunity to go places I never would have chosen for myself. On monday we went to the top of the Rockefeller building. I would never have just gone if I wasn't with others, and I'm glad I did. Almost every major city I've been to, I've climbed to a high point to overlook the city. I think that's weird. And awesome. It's not something that I consciously think about doing. I'm not like "now that I'm in Dublin, I need to find a tall building so I can overlook the city." It just happens. And I like that it's an unintentional tradition. London: St. Paul's. Florence: Duomo. Venice: that tower in St. Mark's. Oxford: some high clock tower. Paris: Eiffel Tower. Edinburgh: Arthur's Seat (my favorite because it wasn't a building, it's a huge hill/mountainy thing in Edinburgh, I felt like the wind was literally going to blow me off of it). San Francisco: Coit Tower. New York City: Rockefeller Tower.



The shows I saw:

Moon for the Misbegotten by Eugene O'Neill. Transferred from the Old Vic. Starring Kevin Spacey and Eve Best (I saw her as Hedda in Hedda Gabler in London, she is Incredible.) Front row center. Such a good show. There were a few choices by Spacey that I didn't love, but I cannot deny his talent. I can deny that he should have asked for $60,000 a week for this show, that's just a wee bit outrageous. What happened to the days when he asked for $2,000 so that the seats could be more affordable? Nevertheless, 60 seats are reserved every day to be sold at student price, and I celebrate that. This is the only show that did that and I applaud. Great set. Not a weak link in the cast. Great play.

Talk Radio by Eric Bogosian. Starring Liev Shreiber. Third row center. I love Liev Schreiber. I didn't Love the play, but Liev was Amazing and I am so glad I could see him perform in person. Sexy beast. But how did he look so wasted right from the top?

Coram Boy, adapted by Helen Edmundson. Transferred from the National. Rear Mezzanine center (I was so disappointed, but it was ok, that theater is built so well that all the seats in the house have a good view of the stage.) The play started, by jaw dropped, and stayed there. It was SO creative. Visually astounding. Favorite part: when they find all the dead baby skeletons in all these trap doors in the floor. Brilliant use of brilliant music: Handel's Messiah. The best thing I've seen in a Long time. Those brits, I love them so much. Seriously, I just don't feel like we get this kind of theatre that often in the states, why is that? I've seen several things in England for the few months that I've been there which fall along the same lines of creativity and collaborative storytelling. I wish everyone could see this. Loved it with all my heart. I wished I could see it again because I know I've already forgotten things.

Grey Gardens. Front row center. Those two ladies are pretty spectacular. Seriously, how they nailed those two documentary ladies is beyond me. It's like they ARE those ladies. They must have watched the documentary 50 times. Great. I'm so glad this kind of work is going on instead of just Legally Blonde: the musical (which everyone else in my group thought was absolutely Fabulous. I didn't see it, am not one to judge.)



Some favorite activities:
-Going to Alice's Tea Cup with Catherine and Erin
-Spending hours in Central Park. I can't tell you how gorgeous the weather was-- perfect for people watching, strolling, reading, anything really. It was my default location. An hour to spare? Go to Central Park.
-Thrilling exhibit at the Met about Modernity and Architecture in Barcelona. It was about these artists who were working in Barcelona at the same time as all the impressionists in Paris. They hung out at a cafe called the Four Cats or something which looked awesome. I looooved their work and am surprised I have never heard of them before. They worked a lot with Picasso. Such a pleasure, I have to research them some more. The exhibit went on to describe how their work contributed to the architecture in Barcelona at the time. Again, jaw dropped and I really believe I had a pretty silly expression on my face as walked from picture to example to picture of the architecture. I need to go to Barcelona now. I haven't been so thrilled by an exhibit since the Hopper exhibit I saw at the Tate Modern a few years ago.
-Spending a sadly small amount of time at the Cloisters. Why did no one else want to go with me? What could be more cool than a monastary in Manhattan? The park around it was beautiful. I miss the trees of the East Coast.
-Spending the most money I ever have on one meal at a fancy restaurant. I'll try anything once, and I've never been to a fancy restaurant before. Again, something I never would have done without someone else to encourage it.
-Staten Island Ferry
-Buying Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger at the Strand bookstore, then reading it. Loved it. Weird how relevant it is to my life right at this very moment.
-Just spending a whole week in the city. It made me feel very comfortable with it. I'm glad that I'm no longer intimidated by the big apple.

good times by myself in Central Park

An afternoon in Central Park from Lola on Vimeo

Wow, my first efforts with iMovie. Thank you Elizabeth. I wished I'd thought of filming little clips of NYC life earlier, and I don't have as much as I'd planned to even because I met up with someone in the Park the afternoon I got these. I thought it was rude to continue my project in good company... But I'm learning more about iMovie, and more little films a la Laura are to come.

When a door closes...

What? I am graduated. Craziness. Well, I've been fearing the end since September, and I thought I might freak out about finishing school, but I haven't. It is very possible that it just hasn't sunk in yet, and it may not until September when I always have the back-to-school urge. But for now, I feel alright. Weird that I'm done with school, something that I've been doing almost my whole life... Graduation was a little unreal because none of us felt like it was really the end, probably because we had our NYC trip the next week. I'm kind of glad I'm sticking around Provo for the summer, I think it will give me a nice, gradual send-off. Then when I do go, I'll be ready for it.


Here are a bunch of us in the Tunnel before filing onto the stage. By the by, who came up with these very silly hats? Who thought they were a good idea?


I loved how small our convocation group was, not only was the program pretty short, but it just felt a lot more personal. It was nice. The BFA students were all on the back row, I'm glad they didn't make us sit alphabetically. We kind of felt like the bad kids back there, whispering and joking through the presentations. But don't worry, we were listening. I loved how encouraging the speakers were to us. I think we so often hear how hard it's going to be, how impractical what we've chosen to do is, (not that that doesn't have its place), it was nice to ultimately feel encouraged. And I'm glad all the parents and families got to hear how important it is to encourage LDS artists in our society.


The week felt really packed and rushed, and I wished I had more time to just chill with family and friends, but it was nice to be with them as much as I was. Thinking back, I can't believe Senior Recital was the same week as all this craziness! I was so glad that my Dad, Amy, and Eric could be there for senior recital and showcase. It meant a lot to me. I think I've done some of my best work in both of those classes.


Finals, grading, family, showcase, graduating... there was a lot to juggle during graduation week, when it was all over and we were all heading to NYC, I felt fun and fancy free. Bring it on, New York.

Paris, Je T'aime

I've been waiting for this one for a long time.

Evening

Mmmm, this looks pretty good.

Atonement

I loved this book, and from the trailer it's looking like a pretty good adaptation... Can't wait.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

This looks so good.

Pre-show meeting

febreze on Vimeo

Trust me, febreeze is an important element of Young Company.

Olivia, Feste, and Sir Andrew venture out to the grocery store

wow on Vimeo


Now that I figured out how to put my friend's videos on my blog, I can't stop myself! These are almost all from the fall when I was doing Twelfth Night.

Good old van times

natural dryer on Vimeo

Behind the curtain...

behind the curtain on Vimeo


well, while we're on the topic of Young Company...

A tribute to Sir Andrew Aguecheek

tribute on Vimeo


fond fond memories of traveling with the Shakespeare Young Company Troupe.

What do we do?

Here's some good news of the day:
Advanced Acting is over, and I felt pretty good about my monologues, even if my technique was showing. How embarrassing.

Senior Recital is over. I'm not totally happy with how it went, but I don't feel bad about it either. And I feel awesome about how many people came. And I do think I've done some of my best work in that class, even if not in the final performances of the pieces. I'm proud of what I've done. I'm so glad I got to do that Clearing scene, I love it.

I got my grant for that Denver Center workshop. Now that I've got the money to do it, they probably won't accept me. But here's hoping. They gave me $1,200 and I feel great about it.

NYC is less than a week away, hurray! On my to-do list while I'm there? Not much. Just some awesome shows I've picked out. I'm open to other suggestions (thanks Erin!) But here's what I sure will be doing: relaxing. I haven't had a real break since August. When I fly away on Sunday morning I will be free as a bird and I am going to relish it. NYC is all fun. Happy graduation to me.

So I had my last day of classes last Tuesday. My last day of college. It hasn't sunk in. Maybe it will come August when I'm feeling that back-to-school urge. For now, I'm doing alright. I just hope a freak out doesn't attack me from nowhere. I don't think it will. I've got plans. And I'm looking forward to the potential of Seattle. I've heard so many positive things about it, and people say it's gorgeous, so I'm loving that prospect. I think this will be good. I'm not expecting to be cast as soon as I get out there, I hear it takes a while to break into the circle. This forced hiatus from plays has at least taught me that life without being in a play is enjoyable. And I know I will at least have one friend there.

Oh, and I'm going to be in Julius Caesar. Despite my disappointing callback performance. And I never wrote about how my Little Women callback went really well. It did. I felt great about my singing and acting, and I had fun with the dancing. It was a really good experience, and helps give me confidence in the singing area especially. Laurie ran into me in the hall one day before the cast list went up and told me that if I was going to be a student in the fall, she would have cast me as Jo, but since I won't be a student, she couldn't cast me. Which I respect. I'm so glad she told me, kind of bittersweet, but it's awesome knowing I would have been cast.

Feist - 1 2 3 4

and then sometimes I hate my life.

wee triumphs

At this point, I've got to celebrate anything I get: for Julius Caesar at the Castle I got called back for Cassius, Portia, and Calpurnia. And for Little Women at BYU I got called back for Jo and Marmee. Too bad it's 11:00 and I have a rehearsal at 9 tomorrow morning, then callbacks back to back from 11 to 5 tomorrow. Yikes. Do I study the material, or get good sleep?

Just listen to the song, don't watch-- the video is distracting

Listening to this song has made me realize that I'm doing pretty awesome for myself. I remember when I could barely imagine that I'd be on acting track, much less pursuing acting as a career. I was so afraid, so unconfident. I was crippled by my self-doubt, and by the perceived doubt of others. And although my confidence isn't where it should be, it's so much better than it was. I am doing what I dreamed. And that rocks. And I'm kind of doing better than if I found "a way back to then" because I didn't often dance in the backyard. More often I danced locked in my room where no one could see. It's been hard to get to where I am, but I'm here because of my own dreams and hard work. And I think that's something to be proud of.

And there you are,
Right in the middle of what you love
With the craziest of company
You're having a kickass time
And being who you wanted to be in this world.
You're that little girl with her wings unfurled
Flying again.
Back in the backyard, dancing.
I found a way back to then.

Slings and arrows

Is it wrong to still have a hard time hearing people talk about Hamlet? Seriously, every night my two roommates come home from the show and talk about it and talk about it and I cannot stay in the same room for longer than five or ten minutes into the conversation because it is too painful. I cannot express how much I wanted to be in this show. I don't think you can imagine how many different factors combined to create this incredibly intense yearning to be a part of this particular production of Hamlet, a show which I love so much on its own. It is Hard to not be in it. So hard. And I worked so hard to get in it. And I hear so much about it, so much about the entire process. Almost the entire cast is made up of my friends and when you're in a show, that takes up so much of your life, of course you talk about it all the time. I also T.A. for the director, I hear other theater people discussing the show, I hear them running the awesome music every day while I do my homework in the Pardoe lobby... I am constantly surrounded by reminders. It's just hard. And I feel like I can't express how painful it is for me to people because it makes them feel bad or awkward or annoyed and I certainly don't want to put everyone else out because I have emotional problems. Yes, I think people could be more considerate. But no, I don't think people generally feel as keenly as I do about it so they don't get it. It is raw. I am dreading seeing the show. And I mean dreading. I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure it is going to be damn hard to watch it. I wanted to get it over with next week but I can't because they're not having a show on Saturday due to general conference and I have Proof rehearsal every other night. Honestly, I needed to call upon my emotional support system, that is how much I can't do this by myself. And I have to wait til closing night. And I cannot tell you how relieved I will be when it is over.

I also wish I'd never told someone I liked them. I was so afraid I was going to regret that.

And, if you're accustomed to living expecting people to not love you, how do you change that?

Weekend woes

I feel that weekends are generally very important. During the week I am going going nonstop and weekends provide much needed relief; an opportunity to wind down. Lately they've been much more relaxing as I haven't even had rehearsals on Saturdays. And I think that some good recreation time is extremely important to the productivity in a week. But I also have a problem with weekends-- all of my 'projects' that I'm working on, life goals we could say, grind to a halt on the weekends. I'm not good at doing homework on weekends, there's just something about all that time that makes me want to put off doing homework forever; my eating plan goes haywire, I eat horribly when I don't have the structure school gives me; I have yet to make it to the gym on a Saturday. Instead of being productive when I have the most opportunity to do so, I laze the day away. Sometimes this is nice, and sometimes-- like this weekend-- it just makes me feel like crap. I woke up this morning, and instead of feeling rested and rejuvenated, optimistic about life and ready to tackle my goals, I felt like a lump. A lump that wanted to stay in bed.

And for the first time, I kind of wished school was over. What?! It's true. I just thought, how much simpler life will be when, instead of juggling classes, a job, and a production, I will just be juggling a job and a production. Well, I don't expect that feeling to last long. And indeed, I don't really like that feeling. But perhaps at least I won't just feel like crying when I graduate.

If my life were a TV show, it would be The Office.

Not that I at all work in an office, but the general mundaness of life with subtle meaningful nuances, mixed with a few quirky people seems to describe my life much better than any other show out there.

Maybe I'm in love with Jim. You don't want to know how many times I have watched the end of the Casino Night episode. I feel ya, Jim. I love The Office. What I do not love is how many reruns there have been lately instead of new episodes. And how frustrating the Jim/Pam situation is.

Take a look at the shenanigans of the Thrillionaires Improvised Theatre Company

In Elizabeth's words, "welcome to Hell, party of two."

I think my sense of well-being is amazing. I don't understand how for two days you can feel freaking miserable, and then you wake up on the third day and you're back to feeling ok about life. I guess it's a good thing, but perhaps if I understood I could kick it into gear a little sooner. Yesterday I tried so hard to think of something that would make me feel better, distract me, get me out of myself, something, anything. Nothing helped and I was miserable. And today I feel like I will be ok. Yes, this semester really sucks for me. A lot. But my life isn't hopeless. Yesterday I really felt like it was. Today I will finally clean my room. Maybe actually decorate it a little. For my whole college existence the decorating of my room has been very important. I didn't feel settled or like my space was my own until it was decorated, covered over with pictures of things that I loved. This year, I never did it. My walls have remained more or less bare. And now it's more than halfway through winter semester and I feel like I should and actually will get around to it.

Sometimes I miss Europe the most because of the parks they have. Why doesn't Provo have a good park? I would go ramble today. Maybe I should just take off to Europe for a year.

I don't want to graduate and leave. But maybe it is exactly what I need. Provo is where I want to be because it's familiar and not intimidating. But maybe I would be happier somewhere else. Maybe it is time to go. Six months from now...

Breathe. Bend. Be.

On Wednesday I went to a Yoga class at a studio in the Riverwoods and now my sleeping problem is mended. Mostly-- I do keep having dreams about grad school auditions and ACTF... But the yoga class was so lovely, I think I'll start going every week. It was nice to be doing an extracurricular activity that wasn't acting-related. And ever since, I've been able to fall asleep much better. It was kind of alarming to realize how difficult it was to just relax and stop thinking about things. In fact, I didn't quite succeed, and I know I used to be able to do that just fine. Well, now that I'm aware that that's a problem of mine I can focus on fixing it. That was probably a big contributor to my sleep problems. The studio was really nice, and I really liked the instructor. I felt trendy, but in a wholesome way. I also really liked the clothing boutique you walk through to get to the studio, too bad all the clothes were super pricey. It was so nice to just do yoga for an hour and a half. I would never give myself that much time to do it at home.

In other news, I'm trying to just live one day at a time, giving. And it's nice.

Stop hurting and start sleeping.

I have been using sleeping aids almost every night since Chicago at which time I was sick and used nighttime cold medication. And then there was ACTF where I started taking Advil PM (probably for half the week, not every night,) because I needed to sleep but was stressed and the beds were uncomfortable. And now this week I have not been able to go to sleep, even though I haven't had a full night of rest any night. I've eventually given in and taken Advil PM again every night. What is going on? Today I was so tired all day and now that it's time to go to bed I am wide awake. I have no problems taking naps, I have come home from the gym and zonked out for a couple of hours three times this week. I need some sleepy dust. The sleep gods frown upon me. I wish I had a sleep button.

Our doubts are traitors.

It's snowing outside and I think I'm one of the only people in Provo to be happy about it. And I am. Today it's a quiet, content happiness, not the giddy flurried happiness. It's so peaceful and it makes everything different, new, beautiful, solitary, and silent. I love how quiet it is.

After the bitter attacking freeze of Chicago, Provo has seemed very inviting. Comforting.

I've been happy the last couple of days, and it has been so nice. It's been a relief. I feel like I've been a restless malcontent for months and that creature has finally settled down-- perhaps only for a nap. But I feel like this is my equilibrium, this is where I naturally want to be. I have felt pressed down for a while, floundering, struggling to pull myself back up but the struggle only gave my malcontent a better hold. I'm afraid this peace will leave any moment, but for the time being I'm enjoying it.

Chicago and ACTF were really rough. I felt despair. It was awful. I honestly don't remember feeling that bad for a long time. I avoid thinking about it because I'm afraid that feeling is going to slink back. ACTF just sucked because I truly just had rotten luck and it caused this flashback of how I'd felt the week before. But now those two weeks are past, and I can just think about now. Here are some valuable lessons I learned: confidence is key. Really, I feel like confidence and consistency are essential. That's why Slate does so well because he's confident in his talent, work, and preparation. He's so good and he knows that. Furthermore, he's consistent. He doesn't let nerves get to him so his talent has the opportunity to do what it can. It's not debilitated by anything.

So how do I get that? I tend to think that the only way to gain confidence is through being cast in stuff and seeing yourself successful in a play. But that's exterior confidence, and what I need is interior, intrinsic confidence. Confidence that I have not because of anything other people see in me or do for me, but because it's just a part of me. I have no idea how to get that. But that's my goal for the next year. Also to audition for tons of things because I realized that I don't actually have a lot of audition experience. I mean, there just aren't that many opportunities in Provo to audition, and in order to get consistency, to be able to audition over and over again without letting nerves affect me, I need practice.

I'm really sad I won't be going to grad school this year. It's what I want to do now, more than anything. Right now, I know that that's the next step for me. So I asked Barta what, in total frankness and honesty, I needed to do to get into a graduate program next year. I mean, I want to go to auditions a year from now and I want people to want me. I want them to take notice. The first thing she said was to be more proactive-- write to schools and let them know that I'm going to be there and that I want them to watch for me. She also mentioned that I could work on vulnerability, but she had seen my monologues and she said that my Amelia one was good for that, so that's not so much the problem. The main thing? How I look. My weight is apparently all that is holding me back. In a way that is very comforting, because it's not like I'm not talented. And it seems like losing weight is something that is possible. Then again, haven't I been trying to do just that for ten years? I've suffered a lot of mean-spirited teasing because of it and I've hated myself for it and that hasn't made too much of a difference. Nevertheless, I have to do it now. Big Goal for Next Year: look damn good. I have a year. When I move away in September I can audition like mad, and hopefully some confidence will come into play in the next year. I'm feeling optimistic. I'm feeling like I can do this. I'll be ready by next year. And it's a good thing I went and tried this year because that was an essential step in these realizations. It won't be new next time, I'll know what I'm doing.

I've got to say though, I've been going to the gym since October and here's something I've learned: I am not good at pushing myself. There's some work that needs to be done.

I am a tragic hero

Suffice it to say, I'm not expecting any offers. Slate seems to have everyone fighting over him. NYU wanted to see a third piece: my song! Was I expecting to have to sing? Definitely not. Boo.

Conclusion: It was a really rough few days. I didn't do quite as well as I wanted to, but I didn't totally choke either, though the week did include a breakdown. But I think I learned a lot, and I'll be damn well prepared for next year.

Boo. My endeavors of the last few months don't seem to go too well.

Look what the wind blew in

Well here I am, after months of anxiety, actually here in the Windy City. And I feel alright.

Yes, I'm a little terrified about tomorrow when all of my auditions start, but I'm telling myself I'm confident, talented, and totally prepared. And I kind of believe it.

Our hotel is great. It's on the same block as the hotel for URTAs, opened on Friday (so we're the first ones to stay in our room), has free cocoa whenever our hearts desire it, continental hot breakfast, very pleasant interior, and everyone's super friendly because they just opened! Such a great choice. And we're staying in room 1707, which I love because my lucky number is 7. We're also just a block away from such lovely stores as Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.

We flew in with no problems, took a cab to the hotel, and then headed out to find some food. We went to the oldest Italian restaurant in Chicago and it was yummy. We then went in search of the hotels that our auditions are at. They're all in the same place, the Hyatt Regency (except for URTAs) which is a 15-20 minute walk away. Um, it's freezing here. Like I walked outside and started laughing because I could not believe how cold it was. Strike you to the bones cold. Really, unbelievable. School is cancelled because it's so cold. Eventually you grow numb to it and then you're ok, but that first ten minutes is painful. And wherever you're headed, you arrive really rosy-faced. But our walk around the theatre district was nice other than that. Chicago (at least this area) is pretty, some great architecture, and clean! With lots of cafes. And people have been really friendly. We walked into a cafe and the owner actually greeted us with an enthusiastic "Look what the wind blew in!" I was charmed.

And now we're watching The Secret Garden on HBO, which is comforting to me.

Ah tomorrow.

"Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt."
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare

Maybe I love the girl who crawled into my bed this morning as I was sleeping, kissed my shoulder, put her arms around me and murmered "Don't be sad." We lay there. "How did you know?"

This blog may seem melancholy lately, but I promise I'm not always like this. You may have the impression that I mope around school all day, but that's not true. I just feel that I have to put on a good face for the world, so this is someplace where I don't. And I'm not always having to put a good face on, it is just there sometimes. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's not very convincing because as much as I want to appear fine I also want people to know I'm hurting or troubled. I don't know how I appear. I don't know how successful I am in seeming fine when I'm not or if people think I'm not fine when I am. But I do know that I love those people who can tell when I'm not fine and do something about it.

Things got better after that depressing post. Not immediately. I thought I would wake up and feel normal, but I didn't. I didn't feel normal until Slate suggested we run through our ACTF scenes. And that did it. His willingness, his suggestion of it. I feel like I've dragged him into this thing which he does not want to do, and it makes me feel bad. I want him to want to do it.

And this week was a stressful one, but I have accomplished some important things: my neutral mask thing went well; Slate and I practiced then previewed our scenes and my monologue and I don't have to change them, they're roughly blocked, and we have set up times to work with Stephanie and Barta again; I know which monologues I'm doing for grad school auditions, so I can set up times next week to work on them with professors; my song for showcase was transposed and I sang for my class- the first time is always the hardest; I'm doing Summer and Smoke for showcase; all of my auditions for grad school are scheduled; I helped a friend in time of need. For this week I memorized and performed 3 different scenes and 3 different monologues-- that's a lot for a four-day week.

Perhaps the one good thing about not being in a show is that I feel like I have Saturdays back. When you're doing a show and you have a rehearsal Saturday morning it almost seems like another school day. But here I am, at 2 in the afternoon, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, writing a blog. I may not have any time during the week for anything but school, but the weekends actually provide some relief now.

Yes, I feel left out. I feel like all I do anymore is monologues, very solitary, and all I want to do is be in a play. When I say goodbye to my friends as they head to rehearsal and I head home I feel a little sad every time. But that's life.

There better be something damn good coming along. In the meantime at least I have some damn good friends.

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win,
By fearing to attempt.

-- Shakespeare, Measure for Measure, Act. 1, Sc. 4

No way to handle things

I am troubled. It's keeping me up and keeping me unhappy. Perhaps I've just let myself get behind already and so I'm stressed, but I actually think I'm kind of juggling a lot of contributors at the moment:

Graduate school auditions approaching way too quickly. I don't know which pieces I'm doing yet.

ACTF approaching way too quickly. I just figured out which scenes, but I'm not super excited about them. Hopefully I will be after we start working them, which should be any day if I would just memorize them.

I'm taking a lot of performance-based credits this semester and I need to find a lot of material, which just isn't happening. Why don't I know more plays?

I need a song transposed and no one can do it. Including myself. Yet I'm supposed to perform it on Thursday?

My roommate and I are having troubles but apparently I'm supposed to let her approach me though she hasn't for the past six days. I can't handle people not liking me, and I can't handle people that I care about not caring enough to talk about things. How is she supposed to know what's going on inside my head? She doesn't know me that well.

I'm not in a show. You say 'get over it' and trust me I'm trying.

My valiant efforts to make a difference at the gym are showing me nothing. I'm on a stupid diet which makes me depressed about myself and cranky about the cardboard food I eat. I don't get enough sleep since I get up at 5:30 to go to the ineffective gym, which makes me even more cranky. I just feel like quitting.

I'm trying, but I'm not exactly getting over him.

I feel alone. Which is stupid but it's how I feel.

I freak out a little every day about graduating.

So I imagine the advice you would give to me is to stop wasting time on a blog and get my butt into gear. I have plenty of work to be doing. And also to stop dwelling. And maybe also to have a little faith. I'm trying. I really am. I'm scared about so many things and trying so hard not to be. And things build up and I try to take it one step at a time but there are just so many things to pay attention to. And I'm unaccountably emotional. And I'm kind of depressed. And I don't know what to do about that.

Maybe, despite my homework, I should just go to bed.

This is stupid, please don't comment, I just had to write that all out. I'll wake up tomorrow and get back to work.